What to do when your son tell you he hates you.

Beliavsky wrote:

On Oct 22, 10:25 am, Barbara wrote:

snip

My son has told me that he hates me more times than I care to recall,
usually when I make him do his homework instead of watching TV or
sleeping over at a friend's house, or when I tell him he can't have
some game or another. I simply tell him that I understand that he
feels that way at the moment, but its not going to change my decision,
and that I love him. I'd never punish him for expressing those
feelings, but I will sometimes tell him to go to his room, or go to
mine, to calm down a bit.

Young kids' emotions are close to the surface, so to speak. They
haven't really yet learned to control them. They're going to hate --
and love -- more intensely. That's why its important for us to help
them deal with them, not punish them for having such emotions.

Yes, they have strong emotions as do we adults, but they still need to
control their *actions*, including their speech. I'd allow my kids to
say they think I am being mean, but I won't tolerate their calling me
or their mother names.
snip
The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides
disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk
trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example,
never be "gangster rap" in my earshot.

Right - I guess you haven't learned yet that whenever you say "my
child will never.." behave in some way, that is an absolutely iron
clad guarantee that you will be proven totally and completely wrong.
If not by the oldest one, then by the second child.

NEVER say never. g

My dad normally left the discipline up to my mom, but at one point
when I was probably about 7, I said something disrespectful to my
mother and he lost his temper and beat me so that I couldn't sit down.
That's what people did then as a general rule (this would have been
around the end of WWII). I did manage to grow up, but all this taught
me was that I should keep such thoughts to myself, although I still
had them for sure.

IOW - it didn't make me respect my mom any more than I did already, I
just didn't talk about it. I'm not sure that's really the healthy way
to go.

In article .com, Beliavsky
says...

On Oct 22, 11:21 am, Banty wrote:
In article . com, Beliavsky
says...

snip

I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son,
though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her.
Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that
it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation.
He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I
wouldn't try that on a 4 year old.

The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides
disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk
trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example,
never be "gangster rap" in my earshot.

Curious - of what material do you plan to make this cocoon? Will you punch
airholes?

Cheers,
Banty (yep, his oldest is all of four....)

I was born and brought up in the U.S. and am in my late 30s. I don't
think I have ever used the b-word or f-word in front of my parents,
and they would be saddened if I did. I have the same standards for my
kids. Why is that unrealistic?

Setting standards of behavior in your household is one thing; expecting to
"eliminate" influences that would expose your child to this language is quite
another.

The former would be your right. It's the latter I question.


We have basic cable TV (which does not include MTV), and if my wife
has told me that if she thinks TV is becoming a bad influence on our
kids, she won't mind getting rid of all TVs in the house. We have been
talking about how to child-proof our Internet access.



Do you plan to lock them indoors all their lives?

Banty

In article .com, Zipadee
says...

On Oct 22, 7:55 am, Banty wrote:
In article .com, A father
willing to talk! says...

My son sometimes snaps and start telling me or my wife that he hate me
or her.

[snip]

He tells you he hates you??

gasp

HOW as good upstanding decent parents did you EVER expect to - - -

- -

- - - NOT hear that!! :-)

Here's what you do. Self-inoculate yourselves. Designate yourselves the Great
Asshole and Queen Bitch of the household. When he calls you names and says he
hates you, nod your head(s) and say "yup", and keep right on with whatever you
need to do.

Banty (whose son called her a "bitch" - and answered with "hmmmmm, and that
makes YOU.....?")- Hide quoted text -

When my kids were younger, each of them told me that they hated me
ONCE.
My response was to say - "good, that means I'm doing my job". To their
blank looks, I explained that if they thought I was wonderful 100% of
the time,
it would mean I wasn't making any rules or bringing them up properly.
If they
expected me to react differently or give in to whatever they wanted,
they were
disappointed.

As for language, I made it clear all along that there are words that
aren't
to be said in my house. I don't ever use them myself. My kids are 19
and
17 now and I know that that sort of language is acceptable with their
peers but they know that they shouldn't use it around me. These days
I don't react much if they forget, I just glare and they'll correct
themselves.
But they know where the line really is and have never directed any of
those words at me.

Pretty much my approach. It's all a matter of when and where it is appropriate.


I do like Banty's response to her son though!

Oh, that's not trademarked. All mothers of sons may use it! ;-)

Banty

On 22 Oct 2007 10:11:22 -0700, Banty wrote:

In article .com, Zipadee
says...

I do like Banty's response to her son though!

Oh, that's not trademarked. All mothers of sons may use it! ;-)

Banty

I told my ds (now 23) I was the Queen Bitch. He'd roll his eyes and
walk off. Kids using "bad words" to shock us just isn't a new
phenomenon and reacting negatively is going to give them what they
want.

Nan

Banty wrote in
:

In article 7a1311b7cf7c4@uwe, Illiana via FamilyKB.com
says...

A father willing to talk! wrote:
My son sometimes snaps and start telling me or my wife
that he hate me or her.
Suggestion are more than welcome!.

Just ignore him when he says things like that. If he
persists even after some ofthe silent treatment, you need
to give him a little flick on the lips. Children should not
disrespect their parents, regardless. The respect, or lack
of it, he shows to you will be what he gives to other
people.

You seem to approach problems by hitting.

or threatening to hit, or encouraging the child to hit...
oddly, children tend to act out more around their parents
because they feel safer doing so. Boo is a perfect angel for
everyone but me. i'm happy he feels safe enough to test his
feelings around me.
i *really* don't get people who think they control their kids
or who teach politeness by hitting or screaming, & such
silliness.
lee raising a child, not training a dog

"Beliavsky" wrote in message
ups.com...
On Oct 22, 7:55 am, Banty wrote:

snip

Here's what you do. Self-inoculate yourselves. Designate yourselves the
Great
Asshole and Queen Bitch of the household. When he calls you names and
says he
hates you, nod your head(s) and say "yup", and keep right on with
whatever you
need to do.

Banty (whose son called her a "bitch" - and answered with "hmmmmm, and
that
makes YOU.....?")

Letting your son call you that without a severe punishment makes you a
wimp in my book. If my children called their mother that, she'd be
justified in slapping them. They ought to be frightened to even think
of saying such a thing. I never dreamed of calling my mother that,
even though like almost all people, there are times when she is
unpleasant.

A boy probably won't show women in general more respect than he shows
his mother. What kind of man do you want to raise?



Personally, I want to raise a child who does right for the right reasons,
not because he is afraid to get slapped. But that is me.

In article .com,
Barbara wrote:

And, presumably, you never intend to take your kids to a public park.
An open air fair or other celebration. A walk around town. The
mall. Even the supermarket. You don't intend to allow them to listen
to radio other than classical music.

Classical music doesn't usually contain swear words, but I will not be in a
hurry to explain the plots (let alone the words!) of too many operas to my
six-year-old...

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

In article 7a1311b7cf7c4@uwe, "Illiana via FamilyKB.com" u38194@uwe
wrote:

My son sometimes snaps and start telling me or my wife that he hate me
or her.

Just ignore him when he says things like that. If he persists even after some
ofthe silent treatment, you need to give him a little flick on the lips.

That would be illegal in my jurisdiction.

Children should not disrespect their parents, regardless. The respect, or
lack of it, he shows to you will be what he gives to other people.

Is it *disrespectful* to say you hate someone? I don't think so, especially
coming from a little kid. I certainly agree that they should just ignore it.
It's not bad language or bad behaviour -- it's just letting off steam.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

In article . com,
Beliavsky wrote:

The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides
disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk
trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example,
never be "gangster rap" in my earshot.

Er, how old are your children again?

DS1 heard his first swear word (the S one) at age 4, from an older boy, in my
back yard. He didn't try it out at home -- I suspect he started repeating it
then and was told not to say That Word in front of adults. So he tried it out
at day care. The carer looked at him in absolute horror. "Oops, " said DS1,
"We don't say that word." "No," replied the carer, "We don't!" That was
sufficient discipline -- we have never heard him say it since. Incidentally,
I KNOW that the other child's mother would have been horrified to hear her
child using this word, and am not planning to "eliminate that influence".
What would *you* do in this circumstance -- lovely parents, lovely 4yo, 8yo
closet potty-mouth? It will arise.

Note that if your child spends time with older children (as seems likely, if
you have him accelerated), they will hear these words. I knew every English
swear word by the end of primary school; how about you? DS1 heard the F-word
from his 4th-grader friends, but has not used it in our earshot since he first
asked his Daddy about it. *Knowledge* does not equal *indiscriminate usage*,
and parental example is a wonderful teacher.

Which brings me to another point. I once heard a group of well-brought-up
girls, from privileged families, nice girls who certainly did not swear,
talking to the proprietor of a laundromat. This woman was rough-looking and
weatherbeaten, definitely working class. Apparently that exempted the girls
from using words like please and thank you -- and their whole demeanour was
disrespectful. I was embarrassed to know them, but it told me a lot about how
their parents treated The Servant Classes!

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

On Oct 22, 8:49 pm, Chookie wrote:
In article .com,

Barbara wrote:
And, presumably, you never intend to take your kids to a public park.
An open air fair or other celebration. A walk around town. The
mall. Even the supermarket. You don't intend to allow them to listen
to radio other than classical music.

Classical music doesn't usually contain swear words, but I will not be in a
hurry to explain the plots (let alone the words!) of too many operas to my
six-year-old...

You got me there. I yield to your wisdom!

Barbara