Wedding shower etiquette question

Since the question of gift etiquette has come up, I figure I'll ask this
question here, too.

I am giving a wedding shower for a friend's daughter. My friend was a
little concerned (not upset, quite) that I didn't include information
about where the couple is registered on the invitation, but I was taught
that that was rude: instead, I'm just telling anyone who asks, and
generally spreading the information. I'm not terribly concerned about
that, but I am curious: has it become customary to include that
information on shower invitations? She said her daughter is including
it in a card inserted into their wedding invitations, and that all the
invitations she's gotten lately have done that. Has that also become
common?

But my biggest question is different. Almost none of the people being
invited to this particular shower will be invited to the wedding
(including me and the other woman hosting it with me). The women who
first conceived of this shower all knew that going in, but it is
possible that many of the others we've invited don't know that.

Will people be upset that they aren't invited to the wedding? Is there
anything those of us hosting this shower need to do, or to be aware of?
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

dragonlady wrote:

Since the question of gift etiquette has come up, I figure I'll ask this
question here, too.

I am giving a wedding shower for a friend's daughter. My friend was a
little concerned (not upset, quite) that I didn't include information
about where the couple is registered on the invitation, but I was taught
that that was rude: instead, I'm just telling anyone who asks, and
generally spreading the information. I'm not terribly concerned about
that, but I am curious: has it become customary to include that
information on shower invitations? She said her daughter is including
it in a card inserted into their wedding invitations, and that all the
invitations she's gotten lately have done that. Has that also become
common?

Yes, it's becoming more and more common in some circles,
but it remains very rude. It's just one more example of greed
run rampant. Not only do folks expect gifts, they require
control over what gifts are to be purchased on their behalf.
Next thing you know, people will do away with the party and
the pretense of hospitality all together and they'll just
buy what they want for themselves and send everyone a bill
for their share.

But my biggest question is different. Almost none of the people being
invited to this particular shower will be invited to the wedding
(including me and the other woman hosting it with me). The women who
first conceived of this shower all knew that going in, but it is
possible that many of the others we've invited don't know that.

This is quite rude. It's not rude of you to throw a party
for the bride without being invited to the wedding, but it's
rude to send invitations to a gifts-required wedding-related
party to people who will not be invited to attend the wedding.

Will people be upset that they aren't invited to the wedding? Is there
anything those of us hosting this shower need to do, or to be aware of?

Wow. I don't know what I'd do in that situation. Yes, I
think many guests would be upset, as such an invitation implies
they're good enough to be hit up for gifts, but not good enough
to attend the main event. I think it would not be uncommon for
shower guests to assume they would be invited to the wedding, which
could lead to some awkward situations down the road. It
sounds like it's too late to change anything, but I probably
would have attempted to change the party to some other sort of
party, like a bridal tea or brunch, where gifts were not mandatory.
That way, it is not rude to have invited people who will not be
invited to the wedding. Of course, there would be no mention of
gifts in such an invitation, and gifts would not be opened at
the party so as not to embarrass those who didn't bring a gift.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"dragonlady" wrote in message
...
Since the question of gift etiquette has come up, I figure I'll ask this
question here, too.

One of my co-workers is getting married this fall, and since we work for a
chain of gift stores, I'm currently immersed in wedding etiquette.


I am giving a wedding shower for a friend's daughter. My friend was a
little concerned (not upset, quite) that I didn't include information
about where the couple is registered on the invitation, but I was taught
that that was rude:

In responding to the RSVP, the invitee should ask if the couple is
registered anywhere, hopefully the party-giver will know the details and
pass them on (as you appear to be doing.). It is a bit rude to include
this info in the invitation.


instead, I'm just telling anyone who asks, and
generally spreading the information. I'm not terribly concerned about
that, but I am curious: has it become customary to include that
information on shower invitations?

Not that I have ever heard ! If someone wants to know, they will ask.

She said her daughter is including
it in a card inserted into their wedding invitations, and that all the
invitations she's gotten lately have done that. Has that also become
common?

Not as far as I know of. I've never seen this, ever. It would offend me,
personally.
A wedding invitation is an invitation to celebrate the union of the couple,
not an exhortation for gifts. It is customary to give a gift to a bridal
couple, but the gift should be the choice of the giver. If the giver wants
to find out where the couple is registered and go from there, fine.


But my biggest question is different. Almost none of the people being
invited to this particular shower will be invited to the wedding
(including me and the other woman hosting it with me). The women who
first conceived of this shower all knew that going in, but it is
possible that many of the others we've invited don't know that.

Not sure why you are having the shower then?


Will people be upset that they aren't invited to the wedding?

Maybe. Probably!

Is there
anything those of us hosting this shower need to do, or to be aware of?


Since I've never run into this personally ,here are some ideas from wedding
etiquette websites:
--
"If you're having a wedding with guests, its considered rude by etiquette
standards to invite people to the shower but not to the wedding/reception.
Basically its telling them that you just want a gift. "

and:

Q:
My fiancé and I are having a very small wedding - only our immediate
families and a few close friends are invited. However, my mother would like
to host a bridal shower and ask some of her friends who were not invited to
the wedding to attend. Is this proper etiquette?
A:
Not really. Only those people who are invited to the wedding reception
should be asked to attend a bridal shower. Otherwise, it may appear as
though you are simply asking for more gifts than you might already be
receiving. The only exception is a shower hosted by office co-workers, not
all of whom may be attending your wedding but who wish to give you a
celebratory send-off. A better idea would be for your mother to host a party
in your and your new husband's honor after the wedding and honeymoon. This
gathering would be a celebration of your marriage and your mother can invite
as many of her friends as she wishes (most of whom will probably choose to
bring a gift). Since quite a few couples are choosing to marry in distant
locales, such after-the-wedding parties are becoming more popular.

In article ,
"dejablues" wrote:


But my biggest question is different. Almost none of the people being
invited to this particular shower will be invited to the wedding
(including me and the other woman hosting it with me). The women who
first conceived of this shower all knew that going in, but it is
possible that many of the others we've invited don't know that.

Not sure why you are having the shower then?

Because we are friends with the mother, and have known the girl since
she was a child. We want to be part of celebrating the new phase of her
life. It just seemed to be a good idea at the time. . . perhaps we
should have thought more about it. The people invited are all friends
from church, but the wedding itself will be small.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

dragonlady wrote:

In article ,
"dejablues" wrote:

But my biggest question is different. Almost none of the people being
invited to this particular shower will be invited to the wedding
(including me and the other woman hosting it with me). The women who
first conceived of this shower all knew that going in, but it is
possible that many of the others we've invited don't know that.

Not sure why you are having the shower then?

Because we are friends with the mother, and have known the girl since
she was a child. We want to be part of celebrating the new phase of her
life. It just seemed to be a good idea at the time. . . perhaps we
should have thought more about it. The people invited are all friends
from church, but the wedding itself will be small.

There's always a big question of how many people do you invite to the
wedding. When I got married, I decided to invite everyone that might
possibly want to come, and we had the wedding in a big church so there
was no space problem. There was even an announcement from the pulpit
that any church member that wanted to come was invited I think. Then
we had a receiving line at the church door.

I had only about 30 people to the reception which I had at home. It
was a morning wedding so we had lunch which my mom cooked.

IIRC, we had the bridesmaids (4-my sister, his sister and 2 close
friends who were sisters), the ushers (6-in uniform-it was a military
wedding), his parents, his 9 years younger brother, my parents, my
mom's maid, the minister and his wife, my grandparents (2), his
grandmother (invited but was sick and didn't come), our uncles and
aunts (one of whom played the organ- total of 4), our great aunts that
were close by (2), the mother and father of my two friends who were
bridesmaids (they gave me a shower) and one bridesmaids husband (3),
and one cousin of his from out of town. Some people who lived up the
street who knew us and were in a photography club with my parents
walked down and took pictures, but didn't eat.

I had a friend who did it the other way. She had an extremely small
wedding - herself, the groom, their parents and witnesses was about
it, and then she invited everyone who might want to come to the
reception. My niece did it the same way - she got married in Key West
with about the same number of people, and then 4 months later had a
big reception for all the relatives and local people to where she
lived, and it was a kind of pot luck - everyone brought food.

So it isn't necessary to invite a whole bunch of people to both the
wedding and reception. It may be necessary to explain that it is only
going to be a small wedding.

The shower I mentioned, there were a lot of people that did NOT get
invited to the wedding (or reception). For one thing I know my mom's
first cousin and her husband were there. They lived at a distance
though, and happened to be in town for the shower, so I don't think
they would have been able to come to the wedding, although they could
have done had they wished.

When dd#1 got married, we had a small wedding and reception and sent
out announcements to various far flung people who weren't invited. I
did get a nasty note back from my FILs third wife who apparently felt
that an announcement meant that we thought they should send a gift,
which IMO it does not. I don't remember if we sent the announcements
beforehand, or afterwards.





grandma Rosalie

dejablues wrote:


In responding to the RSVP, the invitee should ask if the couple is
registered anywhere, hopefully the party-giver will know the details and
pass them on (as you appear to be doing.). It is a bit rude to include
this info in the invitation.

Just to be pedantic, the invitee should ask for registry
information *IF* the invitee is interested in using the registry.
There is no requirement that a guest use the registry. Guests
are absolutely free to buy whatever they want, on the registry
or not. But yes, registry information should never be "pushed."
It should only be given out when people ask for it.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Rosalie B. wrote:


There's always a big question of how many people do you invite to the
wedding. When I got married, I decided to invite everyone that might
possibly want to come, and we had the wedding in a big church so there
was no space problem. There was even an announcement from the pulpit
that any church member that wanted to come was invited I think. Then
we had a receiving line at the church door.

Technically, virtually any church wedding is public and
open to any parish members. Churches are not private spaces,
and the bridal couple (or their parents) are not the "hosts"
in that space, so they don't get to determine who's there.
The reception, of course, is a different matter, but technically
anyone who wants to come and see the ceremony can.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
dejablues wrote:


In responding to the RSVP, the invitee should ask if the couple is
registered anywhere, hopefully the party-giver will know the details and
pass them on (as you appear to be doing.). It is a bit rude to include
this info in the invitation.

Just to be pedantic, the invitee should ask for registry
information *IF* the invitee is interested in using the registry.
There is no requirement that a guest use the registry. Guests
are absolutely free to buy whatever they want, on the registry
or not. But yes, registry information should never be "pushed."
It should only be given out when people ask for it.


I said above - pretty much what you just said:
"A wedding invitation is an invitation to celebrate the union of the couple,
not an exhortation for gifts. It is customary to give a gift to a bridal
couple, but the gift should be the choice of the giver. If the giver wants
to find out where the couple is registered and go from there, fine."

In article ,
Rosalie B. wrote:

Because we are friends with the mother, and have known the girl since
she was a child. We want to be part of celebrating the new phase of her
life. It just seemed to be a good idea at the time. . . perhaps we
should have thought more about it. The people invited are all friends
from church, but the wedding itself will be small.

There's always a big question of how many people do you invite to the
wedding. When I got married, I decided to invite everyone that might
possibly want to come, and we had the wedding in a big church so there
was no space problem. There was even an announcement from the pulpit
that any church member that wanted to come was invited I think. Then
we had a receiving line at the church door.

That would be my tendency, as well -- but I'm not in charge of the
wedding. I hope when my kids get married they want to invite the whole
world in to celebrate!
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"dragonlady" wrote in message
...
Since the question of gift etiquette has come up, I figure I'll ask this
question here, too.

I am giving a wedding shower for a friend's daughter. My friend was a
little concerned (not upset, quite) that I didn't include information
about where the couple is registered on the invitation, but I was taught
that that was rude: instead, I'm just telling anyone who asks, and
generally spreading the information. I'm not terribly concerned about
that, but I am curious: has it become customary to include that
information on shower invitations?



I think so.

She said her daughter is including
it in a card inserted into their wedding invitations, and that all the
invitations she's gotten lately have done that. Has that also become
common?

But my biggest question is different. Almost none of the people being
invited to this particular shower will be invited to the wedding
(including me and the other woman hosting it with me). The women who
first conceived of this shower all knew that going in, but it is
possible that many of the others we've invited don't know that.

Will people be upset that they aren't invited to the wedding?


Personally, I would not be "upset" but I think it is terribly rude. It says
to me, you are good enough to ask for loot from, but not quite good enough
for us to actually want you to share the actual wedding with us.

Is there
anything those of us hosting this shower need to do, or to be aware of?


--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care