Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's

wrote in message
oups.com...
I am about 3 months pregnant and I have 4 stepson's (one away at
college) ages: 13, 13, 16 and 18. The boys reside with my husband and
I on a full-time basis. I have a good relationship with all of the
boys and they were actually quite excited when we told them that we
were going to have a baby (something we've been talking about since we
got married in 2003).

Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around. My
husband isn't entirely supportive of it 'cause he thinks that
breastfeeding is an inconvenience. But I've been reading up and I told
him last night that I want to at least try breastfeeding because I feel
that the benefits highly outweigh the inconveniences. The only thing I
am really worried about is how to talk to the boys about it and/or if I
should consider not breastfeeding for the sake of their comfort because
I am afraid that they might feel weird about it. Of course, those of
you that have teenage boys know how they can be sometimes with sexual
type issues.

He thinks breastfeeding is an inconvenience? What planet is her from. The
breasts are always ready. The baby can be fed anytime, anyplace without any
preparation whatsoever. What can he say about formula feeding which
compares. plus if he is going to make the formula feeding decision, let him
change all the stinking diapers which you don't have with a breastfed baby.

Good luck!

Carl

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Hey, far be it from me to try to send anyone packing ;-)
For myself, I wasn't any more or less discreet at home than
in public when it came to breastfeeding, so I suppose I
didn't think of someone being discreet in public and baring
it all at home. To me, it wasn't any less convenient to
be discreet, so I'm not sure why I would have. So, any
teenagers around the house wouldn't have been exposed to
anything more than passers by in public would have been
exposed to, hence my confusion.

Whereas I am very discreet in public but pretty darn indiscreet at
home. If I have on something I can pull down in front I find that
easier so that's what I do. And I do this in front of my 11 and 12
year old sons, who remember being bf themselves and don't bat an
eyelash, but (for the OP) if I had stepsons I would nurse in front of
them but probably with the discretion I would use in public.

Leslie

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
...
******** to that, ok, life rarely calls for me to breastfeeding in front
of
teenage boys, but once I was (in a sling, stood outside a store) and I did
get some comments "eugh, that babies sucking on that women's titty", but
hey, silly them, they couldn't even see my breasts, if they want to lark
around with there mates then let them, they can ogle my breasts if they
want, I don't care, but the fact is there is almost never anything to see,
with your wife having had twins, this may well not have been the case, but
don't assume the same is going to be true for a singleton.

We have several teen boys in our homeschool group and the majority of the
moms in the group breastfeed, all the up to toddlerhood and beyond. The boys
grew up seeing it- seeing their siblings and many other babies/toddlers
being nursed.
I'm all for making it seem "normal" and not hiding it from the OP's
step-sons. Boys need to be taught that nursing is the standard, it is a
normal part of life and there's nothing about it that should be sneaky or
dirty or hidden away.
Marie

wrote in message
oups.com...
I am about 3 months pregnant and I have 4 stepson's (one away at
college) ages: 13, 13, 16 and 18. The boys reside with my husband and
I on a full-time basis. I have a good relationship with all of the
boys and they were actually quite excited when we told them that we
were going to have a baby (something we've been talking about since we
got married in 2003).

Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around.

Er, you're overthinking this. Why should boys be a special case? Feed the
baby. Discuss as needed.

"deja.blues" wrote in message
news:h13Qg.5073$4C1.2551@trnddc03...
Er, you're overthinking this. Why should boys be a special case? Feed the
baby. Discuss as needed.

Discuss what? I must be missing something.

Jess

wrote in message
ups.com...
OK, so far there's been a lot of good advice. Thank you all! I didn't
realize I was starting such a "popular" thread.

With that said, Of course, I will TRY to be discrete

discreet

NO MATTER where I
am BF'ing... that is just my nature and personality. Like some have
suggested, no matter how we approach the issue I'm sure there will at
least be a quick moment of awkwardness (even for myself) at first -
which, as everyone gets use to the idea will quickly subside.

Frisbee: I appreciate your input and thoughts. I agree - teenage boys
are horny fellows and they, nor I, can really control how they "feel"
or react to certain situations

You are sounding totally like a troll, now.

- "but, knowing my boys... they're just
going to be uncomfortable with the breastfeeding more because of "Icky,
that's my step mom" and not because of anything else.]

They are not your boys. Get the **** over it. You're a troll , probably, and
are getting off on this, or are wayyyy overthinking the issue, at three
months pregnant? Come on!

"I guess I will probably talk more about it with my husband to help him
see where I am coming from in my desire to BF and why it IS so
important. As for the boys, we'll figure it out I guess... I'm
thinking that I will probably talk, kind of informally, to the 16 yo
first and get him "on board" first and then I will talk to his younger
brothers. I'm not really looking for their approval, just want to give
them a "heads-up" and keep them informed and give them a chance to
voice any questions they may have.. or at least let them know that they
can ask me if they have a legitimate question."

That is *so* not necessary, especially at this time. You're like "I'm gonna
be exposing my boobs 6 months from now! Let's talk about it!"
Most likely it will be a non-issue, and they will vacate the room when the
newborn needs feeding. You need to do whats needed for the baby, and deal
with them IF it becomes an issue.
Which it most likely will not.


Thanks again all!


Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Frisbee® wrote:

I'm not imposing any restrictions. I am merely suggesting that the
mother
be as discrete as possible. It's not like the consequences are
life-threatening if she can't be discrete, and again, I am emphasizing
the
importance only at home and only because of her special situation.
You're
implying I'm a hippocrate. I am merely offering some suggestion to help
avoid some potentially uncomfortable situations because having once been
a
teenage boy, I can anticipate what the reaction will most likely be of
her
step-sons. I am 100% behind breast-feeding, for many reasons, admitedly
some of them even selfish, but most importantly for the health of the
children. Yet at the same time, whenever one -can- avoid offending
people,
or in this case, arousing people, one should strive to do so if
possible.
If it's not possible, then forget about it. Baby comes first.

Is that any clearer?

I think so. If you're saying that it would be a
good idea not to walk around half naked breastfeeding at
home in front of the step-sons, I would agree with that.
I interpreted your saying that it should be done "in private"
at home to mean that mom couldn't feed the baby in front
of the step-sons, which I would consider an extreme
and unwarranted requirement. Just saying she ought not
strip down to her skivvies to nurse certainly makes sense.
As far as the arousal issue goes, I think it is
whatever it is. I wouldn't go around being deliberately
provocative, but honestly, if it was a requirement to
avoid anything that might arouse teenaged boys, well, I'm
pretty sure the world would have to come to a screeching
halt ;-) I think at some point, they just have to become
capable of dealing with the realities of everyday life,
which includes step-mom nursing their sibling with some
reasonable degree of discretion. I'm pretty sure they'll
cope.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Frisbee® wrote:
"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
Frisbee® wrote:

I should note that I was referring ONLY to the situation at home. As far
as BF in public, screw the people that can't handle that. My point is
meant to be directly applied to this particular home situation.

Oops, I forgot to mention--this sort of seems like an
odd dichotomy to me. The boys should be expected to deal with
the sight of someone else nursing in public, but not with the
sight of their step-mother nursing at home? I'm a little
confused about that. Why the difference?

I can see what you mean, and I guess I still can't seem to express myself
clearly. This is why I never became a writer, I suppose.

I was speaking from the mother's point-of-view, I think. I think most
BF-ing mothers would try to be discrete in public, but might not try to be
as much at home. I did not mean to imply that the KIDS should treat the
situations differently, but that perhaps the mother (in this case) should.
In public, the child might see some "skin" of a total stranger, someone he
is not likely to see again. At home, he's seen step-mom's skin, and he's
going to be seeing a lot of her (no pun intended).

Does that make any sense? Or should I just shut up before I dig my hole
even deeper?

Just wanted to put my 2 cents in, and say that I completely agree with
what you're saying, Frisbee! And I'm a proud lactivist who does not
see breastfeeding as sexual at all -- but I've never been a teenage
boy. Of course the OP should breastfeed, and she doesn't need to go
hide out in a room alone to do it. However, unless her stepsons are
clear that they are comfortable with her partial nudity (and I'd be
awfully surprised if that were the case!) then she should nurse
discreetly without revealing more skin than she usually does at home.
Obviously she has a right to nurse however she wants -- but just
because we have the right to do something doesn't make it considerate
or kind to do so. Some teenage boys would be turned on by any skin
revealed, some would be grossed out -- either way, it doesn't seem a
nice thing to do and it's just not necessary. It isn't about pushing
the idea that breastfeeding isn't sexual -- the reality is that breasts
are associated with sex in this culture. It should be about
normalizing breastfeeding, and that isn't done by making teenage boys
feel uncomfortable in their own home. I agree, Frisbee, that it's far
more important for the OP to be discreet at home than in public -- her
step-sons could potentially feel much guiltier and more conflicted over
any reactions than some guy ogling her in the mall. That being said,
they could be totally fine with it all. Just take cues from them. The
only thing the OP needs to bring to the table is the casual assumption
that "of course she'll be breastfeeding." To the OP -- good luck and
good for you for being so considerate, both of your future child's
physical needs and your current children's psychological ones!

Bryna

cjra wrote:
Jamie Clark wrote:


But it's not any more difficult to explain to a teenage boy what
breastfeeding is all about, whether he is yours by birth or not.
Perhaps this is obvious, but sit and think about how you'd explain
it to him/them if they were yours by birth. How would you do it,
and what words would you use. Think about what tone you'd take, and
how you would explain it, then pretend that they are all
biologically yours, and sit them down and explain it to them. It's
pretty straight forrward. I'd have you and your husband and all the
boys sit down together, and be very straightforward. "Breasts are a
sexual thing in our society, but they are also, first and formost,
for feeding babies. Breasts make milk, and babies feed from them.
I'm going to be breastfeeding the new baby, and you might be
uncomfortable with the idea at first, but you will get used to it,
because it is a natural thing. I will make an effort to be
discrete, but at some point you may catch a glimpse of my skin, and
there is nothing wrong with that. If you have any questions or want
to talk about it in more detail, I'd be happy to talk to you some
more. In the meantime, here are some books that talk about
breastfeeding and show some photos. Feel free to look at them. I'm
here if you want to talk."

It's really not that difficult or complicated.

I agree fully with what you said, but I do see a small complication:
if the birthmother is involved in their lives, and doesn't view
breastfeeding in this light, and DOES see it as a sexual thing from
which her boys should be shielded, the step mom discussing this with
HER kids may cause significant problems with her. That may not be a
big deal, but perhaps they wish to avoid complicating further what
could already be a delicate relationship. (I've no idea about the
birth mom here, just offering a possibility). This is further
complicated by a father who is also not on board.

You know, me breastfeeding my child in my house, is my business. A
discussion between the step-kids, their dad, and myself (if this were all
me), would be between all of us. If their mother had a problem with
breastfeeding, then that's something that she would need to talk to her boys
about. But her problems with breastfeeding wouldn't be my worry or concern,
nor stop me from trying to communicate with the step-kids that live in my
house and will be seeing me feed my child. I'm not going to call her up and
ask her permission to breastfeed my child. And I wouldn't NOT talk to the
boys about it, if it was clear that a discussion needed to be had. I'd
probably make sure to say that they should talk to their mom about it as
well. I'm not trying to brainwash the kids, I'm just trying to make sure
that they are clear on what's going to be happening in the house that they
live in (again, if this were me, which it's not.)

In the end, I think, as others have said, that the best way to handle this
is likely going to be not "handling" this at all, rather, just going about
your daily life, feeding your child as necessary with discretion.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03
Addison Grace, 9/30/04

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wrote in message
oups.com...
snipped..
Maybe I'm wrong here (having a teen-age daughter, and a teenage
daughter who has ALWAYS known what breasts are for!), but I think the
best approach to to say something much about it. Just as you are
unlikely to be discussing the details of whether or not you have an
epidural, or use cloth/disposible diapers, how you feed the baby is, on
most levels, not really their concern. If they ask about it (why
haven't you bought bottles yet? What kind of formula do you need?) you
say, "Oh, I'll be breastfeeding the new baby. Otherwise, you just do
it. (I think it makes sense to be a bit discreet about it initially,
just as you might be with any other non-intimate family member, but
there's certainly no reason to hide.)

Naomi


This is a fascinating discussion but I *really* wish people would spell
"discreet" correctly. Well done Naomi!!

FWIW, I am a very shy person and dont like displaying any excess flesh to
the point where it has to be really hot for me to even wear shorts to work.
But both times while I was on maternity leave and popped into work just to
keep in touch with people, it didnt occur to me to be concerned about
nursing there if it was required. I nursed on a number of occasions in our
meeting room with my workmates present - mostly men older than me including
my boss and the manager of the research station as well as a few younger
men. Nobody even batted an eyelid - I would have been more embarrassed
about my baby creating a noisy fuss than just feeding him - I can guarantee
that no-one saw anything that I would not have wanted them to see.

In the very early days when you are just getting the hang of things, it
might be more relaxing to do it without the whole family present but I
strongly believe this should be done matter-of-factly and without fuss. If
the step-sons want to look, it is pretty unlikely that they are going to see
too much. I honestly wouldnt worry about them too much - they will cope
with however you want to handle it. I would be more worried about getting
my husband on the same page about breastfeeding - an unsupportive husband
will result in a very short breastfeeding relationship and both Mum and baby
misses out on some very important health benefits in that case.

cheers
Leah

Frisbee® wrote:
They can certainly choose not to ogle, but since you've never experienced
the raging hormones that most teenage boys experience, I doubt you'd
understand the incredible self-control that would require. I'm not saying
that's right, I am saying it's natural, however.

[laughter]

Not to feed this (dangerously close to a flame war), but, I read this
and thought, y'know, teenage girls go crazy, too. I think it's funny
that (some) males still think that females pass through the teen years
unscathed.
--
Cheri Stryker

mom to DS1 - 7 yrs, and DS2 - 7 months