Nine year old daughter displays temper

Another thought comes to mind-is it possible that she's stressed and having
trouble holding it together at school (maybe a subject is harder than she
thinks it should be, or she's a bit bored. or there's some clique thing
going on (which seriously starts about that age)), with the result that when
she gets home she's just plain tired and doesn't have the energy left to
hold it together, so she snaps at her sisters?

Nine year daughter old screams

My nine year old daughter, I am told, is excellently behaved in
school.
When she comes home, however, she displays a streak of temper and
intolerance toward her younger sisters (ages seven and four) that
frustrates me. If they do something that she considers unfair, but
that I consider minor and typical of young girls (example: play with
her toy without asking and leave it on the floor), she may start to
scream at the top of her lungs at them (particularly at the seven year
old) and sometimes hit as well.

If I intervene and calmly-but-firmly express displeasure with her
behavoour, she directs her screaming at me (or at my wife), and may
scream "leave me alone" or may even try to punch me. Threatening and
following through on punishments (example: no Internet today unless
you stop now) does not seem to work. Lately, after a threat on my
part in the middle of one of her outbursts, she sometimes yells "OK,
take away all my privledges".

What do I do with a bright girl who seems to be able to behave well
outside the house, but who, several times a day, become a small terror
at home?

It may not help much....but for what its worth, I have 9 1/2 year old
who behaves in a similar fashion. It seems to be a drama queen phase
she's going through. Certainly her two older brothers never did this -
the shrieking and screaming, the flouncing, the door slamming, the
sulking and pouting, the being "hurt" (i.e. often over imagined
slights).

I'm wondering if this is some sort of pre-adolescent "girl" thing.

M.

In article . com, don says...

Nine year daughter old screams

My nine year old daughter, I am told, is excellently behaved in
school.
When she comes home, however, she displays a streak of temper and
intolerance toward her younger sisters (ages seven and four) that
frustrates me. If they do something that she considers unfair, but
that I consider minor and typical of young girls (example: play with
her toy without asking and leave it on the floor), she may start to
scream at the top of her lungs at them (particularly at the seven year
old) and sometimes hit as well.

Hmm...

Don! Give me your car keys! I wanna play with your car and take it somewhere.

Oh, where you'll find your car when I'm bored with it?? - oh well, folks like
me are a little spacey, y'know ;-)

Now, how would that make you feel and want to act? The feelings at least, are
typical for a 30'odd or however-old-you-are.

Next, imagine how that feels to a nine year old girl.

OF COURSE she doesn't like her stuff taken and left somewhere. She doesn't like
it taken. She doesn't like it left where she can't find it. Because she's -
human. Not only because she's nine. You've got a major blind spot there.

That it happens to her is typical behavior, as you say, for seven and four year
olds. If their Dad lets them :-/


If I intervene and calmly-but-firmly express displeasure with her
behavoour, she directs her screaming at me (or at my wife), and may
scream "leave me alone" or may even try to punch me. Threatening and
following through on punishments (example: no Internet today unless
you stop now) does not seem to work. Lately, after a threat on my
part in the middle of one of her outbursts, she sometimes yells "OK,
take away all my privledges".

What do I do with a bright girl who seems to be able to behave well
outside the house, but who, several times a day, become a small terror
at home?


Sure, she need to learn emotional control and positive ways of dealing with
things.

But that won't happen in a context where her legitimate needs and feelings are
blown off. So start with that. Build in livable boundaries for your three
girls to live with.

Banty

On Aug 23, 2:16 pm, don wrote:
Nine year daughter old screams

My nine year old daughter, I am told, is excellently behaved in
school.
When she comes home, however, she displays a streak of temper and
intolerance toward her younger sisters (ages seven and four) that
frustrates me. If they do something that she considers unfair, but
that I consider minor and typical of young girls (example: play with
her toy without asking and leave it on the floor), she may start to
scream at the top of her lungs at them (particularly at the seven year
old) and sometimes hit as well.

If I intervene and calmly-but-firmly express displeasure with her
behavoour, she directs her screaming at me (or at my wife), and may
scream "leave me alone" or may even try to punch me. Threatening and
following through on punishments (example: no Internet today unless
you stop now) does not seem to work.

A child who even thinks about punching a parent is overdue for a
spanking. That would be the obvious answer 50 years ago, and I doubt
that Americans are doing a better job of rearing well-behaved children
today.

Lately, after a threat on my
part in the middle of one of her outbursts, she sometimes yells "OK,
take away all my privledges".

The ultimate privilege is her living with her family. I live in a
duplex, and when repeated scoldings and time-outs have not worked with
my 4yo, (usually involving his treatment of his 2yo brother), I have
on occasion put him in the corridor between the two units and closed
the door. A minute later, he is subdued. Children ought to be a little
afraid of their parents, especially their fathers. My parents were and
are great, but I knew they were boss.

In article .com, Beliavsky
says...

On Aug 23, 2:16 pm, don wrote:
Nine year daughter old screams

My nine year old daughter, I am told, is excellently behaved in
school.
When she comes home, however, she displays a streak of temper and
intolerance toward her younger sisters (ages seven and four) that
frustrates me. If they do something that she considers unfair, but
that I consider minor and typical of young girls (example: play with
her toy without asking and leave it on the floor), she may start to
scream at the top of her lungs at them (particularly at the seven year
old) and sometimes hit as well.

If I intervene and calmly-but-firmly express displeasure with her
behavoour, she directs her screaming at me (or at my wife), and may
scream "leave me alone" or may even try to punch me. Threatening and
following through on punishments (example: no Internet today unless
you stop now) does not seem to work.

A child who even thinks about punching a parent is overdue for a
spanking. That would be the obvious answer 50 years ago, and I doubt
that Americans are doing a better job of rearing well-behaved children
today.

Lately, after a threat on my
part in the middle of one of her outbursts, she sometimes yells "OK,
take away all my privledges".

The ultimate privilege is her living with her family.

Stop .. there.
Actually, that's a right. Not a privelege.

The rest of your response is beyond answering.

Banty

On Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:16:28 -0700, don wrote:

Nine year daughter old screams

My nine year old daughter, I am told, is excellently behaved in
school.
When she comes home, however, she displays a streak of temper and
intolerance toward her younger sisters (ages seven and four) that
frustrates me. If they do something that she considers unfair, but
that I consider minor and typical of young girls (example: play with
her toy without asking and leave it on the floor), she may start to
scream at the top of her lungs at them (particularly at the seven year
old) and sometimes hit as well.

My children are not that old yet. I can only tell you what works right
now. I put them in their rooms until they calm down. When in a tantrum,
DS lost all ability to reason. He didn't care what I took away and he
acted out worse.

I read the book _Parenting the Strong-willed Child_ by Rex Forehand. It's
for younger children, but I think a lot of the techniques may work for the
older child, as long as you work it in to not sound too condescending. It
worked wonders for us. You just wouldn't believe it. I followed the
program as closely as possible and there were results the very first week.

I do agree with Banty, though. Her feelings about her things need to be
respected. If the children are pleying with her things, they need to be
taught to ask her first and put them away properly afterwards. It's not
too hard for 4 and 7 yo's.

Read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, M.D. I have a daughter like this
too. Good luck.
--
Sue

"don" wrote in message
ups.com...
Nine year daughter old screams

My nine year old daughter, I am told, is excellently behaved in
school.
When she comes home, however, she displays a streak of temper and
intolerance toward her younger sisters (ages seven and four) that
frustrates me. If they do something that she considers unfair, but
that I consider minor and typical of young girls (example: play with
her toy without asking and leave it on the floor), she may start to
scream at the top of her lungs at them (particularly at the seven year
old) and sometimes hit as well.

If I intervene and calmly-but-firmly express displeasure with her
behavoour, she directs her screaming at me (or at my wife), and may
scream "leave me alone" or may even try to punch me. Threatening and
following through on punishments (example: no Internet today unless
you stop now) does not seem to work. Lately, after a threat on my
part in the middle of one of her outbursts, she sometimes yells "OK,
take away all my privledges".

What do I do with a bright girl who seems to be able to behave well
outside the house, but who, several times a day, become a small terror
at home?

don wrote:

What do I do with a bright girl who seems to be able to behave well
outside the house, but who, several times a day, become a small terror
at home?

Find out what's driving it. It could be any number
of things. She may be using all her energy to cope
at school and be emotionally exhausted by the end of the
day. Maybe she needs more control over her stuff and privacy.
Older kids need not only more responsibility (which you're
expecting of her in terms of understanding that her younger
sisters aren't as mature), but also more control/autonomy/
privileges/whatever to go along with it. Why is it that
her sisters have access to her stuff? Does she have a
safe spot of her own for her stuff? (I.e., it's one thing
if her sister got at it because she left it lying around,
but another thing entirely if her sister was allowed to
traipse through her personal stuff.) Maybe she perceives
she's getting the short end of the stick from her parents
compared with her siblings. That's a problem if she perceives
it that way even if it's not true (and sometimes it's actually
true--we cut the younger ones so much slack that it really
*does* get unfair to the older ones). Does she need more
private time than she gets, or are her sisters in her
face all the time she's at home? Have you asked her
about all this (sometime when it's not the middle of
an altercation)? What does she say?
Besides all that, she's getting into those pre-teen
hormones, and that mixes everything up as well. She needs
to learn some coping strategies for that sort of thing, but
to some extent it's not surprising she has roller coaster
moments at this age--and it will likely get worse before
it gets better. Who's talking with her about all these
feelings and how to find productive ways to cope with them?

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article .com,
Beliavsky wrote:

A child who even thinks about punching a parent is overdue for a
spanking. That would be the obvious answer 50 years ago, and I doubt
that Americans are doing a better job of rearing well-behaved children
today.

Well, I do smack my child. But I would certainly not be expecting to do it
when he's nine.

The ultimate privilege is her living with her family. I live in a
duplex, and when repeated scoldings and time-outs have not worked with
my 4yo, (usually involving his treatment of his 2yo brother), I have
on occasion put him in the corridor between the two units and closed
the door. A minute later, he is subdued.

Be very, very careful about this one. I have heard of families where part of
the repertoire is to ask the child whether they want to keep living with the
family -- but eventually, the child will call your bluff. Then what will you
do?

Children ought to be a little
afraid of their parents, especially their fathers. My parents were and
are great, but I knew they were boss.

A bit of fear can be very easily inculcated by a parent with a mental illness.
Er, what was the fear *for*?

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue