pregnant 17 year old

My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together. He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family) is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?

Chris wrote:
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together. He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family) is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?

There are independent living programs for teenagers, and even more for
teenage mothers. You can access these either through religious groups
or through private agencies. She will also qualify for WIC and other
welfare type programs (and will get more if she lives apart from you).
In my state it's called TANF (temporary aid to needy families), but
your state may differ.
Google terms like "teen mother program", "independent living program",
"homeless youth outreach" (they'd be able to let you know what options
are available in your area). Check out your state's website for
programs for teen moms.
She can access these kinds of programs whether she is planning to
parent or considering adoption (although it sounds like she wants to
parent). There are communtiy supports available for teen couples who
are parenting and live on their own. I've worked with teen parents
before, and IMHO they stand a better chance of being good parents and
forming a family of their own if they do live on their own with
supports. Often teen parents/couples that live with family end up not
learning how to do the parenting themselves or how to be their own
family. Actually, a good place to access a resource list would be your
local WIC office. http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/ Also, many maternity
units at hospitals have social workers especially for teen moms,
low-income moms, etc.
HTH,
Amy

"V." wrote in message
oups.com...

Chris wrote:
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did
not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the
first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves
out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live
together. He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this
one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and
has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will
not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family)
is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our
troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?

There are independent living programs for teenagers, and even more for
teenage mothers. You can access these either through religious groups
or through private agencies. She will also qualify for WIC and other
welfare type programs (and will get more if she lives apart from you).

Doesn't make sense to me, but at least it's to our advantage.

In my state it's called TANF (temporary aid to needy families), but
your state may differ.

My wife informs me that she is already getting some kind of medical welfare
assistance and just now told me that she has a WIC appointment today.
However, she also informs me that the waiting list for Section 8 (HUD) is
over THREE years! What good is that for someone who needs it now? Seems to
me that housing assistance is the highest priority since it generally costs
more than the other necessities. I know absolutely nothing about welfare,
except that I have to pay an awful lot to support such programs. Now you
know why I can not afford to support her daughter and baby.

Google terms like "teen mother program", "independent living program",
"homeless youth outreach" (they'd be able to let you know what options
are available in your area). Check out your state's website for
programs for teen moms.

Will definitely check these out!

She can access these kinds of programs whether she is planning to
parent or considering adoption (although it sounds like she wants to
parent).

Her mother says that she is unable to care for herself. Based on that, I
concluded that since she is unable to care for herself, then she is unable
to care for her baby, thus adoption is the answer. But her child says "no
way"! Am I wrong?

There are communtiy supports available for teen couples who
are parenting and live on their own. I've worked with teen parents
before, and IMHO they stand a better chance of being good parents and
forming a family of their own if they do live on their own with
supports. Often teen parents/couples that live with family end up not
learning how to do the parenting themselves or how to be their own
family.

I agree!

Actually, a good place to access a resource list would be your
local WIC office. http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/

I briefly looked over the site and noticed the "poor diet" requirement. I
can certainly give testimony to that. Not a big fan of government handouts,
but at least these benefits appear to be actual food products as opposed to
cash which is often used to purchase narcotics, alcohol, and lottery
tickets. A step in the right direction. I will review the site in more
detail.

Also, many maternity
units at hospitals have social workers especially for teen moms,
low-income moms, etc.
HTH,
Amy

Thank you Amy. I will pass all this information on to my wife and
stepdaughter.
Just curious, the father was a legal adult at the time of BOTH conceptions.
Are there statutory rape laws or is that just my imagination?

"Chris" wrote in message
news:AJu1f.649$UF4.281@fed1read02...

"V." wrote in message
oups.com...

Just curious, the father was a legal adult at the time of BOTH
conceptions.
Are there statutory rape laws or is that just my imagination?


Just your imagination. Seriously, age of consent in most states is
16y.o., and even those with an 18y.o. age of consent won't prosecute for
minors over 16 unless there is a significant age difference between the
parties (usually defined as more than 5 years) or some form of
coercion/abuse of power is used (sex in return for grades, etc).
Here's a list of ages of consent by state:
http://www.webistry.net/jan/consent.html

You're right that if your wife feels your step-daughter can't care for
herself that she should not be responsible for an infant. Chances are if
she is so impaired, some health professional is going to make a report to
human services. If your wife's perception is more based in her feeling that
her baby is too young to have a baby, but the daughter actually is capable,
human services won't do much of anything. If they agree that she is not
able to care for an infant alone, they will probably start out with
conditions like she participate in a teen mother's program and live with
family or a family member be appointed guardian of the child so the teenager
can't just take off with the infant. That might be a surprise to your wife.
Even though her daughter is legally a minor, in issues concerning her own
child she is considered an emancipated adult and can make any decision she
chooses, including moving in the boyfriend, leaving the house after a fight
with your wife and not letting your wife see the baby, etc, etc.

Good luck,
Amy

"V." wrote in message
...

"Chris" wrote in message
news:AJu1f.649$UF4.281@fed1read02...

"V." wrote in message
oups.com...

Just curious, the father was a legal adult at the time of BOTH
conceptions.
Are there statutory rape laws or is that just my imagination?


Just your imagination. Seriously, age of consent in most states is
16y.o., and even those with an 18y.o. age of consent won't prosecute for
minors over 16 unless there is a significant age difference between the
parties (usually defined as more than 5 years) or some form of
coercion/abuse of power is used (sex in return for grades, etc).
Here's a list of ages of consent by state:
http://www.webistry.net/jan/consent.html

You're right that if your wife feels your step-daughter can't care for
herself that she should not be responsible for an infant. Chances are if
she is so impaired, some health professional is going to make a report to
human services. If your wife's perception is more based in her feeling
that
her baby is too young to have a baby, but the daughter actually is
capable,
human services won't do much of anything. If they agree that she is not
able to care for an infant alone, they will probably start out with
conditions like she participate in a teen mother's program and live with
family or a family member be appointed guardian of the child so the
teenager
can't just take off with the infant. That might be a surprise to your
wife.
Even though her daughter is legally a minor, in issues concerning her own
child she is considered an emancipated adult and can make any decision she
chooses, including moving in the boyfriend, leaving the house after a
fight
with your wife and not letting your wife see the baby, etc, etc.

Good luck,
Amy

Thank you for the site. I have heard it before that a minor (13, 14, etc.)
mom can legally make medical decisions for her baby, but cannot make medical
decisions for herself. Makes sense to me! The saving grace in my situation
is that she will be a legal adult prior to birth. In my opinion, the
daughter is MORE than capable of caring for herself and baby. Her greatest
obstacle is laziness!

I dont know about the state you live in but I know in NH 16 is the age of
concent.. does not matter how old either party is as long as they are 16+

Tori

"Chris" wrote in message
news:AJu1f.649$UF4.281@fed1read02...

"V." wrote in message
oups.com...

Chris wrote:
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did
not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have
her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the
first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here.
Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves
out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live
together. He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this
one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy
and
has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I
will
not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first
family)
is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our
troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?

There are independent living programs for teenagers, and even more for
teenage mothers. You can access these either through religious groups
or through private agencies. She will also qualify for WIC and other
welfare type programs (and will get more if she lives apart from you).

Doesn't make sense to me, but at least it's to our advantage.

In my state it's called TANF (temporary aid to needy families), but
your state may differ.

My wife informs me that she is already getting some kind of medical
welfare
assistance and just now told me that she has a WIC appointment today.
However, she also informs me that the waiting list for Section 8 (HUD) is
over THREE years! What good is that for someone who needs it now? Seems to
me that housing assistance is the highest priority since it generally
costs
more than the other necessities. I know absolutely nothing about welfare,
except that I have to pay an awful lot to support such programs. Now you
know why I can not afford to support her daughter and baby.

Google terms like "teen mother program", "independent living program",
"homeless youth outreach" (they'd be able to let you know what options
are available in your area). Check out your state's website for
programs for teen moms.

Will definitely check these out!

She can access these kinds of programs whether she is planning to
parent or considering adoption (although it sounds like she wants to
parent).

Her mother says that she is unable to care for herself. Based on that, I
concluded that since she is unable to care for herself, then she is unable
to care for her baby, thus adoption is the answer. But her child says "no
way"! Am I wrong?

There are communtiy supports available for teen couples who
are parenting and live on their own. I've worked with teen parents
before, and IMHO they stand a better chance of being good parents and
forming a family of their own if they do live on their own with
supports. Often teen parents/couples that live with family end up not
learning how to do the parenting themselves or how to be their own
family.

I agree!

Actually, a good place to access a resource list would be your
local WIC office. http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/

I briefly looked over the site and noticed the "poor diet" requirement. I
can certainly give testimony to that. Not a big fan of government
handouts,
but at least these benefits appear to be actual food products as opposed
to
cash which is often used to purchase narcotics, alcohol, and lottery
tickets. A step in the right direction. I will review the site in more
detail.

Also, many maternity
units at hospitals have social workers especially for teen moms,
low-income moms, etc.
HTH,
Amy

Thank you Amy. I will pass all this information on to my wife and
stepdaughter.
Just curious, the father was a legal adult at the time of BOTH
conceptions.
Are there statutory rape laws or is that just my imagination?

"Chris" wrote in message
news:Fsy0f.139$UF4.76@fed1read02...
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together.
He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this
one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and
has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will
not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family)
is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?

Your first priority is to yourself and your own family.

"oregonchick" wrote in message
...

"Chris" wrote in message
news:Fsy0f.139$UF4.76@fed1read02...
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did
not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the
first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves
out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live
together.
He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this
one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and
has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will
not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family)
is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our
troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?

Your first priority is to yourself and your own family.

That's what I thought when I said "in good times and in bad times, till
death....".
Thank you!

You're not going to be able to convince a mother to withdraw support
from her daughter when her daughter is in need.

Your stepdaughter was being irresponsible by getting pregnant with no
ability to support herself and her baby. Your wife is being a mother,
by stepping in to help her daughter when she has done something
irresponsible.

Sometimes mothers need to kick in with "tough love," to set boundaries
and conditions, but that doesn't usually translate into kicking one's
pregnant daughter out on the street.

If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage
hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will need to get
some kind of professional counseling help and you will have to
recognize that you may have to give in on some things, have to accept
things you don't like, and have to give up the habit of making
unilateral pronouncements on family decisions (like, "I informed both
of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here"). You
also need to recognize that when you marry a woman who has kids, her
kids become part of your family.

If you are not serious about saving your marriage, go ahead and end it
now. The longer you keep "hanging by a thread" without a strong
committment to your marriage and your family, the more you are just
another problem for these people.

For starters, thank you very much for your response! Now, I will respond,
with all due respect, to your post below.

"alath" wrote in message
ups.com...
You're not going to be able to convince a mother to withdraw support
from her daughter when her daughter is in need.

Seems to me that such "support" will do more harm than good in the long run.


Your stepdaughter was being irresponsible by getting pregnant with no
ability to support herself and her baby.

And it is I who most likely will pay the penalty for such
irresponsibility..... not her.

Your wife is being a mother,
by stepping in to help her daughter when she has done something
irresponsible.

Isn't that the role of the (baby's) father?


Sometimes mothers need to kick in with "tough love," to set boundaries
and conditions, but that doesn't usually translate into kicking one's
pregnant daughter out on the street.

A long time ago, I made the offer of allowing (ONLY) her daughter to live
here after she becomes an adult ONLY if she respects both me and the home
(more specifically the rules of the house). Does this sound unreasonable to
you?


If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage
hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so.

To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment to her
daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will need to get
some kind of professional counseling help and you will have to
recognize that you may have to give in on some things, have to accept
things you don't like, and have to give up the habit of making
unilateral pronouncements on family decisions (like, "I informed both
of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here").

So does my wife make the "unilateral pronouncements" on family decisions, or
am I living in a democracy where the votes of my wife and her child
outnumber mine?

You
also need to recognize that when you marry a woman who has kids, her
kids become part of your family.

Even though her kid informed me (again today) in no uncertain terms that she
will have NOTHING to do with me?


If you are not serious about saving your marriage, go ahead and end it
now.

Not interested.

The longer you keep "hanging by a thread" without a strong
committment to your marriage and your family, the more you are just
another problem for these people.

My committment to my marriage is probably stronger than your committment to
a marriage is or would be based upon your above statement "....and rightly
so.". Additionally, it is not I who has shaved down the fabric of our
marriage. But I must agree with you that I probably am "just another problem
for these people".