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#1
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Help, advice, Please?
hi there, new to this board.
i need help, and advice, and info please!!! i have a son who is almost 2. i have spanked him, and hated it every time. i do not wish to hit my child, in fact untill just recently (a couple of months ago) i never thought i would i was as anti spanking as you can get ( i dont think its right, i just dont). the problem is that i just dont know what else to do. its what i grew up with, and what i knew, and i'm at my whits end!!! any non spanking parents of toddlers, PLEASE give me some advice. thank you |
#2
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Help, advice, Please?
Hi,
Thank you for writing, and for your honesty. Regardless of what we believe, it's hard to parent differently than we were parented. Also, toddlerhood is one of the most difficult times for parents---and for children. I'm not currently parenting a toddler, but I have been there. My girls are now 20 and 24, but I remember the age well. There are some great parenting books that recommend alternatives to spanking. "The Discipline Book" by Sears is good, and Johnson & Johnson have a good book about toddler development and parenting. I think it helps if one understands the meaning behind toddler behavior, which can be trying, to say the least. In addition to raising children, I have a doctorate in Child Development and Early Childhood Education/Special Education. Feel free to write me personally if you would like specific suggestions, or just to vent. The important thing is that you do not believe in spanking your child, you feel bad when you spank your child, and you want alternatives. I look forward to hearing from you. LaVonne "C. Gregory" wrote: hi there, new to this board. i need help, and advice, and info please!!! i have a son who is almost 2. i have spanked him, and hated it every time. i do not wish to hit my child, in fact untill just recently (a couple of months ago) i never thought i would i was as anti spanking as you can get ( i dont think its right, i just dont). the problem is that i just dont know what else to do. its what i grew up with, and what i knew, and i'm at my whits end!!! any non spanking parents of toddlers, PLEASE give me some advice. thank you |
#3
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Help, advice, Please?
"C. Gregory" ) writes:
hi there, new to this board. i need help, and advice, and info please!!! i have a son who is almost 2. i have spanked him, and hated it every time. i do not wish to hit my child, in fact untill just recently (a couple of months ago) i never thought i would i was as anti spanking as you can get ( i dont think its right, i just dont). the problem is that i just dont know what else to do. its what i grew up with, and what i knew, and i'm at my whits end!!! any non spanking parents of toddlers, PLEASE give me some advice. thank you Hello. I think you would like to read the book "Setting Limits: Raising Responsible Children with CLEAR Boundaries" by R. Mackenzie. This book tells how to get children to follow rules, without spanking and without ever needing to yell either. Toddlers can be very very frustrating at times. It helps to keep a sense of humour. When everything is going wrong, try to just suddenly break out laughing. Sometimes it works. It's good to calmly think out a plan for what to do when the child does something you don't like. When you have some free time (as if parents of toddlers ever do!) you can try to think of things the child might do, and then think of how you will respond. Example: your child hits another child. One way to respond: you calmly say "we don't hit." You pick up your child and take him/her away from the other children, away from the toys, to a quiet place for a whole minute (which seems like a long time at that age.) Then you take your child back, maybe say "let's play gently," and that's that. If the child hits again, you do it again. Similar actions have been proven in scientific studies to be as effective as spanking in teaching proper behaviour. Probably more effective in the long run. Better yet, you watch and catch your child before he/she hits. "I see you're frustrated because you want that toy. Let's ask the other child for a turn." If you tell me what situations you spank in, I can give alternative suggestions for those situations. One idea: do everything else the same, but just don't spank! Just do something to calm yourself down instead. The child will sometimes do things you don't like, whether you spank or not. If you don't spank, in the long run, he/she will probably behave a lot better than if you do. -- Cathy |
#4
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Help, advice, Please?
The biggest issue right now is sleep time, bed time or nap time, he throws
a fit, screaming, kicking, hitting, getting out of bed, etc... it isnt every day, but more often than not. i've tried keeping him on a fairly regulated schedule (not second by second, but around the same time every day) and we have a ritual (kind of) that involves potty, drink, story and music. this all works if i can get him to settle down long enough to want to hear the story. ( is it just me or is a not quite 2 year old a little bit young to be doing the whole "go potty!!!" "want drink" "go potty" routine before bed? just curious!!) also, biting is a big issue from time to time, and that one really bothers me, because he bites my roommates child occasionally (he wont bite for weeks, then suddenly he's a biting fool.) i realise that spanking him doesnt make sense "im going to hurt you because you hurt him" just seems really childish to me. but what do i do? i can separate the kids, and say no bite! but he keeps on doing it. as far as the rest, i am making a concerted effort not to spank him, and it made me realise that i was doing it out of frustration, which is dangerous, i'd hate to loose controll of myself, and not really doing any good. now i tend to tell him what he should be doing. if he hits i say no hitting, show nice! (he'll rub the side of your face gently and say nice) or say sorry and give huggs. sometimes this works, but how do i deal with the NO! NO!NO!'s? ah the joys of toddlers!! thanks for the info and help so far. !! Celeste P.S. just wanted to say that he is actually a very well behaved child most of the time, he is just a little hyper and desperately curious and not afraid of anything, and incredibly bright, which just happens to be an exausting and sometimes frustrating combo, but soooo rewarding too. my little guy is the best thing thats ever happened to me, and the only way i'd be any happier is if he slept past 6:30 in the morning!!! ;-) Celeste "Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message ... "C. Gregory" ) writes: hi there, new to this board. i need help, and advice, and info please!!! i have a son who is almost 2. i have spanked him, and hated it every time. i do not wish to hit my child, in fact untill just recently (a couple of months ago) i never thought i would i was as anti spanking as you can get ( i dont think its right, i just dont). the problem is that i just dont know what else to do. its what i grew up with, and what i knew, and i'm at my whits end!!! any non spanking parents of toddlers, PLEASE give me some advice. thank you Hello. I think you would like to read the book "Setting Limits: Raising Responsible Children with CLEAR Boundaries" by R. Mackenzie. This book tells how to get children to follow rules, without spanking and without ever needing to yell either. Toddlers can be very very frustrating at times. It helps to keep a sense of humour. When everything is going wrong, try to just suddenly break out laughing. Sometimes it works. It's good to calmly think out a plan for what to do when the child does something you don't like. When you have some free time (as if parents of toddlers ever do!) you can try to think of things the child might do, and then think of how you will respond. Example: your child hits another child. One way to respond: you calmly say "we don't hit." You pick up your child and take him/her away from the other children, away from the toys, to a quiet place for a whole minute (which seems like a long time at that age.) Then you take your child back, maybe say "let's play gently," and that's that. If the child hits again, you do it again. Similar actions have been proven in scientific studies to be as effective as spanking in teaching proper behaviour. Probably more effective in the long run. Better yet, you watch and catch your child before he/she hits. "I see you're frustrated because you want that toy. Let's ask the other child for a turn." If you tell me what situations you spank in, I can give alternative suggestions for those situations. One idea: do everything else the same, but just don't spank! Just do something to calm yourself down instead. The child will sometimes do things you don't like, whether you spank or not. If you don't spank, in the long run, he/she will probably behave a lot better than if you do. -- Cathy |
#5
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Help, advice, Please?
"C. Gregory" ) writes:
The biggest issue right now is sleep time, bed time or nap time, he throws a fit, screaming, kicking, hitting, getting out of bed, etc... it isnt every day, but more often than not. Ooh, that's a tough one. Sounds very difficult for you. Probably very difficult for him, too. I wonder whether he's afraid to go to sleep because of nightmares. I wonder what your sleeping arrangements a that is, do you expect him to be alone in a room while he falls asleep? If so, I would urge you to consider staying with him until he falls asleep. Little children are often afraid of being alone. Many mothers find that breastfeeding is a relatively easy way to get toddlers to sleep. You could try a cradle or some sort of (safe) swinging hammock, or try to have him fall asleep in your lap while you rock in a rocking chair. You could take him for a walk in a stroller at naptime; he might fall asleep like that. That might not be as convenient for you as having him sleep in a bed at home, but it might be better than the kicking and stuff. There are some good ideas on this page: http://borntoexplore.org/discipline.htm While this is written for parents of kids with ADD, the ideas apply to all kids IMO. See especially the part of that page that begins "I had just read about Kiersey's ...". (Most of the way down the page, the second yellow section after the blue heading "Method # 2: Abuse it -- Lose it", not the heading near the top, "2. Abuse it -- Lose it".) This talks about how Teresa Gallagher (the author of the web page) got her son to take naps in day care with a system where he would lose the privilege of using his cot if he got up. If you decide to use a method like that, you need enough confidence to be able to continue calmly applying the method while it seems not to work the first few times. You need to get across to the child that you will continue using that method no matter what the child does. Spanking will certainly not help get a child to sleep. You might consider whether he needs to have a longer sleep at night and no nap. At least that would cut the struggles in half! If he's not tired, it's harder to get him to sleep. With my kids, sometimes naps had to be at a specific time. If we started trying to have the nap later than 12:30 past noon, it took longer to get them to sleep. Different kids will have different patterns. They might not look tired when the best time for the nap comes along. Consider adding a bath into the sleeptime routine. Supposedly it does something to body temperature that promotes sleep. Anyway, I found baths were really useful: both to keep a baby awake during the bath, and to help the baby or child get to sleep shortly after the bath. I think the bath helps relax them. (Or if they splash a lot maybe it tires them out.) Also try to think of things you can say as part of the bedtime routine. "Good night, sleep tight" or whatever. Things to say just before the story and just after. The same things every time, said in a very loving voice. It helps make the routine more routine, and signals the child that it's time to go to sleep. -- Cathy |
#6
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Help, advice, Please?
thanks so much for your reply!
I wonder whether he's afraid to go to sleep because of nightmares. I've concidered this but im not sure. maybe, im always there for him if he wakes up crying tho, we make sure he knows that he can come to our room at night if he needs us too. bad dreams stink. I wonder what your sleeping arrangements a that is, do you expect him to be alone in a room while he falls asleep? If so, I would urge you to consider staying with him until he falls asleep. Little children are often afraid of being alone. Lately i have been trying to stay with him untill he falls asleep. also, my roomates son of the same age sleeps in the same room (im kind of a live in nanny for my roommates son, in exchange for rent) so he's never really alone. Many mothers find that breastfeeding is a relatively easy way to get toddlers to sleep. Breastfeeding worked really great, but we just recently weaned, so its not an option. i love nursing him, but he was getting to the point where i couldnt sit down without him running up to me going "Nurse, nurse, nurse!!!!" and pretty much pulling my shirt off. i actually miss it sometimes though. they were some really nice relaxing times 9when he settled down,lol). maybe i could teach him that nurse is for nite nite only? has anyone else done this, and did it work? i dont mind nursing him, i just dont like him getting all grabby and demanding about it, know what i mean? You could try a cradle or some sort of (safe) swinging hammock, or try to have him fall asleep in your lap while you rock in a rocking chair. You could take him for a walk in a stroller at naptime; he might fall asleep like that. That might not be as convenient for you as having him sleep in a bed at home, but it might be better than the kicking and stuff. i've tried some of this, but the only thing that seems to work is a drive in the car. unfortunately i dont drive, and my hubby isnt always home to do it so..... The whole rocking chair thing used to work when he was littler, but its like he has a "that'll put me to sleep!!" radar in his head. as soon as something starts feeling relaxing he starts fighting it. like when i sttroke his forhead, he gets drowsy, then starts swatting my hand away, stuff like that. There are some good ideas on this page: http://borntoexplore.org/discipline.htm While this is written for parents of kids with ADD, the ideas apply to all kids IMO. See especially the part of that page that begins "I had just read about Kiersey's ...". (Most of the way down the page, the second yellow section after the blue heading "Method # 2: Abuse it -- Lose it", not the heading near the top, "2. Abuse it -- Lose it".) This talks about how Teresa Gallagher (the author of the web page) got her son to take naps in day care with a system where he would lose the privilege of using his cot if he got up. If you decide to use a method like that, you need enough confidence to be able to continue calmly applying the method while it seems not to work the first few times. You need to get across to the child that you will continue using that method no matter what the child does. Spanking will certainly not help get a child to sleep. when i realised this i started this thread. i never ever wanted to spank him ever! and it really doesnt make sense to get him all riled up before trying to get him to sleep. total agreement with you. You might consider whether he needs to have a longer sleep at night and no nap. At least that would cut the struggles in half! If he's not tired, it's harder to get him to sleep. tired is not the issue, if he doesnt get his nap he turns into a holy terror by 4 pm . well, not really a holy terror, but suddenly gets selective hearing and a serious case of the no!'s and other disruptive behavior, i can tell when he gets tired by his behavior, lol, its like a little gauge on his back. With my kids, sometimes naps had to be at a specific time. If we started trying to have the nap later than 12:30 past noon, it took longer to get them to sleep. Different kids will have different patterns. They might not look tired when the best time for the nap comes along. i so know what you mean, if he misses his nap time it throws off his whole day, including bed time! i found that if he misses his nap its harder to get him to sleep at night Consider adding a bath into the sleeptime routine. Supposedly it does something to body temperature that promotes sleep. Anyway, I found baths were really useful: both to keep a baby awake during the bath, and to help the baby or child get to sleep shortly after the bath. I think the bath helps relax them. (Or if they splash a lot maybe it tires them out.) the bath thing helpe, if i can get him out of the bath without a struggle, lol, bath time is his favorite time of the day!!!lol Also try to think of things you can say as part of the bedtime routine. "Good night, sleep tight" or whatever. Things to say just before the story and just after. The same things every time, said in a very loving voice. It helps make the routine more routine, and signals the child that it's time to go to sleep. I'll have to try that, maybe it will help. Tank you so much for your advice and stuff!! i'll look into the website too! Celeste -- Cathy |
#7
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Help, advice, Please?
"C. Gregory" ) writes:
Many mothers find that breastfeeding is a relatively easy way to get toddlers to sleep. Breastfeeding worked really great, but we just recently weaned, so its not an option. i love nursing him, but he was getting to the point where i couldnt sit down without him running up to me going "Nurse, nurse, nurse!!!!" and pretty much pulling my shirt off. i actually miss it sometimes though. they were some really nice relaxing times 9when he settled down,lol). maybe i could teach him that nurse is for nite nite only? has anyone else done this, and did it work? i dont mind nursing him, i just dont like him getting all grabby and demanding about it, know what i mean? Well, I was going to apologize for even mentioning breastfeeding, because if you weren't breastfeeding it wasn't going to do much good to mention it. But just possibly it was a good time to bring it up after all. If you've just weaned, it may be possible for you to re-start if you want. You may or may not want to. It's up to you. Certainly there are lots of people who nurse older children only at the beginnings of naps and at bedtime. (Or at least, only at those times as the usual routine. Probably most would also nurse if a child was badly hurt or sick.) Whether it would be easy to get into that routine or not, I don't know. If your main goal is to avoid him being grabby and demanding about breastfeeding, then the best course would be to stay weaned. But it may be possible to have the best of both worlds: the breastfeeding to make the beginnings of naps easy, without the grabbiness. If you decide to go that route, what I would suggest is to decide what you'll do if he's ever grabby, and calmly do exactly the same thing every time. For example, you might say "I'm sorry, breastfeeding is for naptime only." If you use the same words every time he'll get bored of hearing it and give up asking sooner. You could use the same response whether he asks nicely or acts grabby: no matter what, the same answer. He would try a number of times and eventually give up. You might have some routine action to go with the words: hugging him, or standing up and walking away, or getting him a glass of water. The more you do the same thing every time he asks, the faster he'll get the message that you're not going to give in so why bother asking. I don't know how many times he would try, though. Kids can be very, very persistent about breastfeeding. I think you said he was three years old? I think it ought to work fairly well at that age. Their urge to breastfeed isn't as strong as with younger ones, and they've already been exposed to some rules and routines. Since you've already weaned, maybe it wouldn't be that hard to get him to take a compromise (nursing only at certain times). -- Cathy |
#8
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Help, advice, Please?
I had said:
http://borntoexplore.org/discipline.htm While this is written for parents of kids with ADD, the ideas apply to all kids IMO. See especially the part of that page that begins "I had just read about Kiersey's ...". (Most of the way down the page, the second yellow section after the blue heading "Method # 2: Abuse it -- Lose it", not the heading near the top, "2. Abuse it -- Lose it".) This talks about how Teresa Gallagher (the author of the web page) got her son to take naps in day care with a system where he would lose the privilege of using his cot if he got up. I would just like to point out that everything I say is just a suggestion. It's up to you to judge whether it would fit well with your own personality and values, your son's personality, your daily routine etc. I suggested the above because I thought there was a chance it would be useful to you. On the other hand, I also thought it might not. The main point behind the system she describes is to stick with a plan. The parent decides "if the child does this, I will do that." and then follows through no matter what. Well, OK, after a period of time you might re-evaluate, but not by giving in at a moment when the child is whining or crying or looking angelic or something to try to get you to change your mind. It's good to have plans like that and have the confidence to stick to them, if your goal is to get your child to comply with rules. It doesn't have to be exactly what Teresa did. A related thing that Teresa taught me is the idea of acting as if you don't care what the child does. (Note: this is only for the purpose of getting the child to follow rules. In other contexts of course you will show that you love and care.) If the child follows the rules, you stay at the playground; if the child breaks the rules, you leave, but acting as if you don't care which happens. That works if the child is misbehaving to get your attention or to bother or punish you or to get a reaction out of you. I think it works for most young children. I think it would be a good technique for you to use if you aren't already. On the other hand, if you have a great relationship such that the child cares about you in a positive way even when the child is angry and misbehaving, then it may work better to honestly tell the child that his behaviour bothers you. Well, maybe wait until he's not angry and then tell him. Sometimes this works, and the child changes what he does because he wants to be nice to you. -- Cathy |
#9
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Help, advice, Please?
"C. Gregory" ) writes:
tired is not the issue, if he doesnt get his nap he turns into a holy terror by 4 pm . well, not really a holy terror, but suddenly gets selective hearing and a serious case of the no!'s and other disruptive behavior, i can tell when he gets tired by his behavior, lol, its like a little gauge on his back. Yes, crankiness as naptime approaches and lots more crankiness if a nap is missed -- I've been there. However, if he were to get into a new routine of longer sleeps every night and no nap, then perhaps after a couple of days of settling into the routine, he might do better. Unfortunately I don't know how to predict this without trying it -- which might involve a lot of problems. It would be a leap of faith. I suppose he's at some stage of shifting from needing a nap to not needing a nap. I think a kid can be at a transition phase: too old to take naps, but not quite old enough to get along without the naps. Needing half a nap. It can be a difficult stage. Some parents get through this by waking them up after a short nap. I can think of two other possible advantages of waking him up from naps: he would know you were going to be right there when he wakes up, and he might actually find himself fighting you because he wants to stay asleep, which might get him thinking differently about the whole sleep thing! Maybe you could also use the waking-up time to get him used to being stroked on the forehead, hearing lullabies etc. while sleeping. I generally didn't like waking anybody up from naps and tended to just let them sleep. I found that if the nap happened a little earlier in the day it would tend to be much shorter, which allowed them to get to sleep at night more easily. i so know what you mean, if he misses his nap time it throws off his whole day, including bed time! i found that if he misses his nap its harder to get him to sleep at night Oh, dear, that's a difficult situation! I supposed that's what my mother called being "overtired". -- Cathy |
#10
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Help, advice, Please?
"C. Gregory" ) writes:
( is it just me or is a not quite 2 year old a little bit young to be doing the whole "go potty!!!" "want drink" "go potty" routine before bed? just curious!!) I'm not sure what you mean -- are you wondering whether other children that age do that? I think so. Or whether it's too early to encourage toilet training? I really don't know. There's a wide range of experience on that. Sorry I got the age wrong in my other posts. If a child (of any age) doesn't want to go to bed and wants your attention, and can get your attention by asking for drinks, they will tend to ask for drinks. (Over and over and over again.) Of course, sometimes they really are thirsty. Maybe he's afraid of peeing in the bed. Maybe he tends to pee just as he's falling asleep. Maybe he can't help it. I don't know. You can try to make it into a finite routine: a certain number (preferably one or two) of trips to the potty and of fetching drinks, the same number each time. It can all be part of the ritual you play over, exactly the same each time, so he knows exactly when it will be time to go to sleep. You can figure out what you'll do if he asks for a drink after the last drink has been fetched: a little laugh maybe, saying, "no, drink time is finished, now it's story time", or giving him a pretend drink while you also pretend to drink an imaginary drink, quickly read an imaginary story and then lean your head against your hands to indicate sleep, or whatever. Again, if you do the same thing every time, soon he'll learn that there's no use asking for a third drink. You can put two large glasses of water on a table near his bed, for him to help himself. Or even for you to hand to him. He may not be as keen on the water if it doesn't gain him much of a delay. I think my son was about that age when, for a while, I used to put snacks on plates for him at the bottom of the fridge, and encourage him to get up and get them during naptime. (Yes, I'm thinking of age 1 now.) -- Cathy |
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