Advice about summer work?

I'm just posting my thoughts, see what some other parents think about my
situation.

I'm the single father of my 19mo son. I'm currently finishing off a year of
study in University (have finals coming up at end of month), so I'm now off
student loans and need to settle into a working for the summer. (I'm
currently working at night right now on a 4-5 day renovation project that
will graciously cover income for this month - I'm sleeping while ds is in
daycare - it's burning me out - but I need to pay rent come May somehow).

I've worked for my father on and off for as long as I can remember.. ..and
quite honestly, he drives me insane as he has a very irresponsible work
ethic. I just can't see myself working for him anymore.. ..at least not
regularly. He has a plethora of personal problems and a constant soap-opera
drama going on in his life 24-7, with multiple partners, etc, etc. I don't
want to be *dealing* with his bs every day, as it seriously burdens me, and
degrades my outlook on life.. ..and I prefer that his influence/interaction
with my son to be minimal.

Another thing, I've been in a relationship with a woman I'm deeply in love
with for going on 6 months now - we'd been fond friends for 5 years prior to
going out, and things have been wonderful between us since we've decided to
"make things official". Before ds' mother tried to take flight with him
(see past posts), gf and I had planned to go away for 3 months in the summer
to go treeplanting - as it is excellent money (can make $300/day), and
mother was willing to take on ds as long as I was providing money for ds
daycare/supplies.

Well, the situation has changed, and now that ds' mother is no longer in the
picture, (nor could I want/trust to leave ds with her alone if she was), I'm
left with the option of grandma (ds' mother's mother). Grandma is more than
willing to take on ds, as she is just now beginning to develop a bond with
him (she's been taking him some weekends). Grandma has full custody of ds'
half-brother, so they would get to be together every day for awhile, while I
worked for the 3 months. They (ds and bro) grew up together from ds
birth-14mo.. ..and it has only been since Feb that they've lived in seperate
homes (they are in daycare together btw).

I just don't know what would be best right now? From a wholistic,
net-utility kind of stand-point.

Pros:
1. The money I'll make will go toward bettering my future with ds. I need
to start paying student loans back, and am focussing on getting a vehicle,
and possibly moving in with gf. (we've talked about it).. ..ds is always
in need of more clothes/toys, etc. as he grows, and I'm really struggling to
keep up with everything as it is.
2. Grandma is great with ds, and ds loves grandma. Being with grandma =
being with half-brother. (fyi, Grandma won't allow her daughter [ds'
mother] access without my consent/presence - grandma knows her daughter is
not well).
3. Girlfriend is already committed to going. She's been very supportive,
and it will be immensely hard on me to be apart from her. And I just don't
want us to end up drifting apart. She really wants me to come too. Our
relationship is important to ds' future as well.

Cons:
1. Bond between ds and I will be threatened. Possibly resulting in
problems down the road. I know that many of you will respond to this
factor.. ..so I won't say much more.
2. Mother may show up while I'm out of town (she is currently 2 provinces
away), and orchestrate some kind of nightmare scene, (this is something that
could happen while i'm here anyway.. ..but it is the psychological stress of
not-knowing/not-being-in-control, that is my concern).
3. Working alongside gf may weaken our relationship. (though I doubt this
one - she is the cook for the camp, while I'll be a planter, so we'd only
see each other at breakfast, supper, and at the end of the day)

Anyway.. ..I apologize for the length of this post.. ..I'm just really
twisted up inside over what to do. I'm in love with both ds and gf. I
would lament leaving ds.. ..but also feel that a break from the constant
juggling/gasping for air (always one step behind bills/rent etc.) would be a
smart move for the future. As well as nurturing the relationship with gf.

Any thoughts?

"electroscopillan" wrote in message
Pros:
1. The money I'll make will go toward bettering my future with ds. I
need
to start paying student loans back, and am focussing on getting a vehicle,
and possibly moving in with gf. (we've talked about it).. ..ds is always
in need of more clothes/toys, etc. as he grows, and I'm really struggling
to
keep up with everything as it is.
2. Grandma is great with ds, and ds loves grandma. Being with grandma =
being with half-brother. (fyi, Grandma won't allow her daughter [ds'
mother] access without my consent/presence - grandma knows her daughter is
not well).
3. Girlfriend is already committed to going. She's been very supportive,
and it will be immensely hard on me to be apart from her. And I just
don't
want us to end up drifting apart. She really wants me to come too. Our
relationship is important to ds' future as well.

Cons:
1. Bond between ds and I will be threatened. Possibly resulting in
problems down the road. I know that many of you will respond to this
factor.. ..so I won't say much more.
2. Mother may show up while I'm out of town (she is currently 2 provinces
away), and orchestrate some kind of nightmare scene, (this is something
that
could happen while i'm here anyway.. ..but it is the psychological stress
of
not-knowing/not-being-in-control, that is my concern).
3. Working alongside gf may weaken our relationship. (though I doubt
this
one - she is the cook for the camp, while I'll be a planter, so we'd only
see each other at breakfast, supper, and at the end of the day)

Anyway.. ..I apologize for the length of this post.. ..I'm just really
twisted up inside over what to do. I'm in love with both ds and gf. I
would lament leaving ds.. ..but also feel that a break from the constant
juggling/gasping for air (always one step behind bills/rent etc.) would be
a
smart move for the future. As well as nurturing the relationship with gf.

Any thoughts?

If the love between you and the girlfriend is really true, it will withstand
being apart. OTOH, you need to be there for your son. He has already been
abandoned by his mother. I wouldn't want to be away from my children for
three months. As it was, I had to be away for two months due to our other
daughter's illness and was in the hospital with her. It was tremendously
straining for my other children. I don't think my youngest has ever
recovered from me being gone so long. To her, it looked like I just upped
and left (she was too young to understand what was really going on). Even
though the other kids could come to the hospital and see me and their
sister, little ones just don't understand the reasoning behind parents being
gone, especially as long as you would be gone and as long as I was gone. The
relationship between my youngest and I has never been the same. So, I would
find another job so that you can be the caretaker (even if it means he goes
to grandma's during the day) and if the GF decides to go, then it will be a
true test if the relationship is a keeper. Your son's relationship is more
important, imo. Good luck.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

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electroscopillan wrote:
snip
|
| I just don't know what would be best right now? From a wholistic,
| net-utility kind of stand-point.
|
| Pros:
| 1. The money I'll make will go toward bettering my future with ds. I
need
| to start paying student loans back, and am focussing on getting a vehicle,
| and possibly moving in with gf. (we've talked about it).. ..ds is always
| in need of more clothes/toys, etc. as he grows, and I'm really
struggling to
| keep up with everything as it is.
| 2. Grandma is great with ds, and ds loves grandma. Being with grandma =
| being with half-brother. (fyi, Grandma won't allow her daughter [ds'
| mother] access without my consent/presence - grandma knows her daughter is
| not well).
| 3. Girlfriend is already committed to going. She's been very supportive,
| and it will be immensely hard on me to be apart from her. And I just
don't
| want us to end up drifting apart. She really wants me to come too. Our
| relationship is important to ds' future as well.
|
| Cons:
| 1. Bond between ds and I will be threatened. Possibly resulting in
| problems down the road. I know that many of you will respond to this
| factor.. ..so I won't say much more.
| 2. Mother may show up while I'm out of town (she is currently 2 provinces
| away), and orchestrate some kind of nightmare scene, (this is
something that
| could happen while i'm here anyway.. ..but it is the psychological
stress of
| not-knowing/not-being-in-control, that is my concern).
| 3. Working alongside gf may weaken our relationship. (though I doubt
this
| one - she is the cook for the camp, while I'll be a planter, so we'd only
| see each other at breakfast, supper, and at the end of the day)
|
| Anyway.. ..I apologize for the length of this post.. ..I'm just really
| twisted up inside over what to do. I'm in love with both ds and gf. I
| would lament leaving ds.. ..but also feel that a break from the constant
| juggling/gasping for air (always one step behind bills/rent etc.)
would be a
| smart move for the future. As well as nurturing the relationship with gf.
|
| Any thoughts?
|
|

IMHO, what it comes down to is how much you trust the grandma, and what
is best for you financially.

As a military wife, I am very experienced with family seperations.
Since becoming engaged to my husband, we've never spent more than 5 1/2
months together without at least a 1-month break (there were too many
shorter breaks to count). If you and your gf are good for one another,
and have good relationship skills, you'll weather the seperation just fine.

Your relationship with your son could probably survive a seperation,
too, if you and the grandma handle it well. My husband deployed shortly
after our son's birth. I had to leave hiim (our son) with my parents
for about two months when hubby was medevaced to the US and in need of
my care and support. Hubby got to come see our son for a couple of days
while he was on recovery, before his return to Iraq.

The daddy-son bond took some work, but after a few months it reknit just
fine. My son and I never had any distance in our relationship at all.

Either way, it takes work to maintain the relationships in question.
It's up to you if the financial gain is worth being away from your son.

Susan
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illecebra wrote:

Your relationship with your son could probably survive a seperation,
too, if you and the grandma handle it well. My husband deployed
shortly
after our son's birth. I had to leave hiim (our son) with my parents
for about two months when hubby was medevaced to the US and in need
of
my care and support. Hubby got to come see our son for a couple of
days
while he was on recovery, before his return to Iraq.


I dunno, I think this is an entirely different situation. In your
situation, your children have had you as the one constant while dad
comes and go, no? Whereas the OP's son hasn't had a constant in his
life - mom was there, now she's not. Dad is there, then dad is not.

Your son had just been born, right? An infant, IMO, could weather such
a situation more easily than a 19 month old. That is a vulnerable,
needy stage.

It might be okay if grandma has been the daycare provider since birth.
Then that would make her the one single constant in his life.

jen

"Sue" wrote in message

If the love between you and the girlfriend is really true, it will
withstand
being apart.

I know this to be true.. ..and I'm quite confident that we will remain
together. I guess I'm feeling emotionally overwhelmed by the prospect of
being alone at this point, and for 3 months. The days are so much easier to
handle together - we seem to compliment each others weaknesses so well. I
suffer from (chronic) depression.. ..and I always have to
prepare/weigh/consider big emotional changes like this one possibly on the
horizon - not that I want to feed any possibly unhealthy obsessive
behaviour. I know it's probably best to roll with the punches.. ..I just
feel like it would crush me to lose her at this point.

OTOH, you need to be there for your son. He has already been
abandoned by his mother. snip I don't think my youngest has ever
recovered from me being gone so long.

This is the biggest issue. I really don't want him to feel abandoned - or
to lose the bond. I know that after the 2 weeks that ds' mother had
vanished with him, seeing him again was strange. He didn't recognize me or
feel comfortable with me attempting to hold him for about 5 minutes. But
after that he remembered my voice and my touch and was the happiest boy. I
do love him immensely, and want what is best overall for him, (not just
myself). I do trust his grandmother. Her and her husband are very fond of
my son, and of having the 2 brothers together, (older brother is 5, and very
high-needs - basically ADHD. My son, who is very mellow and even-tempered,
tends to have a calming/anchoring effect on his brother - tho the reverse is
sometimes unfortunately true =) ). BTW, grandparents are fairly young - in
their late 30's early 40's - they're very in sync with everything that's
going on in ds' life. Grandma and I went through the court process together
and are in close communication about any emails from her daughter. Grandma
is very protective of her grandsons, and it would only take a call to the
police to have mom removed if she showed up, and decided to make a scene.

So, I would
find another job so that you can be the caretaker (even if it means he
goes
to grandma's during the day) and if the GF decides to go, then it will be
a
true test if the relationship is a keeper. Your son's relationship is more
important, imo. Good luck.

I have looked for other jobs, and there's nothing else available (in the
city) that will allow me to actually get ahead of the cash-flow beast and
out of debt. I generally work for $15/hour for my dad as a
handi-man/contractor.. ..whom I don't want to work for anymore. I don't
have my own vehicle (yet) or a huge cache of tools (yet), so I can't really
work for myself, and am severely limited by who I could work for. Taking a
minimum wage job ($6/hr - like a retail/service job) isn't really a
viable/rational option for me at this point, as it would be a huge stepping
down, when I need to be making *more* money.

I'm still unsure what to do tho.

Son hasn't even been seeing a lot of me as it is anyway. I don't worry that
he'll be traumatized by my being away, per se, just that our bond may
suffer. He's *very* affectionate, and appears to be more emotionally mature
than anything else, (expresses all ranges of emotions appropriately and
without obsessing - except perhaps on being smiley and giggly most of the
time). He's very socialable - always saying "hi" and smiling at people on
the bus (esp. young women and girls =).. ..so I don't worry about him in
that regard.

Thanks for the response tho.. ..I do realize that I have to put ds over gf.
I'm just trying to figure out where that line is. ?

"electroscopillan" wrote:

I'm just posting my thoughts, see what some other parents think about my
situation.


Cons:
1. Bond between ds and I will be threatened. Possibly resulting in
problems down the road. I know that many of you will respond to this
factor.. ..so I won't say much more.

I went on several trips away from my children while my mom babysat.
It didn't have any lasting effect on our bond. Also my dh was in the
Navy and frequently was away for varying periods of time - think of
all the military parents there are. IOW I think you are worrying too
much about this. It will be harder on you than on him.

2. Mother may show up while I'm out of town (she is currently 2 provinces
away), and orchestrate some kind of nightmare scene, (this is something that
could happen while i'm here anyway.. ..but it is the psychological stress of
not-knowing/not-being-in-control, that is my concern).

If you are sure that the mom won't get around her mom and get allowed
access or be able to kidnap your son, or that the courts won't
reassign custody to her since you aren't there, then I'd go ahead and
go. I think that's the most important thing to worry about.
grandma Rosalie

electroscopillan wrote:

Pros:

3. Girlfriend is already committed to going. She's been very
supportive,
and it will be immensely hard on me to be apart from her.

It's *only* three months - a drop in the bucket of a lifelong
relationship, if this is destined to be a lifelong relationship.

And I just don't
want us to end up drifting apart.

If you think three months will cause you to drift apart, then the
relationship wasn't worth it to begin with.

She really wants me to come too.

She is an adult - three months is nothing to her (and should be nothing
to you, too). OTOH, DS is only 19 months. Three months is an eternity
at that age. So much can happen in three months!


Our
relationship is important to ds' future as well.

Agreed. I'm not trying to be harsh; I do get this.

Cons:
1. Bond between ds and I will be threatened. Possibly resulting in
problems down the road. I know that many of you will respond to this
factor.. ..so I won't say much more.

I don't know if it's so much that the bond will be threatened, as that
you are leaving at a vulnerable age. Your son is getting close to
hitting the "terrible two's" and this stage is critical, IMO. Also, a
19 month old is going to experience separation anxiety way more than an
older or younger child. It's just really bad timing for this age.

Additionally, this child already lost his mother. He needs a sense of
constancy and stability right now. His needs, IMO, are far, far greater
right at the moment than yours or your gf.

2. Mother may show up while I'm out of town (she is currently 2
provinces
away), and orchestrate some kind of nightmare scene, (this is
something that
could happen while i'm here anyway.. ..but it is the psychological
stress of
not-knowing/not-being-in-control, that is my concern).

I didn't read your previous posts, but consider that she could possibly
use this against you in court, making a claim that you abandoned your
son to her mother.


3. Working alongside gf may weaken our relationship. (though I
doubt this
one - she is the cook for the camp, while I'll be a planter, so we'd
only
see each other at breakfast, supper, and at the end of the day)

If it weakens your relationship, then it wasn't meant to be. I sense
too much doubt here on your part. Regardless of how long you've known
her, it sounds like this is still very much a question mark of a
relationship. It's not worth your son having to do all the sacrifices,
if you want my opinion. It might be different if you and she were
already married, but you're not.



Anyway.. ..I apologize for the length of this post.. ..I'm just
really
twisted up inside over what to do. I'm in love with both ds and gf.
I
would lament leaving ds.. ..but also feel that a break from the
constant
juggling/gasping for air (always one step behind bills/rent etc.)
would be a
smart move for the future. As well as nurturing the relationship
with gf.

Any thoughts?


Any possibility you can bring DS with you? That might be the ticket.
Otherwise, my advice is to stay where you are, work, and if your
relationship is meant to be, it'll survive the three months just fine.

One final thought: imagine how sad, depressed, lonely and pining you
will have if you and your gf are apart for three months. Imagine how
anxious you will be wondering what she's doing, who she's meeting,
whether she still loves you, whether she will ever come back to you.
Totally sucks, doesn't it?

Now, imagine you deliberately putting your DS through those exact same
emotions. Because that's what you'd be doing.

jen

In article ,
"electroscopillan" wrote:

Thanks for the response tho.. ..I do realize that I have to put ds over gf.
I'm just trying to figure out where that line is. ?

I might feel differently if it weren't for the fact that you would be
leaving DS with someone with whom he is already well bonded -- sort of
like leaving him with the other parent, as often happens in military
families and other situations.

However, I'd say go for the high paying 3 month job.

Leaving a child this age with a responsible adult with whom he is well
bonded, and coming home with a wad of cash and the ability to be
financially independent and offer him a better home, seems (from here)
to not be a huge problem. You'll have to work at staying in touch and
at reconnecting when you get back, and you will miss him terribly, but
it is do-able.

There IS benefit to giving a child a financially stable home, vs. one in
which you are constantly in debt and fighting to keep yourself above
water. Since you are in school, I assume you have the potential for a
better job somewhere on the horizon, so finding a good way to get more
money now doesn't seem like a bad idea to me.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

electroscopillan wrote:
I'm just posting my thoughts, see what some other parents think about
my situation.

If I were in your situation I would probably choose to stay with my son and
find a way to make that work.

I don't think it would be the end of the earth if you chose differently
however. It sound as if grandma is a good person to leave him with and she
has an established relationship with him already. It might be harder for
him to leave her in the fall and come back to live with you then it would be
him for you to leave him now. Mostly because of his age and that she will
likely be spending more of her day with him then you do. Even 3 months can
make a difference and a 23mo will have a hard time with that amount of
change.

I've seen this happen with two fairly close people in my life so I caution
you to be certain that the mother doesn't make a play for custody because
she could use an absence like this against you. I also caution you to make
sure the grandmother would not make a play for custody because she could
also use this absence against you and she's had him so she'll have something
working for her. The two people I know of had the grandparents make the
play for custody and one of them got it.

It is mighty hard to give kids back once you love them and raise them for
any significant amount of time.

When deciding what to do, I would really try to completely not think about
the gf relationship. That shouldn't be part of the decision...it should be
about what is best for your son.

--
Nikki

electroscopillan wrote:


Anyway.. ..I apologize for the length of this post.. ..I'm just really
twisted up inside over what to do. I'm in love with both ds and gf.
I would lament leaving ds.. ..but also feel that a break from the
constant juggling/gasping for air (always one step behind bills/rent
etc.) would be a smart move for the future. As well as nurturing the
relationship with gf.

Any thoughts?

Yep - don't do it. If you were able to come home on every weekend I'd say go
for it but it's too long for a child that's had so much upheaval in his
short life to go without his father. Plus, as others have said, you have a
difficult custody situation and it wouldn't help your case if his mother
could point out that you left your son with another family member to go off
on what could be perceived as a working *holiday* with your girlfriend..

Tai