Need some advice.

Hello,
This may be the wrong group to talk to this about, so please correct me
if I'm wrong.
I have a long story to tell, and need some advice please!
My boyfriend of 5 years and baby father used to go out with this girl
when he was 17 ( hes 26 now), and she got pregnant. She was 15 at the
time. The only thing is, she was sleeping with his best friend and him
and who knows who else at the same time. So this girl (lets call her
Sally) said the baby was my bf's ( we'll call him joe) best friends (
bob) child. So that was that and the baby ( call him willie) was his.
Well Sally started being really controlling and not letting Bob see
Willie for silly reasons and so on. So finally Bob got fed up and went
and got blood tests done. Well, turns out it wasnt his child after all.
So thats where Joe came in the picture. He took over the fatherly
rights, ( on his own, she didnt even call to say Willie could be his).
Everything was going great, we used to get Willie all of the time and
spoiled him and everything like that. Joe never paid child support or
anything, but he saw him pretty much every weekend and bought him lots
of stuff, things he needed ,ect. Plus, she never asked for any money.
So then, Sally started acting controlling and everything, and started
not letting us see Willie anymore. Joe would call and his family would
call, and she changed her number numerous times and moved, ect. She
would make up excuses or not answer the phone, or not get Willie to
return his fathers calls. So Joe decided he was going to get a lawyer
and try to get DNA tests done. As soon as she got the papers saying
he wanted these done, she retalliates with child support papers, and
paper saying that we are unfit and all this. She said that we were
heavy drug users, we used to drop Willie off at his grandparents while
we wetn and partied, I was teaching Willie to swear, we let him play
violent video games and we smoked around him...all of which in untrue.
I work with children everyday in the school systems and would never do
anything but be completely appropriate around her child or anyone
elses. So anyways, we paid this lawyer 1500 dollars in trust and the
process took very long. Joe's lawyer got sick w ith cancer and was
taking forever, and needed more oney because time had expired and
things of that sort. So we pretty much gave up. We have no more money
and just dont know how to deal with this.
Sally is going around telling people the Joe is a deadbeat and he never
tries to contact willie and doesnt want anything to do with him. If
she is in a restaurant and willies aunt or grandparents come in, she'll
drag him out of there crying. I think this is extremely destructive
behaviour and can only traumatize the poor child. He is 9 years old
now, and I can just imagine the things she must tell him.
Anyways, you're probubly wondering who it is my business and why I care
so much. Well, the reason is, is Joe and I have a son of our own now
who just turned 1. I saw Sally's mother and told her that we really
want to see willie and could she please get sally to call us...so i
got up the nerve and called sally the other night. I said " Hi this is
jo's girlfriend "amy". I just wanted to tell you that I feel really
bad about what is going on and I wanted to ask you if we could get
together and talk about some stuff because I really want my son and
Willie to get to know eachother. " She said I was crazy and that I had
lost my mind, and she had absolutely nothing to say to me. then she
hung up. So, I am at my wits end. My bf has given up, which i honestly
dont blame him because she is completely hostile towards us, and in my
opinion, completely unstable. I think he has a right to see his son, or
at least put to rest if it is his child. And i think my son has the
right to know his brother.
So if anyone does have any suggestions or feedback. please let me know.
Also, we live in canada if this makes a difference. thank you.
-new Mama

"newmama" wrote in

Also, we live in canada if this makes a difference.

The only difference might be the cost of the airline tickets for the
Springer show!

I am wondering why you would want to subject your son to the insanity.

On 7 Mar 2006 14:15:12 -0800, "newmama"
wrote:

Hello,
This may be the wrong group to talk to this about, so please correct me
if I'm wrong.
I have a long story to tell, and need some advice please!
My boyfriend of 5 years and baby father used to go out with this girl
when he was 17 ( hes 26 now), and she got pregnant. She was 15 at the
time. The only thing is, she was sleeping with his best friend and him
and who knows who else at the same time. So this girl (lets call her
Sally) said the baby was my bf's ( we'll call him joe) best friends (
bob) child. So that was that and the baby ( call him willie) was his.
Well Sally started being really controlling and not letting Bob see
Willie for silly reasons and so on. So finally Bob got fed up and went
and got blood tests done. Well, turns out it wasnt his child after all.
So thats where Joe came in the picture. He took over the fatherly
rights, ( on his own, she didnt even call to say Willie could be his).
Everything was going great, we used to get Willie all of the time and
spoiled him and everything like that. Joe never paid child support or
anything, but he saw him pretty much every weekend and bought him lots
of stuff, things he needed ,ect. Plus, she never asked for any money.
So then, Sally started acting controlling and everything, and started
not letting us see Willie anymore. Joe would call and his family would
call, and she changed her number numerous times and moved, ect. She
would make up excuses or not answer the phone, or not get Willie to
return his fathers calls. So Joe decided he was going to get a lawyer
and try to get DNA tests done. As soon as she got the papers saying
he wanted these done, she retalliates with child support papers, and
paper saying that we are unfit and all this. She said that we were
heavy drug users, we used to drop Willie off at his grandparents while
we wetn and partied, I was teaching Willie to swear, we let him play
violent video games and we smoked around him...all of which in untrue.
I work with children everyday in the school systems and would never do
anything but be completely appropriate around her child or anyone
elses. So anyways, we paid this lawyer 1500 dollars in trust and the
process took very long. Joe's lawyer got sick w ith cancer and was
taking forever, and needed more oney because time had expired and
things of that sort. So we pretty much gave up. We have no more money
and just dont know how to deal with this.
Sally is going around telling people the Joe is a deadbeat and he never
tries to contact willie and doesnt want anything to do with him. If
she is in a restaurant and willies aunt or grandparents come in, she'll
drag him out of there crying. I think this is extremely destructive
behaviour and can only traumatize the poor child. He is 9 years old
now, and I can just imagine the things she must tell him.
Anyways, you're probubly wondering who it is my business and why I care
so much. Well, the reason is, is Joe and I have a son of our own now
who just turned 1. I saw Sally's mother and told her that we really
want to see willie and could she please get sally to call us...so i
got up the nerve and called sally the other night. I said " Hi this is
jo's girlfriend "amy". I just wanted to tell you that I feel really
bad about what is going on and I wanted to ask you if we could get
together and talk about some stuff because I really want my son and
Willie to get to know eachother. " She said I was crazy and that I had
lost my mind, and she had absolutely nothing to say to me. then she
hung up. So, I am at my wits end. My bf has given up, which i honestly
dont blame him because she is completely hostile towards us, and in my
opinion, completely unstable. I think he has a right to see his son, or
at least put to rest if it is his child. And i think my son has the
right to know his brother.
So if anyone does have any suggestions or feedback. please let me know.
Also, we live in canada if this makes a difference. thank you.
-new Mama

Beverly

Well, its not like my son wold be involved with her....I think people
need to start thinking of the children and not of themselves
anymore...But your right, if she is going to be like this, we really
shouldnt bother with her. It's sad, for my bf's sons sake, but maybe
when he reaches a certain age, he will come and start to ask
questions...hopefully anyways....thanks...

Beverly wrote:
I am wondering why you would want to subject your son to the insanity.

On 7 Mar 2006 14:15:12 -0800, "newmama"
wrote:

Hello,
This may be the wrong group to talk to this about, so please correct me
if I'm wrong.
I have a long story to tell, and need some advice please!
My boyfriend of 5 years and baby father used to go out with this girl
when he was 17 ( hes 26 now), and she got pregnant. She was 15 at the
time. The only thing is, she was sleeping with his best friend and him
and who knows who else at the same time. So this girl (lets call her
Sally) said the baby was my bf's ( we'll call him joe) best friends (
bob) child. So that was that and the baby ( call him willie) was his.
Well Sally started being really controlling and not letting Bob see
Willie for silly reasons and so on. So finally Bob got fed up and went
and got blood tests done. Well, turns out it wasnt his child after all.
So thats where Joe came in the picture. He took over the fatherly
rights, ( on his own, she didnt even call to say Willie could be his).
Everything was going great, we used to get Willie all of the time and
spoiled him and everything like that. Joe never paid child support or
anything, but he saw him pretty much every weekend and bought him lots
of stuff, things he needed ,ect. Plus, she never asked for any money.
So then, Sally started acting controlling and everything, and started
not letting us see Willie anymore. Joe would call and his family would
call, and she changed her number numerous times and moved, ect. She
would make up excuses or not answer the phone, or not get Willie to
return his fathers calls. So Joe decided he was going to get a lawyer
and try to get DNA tests done. As soon as she got the papers saying
he wanted these done, she retalliates with child support papers, and
paper saying that we are unfit and all this. She said that we were
heavy drug users, we used to drop Willie off at his grandparents while
we wetn and partied, I was teaching Willie to swear, we let him play
violent video games and we smoked around him...all of which in untrue.
I work with children everyday in the school systems and would never do
anything but be completely appropriate around her child or anyone
elses. So anyways, we paid this lawyer 1500 dollars in trust and the
process took very long. Joe's lawyer got sick w ith cancer and was
taking forever, and needed more oney because time had expired and
things of that sort. So we pretty much gave up. We have no more money
and just dont know how to deal with this.
Sally is going around telling people the Joe is a deadbeat and he never
tries to contact willie and doesnt want anything to do with him. If
she is in a restaurant and willies aunt or grandparents come in, she'll
drag him out of there crying. I think this is extremely destructive
behaviour and can only traumatize the poor child. He is 9 years old
now, and I can just imagine the things she must tell him.
Anyways, you're probubly wondering who it is my business and why I care
so much. Well, the reason is, is Joe and I have a son of our own now
who just turned 1. I saw Sally's mother and told her that we really
want to see willie and could she please get sally to call us...so i
got up the nerve and called sally the other night. I said " Hi this is
jo's girlfriend "amy". I just wanted to tell you that I feel really
bad about what is going on and I wanted to ask you if we could get
together and talk about some stuff because I really want my son and
Willie to get to know eachother. " She said I was crazy and that I had
lost my mind, and she had absolutely nothing to say to me. then she
hung up. So, I am at my wits end. My bf has given up, which i honestly
dont blame him because she is completely hostile towards us, and in my
opinion, completely unstable. I think he has a right to see his son, or
at least put to rest if it is his child. And i think my son has the
right to know his brother.
So if anyone does have any suggestions or feedback. please let me know.
Also, we live in canada if this makes a difference. thank you.
-new Mama

Beverly

Maybe's it's not your bf's son to begin with. You don't mention what
happened with the child support. Was he forced to pay or not? She can't
just knock on someone's door and say "your my baby daddy. Give me CS."
Whose name is on the birth certificate?

If he's not paying her support and she's not bothering him, then lay
off her already. I'm not sure I would take it too well if an
ex-boyfriend's gf called me and started telling me what I needed to do
with my kid.

His nam eis not on the birth certificate. Its his first dad's. and he
never paid child support because she always got in these little moods
and wouldnt let him see him. The only time she ever asked for child
support was when my bf's lawyer gave her papers saying he wanted dna
tests done.
He would pay support if he could have regular visits and all that
stuff. But she doesnt want that. She wants to have it her way or the
highway. If she gets mad at him, she can just move or change her # like
she always does. Thats why he needs to get DNA tests done, but honestly
we just dont have that much money. We've already lost over 1500 dollars
in this whole mess and it got us no where.

"I'm not sure I would take it too well if an
ex-boyfriend's gf called me and started telling me what I needed to do
with my kid. "

And i think it was very ok with me to do this, as no oneelse seems to
have the balls to do it. I was trying to tell her what to do, I was
making a suggestion that maybe we could get together and talk about
whats been going on. Whats so wrong with that? If she wants to go
around telling people that my bf is a deadbeat and doesnt ever try to
call his son or contact him, I dont think thats fair. He had tried for
years before this, and she made it nearly impossible. Now he doesnt
even want to talk to her, and I see why.
So anyways, thanks for the advice, appreciate it all.

On 9 Mar 2006 14:56:43 -0800, "newmama"
wrote:

His nam eis not on the birth certificate. Its his first dad's.

1st dad's? Is there a legal father in this picture already?
Beverly

No No,
The dad that found out he wasnt his when Willie was 3.

newmama wrote:
No No,
The dad that found out he wasnt his when Willie was 3.

So was this guy's name removed from the birth certificate? I have to
wonder why you would want to involve yourself and your child in this
mess. You don't know if your husband is the father. If she wasn't
bothering him before, why did he serve her with papers for DNA testing?
I would've left well enough alone.

Who cares if she's running around talking about your husband being a
deadbeat? That doesn't give you the right to call her and force your
opinion or wants on her.

You know, the more I think about it, the more it sounds like your bf
and this child have no blood between them at all.

1. You say your bf and his best friend were the partners of whom you
knew... and you are quite right that there may have been more.

2. It makes no sense that she did not ask for child support from "the
only other partner" once she was certain it wasn't the first... well,
except DNA had kicked her butt once and your bf was more than willing
to be the second patsy. DNA from your bf, if he was the real father,
would just "enhance" his giving from her perspective.

3. Using child support as a threat is the clincher. If DNA reveals
he is the bio father, then child support is a promise. The only
reason someone would use it as a threat is if they couldn't guarantee
it was a promise. No words would have needed to be said concerning it
if he was, indeed, the father.

Think about it... her reaction is simply not logical if he were truly
the bio-father.

On 9 Mar 2006 14:56:43 -0800, "newmama"
wrote:

His nam eis not on the birth certificate. Its his first dad's. and he
never paid child support because she always got in these little moods
and wouldnt let him see him. The only time she ever asked for child
support was when my bf's lawyer gave her papers saying he wanted dna
tests done.
He would pay support if he could have regular visits and all that
stuff. But she doesnt want that. She wants to have it her way or the
highway. If she gets mad at him, she can just move or change her # like
she always does. Thats why he needs to get DNA tests done, but honestly
we just dont have that much money. We've already lost over 1500 dollars
in this whole mess and it got us no where.

"I'm not sure I would take it too well if an
ex-boyfriend's gf called me and started telling me what I needed to do
with my kid. "

And i think it was very ok with me to do this, as no oneelse seems to
have the balls to do it. I was trying to tell her what to do, I was
making a suggestion that maybe we could get together and talk about
whats been going on. Whats so wrong with that? If she wants to go
around telling people that my bf is a deadbeat and doesnt ever try to
call his son or contact him, I dont think thats fair. He had tried for
years before this, and she made it nearly impossible. Now he doesnt
even want to talk to her, and I see why.
So anyways, thanks for the advice, appreciate it all.

Beverly