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#1
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Help. Need some advice...Please.
I am having some trouble with my wife. We have two boys, one is
2 months old and the other is 19 months. I work and my wife stays at home. Lately my older son has been whinning and crying. He does this with her, but not as much with me. It's driving my wife nuts and now she wants to sent him to day care part time. She wants to enroll him in a pre school from 9am to 3pm, 5 days a week. It costs about $500 a month. She says it will be good for him because he is bore at home and it will teach him how to behave. My opinion is that my wife needs to teach or discipline him so that she can manage the day taking care of the baby and him without all the whinning and tantrums. I really don't want a day care worker to teach my son how to behave, I think it's the parent's job. I would like to wait until he is 3 years old and potty train before sending him to a pre school program and only for 1 1/2 hours twice a week. At 4 to 5 years, to pre school for 2 1/2 hours three times a week. My wife argues that it's in my sons best interest to send him to day care. I don't agree and think that her reason is because she's having a real tough time taking care of an infant (waking up in the middle of the night) and a 19 month old all by herself. It's alot of work for her and she's not getting enough sleep. But she insists that's not her motivation for wanting daycare. Thinking that her real reason is the tough work taking care of the kids, I have been trying to help her by taking care of both the kids when I get off from work, usually around 5:30pm until they go to sleep at 9-10pm. I also feed the baby in the morning before I go to work around 6 am. In addition we buy take out food everyday so she doesn't have to cook, and I do all the chores, ie vacuuming, dishes (when I'm home), mowing the lawn, and bathrooms. She basically takes care of the kids when I'm doing the chores and am at work and she does the dishes while I'm away and the laundry for everbody. She also wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the 2 month old. Anyway, this hasn't stop her from pushing daycare. Is it really such a good idea to send a 19 month old to daycare monday thru friday from 9am to 3pm? If it's really in the best interest of the kid, I don't mind spending $500 a month, but then what happens when the 2 month old gets to that age. Then it'll be $1000 a month. With just my income and me not wanting to work more than 40 hours, it would be very tough financially. What do you guys think? Any advice or suggestion? Thanks. |
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wrote in message
ups.com... I am having some trouble with my wife. We have two boys, one is 2 months old and the other is 19 months. I work and my wife stays at home. Lately my older son has been whinning and crying. He does this with her, but not as much with me. It's driving my wife nuts and now she wants to sent him to day care part time. She wants to enroll him in a pre school from 9am to 3pm, 5 days a week. It costs about $500 a month. She says it will be good for him because he is bore at home and it will teach him how to behave. My opinion is that my wife needs to teach or discipline him so that she can manage the day taking care of the baby and him without all the whinning and tantrums. I really don't want a day care worker to teach my son how to behave, I think it's the parent's job. When my second child was born, I was way overwhelmed. He was actually a very good and easy-going baby, but my daughter, 2y9m old, was *very* clingy and whiny and in need of massive amounts of attention. It got bad enough that I went to a few "under 5s" counseling sessions. I can't say that they helped much except to convince me that jealousy really was the underlying cause of her behavior problems. I hadn't thought so since she wasn't acting out against the baby. How bad did it get? Well, she took to peeing on her floor if she was mad at me. And once or twice she completely trashed her room. I was really at my wits end. I'm telling you this because it's easy to think "hundreds of millions of people all over the world have more than one kid and have no problems with it, why can't I (or she) deal with it?" So, I want you to know that it isn't just your wife, or her lack of discipline or whatever. Bringing home a new baby can cause *major* problems for the older child, and of course, for their care giver(s). Also, you mention that he's whinier with your wife than with you. That too is very common. Children are very often at their worst with their primary caregiver. Not necessarily because she is too lax with him, but simply because he is most comfortable with her. He trusts her enough to fall apart in front of her. Strange, but true. I would like to wait until he is 3 years old and potty train before sending him to a pre school program and only for 1 1/2 hours twice a week. At 4 to 5 years, to pre school for 2 1/2 hours three times a week. This paragraph struck me as very controlling. It's one thing to say, "Wait until he's potty trained." It's another to try to dictate years in advance how often and for how long he'll go. My wife argues that it's in my sons best interest to send him to day care. I don't agree and think that her reason is because she's having a real tough time taking care of an infant (waking up in the middle of the night) and a 19 month old all by herself. It's alot of work for her and she's not getting enough sleep. But she insists that's not her motivation for wanting daycare. Thinking that her real reason is the tough work taking care of the kids, I have been trying to help her by taking care of both the kids when I get off from work, usually around 5:30pm until they go to sleep at 9-10pm. I also feed the baby in the morning before I go to work around 6 am. In addition we buy take out food everyday so she doesn't have to cook, and I do all the chores, ie vacuuming, dishes (when I'm home), mowing the lawn, and bathrooms. She basically takes care of the kids when I'm doing the chores and am at work and she does the dishes while I'm away and the laundry for everbody. She also wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the 2 month old. Anyway, this hasn't stop her from pushing daycare. It's great that you are helping out. You said the baby is only 2 months old. As the weeks go on, he'll get on a better schedule, and she'll get her routines down better, and be able to assume more of the load again. Remember that in addition to caring for the two all day and interrupting her sleep schedule at night, she's also been recovering her health and strength after the pregnancy and birth of a child. She *is* pretty exhausted right now, and it's completely understandable. Is it really such a good idea to send a 19 month old to daycare monday thru friday from 9am to 3pm? If it's really in the best interest of the kid, I don't mind spending $500 a month, but then what happens when the 2 month old gets to that age. Then it'll be $1000 a month. With just my income and me not wanting to work more than 40 hours, it would be very tough financially. I don't think there is any reason to send a child this age to daycare. Perhaps instead of just nixing the idea outright, you can find alternatives. One idea might be to have a mother's helper come a couple of times a week. She could perhaps watch the baby while your wife had quality time with your older son, which might help offset some of his jealousy and whining. Or maybe you can find a playgroup. Or can sign your older son up for a toddler gym class or something. Encourage your wife to get together with other mothers as much as possible. Just getting out of the house will be a big relief for her. What do you guys think? Any advice or suggestion? Understand that things will get better soon. Understand that your son's whining and tantrums aren't so much a discipline problem as an expression of anxiety. His world has been turned upside down. He needs to be given as much love and attention as possible. Understand that your wife's world has been turned upside down as well. Make sure she knows that you love her and support her, and think she's a *wonderful* mother. Good luck. Bizby Thanks. |
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I'll just respond to a couple things.. ..give you my experience and opinion.
I'm a single dad of a 19mo ds too, fyi.. wrote in message ups.com... My opinion is that my wife needs to teach or discipline him so that she can manage the day taking care of the baby and him without all the whinning and tantrums. I really don't want a day care worker to teach my son how to behave, I think it's the parent's job. I tend to agree with your opinion here, it really is the parents job, to ensure consistency, and maintain a strong bond - which daycare could potentially weaken, (though my situation is much different, and forces me getting daycare right now). But then you say... My wife argues that it's in my sons best interest to send him to day care. I don't agree and think that her reason is because she's having a real tough time taking care of an infant (waking up in the middle of the night) and a 19 month old all by herself. It's alot of work for her and she's not getting enough sleep. But she insists that's not her motivation for wanting daycare. You're probably correct, she's probably overwhelmed and possibly may be too proud, or in denial about it. However.. ..if she says "it's in his best interest", then maybe this is code for "I cannot handle all of this stress (with whining/tantrums + baby) anymore, and feel like I'm in a losing battle". And thus, maybe it really is in his best interest? Or, quite alternately, maybe your wife needs to explain her reasoning to you, about exactly *why* it is in his best interest to be in daycare. Maybe she thinks that socializing him with other kids is a more important aspect to his developement? I mean, there is a degree of balance involved here. Thinking that her real reason is the tough work taking care of the kids, I have been trying to help her by taking care of both the kids when I get off from work, usually around 5:30pm until they go to sleep at 9-10pm. I also feed the baby in the morning before I go to work around 6 am. In addition we buy take out food everyday so she doesn't have to cook, and I do all the chores, ie vacuuming, dishes (when I'm home), mowing the lawn, and bathrooms. She basically takes care of the kids when I'm doing the chores and am at work and she does the dishes while I'm away and the laundry for everbody. She also wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the 2 month old. Anyway, this hasn't stop her from pushing daycare. Good for you.. ..some other dad's I know personally, lounge around the house when they're home, and make more of a mess than anything else, (I get to take it all on, but that's another story). Is it really such a good idea to send a 19 month old to daycare monday thru friday from 9am to 3pm? If it's really in the best interest of the kid, I don't mind spending $500 a month, but then what happens when the 2 month old gets to that age. Then it'll be $1000 a month. With just my income and me not wanting to work more than 40 hours, it would be very tough financially. My 19mo son is currently in daycare M-F, 10am-6pm, while I work, and/or go to school. I spend about 4 hours a day with him weekdays, and through most weekends. Our bond hasn't weakened as far as I'm concerned - but is in fact stronger, as I now have the energy and eagerness to expend on him that he needs and deserves to recieve. My son is learning to socialize with other kids/people, and gets to go on little field trips and excusrsions with other kids nearly every other day. He's always full of eager hugs and smiles when I come to pick him up.. .and falls asleep easily from all of the energy he's burned off doing constructive things throughout the day. Before I got him into daycare , the drudgery of struggling to get studying done, or to fit in evening work on the weekends was daunting and draining. I was frankly becoming very emotionally overwhelmed and needed a break from his constant energy. (I recently acquired sole custody, whilst already enrolled in classes, and have had to juggle my way through quite the maelstrom as of late). When my ds' mother was around, things weren't much better.. ..I was feeling emotionally drained, unfortunately, around my son, and didn't feel like he was getting the best parts of my attention. But he is now. =) What do you guys think? Any advice or suggestion? My best advice is.. ..talk to your wife. Find out what's going on, in her mind. Maybe you guys can reach some kind of compromise with getting him into more part-time daycare, or homecare, or something like that? I don't know where you live, but a lot of homecare workers where I live will do very part-time hours, and charge accordingly.. ..much cheaper. I know there are some bad stories about homecare.. ..some people won't go near it. I just went through someone I knew to be very reputable for some home-care for my son in the past (which I needed to survive). I'm actually surprised that you'd have to pay $500/mo for the hours you described, esp. if you live in the states? (I'm in Canada) I pay $505/mo (CDN) for M-F, 7:30am-6:00pm (which I choose to not fully utilize, so I can spend more time with my son). |
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Tai wrote:
With the proviso that the daycare is good quality and your son settles in well, etc. I probably wouldn't go for 5 days, though, unless your wife is at risk for post-natal depression. We went to several day care provides. The wife likes a montessori provider and the director at that school recommends all five days. They really stress the learning value over child care. I just think 19 months is a little too early to be so concerned about learning. Wife might have some depression since she sometimes would say "I wished we never had any kids and her life is now miserable". I wouldn't argue with your wife about *why* a bit of respite from each other would be a good idea but it does sound like your wife might be able to cope better if she gets some more rest. She may (wrongly) be feeling that she's inadequate as a mother when really the problem is that no one is a good parent if sleep-deprived. Good advice. Thanks. Does your wife have a network of friends with similarly aged children with whom she can arrange playdates? Any grandparents who'd love to babysit for a few hours a couple of times a week? We have some friends with similar aged children, but they don't live nearby. We get together every two months or so on the weekend. Her parents travel alot and are not available at this time. Wife doesn't feel comfortable with my parents and doesn't want me to ask them to help out. What about the cost of hiring a regular babysitter to come in and take your oldest boy out for a couple of hours? At this stage the reciprocal nature of playdates might be a bit much for your wife while your baby is so young so I would look for other *regularly scheduled* solutions that your son would enjoy but that gave your wife a chance to catch her breath long enough to enjoy relating to him again. And vice versa. We talked about that, but turned out too hard for us to find someone. It was easier just to look at licensed day care centers. You do know this is a temporary situation, don't you? It will get better! I do think it would be a good idea for her to speak to a sympathetic doctor who is well-used to mothers of young children. I hope so. Thanks for your advice. P.S. I'm new to usenet via google.com. How do I change the text color when I reply? |
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#9
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electroscopillan wrote: You're probably correct, she's probably overwhelmed and possibly may be too proud, or in denial about it. However.. ..if she says "it's in his best interest", then maybe this is code for "I cannot handle all of this stress (with whining/tantrums + baby) anymore, and feel like I'm in a losing battle". And thus, maybe it really is in his best interest? Or, quite alternately, maybe your wife needs to explain her reasoning to you, about exactly *why* it is in his best interest to be in daycare. Maybe she thinks that socializing him with other kids is a more important aspect to his developement? I mean, there is a degree of balance involved here. I think you're right about being overwhelmed. When we talked I told her that I won't mind sending the older child to daycare if the reason is she needs a break, but she always insists that it's the best thing because he needs to interact with other kids and be exposed to other things to get stimulated and not bored. I don't want to send the child to daycare for that reason because I think it's too early. Aside from the different view point about whether it's good for him or not, I just don't think we can afford it on a permanent basis, especially if both kids go to day care from toddler to kindergarden. Good for you.. ..some other dad's I know personally, lounge around the house when they're home, and make more of a mess than anything else, (I get to take it all on, but that's another story). Thanks. I'm getting really tired, but I think she really needs a break until things get easier. My 19mo son is currently in daycare M-F, 10am-6pm, while I work, and/or go to school. I spend about 4 hours a day with him weekdays, and through most weekends. Our bond hasn't weakened as far as I'm concerned - but is in fact stronger, as I now have the energy and eagerness to expend on him that he needs and deserves to recieve. My son is learning to socialize with other kids/people, and gets to go on little field trips and excusrsions with other kids nearly every other day. He's always full of eager hugs and smiles when I come to pick him up.. .and falls asleep easily from all of the energy he's burned off doing constructive things throughout the day. Sounds like your a good dad. It's really hard being a parent, especially a single one. I'm not anti daycare because I think it's up to each family's situation. I think if my wife just can't take it, then we would have to get day care help. Otherwise it won't be good for any of us. It's amazing you can do all that and still go to school. I'm actually surprised that you'd have to pay $500/mo for the hours you described, esp. if you live in the states? (I'm in Canada) I pay $505/mo (CDN) for M-F, 7:30am-6:00pm (which I choose to not fully utilize, so I can spend more time with my son). Yes in LA, that's the going rate...some a little more some a little less. We are thinking about a montessori school. The have full time care from 6:00am-6:30pm and that would cost about $700/mo. |
#10
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In article . com, Tomwaters
says... I think you're right about being overwhelmed. When we talked I told her that I won't mind sending the older child to daycare if the reason is she needs a break, but she always insists that it's the best thing because he needs to interact with other kids and be exposed to other things to get stimulated and not bored. I don't want to send the child to daycare for that reason because I think it's too early. Aside from the different view point about whether it's good for him or not, I just don't think we can afford it on a permanent basis, especially if both kids go to day care from toddler to kindergarden. She may truly see it that was, or it may really be because she needs a break, or (most likely) some combination. Consider that women are socialized not to do things for their own sakes, so we tend to couch our needs in terms of what others' needs are. (Speaking in very broad and general terms, but I feel these expectations every single day as a woman.) "It's best for the child" is seen as more acceptable than "I need a break". And she may need to see it that way - if you're insisting that it's only necessary if it's for her sake, you may be putting her into a spot where she either is 'selfish', or doesn't get her needs fulfilled. With this in mind, lay out the options for daycare and/or preschool and discuss from among these. Banty |
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