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#41
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-- "Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Cele" wrote in message ... On 17 Sep 2004 12:21:31 GMT, oaway (Joelle) wrote: Quite a few of us have been through agonising depression and medication and grief and bereavement and pain with our kids. It's a bit minimising of that to have you say you're the only one, Okay, lemme explain again because I'm in no way minimizing anybody's pain and experience. I overstated the case because I thought it was so ironic that Kit and my boys were SO similar with the anger and outbursts that don't make sense. Frankly I've never known anyone to have a kid with quite the problems my son does. It's just a matter of similarity. big snip I'm discovering some things with my son that I either never realized or I really did forget.... 1) When he was born, his head was very misshapen. I'm not sure if it was a birthing trauma or what but I'm at the point where both the therapist and I believe that my son would benefit from a scan 2) some of his angry outbursts stem from the fact that he knows he's different. When my ex finally divorced me (I filed 3 times and he denied me a divorce but finally he filed and I said, "hell yeah! let's get it done!") and set me free, he refused to allow me to change my son's last name. my daughters' last names are hyphenated with my name and their dad's last name. my son wants his step dad's name too but because my ex is.... well.... I promised that I wouldn't bad mouth him so I'll refrain.... but he won't let my sig other adopt my son, my ex won't give up his rights to my son, he won't let me change my son's last name, etc.... making it very difficult for me and leaving me with lots of questions to be answered.... very awkward questions to be answered.... so my son does know he's different. 3) back in January 2003, my ex was granted a supervised visit with my son. I was forced. I fought it as hard as I could but lost that fight. So my son had to endure 2 hours of my ex. When my ex was granted supervised visitations once a month for 6 months, a follow up hearing to determine if enough progress had been made to allow for twice a month supervised visits, etc.... my ex never followed through. My son again had some questions and though the answers were given, my son still acted out. There's a lot of anger in that little boy in spite of his over all sweet demeanor. 4) it's hard to hide nightmares.... those are some questions that I've had to answer too. My son knows what had happened to me while I was married to my ex. I also know he doesn't understand. These questions were brought up in a session and it was the therapist and myself who came up with the best way to answer my son's questions so he wouldn't be damaged. How do you *not* damage a kid with an answer to a question like "mom, why is it that sometimes when you and dad disagree and then you have a nightmare, you scream out afraid of so-and-so hurting you?" or a question like "mom, why did so-and-so rape you and what is rape?" It's come up in sessions. It's in the open and it's been done in such a way that's "age appropriate" for my 2 older kids so they can understand and not be scared of my nightmares. We've had some very good therapists who've worked with our family. THe one we have now is fantastic! I think that the more that I read here, I may find myself able to relate more and I may even find more similarities..... I have a theory on why kids of single parents act out but that's for a different time.... I know that my son knows more than I give credit for. that's why I believe in being honest with him.... but I'll never bad-mouth his biological father either, no matter how much I truly hate that guy. Just because *I* feel that way, shouldn't mean that my son should feel like that. I believe that my son should find the truth for himself. |
#42
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#43
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-- "Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Cele" wrote in message news On 20 Sep 2004 10:31:50 GMT, oaway (Joelle) wrote: but I'll never bad-mouth his biological father either, no matter how much I truly hate that guy. Well, if the guy has done bad things, there's no need to sugar coat it. It's important you make your kid understand that if th bio is not a good father, it's because of his own defects, not your son's. Explain that there is something wrong with his Bio dad that makes him unable to love his kid, nothing about the kid that is unlovable. If that's badmouthing so be it. FWIW, I completely agree with this. Stating the facts with compassion for your son isn't badmouthing. If you stick to what he did and stay away from adjectives, that tends to keep it from being gratuitous trashing. Cele I think that my problem is not that I explain to my son what my ex did to me it's the fact that I know that I'm still angry about it and that's where therapy comes in and it's during my sessions that I can trash him. That's why when I say I "refuse to bad-mouth" my ex.... it's a very conscious effort on my part to make sure that I don't say anything derrogatory and inflammatory and with such hatred that my son picks up on it.... I have to make the effort to explain it almost as if I'm explaining how to add 26 and 305 to get the total of 331. it's still easy for me to trash my ex and I believe I'm classier than that. That's why I see a therapist. To help me deal with the issues that I need to deal with. =) |
#44
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"CME" wrote in message
news:6lq3d.86978$XP3.31545@edtnps84... "Paul Griffiths" wrote in message ... snip You need to be blackmailed to do bad things? No just a smidge of alcohol and I'm good to go. And you didn't mention this when I was in Canada because? ;-) -- Paul Griffiths |
#45
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"Purchgdss" wrote in message
... I've used mine and those surrounding me. Can I get an extra supply? Sure but what have you used them for? I could show you if you'd like Snicker but it would have to be our secret As a kid I used to think secrets were fun. These days I'm not so sure. Seems I grew up and got boring. Hip boots too might be a bonus...... Wink Do you mean like boots from Carnaby Street or do you mean those wader thingies that fishermen wear? Waders for sure....... I need them to wade thru the envy of happy beginnings. Well if it helps at all, it's not all happiness, at least not yet awhile. Preferably hot pink.... it's my best color. Hot pink waders? At the risk of talking stereotypes here, I think you may be looking for a gay fishing store. ;-) -- Paul Griffiths |
#46
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"lm" wrote in message
... On Sun, 19 Sep 2004 22:29:54 +0100, "Paul Griffiths" wrote: "lm" wrote in message .. . On Sun, 19 Sep 2004 12:34:12 +0100, "Paul Griffiths" wrote: snip Would all passengers please note that vomit bags are available in the pocket in front of your seats. Thank you for travelling with us. I wish I'd known that earlier. My keyboard's really a mess. :-) Oh sorry about that. Normally one of the flight crew would do the announcement but they're all busy up at the pointly end right now. That's the problem with flying coach. The snobs up in business class have one-a them fancy-schmancy autopilots. True but if the thing hits a mountain you get to the next world just as quickly as they do and in no less comfort. :-) -- Paul Griffiths |
#47
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"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message ... "CME" wrote in message news:6lq3d.86978$XP3.31545@edtnps84... "Paul Griffiths" wrote in message ... snip You need to be blackmailed to do bad things? No just a smidge of alcohol and I'm good to go. And you didn't mention this when I was in Canada because? ;-) -- Paul Griffiths LOL nah I'm not THAT cheap and easy... or so I like to tell myself. Christine |
#48
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"CME" wrote in message
newsfG3d.29208$t61.28137@clgrps13... "Paul Griffiths" wrote in message ... "CME" wrote in message news:6lq3d.86978$XP3.31545@edtnps84... "Paul Griffiths" wrote in message ... snip You need to be blackmailed to do bad things? No just a smidge of alcohol and I'm good to go. And you didn't mention this when I was in Canada because? ;-) LOL nah I'm not THAT cheap and easy... or so I like to tell myself. Glad to hear that but where did I say that you were? -- Paul Griffiths |
#49
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"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message ... "CME" wrote in message newsfG3d.29208$t61.28137@clgrps13... "Paul Griffiths" wrote in message ... "CME" wrote in message news:6lq3d.86978$XP3.31545@edtnps84... "Paul Griffiths" wrote in message ... snip You need to be blackmailed to do bad things? No just a smidge of alcohol and I'm good to go. And you didn't mention this when I was in Canada because? ;-) LOL nah I'm not THAT cheap and easy... or so I like to tell myself. Glad to hear that but where did I say that you were? -- Paul Griffiths No I implied it, so you've been absolved of any responsibility in this case. Christine |
#50
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"Purchgdss" wrote in message
... I've used mine and those surrounding me. Can I get an extra supply? Sure but what have you used them for? I could show you if you'd like Snicker but it would have to be our secret As a kid I used to think secrets were fun. These days I'm not so sure. Seems I grew up and got boring. Well get back to your roots MAN! Being Child-LIKE is what keeps us from premature "oldness". Nothing better than a good swing at the park or a great sprinkler at the neighbors (or even your own!) Hip boots too might be a bonus...... Wink Do you mean like boots from Carnaby Street or do you mean those wader thingies that fishermen wear? Waders for sure....... I need them to wade thru the envy of happy beginnings. Well if it helps at all, it's not all happiness, at least not yet awhile. Preferably hot pink.... it's my best color. Hot pink waders? At the risk of talking stereotypes here, I think you may be looking for a gay fishing store. ;-) Well that could very well work..... I DO have a thing for the men ya know. ;-D Lord knows a ROCK has more fashion sense than I. I need all the help I can get. -- Paul Griffiths Just my 2 cents......... Christine |
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