I don't like my kid's friends!

I mean, I like them, but...

he's 10 and moved here a year ago. The kids he's chosen to hang out
with are the class clown type. I *love* the class clown type.
Irreverence is our friend. But these kids are a little past irreverent
and bordering on disrespectful. My rules are pretty firm but these
kids are "wily" and I'm running out of patience.

The missing link is my son in the middle saying "dude, don't break it"
or "dude, my mom said no." My son has less confidence than he should
so is a little afraid that they won't want to be his friend if he
plays by the rules. Last week a kid came over after school and I said
fine, but only until 4:45. So 4:45 comes and I call my kids in and
they're sitting there at their desks trying to do homework and I swear
30 minutes passed before the friend was out the door. "my mom says I
can stay till 6" "I can't find my shoes" "I need to ask M about math"
etc. Grrr. I was glad my son was trying to work and it was really
funny and I know this kid just loves being with us and if I had some
kind of arrangement with his mom that he came and did homework with us
after school then he could be part of our routine, but that's not the
situation so it's disruptive to our routine.

So I drew the line with him but my son feels a bit of pressure I
think.

Maybe this is just a vent. :-)

lm

Maybe this is just a vent. :-)

Yea, not much you can do about it, sounds like you are handling it the best you
can.

My daughter fell in with a "fast crowd" last year (you may remember the
infamous sneak the boys into my overnight party incident)

Fortunately my daughter has skating and a whole different crowd. That boy
sneaking thing was a gift from heaven because it gave me leave to ground her
the whole summer, keeping her away from those friends. She skated just about
every day. Got to be a really good skater, hung out with a different crowd and
I'm seeing some different girls now that she's gone back to school.

Hang in there.

JOelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

"lm" wrote in message
...
I mean, I like them, but...

he's 10 and moved here a year ago. The kids he's chosen to hang out
with are the class clown type. I *love* the class clown type.
Irreverence is our friend. But these kids are a little past irreverent
and bordering on disrespectful. My rules are pretty firm but these
kids are "wily" and I'm running out of patience.

The missing link is my son in the middle saying "dude, don't break it"
or "dude, my mom said no." My son has less confidence than he should
so is a little afraid that they won't want to be his friend if he
plays by the rules. Last week a kid came over after school and I said
fine, but only until 4:45. So 4:45 comes and I call my kids in and
they're sitting there at their desks trying to do homework and I swear
30 minutes passed before the friend was out the door. "my mom says I
can stay till 6" "I can't find my shoes" "I need to ask M about math"
etc. Grrr. I was glad my son was trying to work and it was really
funny and I know this kid just loves being with us and if I had some
kind of arrangement with his mom that he came and did homework with us
after school then he could be part of our routine, but that's not the
situation so it's disruptive to our routine.

So I drew the line with him but my son feels a bit of pressure I
think.

Maybe this is just a vent. :-)

You have to wonder what the kid's home life is like if he is hanging around
even while your kids are doing homework.



lm

On Mon, 27 Sep 2004 11:10:55 -0400, "P.Fritz"
wrote:


"lm" wrote in message
.. .
I mean, I like them, but...

he's 10 and moved here a year ago. The kids he's chosen to hang out
with are the class clown type. I *love* the class clown type.
Irreverence is our friend. But these kids are a little past irreverent
and bordering on disrespectful. My rules are pretty firm but these
kids are "wily" and I'm running out of patience.

The missing link is my son in the middle saying "dude, don't break it"
or "dude, my mom said no." My son has less confidence than he should
so is a little afraid that they won't want to be his friend if he
plays by the rules. Last week a kid came over after school and I said
fine, but only until 4:45. So 4:45 comes and I call my kids in and
they're sitting there at their desks trying to do homework and I swear
30 minutes passed before the friend was out the door. "my mom says I
can stay till 6" "I can't find my shoes" "I need to ask M about math"
etc. Grrr. I was glad my son was trying to work and it was really
funny and I know this kid just loves being with us and if I had some
kind of arrangement with his mom that he came and did homework with us
after school then he could be part of our routine, but that's not the
situation so it's disruptive to our routine.

So I drew the line with him but my son feels a bit of pressure I
think.

Maybe this is just a vent. :-)

You have to wonder what the kid's home life is like if he is hanging around
even while your kids are doing homework.

I know, and therein lies the rub. Life is good for us now and it's
time to give back. So I'd really like to be able to help this kid out.
Otherwise saying "seeya" would be easy.

lm

lm wrote in message . ..
I mean, I like them, but...

he's 10 and moved here a year ago. The kids he's chosen to hang out
with are the class clown type. I *love* the class clown type.
Irreverence is our friend. But these kids are a little past irreverent
and bordering on disrespectful. My rules are pretty firm but these
kids are "wily" and I'm running out of patience.

The missing link is my son in the middle saying "dude, don't break it"
or "dude, my mom said no." My son has less confidence than he should
so is a little afraid that they won't want to be his friend if he
plays by the rules. Last week a kid came over after school and I said
fine, but only until 4:45. So 4:45 comes and I call my kids in and
they're sitting there at their desks trying to do homework and I swear
30 minutes passed before the friend was out the door. "my mom says I
can stay till 6" "I can't find my shoes" "I need to ask M about math"
etc. Grrr. I was glad my son was trying to work and it was really
funny and I know this kid just loves being with us and if I had some
kind of arrangement with his mom that he came and did homework with us
after school then he could be part of our routine, but that's not the
situation so it's disruptive to our routine.

So I drew the line with him but my son feels a bit of pressure I
think.

Maybe this is just a vent. :-)

Your son may be relieved that you're monitoring this a little bit.

When my daughter was around that age, she liked to hang out with a
girl who was exciting and fun, but the connection made me a little
worrisome. The friend just seemed to be a little hyper or too sure of
herself around me and she liked new experiences that I worried about
(like riding her bike somewhere far or taking the bus to the mall). I
remember my daughter hinting to me that it was okay for me to act like
a 'mean mom' so she could be let off the hook. She could get out of
participating by blaming me.

Just something to keep your ear peeled for.

Karen

lm wrote in message . ..

I know, and therein lies the rub. Life is good for us now and it's
time to give back. So I'd really like to be able to help this kid out.
Otherwise saying "seeya" would be easy.

Figure out le Gameplan, the impacts and adverse effects on the family
before ye set forth with such gratitude.

Karen

On Mon, 27 Sep 2004 13:58:43 GMT, lm
wrote:

I mean, I like them, but...

he's 10 and moved here a year ago. The kids he's chosen to hang out
with are the class clown type. I *love* the class clown type.
Irreverence is our friend. But these kids are a little past irreverent
and bordering on disrespectful. My rules are pretty firm but these
kids are "wily" and I'm running out of patience.

The missing link is my son in the middle saying "dude, don't break it"
or "dude, my mom said no." My son has less confidence than he should
so is a little afraid that they won't want to be his friend if he
plays by the rules. Last week a kid came over after school and I said
fine, but only until 4:45. So 4:45 comes and I call my kids in and
they're sitting there at their desks trying to do homework and I swear
30 minutes passed before the friend was out the door. "my mom says I
can stay till 6" "I can't find my shoes" "I need to ask M about math"
etc. Grrr. I was glad my son was trying to work and it was really
funny and I know this kid just loves being with us and if I had some
kind of arrangement with his mom that he came and did homework with us
after school then he could be part of our routine, but that's not the
situation so it's disruptive to our routine.

So I drew the line with him but my son feels a bit of pressure I
think.

Maybe this is just a vent. :-)

lm

Vents work. I, myself, never vent, of course (Right, Paul??) LOL

Seriously, I think I'd take the pressure of your son for stuff like
that by just saying, with a smile and a firm voice, something along
the lines of, "Sport, I love you to bits, but you've gotta go home
now. Here's your coat." And then laughingly but firmly usher him out.
He'll get the message. Kids don't do subtle at ten...that's another
ten years or so....and what would offend an adult won't offend him.
And if your son's embarassed it'll pass quickly and he'll be motivated
to send the message himself, when you're not around (though it sounds
as if he already is).

It's likely that the reason they now border on disrespectful is that
they're getting closer and closer to that stage when everything's a
rule to test. When they do that with me, I don't take offense
(usually), but I come on calm and firm: "You know what? You're
crossing the line a bit there. You might not want to be pushing that
envelope." They'll usually drop it, especially if you walk away and
let them save face.

Good luck. Adventures abound.

Cele

On Mon, 27 Sep 2004 20:22:14 GMT, lm
wrote:

On Mon, 27 Sep 2004 11:10:55 -0400, "P.Fritz"
wrote:


"lm" wrote in message
. ..
I mean, I like them, but...

he's 10 and moved here a year ago. The kids he's chosen to hang out
with are the class clown type. I *love* the class clown type.
Irreverence is our friend. But these kids are a little past irreverent
and bordering on disrespectful. My rules are pretty firm but these
kids are "wily" and I'm running out of patience.

The missing link is my son in the middle saying "dude, don't break it"
or "dude, my mom said no." My son has less confidence than he should
so is a little afraid that they won't want to be his friend if he
plays by the rules. Last week a kid came over after school and I said
fine, but only until 4:45. So 4:45 comes and I call my kids in and
they're sitting there at their desks trying to do homework and I swear
30 minutes passed before the friend was out the door. "my mom says I
can stay till 6" "I can't find my shoes" "I need to ask M about math"
etc. Grrr. I was glad my son was trying to work and it was really
funny and I know this kid just loves being with us and if I had some
kind of arrangement with his mom that he came and did homework with us
after school then he could be part of our routine, but that's not the
situation so it's disruptive to our routine.

So I drew the line with him but my son feels a bit of pressure I
think.

Maybe this is just a vent. :-)

You have to wonder what the kid's home life is like if he is hanging around
even while your kids are doing homework.

I know, and therein lies the rub. Life is good for us now and it's
time to give back. So I'd really like to be able to help this kid out.
Otherwise saying "seeya" would be easy.

lm

I suppose, then, an option to consider is to let him know that he can
stay but only if he, too, is doing homework, and staying on task while
your kids do theirs. I've certainly had half the block doing homework
at my house on occasion.

Nowadays, instead, I research free birth control sources for my
daughters' friends, and chat with all and sundry about condoms, booze
and picking one's battles. :-)

Cele

On 27 Sep 2004 13:54:55 -0700, (Karen O'Mara) wrote:

Your son may be relieved that you're monitoring this a little bit.

When my daughter was around that age, she liked to hang out with a
girl who was exciting and fun, but the connection made me a little
worrisome. The friend just seemed to be a little hyper or too sure of
herself around me and she liked new experiences that I worried about
(like riding her bike somewhere far or taking the bus to the mall). I
remember my daughter hinting to me that it was okay for me to act like
a 'mean mom' so she could be let off the hook. She could get out of
participating by blaming me.

Just something to keep your ear peeled for.

Karen

To be sure. My kids have been told from day dot that they could always
make me the heavy to get out of something their instincts said they
should avoid. As the decisions got tougher, I even have had them text
me on the cell to get me to phone them and tell them they had to come
home immediately for whatever reason. I do it, too. I generally follow
up with a debrief on "other possible strategies should they have any
trouble reaching me next time," so that they don't still need rescuing
at 45, but I am always willing to be the heavy.

Cele

On 28 Sep 2004 11:37:01 GMT, oaway (Joelle) wrote:

Nowadays, instead, I research free birth control sources for my
daughters' friends

Do you let your their parents know you are doing that for them? Cuz I kindof
think that's my department and I'd be pretty ****ed off if someone was doing
that for my daughter without my knowledge.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

Nope, I don't. We're talking in this case about a kid who has an
absent, drug addicted mother, a severely alcoholic father who has no
idea where she is most of the time and who is nonetheless motivated,
in school and trying hard to keep her life on track. This is a girl
who asked for help because she needed a morning after pill. She's 17
years old, in her final year of high school, and will likely live at
home for another 8 months at best.

Telling her mother is not possible; she doesn't know where her mother
is. Telling her father would serve the dual purpose of getting her
into a lot of misery which would teach her nothing, and would stop her
coming to someone she trusts, with potentially dire consequences. So
giving this girl the information about how to take preventative
measures for something she's already doing, and engaging her enough to
get some healthy messages across *and heard* about safe sex, and
consequences, and so forth, seemed like the most helpful thing to do.
What she does with the information is up to her, but she's a good kid
and I think she'll make sensible choices a fair bit of the time. With
wholly unguided teens, that's about all anyone can hope for.

If the daughter of a parent such as yourself came to me for help for
similar reasons, I'd probably encourage them to talk to you and offer
to be supportive or help them tell you or do the telling myself. But
if they resisted strongly, you bet I'd give them information. I'm a
teacher; I spend much of my day giving information. It's what I do.

In this country, even medical professionals are not legally required
to tell parents when a youngster over (?14?) seeks birth control. I've
never met one who would, although I suppose they must be out there.
The thinking is generally that if they're having sex and have the wit
to take precautions, it's best to make it easy for them to accomplish
the precautions part.

Cele