In-Law-Family Matters - Rant

Well, my turn to get into In-Laws conflicts...

I don't know how to phrase my concerns/frustration.

My father-in-law is the type of person who has a theory for everything. He
is also the type to, as his ex puts it, "pontificate". The way he talks,
it's as if he is always right, he knows everything, and you can never be
good enough. He always uses that condescending tone that makes you feel like
you're the stupidest person on earth, or close.

Now that DD is here, it's even worse. Whenever we see him and something
happens or we tell him of something that has happened with her, he always
has a comment like "that's normal", or "of course, she...", or "that's
because of this or that", giving us a lecture on why and how our baby does
and should behave. It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't act as if *we should
know better*. And guess what? he's mostly never right, but keeps proferring
his theories on everything anyway.

A few examples.

Theories:
--DD cannot recognize us yet.
Gosh! She's 4 weeks old now! When I told him I *know* she recognized me from
day 1, he replied: "Of course, you smell like sour milk."
--A GOOD mother *always* knows why her baby is crying.
Yeah, right.
--DD doesn't need affection, she only needs heat.
WTF?
--To know if a baby has fed enough, put her on a scale before and after
feeding her. That's how people do it.
D-uh... Anyone with a scale out there?

Situations:
--DD is crying. "Oh, she's having gas."
Wrong: she was hungry.
--DD cries when DH holds her. "Oh, that's normal, she only wants her mommy."
Wrong: her little bum hurt and she needed some zinc cream.
--DD doesn't want to sleep. "She's having gas".
Wrong again: she wants to be held.
--DD hasn't slept well today. "It's normal, it's her day sleep."
Wrong: we were in a shopping mall, and she doesn't sleep well when there is
noise around.
--DD doesn't want to be held by him. "She's having gas."
Wrong: she wants mommy. (if he repeats "she's having gas" one more time,
I'll kill him)

Etc., etc., etc.
Now, I know he means well. I know he loves her (his first grandchild). I
know he wants to help. But he annoys me so much! And if only he wasn't
always trying to contradict everything I say or do! And if he'd only drop
*that* tone of voice when he addresses me (or us? I don't know, it's hard to
discuss this with DH).

The other problem I have is that he complains he doesn't see her enough. So
far, he's seen her more often than both my mother and my father together.
And when we bring her to him or he comes to see us, he complains because she
is sleeping and I don't want him to wake her... But when he sees her, he
acts as if she's a... toy, or a thing. HIS thing. Bugs me like hell.

And you know the worst? With his Ph. D. and all, all DH remembers of him as
a paternal figure is someone who just wasn't there, or, when he was, used
him as a test subject for his thesis (on child behaviour)! So who's he to
tell me what to do?

I know I should tell him off, do something, but it's hard, as I don't want
to run in a fight with DH, who does try to understand my frustration... but
isn't succeeding entirely.

Anyway. I needed to vent. I'll stop here because I could go on and on and
on. Thanks.

Isabelle
Mother to DD (Nov. 27)

Zaz wrote:

I know I should tell him off, do something, but it's hard, as I don't want
to run in a fight with DH, who does try to understand my frustration... but
isn't succeeding entirely.

I certainly understand why you find him so frustrating,
but I really don't think that telling him off is going to do
anything at all. It sounds like this isn't a situation where
he's preventing you from doing what you need to do, nor is it
a situation where your daughter is in danger from any of his
cockamamie ideas. The *only* thing he's capable of doing is
annoying the hell out of you, and he can only do that with
your cooperation. Kill him with kindness. Nod, smile, thank
him sincerely for his advice, and then do what you deem best
anyway. It's hard, but it's worth it in the long run.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Zaz,
My guess is that your FIL has always been that way, and it's just becoming
more obvious and annoying since you've had your little one. My guess is
that it's always going to be this way, and may likely get worse. But here's
the thing -- this is who he is, always has been, and likely always will be.
It's not personal, it's just who he is. But I don't think any
"confrontation" on your part is going to change him, so I'd recommend that
you not bother. Instead, practice being like a duck and letting it roll off
your back. He thinks he knows it all, but he doesn't. Instead of getting
annoyed, realize that for whatever reason, this is his survival tool in the
world -- this is how he feels powerful and smart and above everyone else,
which clearly he needs to do.

He's always going to pontificate, so rather than take it personally, or
internalize it to feel like you are inferior or stupid, realize that he's
probably feeling inferior and stupid, deep down inside. Feel sorry for him,
and it will change the way that you see him. Learn to say, "Hmm, uh huh.
Really?" without hearing a word that he is saying. I mean, just because a
person says with utmost conviction that the sky is yellow, and you know it's
not, doesn't make you wrong, and shouldn't make you feel stupid. And it
doesn't make the sky yellow.

When you tell him about things that DD does, and his response is, "Of
course" or "that's normal" or whatnot, well, it probably is normal. He's
just not the type to get excited about baby's first coo or gurgle or smile.
He's not a warm fuzzy grandpa, and he wasn't a warm fuzzy father. No
surprise here.

He also could be fairly typically male, and want to fix things -- find
solutions and make things better -- like when your dd is crying, and he
keeps suggesting that it's gas. All you have to do is say, "hmm, could be."
and then go about your parenting as you see fit.

Rather than contradict him, just smile, agree, nod your head, and go about
your business.

Hugs and good luck.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- The Inquisitor, who asks "What's that?" only 1000
times a day.
Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- The Thug, who yells "HEY! HEY! WHERE IS MY
FOOD!" quite loudly at 3am!

Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password
I know I should tell him off, do something, but it's hard, as I don't want
to run in a fight with DH, who does try to understand my frustration...
but isn't succeeding entirely.

Anyway. I needed to vent. I'll stop here because I could go on and on and
on. Thanks.

Isabelle
Mother to DD (Nov. 27)

Hi Zaz,

My FIL is also a pontificator, but in a much less annoying way.
For one thing, he doesn't pretend to know much about babies, and
both MIL and FIL are willing to let us set the rules for DS
(like when he could eat what, etc). I'm excited about them sharing
their traditions (they're from India) with DS, and I think they
really appreciate that.

But, back to his pontification. When I was pg with DS, and
busy worrying about what I needed to avoid eating etc., he said
"I think you should just eat whatever. The most important thing
for the baby is that you're relaxed and happy." So I said,
"So if I were a smoker, you would think it would be just fine
for me to keep smoking?" And he said "Yes." So I said, somewhat
tongue-in-cheek, "That's the last time I take any advice from you!"
And he loved it Dunno if that would work with your FIL though.

Emily

"Jamie Clark" wrote in message
...
snip
When you tell him about things that DD does, and his response is, "Of
course" or "that's normal" or whatnot, well, it probably is normal. He's
just not the type to get excited about baby's first coo or gurgle or
smile. He's not a warm fuzzy grandpa, and he wasn't a warm fuzzy father.
No surprise here.

The thing is, he is a warm and fuzzy grandpa. He is all over DD (another
annoying thing) and I know he watches her every move. The annoying part of
it is that he puts everything he does on a scale, like at age X she must do
this, if she doesn't I should worry, there is no way she'll do this before
age X, if I think she did I'm wrong, etc. He analyses everything she does,
everything I do...


He also could be fairly typically male, and want to fix things -- find
solutions and make things better -- like when your dd is crying, and he
keeps suggesting that it's gas. All you have to do is say, "hmm, could
be." and then go about your parenting as you see fit.

Rather than contradict him, just smile, agree, nod your head, and go about
your business.

Hugs and good luck.

I'll be following your (and Ericka's and Emily's) advice and try that. I've
never been good at pretending things don't affect me when in fact they do,
and I've always had problems "detaching" myself from events surrounding me,
but I promise I'll try.

Isabelle

Zaz wrote:
I'll be following your (and Ericka's and Emily's) advice and try
that. I've never been good at pretending things don't affect me when
in fact they do, and I've always had problems "detaching" myself from
events surrounding me, but I promise I'll try.

It's tough to do. After Juliet was born, my mil was every bit of herself
personality wise, just constantly in my face though because she was *always*
around. Very much the same complaints over how she never got to see the
baby even though it was way more than my family got to see her. We tried
diplomatic reasoning, with how our time is limited, and how we were really
trying to get our feel for parenting. Well, she is who she is, and that
just set her even more uncomfortable and very much more abrasive to be
around. It got to the point where I was having panic attacks over the idea
of her being around, because she just stressed me out that badly. Which
quite frankly says quite a lot, considering I'm fairly understanding of why
she is the way she is. Dh ended stepping in and in the very much not the
polite affirming way told her off. It took quite a bit to get to that point
too, and making that choice means quite a bit of noses getting put out of
joint. Mil backed off and gave us our space, and of course stated she would
never come over again ever. It was a delicate dance of trying to establish
that balance of bounderies and trust, and to be honest, it could have been
handled much better.

Anyways, my point is I know the ground you tread. (((hugs)))

Laurel
--
Birthmom to Bj 4-12-96
mommy to Juliet 4-13-02
and someone new due 8-14-05

Oh Isabelle, it is so hard! I still have a hard time pretending wheras my
DH just lets things roll off his back! Grrrr Hang in there, hopefully
this will pass.

Kelly
#4 2/12/05

snippage
I've
never been good at pretending things don't affect me when in fact they do,
and I've always had problems "detaching" myself from events surrounding
me, but I promise I'll try.

Isabelle

"Zaz" wrote in message
.. .

I'll be following your (and Ericka's and Emily's) advice and try that.
I've never been good at pretending things don't affect me when in fact
they do, and I've always had problems "detaching" myself from events
surrounding me, but I promise I'll try.

Isabelle


It is hard, but you'll get the hang of it. First you pretend that his
comments don't bother you, and eventually, they won't, because you will have
stopped listening, stopped paying attention to them, and stopped taking them
personally. But first, you have to pretend that you've already evolved that
way, and wait for the rest of you to catch up!

Also, I've found that people who are really bossy and "know it all" are used
to being contradicted and having to argue and prove themselves...so if you
just agree with them, it sort of stops them short. They can't argue with
you when you aren't arguing with them.

Good luck. Just remember you new motto -- be like the duck...let it all
roll off your back!
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- The Inquisitor, who asks "What's that?" only 1000
times a day.
Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- The Thug, who yells "HEY! HEY! WHERE IS MY
FOOD!" quite loudly at 3am!

Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Jamie Clark wrote:
Good luck. Just remember you new motto -- be like the duck...let it all
roll off your back!

There's a great song called "Be like a duck" on the Sandra
Boyton CD called _Philadelphia Chickens_.

Emily
mom to Toby, 5/02

"Zaz" wrote in message
.. .

"Jamie Clark" wrote in message
...
snip
When you tell him about things that DD does, and his response is, "Of
course" or "that's normal" or whatnot, well, it probably is normal. He's
just not the type to get excited about baby's first coo or gurgle or
smile. He's not a warm fuzzy grandpa, and he wasn't a warm fuzzy father.
No surprise here.

The thing is, he is a warm and fuzzy grandpa. He is all over DD (another
annoying thing) and I know he watches her every move. The annoying part
of it is that he puts everything he does on a scale, like at age X she
must do this, if she doesn't I should worry, there is no way she'll do
this before age X, if I think she did I'm wrong, etc. He analyses
everything she does, everything I do...


The pat answer I have for that is, "Gosh, I thought babies didn't learn to
read until they were older... So I guess she didn't read that book."


Jenrose