toddler questions

" ) writes:
Yesterday My 3.5 yo showed me someone on the walkway smoking and asked
why "that man's mouth is on fire". I didn't know how to answer. Luckily
she spotted something else on the road and asked something else. I know
the next time she seems someone else smoking she'll ask again. How do I
explain to her what smoking is without sounding judgemental?

Thanks.



Would this count as non-judgemental?

"Oh, that poor person. He's smoking. Maybe he started
smoking years ago before people discovered how bad it is
for people. Once somebody starts, it's really hard to stop,
and it makes people get sick more often."

(Not worded quite right. Child will get image of person
smoking nonstop 24 hours a day. Don't see how to fix
it without making it too wordy.)

"toypup" wrote in message
. net...

"bizby40" wrote in message
...
Yes, but that doesn't mean you want your children to feel superior
to smokers in general. The last thing you want is for them to go
around comparing themselves to everybody they meet and trying to
decide who is the better person based on what few traits they can
observe.

My sister smokes. She didn't set out to become a smoker, she just
started having one now and then when out with friends. I think
most people are like that -- they think one or two won't hurt them,
and they don't realize they are becoming addicted until they are
already.

Yes, but it would be smart to know that we don't know if we will be
addicted unless we try and why risk it? That is how I felt about
smoking and any other drugs, even as a kid. I do not mean to say we
must go around sticking our noses up in the air, but it is not smart
to start. They should know that.

Sure, that's why I said, "So I want my kids to know how bad smoking
is, and how tragic it is
when people get addicted, and how easy it is to get addicted, and how
hard it is to stop." I just don't want them feeling like they can put
down smokers any more than I want them feeling like they can put down
anyone else.

Bizby

hedgehog42 wrote:
wrote:
Yesterday My 3.5 yo showed me someone on the walkway smoking and asked
why "that man's mouth is on fire". I didn't know how to answer. Luckily
she spotted something else on the road and asked something else. I know
the next time she seems someone else smoking she'll ask again. How do I
explain to her what smoking is without sounding judgemental?

Thanks.

I agree with OP in that you want to be careful how you frame this, and
I'm saying this as a lifelong, almost militant non-smoker. It's a very
short jump from "it's a dirty habit" to "smokers are dirty" and then to
"dirty people-ugh." Given that the nicotine addiction is reportedly as
strong or stronger than a cocaine addiction, I don't want
self-righteous kids thinking that they're just simply superior to a
grandparent who smokes.

I'd agree with the non-judgmental thing. Just last night I was at the
supermarket with ds (15 mths) in the trolley. Like a total plonker I
had lost my car keys so went round the supermarket to look for them. It
was a long shop and ds was getting tired. After 20 mins searching he
had reached his patience thresholds and the only thing that would
soothe him was his dummy. In the clothes section we went past a mum and
two boys, aged around 7 and 5. The older one took one look at ds at
said 'Uggh look, a cry-baby' with a look of disgust on his face. Bless
him the little looked up concerned and protested 'he's not a cry-baby'.
Somewhere along the line someone must have to conveyed to the older one
that having a dummy made a baby someone to sneer at. Even though ds
didn't have a clue about what he said, I felt awful. I had to wait till
they were out of sight to comment on what they said, as I knew it
wouldnt have been nice to have said what I was thinking to the boy -
afterall, it was someone else who taught him that. I have never been
happy about his dummy and we rarely use it outside sleep times or long
car journeys, but this was an exception. I certainly didn't need some
snotty kid commenting on it.

As for smoking, it is a filthy habit. However, I don't want my ds to
think his dad is filthy, so I intend to explain it sensitively but
without judging his daddy, that is not a good thing to do.

Besides which, there is a certain element at certain ages that will
compel them to rebel against all things 'bad', so perhaps it's best not
to make it totally evil. Just a thought?

Jeni

wrote in message
ups.com...
Besides which, there is a certain element at certain ages that will
compel them to rebel against all things 'bad', so perhaps it's best not
to make it totally evil. Just a thought?

At my HS, they were discussing having a smoking section set aside at school.
My history teacher said she thought kids who wanted to smoke will do so
anyway, but she was against the smoking section, because kids need something
to rebel against. It was better to make smoking the thing to rebel against
than something worse, like drugs. It made sense to me. In junior high, it
was against the rules to chew gum, so guess what? It was the thing to do.
Kept a lot of kids busy breaking that rule. Of course, there will always be
kids doing drugs and such, but my teacher had the right idea.

"toypup" wrote in message
om...

wrote in message
ups.com...
Besides which, there is a certain element at certain ages that will
compel them to rebel against all things 'bad', so perhaps it's best
not
to make it totally evil. Just a thought?

At my HS, they were discussing having a smoking section set aside at
school. My history teacher said she thought kids who wanted to smoke
will do so anyway, but she was against the smoking section, because
kids need something to rebel against. It was better to make smoking
the thing to rebel against than something worse, like drugs. It
made sense to me. In junior high, it was against the rules to chew
gum, so guess what? It was the thing to do. Kept a lot of kids busy
breaking that rule. Of course, there will always be kids doing
drugs and such, but my teacher had the right idea.

Wait a second -- maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it looks like
you're suggesting that we....offer token resistance to smoking in the
hopes that they will take up smoking in rebellion instead of something
worse? I don't think that makes any sense at all. There may be worse
things than smoking, but smoking is *really* bad. I would be
devastated if one of my kids took it up.

Bizby

"bizby40" wrote in message
...

"toypup" wrote in message
om...

wrote in message
ups.com...
Besides which, there is a certain element at certain ages that will
compel them to rebel against all things 'bad', so perhaps it's best not
to make it totally evil. Just a thought?

At my HS, they were discussing having a smoking section set aside at
school. My history teacher said she thought kids who wanted to smoke will
do so anyway, but she was against the smoking section, because kids need
something to rebel against. It was better to make smoking the thing to
rebel against than something worse, like drugs. It made sense to me. In
junior high, it was against the rules to chew gum, so guess what? It was
the thing to do. Kept a lot of kids busy breaking that rule. Of course,
there will always be kids doing drugs and such, but my teacher had the
right idea.

Wait a second -- maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it looks like you're
suggesting that we....offer token resistance to smoking in the hopes that
they will take up smoking in rebellion instead of something worse? I
don't think that makes any sense at all. There may be worse things than
smoking, but smoking is *really* bad. I would be devastated if one of my
kids took it up.

No, it's not token resistence. It is something I think is horrible and
disgusting. Yuck. I can't understand why people ever want to do it. Thank
goodness no one I know well or am related to smokes. I am saying that I
wouldn't go with Jeni's suggestion of making it less evil just so kids don't
have that to rebel against. I just don't think the mild approach works with
the rebellious crowd. They'll just find something worse to rebel against,
and those who might not otherwise try it may feel they have permission. Of
course, the truly rebellious will go all out regardless. I'm not sure what
to do about those.

wrote:
Yesterday My 3.5 yo showed me someone on the walkway smoking and asked
why "that man's mouth is on fire". I didn't know how to answer. Luckily
she spotted something else on the road and asked something else. I know
the next time she seems someone else smoking she'll ask again. How do I
explain to her what smoking is without sounding judgemental?

Why worry about not sounding judegmental? Smoking is nasty and I have
no qualms what so ever letting DS know how I feel about it.

-L.

"toypup" wrote in message
t...

"bizby40" wrote in message
...

"toypup" wrote in message
om...

wrote in message
ups.com...
Besides which, there is a certain element at certain ages that
will
compel them to rebel against all things 'bad', so perhaps it's
best not
to make it totally evil. Just a thought?

At my HS, they were discussing having a smoking section set aside
at school. My history teacher said she thought kids who wanted to
smoke will do so anyway, but she was against the smoking section,
because kids need something to rebel against. It was better to
make smoking the thing to rebel against than something worse, like
drugs. It made sense to me. In junior high, it was against the
rules to chew gum, so guess what? It was the thing to do. Kept a
lot of kids busy breaking that rule. Of course, there will always
be kids doing drugs and such, but my teacher had the right idea.

Wait a second -- maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it looks like
you're suggesting that we....offer token resistance to smoking in
the hopes that they will take up smoking in rebellion instead of
something worse? I don't think that makes any sense at all. There
may be worse things than smoking, but smoking is *really* bad. I
would be devastated if one of my kids took it up.

No, it's not token resistence. It is something I think is horrible
and disgusting. Yuck. I can't understand why people ever want to
do it. Thank goodness no one I know well or am related to smokes.
I am saying that I wouldn't go with Jeni's suggestion of making it
less evil just so kids don't have that to rebel against.

Oh, okay. I agree with you there. I think that letting kids know
from day one that it's a really stupid thing to do will make it less
likely for them to try it, not more.

I just don't think the mild approach works with the rebellious
crowd. They'll just find something worse to rebel against, and
those who might not otherwise try it may feel they have permission.
Of course, the truly rebellious will go all out regardless. I'm not
sure what to do about those.

Kids who are actually getting into real trouble are generally not just
rebelling. That is, if they are choosing really unacceptable or
self-damaging behavior, I think it's because they have problems of one
kind or another. A healthy, happy kid who is just going through the
adolescent independence stage can probably get all the rebellion she
needs through the old standbys of clothes, hair, and music.

Bizby

I think a lot of good points have been made to the fact that young kids
do not understand the difference between "smoking is gross" and "that
person is gross because they smoke". I think talking to kids about
smoking is like talking to them about sex. Tell them a little bits when
the topic comes up. You want to keep the disguession going for years.
If you give a 3 year old a full lecture on the horrors of smoking they
aren't going to want to bring it up again.

Smokers aren't bad people, they are people who've made a mistake.

Monique wrote:
I think a lot of good points have been made to the fact that young kids
do not understand the difference between "smoking is gross" and "that
person is gross because they smoke".

I don't see any difference. If you smoke, you are gross.

-L.