Addie's Adoption Story

Part 1

October 27, 2004

Okay, seeing as Addie turns one month old today (4 weeks exactly), I figured
I'd better get her birth/adoption story down before my self-inflicted
deadline. Just like me to get it in, just under the wire! The majority of
names have been changed for privacy.

Of course, knowing me, it's long - very long. 13 pages. But I wanted to
get down all the details, both for myself, and for anyone who is interested,
to see what it's really like. I checked Taylor's adoption story, and oddly
enough, it was 13 pages too!

Spring 04
We decided when Taylor was about 15 months old that we wanted to begin the
process for baby #2. We weren't in any particular hurry, so made an
appointment for May, when Taylor would be 18 months old. In the meantime,
we set about getting our home study stuff done - doctors appointments,
fingerprinting, DMV clearances, etc. As we did with our first adoption, we
headed to our intake appointment with well over 75% of our paperwork done
and ready to turn in. I'd also brought a draft of our new Dear Birthmother
letter for critique. We scheduled our first home visit and worked on
collecting any outstanding items. Our home study was finished and approved
in 4 weeks, on June 12th, right as we were leaving on a two-week family
vacation.

Summer 04
At the end of June I found out that an acquaintance of mine, Kim, had
recently matched with a birthmother in Las Vegas named Lindsey. Kim had
been roommates with my good friend Marjorie for several years. I'd seen Kim
at Marjorie's wedding shower, bachelorette weekend, and then wedding the
past fall. We had talked about our various infertility experiences, and I
told her about my adoption experience, and she met Taylor (the best adoption
advertising there is!), and soon afterwards, she and her husband moved on to
adoption in a more concrete way. Anyway, Kim sent me a photo of her and her
hubby and the birthmother, and my first reaction was, "Oh, she's cute! I
could match with a birthmother like that!" In July Kim found out that they
were expecting a little girl, who was due to be born at the end of
September.

Not much happened during the next few months. I had one e-mail lead in June
that lasted about a month and then petered out. I didn't have strong hopes
for it, but it was a nice distraction. July turned to August and August
inevitably veered into September. During this time, I helped a few people
with their Dear Birthmother letters or websites, in some cases doing some of
the photos, editing text, or doing the layout and graphics. Within a
two-week period in early September, two of the people I had helped, matched
with birthmothers. I was very happy for them, and took a small amount of
credit for their matches. We had already been waiting longer than we had
waited to match with Taylor's birthmother. In Taylor's case, we were
contacted by her birthmother after having been in the book one month - we
corresponded via e-mail and telephone for a month, we flew out to meet them,
matched, and then waited 12 weeks for Taylor to be born. Clearly I was
doing something right, marketing-wise - and I felt strongly that soon our
birthmother would find us. I knew she was out there, and assumed that our
baby would be a few months behind that.

Monday, September 20, 2004
I got an e-mail from my friend Kim, telling me that she had some good news.
She was 13 weeks pregnant! She told me that she'd unmatched with Lindsey,
but that all was well and she was due this week. I wrote her back and sent
her hearty congratulations about her unexpected pregnancy. I also asked
about Lindsey, if she was matched already. Kim wrote me back and told me
that they had unmatched in August, and she thought that Lindsey was already
matched with another couple.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Two days later I got another e-mail from Kim - short and sweet. She said
that Lindsey wasn't matched, and wanted my toll-free number to pass on to
Lindsey. This was two days before Lindsey's due date of 9/24/04. I e-mailed
Kim back and asked her a few basic questions, such as drug or alcohol use,
race of the child, and financial issues, the answers to which could be deal
breakers. I figured if it wasn't a match, I didn't want to talk to her on
the phone and get emotionally connected or excited about the prospect of
this child coming so soon. Well, the answers all matched, and on the
surface, it was a good fit. Lindsey didn't have a computer, so Kim printed
out our adoption website and faxed it over to the residence hotel that
Lindsey and her boyfriend and kids were living at. Kim said that Lindsey
would try to call me in a few hours, but that if she didn't, I should call
her. I waited a few hours, and called Lindsey. She answered the phone, and
we chatted. Lindsey, 20, was a stay at home mom, and her boyfriend Ron, 42,
was a floor layer (carpet, hardwoods, tile, etc).

I assumed that she'd seen our website pages, but she hadn't, so she was
talking to me "blind." I'd seen her photo months before (and had looked at
it again as soon as I found out she was available!). So, I gave her our
basic story and we got to know each other. We had a good conversation and
talked for an hour total, and I got the distinct impression that the fact
that Kim recommended us gave us major bonus points. Of course I had the
same feeling - I felt like if Kim had thought that Lindsey was a scammer, or
not going to place, she wouldn't have offered to set us up. At one point I
was telling Lindsey briefly about how we connected and matched with Taylor's
birthmother, and said that unfortunately we didn't have the luxury of time
in this instance. I told her that I was very interested in continuing with
this possible match, but that I thought that the next step would be for
Lindsey to call our agency and register with them. Typically, if a
birthmother is a scammer, they will hesitate to call the agency, or stall,
or just never call. Plus, there really was no way to work with Lindsey
without getting our agency involved.

About 30 minutes after I hung up with Lindsey, our agency called to tell me
that Lindsey had called and registered with them. We talked briefly about
both of our impressions of Lindsey, her financial needs, and our gut
instincts on whether she would place -- we both felt like she would place.
About an hour later, Lindsey called back to tell me that she'd contacted the
agency, and they were sending her paperwork, overnight. We had another good
conversation the second time, but she still hadn't seen our website pages -
she had no idea what we looked like still. We agreed to talk again the next
day, and thought about the idea of us going down to Las Vegas to meet her.

Thursday, September 23, 2004
By Thursday evening we'd spoken again, and got into subjects like having us
in the room when the baby was born, names (Addison Grace, which she loved!),
whether or not she wanted to hold the baby (she didn't think she wanted to,
but I encouraged her to reconsider), how open she wanted the adoption to be,
and some of the possible grief issues she'd be likely to face afterwards.
At that point it was pretty clear that we both felt like this was going to
be a match, so I told her that Rob and I really wanted to fly down that
weekend to meet her in person. This was too important of a decision to be
made without meeting first. She agreed, and was happy about the fact that
we wanted to come down.

Friday, September 24, 2004
Lindsey hadn't received the overnighted documents from the agency, so I
offered to drive the 20 minutes over to our agency, pick up the forms, and
hand deliver them to Lindsey, so did that on Friday, along with pack and
make arrangements for some place to stay in Las Vegas, both for this quick
weekend visit, and during the birth, which could be at any time.

Saturday, September 25, 2004
We flew down to Las Vegas on Saturday morning (the day after her due date),
and had made arrangements to stay with the parents of good friends of ours.
We met Lindsey, her two kids Peter 5, and Paige 3, and Lindsey's mom Joanie
at a local restaurant. The birthfather, Ron, was working in California, and
unable to get home, so we didn't get to meet him. We sat outside on a
covered patio in the 100-degree heat so that we could be next to a play
structure, so the kids could come and go and we could talk with fewer
interruptions. I had brought a couple of old fashioned wooden toys for the
kids, and some bath salts and scrubs for Lindsey.

We hit it off right away. We had a nice lunch, and decided to head on over
to the hospital to get Lindsey registered. Kim and her husband had been
paying for a private OB while they were matched, but since they had
unmatched, Lindsey had been unable to afford that doctor, so had switched
over to a new doctor, and consequently a new hospital, but hadn't yet gone
in. So, we all trouped over to the hospital, but were unable to get her
registered because she needed to get her records from the other doctor, as
well as apply for Medicaid. We left, and agreed to meet again the next day,
and fill out the forms that I'd brought down. After they were filled out, I
would hand carry them back to the agency.

Sunday, September 26, 2004
We met at a McDonalds with a play-place, and again spent a few hours
together, eating lunch and filling out all the forms that we could. We made
arrangements to pay their rent for the next week, and gave them a $100 gift
card to the supermarket, so they would have some food and other necessities.
I asked Lindsey if she felt she was anywhere near going into labor, because
if she felt any cramping or contractions, I'd have made arrangements to stay
in Las Vegas. She assured me she felt nothing, but both she and her mother
said that she'd gone very fast in both of her previous labors.

Monday, September 27, 2004
We left on Monday morning, came home, and waited for the phone to ring. I
spoke to Lindsey a few times that week, but nothing seemed to be happening.
Ron still hadn't been able to get home, and I commented that she was
probably going to go into labor as soon as he did.

Thursday, September 30, 2004
On Thursday afternoon I got a call from my stepmother telling me that my
father was in the hospital with chest pains. He had a triple bypass 22 years
ago, and has been incredibly healthy ever since -- he rides 10-14 miles a
day on his bicycle, and his doctors tell him he is healthier now than he was
before his surgery. He'd had some major pains in the past few years that
have been attributed to heartburn/stomach acid, but they weren't sure what
this one was, and were running tests. Our original plan was for my dad and
stepmother to take Taylor for us when we got "the call," so we decided that
we'd take Taylor with us when the call came.

30 minutes later , around 3:00pm, the phone rang again. I was expecting it
to be my stepmom. It was Lindsey, letting me know that her water had just
broken. She wasn't having any contractions yet. Although this was her
third child, she was kind of freaked out about it. I calmed her down and
told her that it was perfectly normal, and that she should make sure to eat
something before she went to the hospital, because it could still likely be
a while. We told her that our plan was to drive down to Las Vegas, which
usually takes about 10 hours. But, Rob wouldn't be home for another 2 hours
due to some work commitments, so we didn't think we'd be arriving in Las
Vegas until very early the next morning.

There was a bit of drama at this point, because she'd called her mom,
Joanie, first while hysterical, and her mom was trying to come get her to
take her to the hospital. Lindsey doesn't drive, and is dependent on her
mom and anyone else to get her around town. Her mom's car is very
unreliable, and Joanie was worried that she wouldn't make it in time to get
Lindsey to the hospital, so Joanie called the paramedics. The paramedics
arrived while I was talking to her on the phone, so she hung up and told me
she'd call me later. The paramedics were going to take her to the hospital,
but they wouldn't take the kids, so they were going to call the cops and
have the cops take the kids, which freaked Lindsey out, so she sent the
paramedics away. Joanie finally arrived, the paramedics were still there,
so they took Lindsey, and Joanie took the kids, and they all finally arrived
at the hospital. Lindsey had started to have contractions in the ambulance,
and at one point her blood pressure had dropped so low that she passed out,
and caused quite a worry.

Joanie called me around 5:45pm to tell me that Lindsey was heavily
contracting, 4 cm dilated, but there were no beds available. Lindsey was in
a hospital gown, had an IV in, and was sitting in the L&D "lobby" area,
laboring in a chair. I could hear her moaning in the background. Joanie
said that they really wanted us to be there, so Rob and I talked (he wasn't
home yet) and changed our plans. We booked tickets on a 10:00pm flight out
of SFO, which would arrive around midnight. Rob would take Taylor to our
friends house, and I'd scoot on over to the hospital to see Lindsey and
support her. I called Joanie back and told her the new plans.

Rob finally got home; we packed up our stuff, Taylor's stuff, and the baby's
stuff, and headed out for the airport. We arrived in the long-term parking
lot, unloaded the car, and caught the shuttle to the airport. Rob's cell
phone rang, and it was a Las Vegas number. He handed it to me, and I
answered it. It was Joanie - after a 6 hour labor, the baby had been born
at 8:40pm, weighed 8lbs 9oz, was 20.5 inches long, had a head full of hair,
and was beautiful! Apparently Lindsey went so fast that she didn't have
time for an epidural. Excited, we boarded our flight.

Friday, October 1, 2004
We arrived in Las Vegas around 12:30am and stuck to our original plan - Rob
took Taylor to our friend's house to go to bed, and I took an overnight bag
and hopped in a cab for the hospital. When Taylor was born I was doing
adoptive breastfeeding, and the hospital was very supportive and arranged
for me to have a room and room-in with Taylor. I didn't know if this
hospital would be the same, but brought my bag, just in case. On the way to
the hospital it occurred to me that I'd be arriving in the middle of the
night, and they may not let me in. Oh well, I was on my way, and I wanted
to see both Lindsey and this baby that might be mine.

I arrived at the hospital around 1:30am and made my way up to the labor and
delivery ward. I checked in at the front desk and was finally taken to see
Lindsey. Her mom was there with her. Ron had finally arrived right after
the baby was born and had taken the kids home to sleep. She seemed to be
doing well, although wasn't in a permanent room yet. The midwife who
attended the birth and supported her during it was there, and had wanted to
meet me. I was glad that Lindsey had good support, especially since she'd
gone without pain meds that she had planned on getting. Another nurse came
in who had wanted to meet me, and had been there with Lindsey during and
after the birth. This nurse had not only placed a child for adoption many
years ago, but her daughter had just placed a child for adoption last year.
She was very supportive of the adoption, and I thank my lucky stars that she
was on shift. I think it helped Lindsey to talk to her and hear her
stories.

After about 30 minutes we walked over to the nursery. We went inside and I
saw Addison Grace for the first time. I held her and looked at the clock,
and noticed that she was 5 hours old, the same age that Taylor had been when
I first held her. I felt so many of the same feelings - sort of hopeful and
yet detached at the same time. This wasn't my child yet, although I hoped
it would be. Addie was very puffy and moonfaced, and didn't look as
"pretty" as Taylor had at that same age. But she was still beautiful all
the same. I had two photos taken of me holding Addie for the first time. I
think I have the same look in my eyes as I did when holding Taylor for the
first time - cautious and hopeful.

By then it was clear that the hospital was very crowded and that they
wouldn't
be giving me a room, so I said my goodbyes and went back to where we were
staying. I think I crawled into bed that night around 3:30 am.

Still Friday, October 1, 2004
That morning we went back over to the hospital and went up to Lindsey's
room. She was doing well, and already raring to go home. Rob was working
on wrangling Taylor, while I chatted with Lindsey and her mom. At a certain
point Taylor was getting bored and overtired, and really needed to go back
to the house and take a nap. Rob took her home, and I stayed at the
hospital. A hospital social worker came by, as did a state social worker.
There were some papers for Lindsey to sign and some for me to sign, which
would allow Rob and I to visit Addie in the nursery after Lindsey was
released from the hospital.

We waited for Rob to come back so that we could all go up to see the baby
together - I didn't want to see her again without him. He got back, and we
finally made it up to the nursery around noon. The nursery would only allow
the mother (Lindsey) and one other person. Since I'd already met Addie the
night before, Rob and Lindsey went in, while Joanie and I waited outside and
watched through the glass. Rob held Addie and immediately began to tear up.
His crying made me cry, and my crying made Lindsey and her mother cry. I
snapped a quick couple of photos of Rob meeting his new daughter, and they
are priceless. Joanie and I talked about how hard this was for her, and I
assured her that she'd always be this baby's grandmother, and could check in
with us any time.

We explained the situation to the nurses, and begged them to allow us to all
gather inside the nursery and quickly snap a few photos. Lindsey was now
dressed and ready to go home, so this would likely be our last chance. She
felt completely bedraggled, tired and worn out the previous night, so I had
respected her wishes to not take any photos then. She had agreed to hold
Addie and have some photos taken, so we wanted to do that now. The nurse
agreed as long as we didn't take too long. We got some photos of us
together - Lindsey holding Addie, her mom and me, and one of Rob, Lindsey,
and me holding Addie. They are great photos, and I treasure them.

Lindsey checked out of the hospital around 2pm, and Rob and I went back to
our friend's house. We hung out and went out to dinner, then brought Taylor
back home and put her to bed, then around 9, when we were sure she was
asleep, went back over to the hospital to visit Addie again.

We knew that NV doesn't allow the birthmother to sign the relinquishment
papers for 36 hours after the baby is born, and during that time, requires
that the baby be in temporary foster care. Unfortunately NV does not have
enough foster homes available, so they allow the hospital to act as
temporary foster care - at a cost to us, of course. According to the
timing, Lindsey wouldn't be able to sign the papers until Monday, BUT, our
agency had to have some documents signed and overnighted to NV for her to
sign. The only people who could sign the documents weren't in on Friday, so
they had to wait until Monday to be signed, then sent, which means that
Lindsey wouldn't be able to sign until Tuesday. We were frustrated, but it
was only an extra day, and there wasn't anything we could do about it. NV
also requires that the birthparents come in and review the documents 24
hours before they sign them, so Lindsey and Ron had to go to the social
workers office twice, once on Monday to review the documents, and again in
24 hours to sign them.

In the meantime, we visited Addie in the nursery 2-3 times a day for about
an hour each time. We got to know the nurses on the different shift, and
became friendly with them. They each knew our story and were very nice and
supportive.

Saturday, October 2, 2004
We visited Addie in the morning. Around 11:00am Joanie called us and said
that Lindsey was upset and crying, and hadn't wanted to call me, then handed
me the phone. All I could think was that Lindsey was changing her mind
about the adoption. Lindsey came on the phone and as calmly as I could I
asked her what was up. She told me that she hadn't gone home since she'd
given birth - that she and her mom had stayed at her uncles house, but that
Ron was wigging out and had taken the kids and was accusing her of sleeping
around on him. She had just received the gift check that we'd sent last
week but had somehow managed to lose it, and had no money and no food, and
was hoping we could help her. I was pretty incredulous that Ron could
actually believe that 24 hours after giving birth that she would be cheating
on him, but she said that this was pretty typical of him and his behavior. I
asked her if this chaos with Ron was going to have any affect on the
adoption, was he still in favor of it, and would he still sign, and she
assured me he would, and it was still on. I was so relieved that it wasn't
about the baby or the adoption that I told her that Rob would meet her at a
local super market and get her another gift card.

I will never know if she really did lose it or if she was just trying to get
more money out of us, but at this point, and that one, it didn't matter. We
were sort of between a rock and a hard place, as the papers hadn't been
signed yet. At the same time, I was keenly aware that I had to tread
carefully, and that I wasn't going to allow myself to be taken, or milked.
We had agreed to financially support Lindsey until the birth and then for 6
weeks afterwards, which meant paying their rent and supplying $125 per week
for food. So far we were only a few hundred dollars into this deal, and if
she was going to change her mind and parent, we'd be out less than $500. At
the same time, Rob and I were both reluctant to shell out any more money
until the papers were signed, so that if it wasn't going to happen, we'd cut
our losses.

I spoke to Lindsey again that day, and told her that if she needed a ride to
go review or sign the documents, that I'd be happy to drive her. I offered
to take her and Ron and the kids out to lunch on Tuesday before they signed
the documents - partly to meet Ron, which I still hadn't done, and partly to
make sure that they arrived at the appointment, at all, and on time. She
assured me that Ron would take them to both, and said she'd mention the
lunch idea to him and let me know.

Sunday, October 3, 2004
We visited Addie several times that day. We took Taylor on one trip and
introduced her to Addie. I don't think she knew what to think. I got some
cute photos of their first meeting.

On our way home from the hospital on one of the trips we stopped by the
residence hotel to pay the next weeks rent. We didn't hear from Lindsey or
Joanie for the majority of the day. Late Sunday night we got a phone call
from both Keren at our agency and Nancy the NV social worker, saying that
Ron had called them and was upset. Lindsey still hadn't come back to the
hotel and he couldn't get a hold of her and didn't know where she was. He
had the kids, and he was packing up their stuff to move out, since the rent
hadn't been paid. We explained that we'd just come from paying. It was
another misunderstanding, but all taken care of. Apparently Lindsey finally
arrived home around 10-11pm that night, and they patched everything up.

Monday, October 4, 2004.
Sandra, the woman whose house we were staying at, really wanted to come to
the hospital and meet Addie, so Sandra went to her exercise class in the
morning, and Kyran and I took Rob to the airport. Rob had a really
important work event that he had to do, so the plan was that he would go
home, do his work event all day Tuesday and half day Wednesday, then drive
our car back down to Las Vegas arriving later Wednesday night.

After Sandra got home and cleaned up, she and I headed on over to the
hospital, while her husband Kyran stayed home and watched Taylor. Sandra
and I arrived at the hospital and went up to the nursery. As we walked in
the door one of the nurses looked up and said, "Oh, the mother called, and
said it was urgent, and wanted you to call her back right away." At the
same time, Sandra's cell phone rang, and it was Kyran, saying that Lindsey
had called the house twice and wanted me to call her. We stepped back out
of the nursery, I breathed in deeply, and called Lindsey at the hotel.
Again I was sure that Lindsey was changing her mind about the adoption, and
wanted to tell me before I visited Addie again and bonded any farther with
her. I asked Lindsey what was up, and she said that Ron had a job thing
that he needed to do, and would I give her a ride to go review the adoption
papers. I let out a huge sigh of relief and said, "oh goodness, Lindsey,
you scared the **** out of me! I thought you were changing your mind! Of
course I'll drive you! I'll take you anywhere you need to go!" With much
relief we hung up, and Sandra and I went back into the nursery to visit
Addie. Sandra immediately began to cry as she held Addie, and exclaimed
what a beautiful baby she was.

After about and hour, we headed back towards the house. The hospital and
the social services office were all the way on one side of town, and
Lindsey's
hotel was way on the other, with the house that we were staying in sort of
in the middle. The timing was such that I dropped Sandra off and went back
over to Lindsey's hotel. Once I had Lindsey and the kids, we turned around
and went back across town to the social services office. Paige fell asleep
in the van, so Peter went in with Lindsey to review the documents, while I
stayed in the car with Paige. Apparently the birthfather didn't need the
same 24 hours time to review, or if he did, it wouldn't affect us being able
to take Addie out of the hospital the next day, after the papers were
signed. Lindsey and Ron had an appointment at 1:00pm the next day to sign
the papers.

The document review only took about 20 minutes, so we headed back towards
the hotel. We stopped at Kentucky Fried Chicken on the way home and I
offered to buy them a large bucket of chicken for dinner that they could
take home. Ron was supposed to be home by then, so we got enough for all of
them, and continued the drive. We arrived at the hotel and we all went up
to their "apartment." Ron wasn't there, so I said my goodbyes and left.

I decided to head back over to the hospital to visit Addie again. I arrived
at the hospital at 6:30pm, only to find out that it was shift change, and
they don't allow anyone in the nursery until 8:00pm. Sandra and Kyran had
dinner plans that night with friends, so I had to be home well before
8:00pm, so I begged the nurses to let me scoot in and give Addie a
hello/goodbye kiss. They allowed it, providing I was fast. I was. I
didn't
mind too much that I couldn't visit longer - I kept thinking that tomorrow
by mid-afternoon she'd be all mine. I was in and out in about 5 minutes,
only to be back in my borrowed van driving across town. I felt like I'd
done nothing that day except zig zag across greater Las Vegas. Since I had
a few extra moments, I stopped at In-N-Out on the way home, and sat in the
parking lot and had a burger and listened to the radio for a few minutes,
thinking that this would all be over and done with very soon.

To be continued...
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03
Addison Grace, 9/30/04

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