Children's friends

My younger daughter is five years old and is starting kindergarten in the
fall. A couple of weeks ago she was with a friend (Mary) at a playland in a
restaurant. My daughter accidentally stepped on Mary's hand while they were
climbing in some tubes and she said she was going to tell on my daughter
(she likes to tell on her friends). Mary came to me and told me my daughter
stepped on her hand and I told her I was sure it was an accident (with a
"was it?" to my daughter, who nodded) and asked Mary if she was okay and she
said yes. So I told them maybe they could go play then. They walked off and
soon after my daughter came back to me and told me that Mary wasn't talking
to her. I told my daughter that maybe she should just apologize, and that
sometimes it's nice to say and people like to hear it, and then I thought it
would be fine. She disappeared, then came back crying saying she had
apologized and Mary still wasn't talking to her. I asked my daughter if she
wanted me to come with her to try to help her and she said yes. So I went
with her to Mary (four years old) and told Mary [very nicely] that my
daughter had tried to apologize to her and thought that maybe she hadn't
heard her, and we wanted to make sure she knew my daughter was sorry. Mary
said yes, she did hear her apologize. Then I asked her if she was okay and
she said yes. So I said "maybe you two can play" and walked away. When I got
to the table, Mary's mom asked me what I said to Mary and I told her, and
asked why. Then she said "because Mary gave you a dirty look when you walked
away." Later she said the best thing to do is to let the kids work it out
themselves and I agreed with her only because I didn't want to get into a
confrontation. On the way home, my daughter said she wasn't sure if she
wanted to be friends with Mary anymore. (There have been other incidences in
the past where when my daughter has been at Mary's house, Mary won't share
with my daughter, or gets sent to her room for one thing or another leaving
my daughter to play with her brother or other toys.) I am wondering if you
think I stepped out of bounds here, because I don't see how I did. In the
first place, it was an accident, and Mary wasn't even hurt. She came to me
to basically tattle (what causes this anyway?). The fact that they went to
play and Mary ignored my daughter, even after my daughter apologized to her
speaks volumes and the fact that Mary gave me a dirty look behind my back
(wonder where she learned this?) puts the icing on the cake. I have seen
Mary give dirty looks to her mom when she doesn't get what she wants and her
mom laughs and says she's "four going on forty" which doesn't make sense to
me, but whatever. I think I do let my kids work things out for themselves,
but when they need help, they come to me and ask for it. I either give them
advice with some choices they could make (with information on what the
results could be as best I can) and they decide for themselves, or in the
case with my five year old, she tried to work it out but needed help. How in
the world could I ignore her and dismissively tell her to work it out
herself when she already tried to herself!! I think this is one of the
reasons why, when kids grow older, they feel they can't rely on their
parents because if they weren't there for them when they were younger, why
in the hell would they be there for them when they were older? I think that
sometimes younger children can't work things out themselves because they
just don't have the skills to do this. If she didn't need help, she wouldn't
have even come to me in the first place. Another friend of mine said she
always thought this Mary was a brat anyway. I am wondering about your own
experiences with your younger children and their friends. Especially you,
Steve, when your kids were younger and they came home with stories about how
they were at their friend's house and their friend was sent to their room
during dinner while your son or daughter was eating over, or some other
obnoxious occurrence, what was your response to them. I can only imagine if
you got into some heated debates with your kids' friends' parents about
parenting. Did you and how did this work out when you didn't want to
compromise your kids' friendships? (Or maybe they chose not to be friends
with that person anymore?)
How does a parent not get involved with their kid's problems when they ask
for help without compromising the respect and care for their child,
especially when they are so young. And, I also don't get why parents just
don't see how the treatment of their kids just escalate their "temper
tantrums" or "moodiness" or "it's a girl thing" etc.
Am I being overly critical of people when I start up a friendship, then find
something like the above happens and decide maybe the friendship is just not
what it is turning out to be? (I absolutely know that things could only get
worse as Mary and my daughter get older if things are going the way they
are. However, based on my daughter's remark that she didn't think she wanted
to be friends with her anymore, think it's just a matter of time). I am not
the world's best parent by any means, but I think I am a pretty good one. I
just can't stand to see kids mistreated, then to see my kids have problems
with their friends because of what is going on in their lives. And, at the
same time, we don't want to end up friendless either. Where is the happy
medium? Say what you want to say, because some of you will either tell me to
stick to my guns, or perhaps I need to learn a valuable lesson here that I
have not yet seen. I am not picking my kids' friends, merely trying to
decipher where my stance is when these problems arise.
Susan