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When to let kids meet new girlfriend



 
 
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  #11  
Old April 25th 07, 02:23 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Strutter
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Posts: 12
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Tue, 24 Apr 2007 14:37:02 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

Not that it's any of your business, but I am working toward living close
to
my daughter. Finding the right job doesn't happen overnight most of the
time. I can't help that they live in an econimically depressed area.


That's a good thing - finding work closer to your daughter's home.

Maybe then, custody can be 50/50 and you can keep your 15k a year. I'm
sure your daughter would rather you were the #1 man in her life.

'Kate


Honestly, my coming here is not about the money. I just wanted objective
opinions about the situation.


  #12  
Old April 25th 07, 02:31 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Strutter
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Posts: 12
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Mon, 23 Apr 2007 21:35:54 -0700, Bev wrote for all to see:

On Apr 23, 11:08�pm, "Strutter" wrote:
"'Kate" wrote in message

news
On Mon, 23 Apr 2007 18:36:31 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

snipped�
I also pay $8K/year in child support and another $6K/year in
traveling expenses to be with my daughter. My 39 year old ex wife
introducing her 25 year old boyfriends to my daughter just rubs me the
wrong
way a little. Especially since those relationships don't seem to be
lasting
too long.


Ya know......I thought you were thinking of your daughter when you
posted about your ex's introducing her b/f's to the child. Now I see
why your shorts are really in a knot. 8K a year in CS and 6K a year in
traveling expenses does not make up for the limited amount of time you
are spending with your child.Move closer, you can spend more time with
your daughter ,save your 6K in traveling expenses,mind your own
business about who your Ex is dating and you might feel better.


:-D

Yeah... I know. I asked the question he least wanted to answer. He got
defensive and threw the money up as a "smokescreen".

Transparent, huh?

Hugs,
'Kate


I wasn't being defensive. Being away from my daughter is painful, and I may
have come across as being defensive. I want my ex wife to meet a good man
that will be good to my daughter. I just don't think my ex should start
bringing the guys around my daughter from day one. I want her to give it a
little time. My daughter still talks about a couple of the guys my ex has
dated recently, and she doesn't completely understand why they aren't around
anymore. How is that fair to my daughter?


  #13  
Old April 25th 07, 02:39 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Strutter
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 12
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend


"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Mon, 23 Apr 2007 23:08:48 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Mon, 23 Apr 2007 18:36:31 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

How much child-free and non-work time do you each (the parents) have?


What does that have to do with her introducing my daughter to people on
first dates, etc.?


Did you say first dates? I only recall that you said that your ex is on
her sixth guy in 5 months.

And what it has to do with this, is that time matters. This is all about
time.



I actually said three guys in five months, but I don't really know if the
new guy is the third or fourth. He's at least the third. No, these are not
just first dates. My daughter still mentions the other two guys and doesn't
understand why they don't come around anymore. The first guy lasted three
weeks, and the second guy lasted 4-6. I don't remember specifically. I
simply asked my ex to chill about having her dates around our daughter so
quickly. My ex told me I'm being ridiculous and unreasonable. I simply
came here for other opinions and some insight not to confirm my own
opinions.



  #14  
Old April 25th 07, 02:52 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Strutter
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 12
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend


"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Mon, 23 Apr 2007 23:08:48 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Mon, 23 Apr 2007 18:36:31 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

How much child-free and non-work time do you each (the parents) have?


What does that have to do with her introducing my daughter to people on
first dates, etc.?


Did you say first dates? I only recall that you said that your ex is on
her sixth guy in 5 months.

And what it has to do with this, is that time matters. This is all about
time.


My ex works 30 hrs./week and has family that will take
care of my daughter any time my ex will let them. I don't live close to
my
daughter, but I use every minute of three weeks of vacation to see my
daughter. I also pay $8K/year in child support and another $6K/year in
traveling expenses to be with my daughter. My 39 year old ex wife
introducing her 25 year old boyfriends to my daughter just rubs me the
wrong
way a little. Especially since those relationships don't seem to be
lasting
too long.


I see. So your ex has primary custody and you have three weeks during
vacation. Most people get every other week child-free or, at least,
every other weekend and a weekday or so... 50/50. Of course you can date
whomever you want whenever and it is unlikely to affect your daughter. You
have the luxury of being able to get to know a date well before you have
to introduce her to your daughter. Of course your ex would have nothing
bad to say about that. That puts you squarely in the "moral right" by
virtue of the custody arrangements.

I'm not sure what money has to do with this. Wasn't this an ethical/moral
issue? Were you not questioning her values?

For the record, I don't make a habit of dating a number of people
in a short time. I do expect my dates to pick me up at the door. I do
introduce my children to my dates. But then, I have long-term
relationships and I didn't date right after Phil died. My children were
older than your daughter then too. I think you have a right to say what
you feel about your ex's dating habits if they bother you but I don't
think that you have the right to dictate her actions. You do have some say
in what your daughter is exposed to. Any more than an introduction at
first would be too much - so the matter isn't so much how many men she
dates as how much time they spend with your daughter. In that case, I
would say that it isn't unreasonable to not want your daughter to have to
spend hours with someone unless your ex has dated that person, away from
your daughter, for at least 3 months and no sleep overs until ... well, I
never really thought that was appropriate with children in the house until
after marriage. Call me a prude.

'Kate



Also, thanks for the input. Like I said, I wasn't looking for confirmation
of my own opinions. I just wanted to hear someone else's opinion to help me
gage if I was being unreasonable or not.


  #15  
Old April 25th 07, 02:06 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
xkatx
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 690
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend


"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Tue, 24 Apr 2007 14:37:02 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

Not that it's any of your business, but I am working toward living close
to
my daughter. Finding the right job doesn't happen overnight most of the
time. I can't help that they live in an econimically depressed area.


That's a good thing - finding work closer to your daughter's home.

Maybe then, custody can be 50/50 and you can keep your 15k a year. I'm
sure your daughter would rather you were the #1 man in her life.

'Kate


I, personally, don't agree with a 50/50 arrangement.
My honest opinion is that a child needs a stable, permanent home to live at.
A bed they can always go to sleep in, a room they can always play in, a
neighbourhood they can always see their friends in and a school they can
regularly attend. I don't agree with a 50/50 agreement. I do, however,
really believe that any given child should have both parents in their life,
though, but I do still firmly believe that one parent should be their
permanant residence and the other parent should be the one they go to or
have come to them. I just find 50/50 situation can often offer trouble.
One home with one or the other parent, not one home 50% of the time, a
second home the other half of the time.


  #16  
Old April 25th 07, 02:06 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
xkatx
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 690
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend


"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Tue, 24 Apr 2007 15:41:57 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:


I only came here looking for honest opinions, whether the same as mine or
not, but it seems to have turned into a personal attack on me. Perhaps
I'm
not the best at expressing myself, but I'm the best father I know how to
be.


Unfortunately, you're not being judged for yourself. We get a lot of
"My ex is wrong and I'm looking for backup" posts. We have no way
of knowing what your intentions are until we prod a bit. You were a bit
defensive about your current custody arrangements but it is clear that you
love your daughter. That makes you ok in my book even if I don't 100%
agree with you.

'Kate


Well said.


  #17  
Old April 25th 07, 02:08 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
xkatx
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 690
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend


"Strutter" wrote in message
...
"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Tue, 24 Apr 2007 14:37:02 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

Not that it's any of your business, but I am working toward living close
to
my daughter. Finding the right job doesn't happen overnight most of the
time. I can't help that they live in an econimically depressed area.


That's a good thing - finding work closer to your daughter's home.

Maybe then, custody can be 50/50 and you can keep your 15k a year. I'm
sure your daughter would rather you were the #1 man in her life.

'Kate


Honestly, my coming here is not about the money. I just wanted objective
opinions about the situation.


Around here, when someone new pops in with a question or problem and is
looking for advice, it often sends up flags when they mention money. It
seems to happen all too often that a parent seems to try to look like a hero
by saying, "But I shell out the big bucks!!!"


  #18  
Old April 25th 07, 02:28 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
xkatx
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 690
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend


"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Tue, 24 Apr 2007 20:14:15 +0000, xkatx wrote for all to see:


"Strutter" wrote in message
...
Excuse me if this question has been asked before, but when is the
appropriate time to let children meet a person you are dating? My ex
and
I have some disagreements about this. I feel that I should be in a
relationship long enough to know that it has the potential to be lasting
before I subject my daughter (6 years old) to meeting the person I am
dating. I don't believe that my daughter should be exposed to every
person I go out with, or her mother, just for a matter of convenience.
My
ex wife has dated three different guys over the past five months, and
now
my ex is with someone new again. I asked her to please give her
relationships time before having the person around my daughter, but the
new guy is already wanting to go to my daughter's T-Ball games, etc. Am
I
crazy for thinking that it's unfair to my daughter to be exposed to
these
guys so quickly? Am I unreasonable thinking that my ex should wait six
months or whatever amount of time it takes to see if the relationship
will
turn serious?


I just noticed this... You put the subject as "When to let kids meet new
girlfriend" yet is this about your girlfriend? Is your ex a lesbian?
We've
had a few topics lately on here about bi and heck, I think there was even
a
mention or three about quad-gendered or something. Does your ex date
lesbian males who get what they want from her then leave?
I'm a bit of a Confusedasaurus Rex.


hahaha... is your son into dinosaurs?


Yes.................
We get points across. Dinosaurs are a way to explain things. He takes
better to being a "Ratasaurus" than a tattle-tale or a rat, for example
If he read this, he would NOT hesitate to inform me there's no such thing as
a Confusedasaurus, Rex or not. I've never learned anything so in depth
before. I'm even starting to get the hang of which dinosaurs were from
which period - at least I can pronounce those words - but I'm still having
some issues pronouncing a lot of the more uncommon names. But don't worry,
I'm learning quickly. He can pronounce all of them with ease, and even sees
it necessary to correct me or help me out with some obnoxious dinosaur name.
He had issues reading the message inside of a birthday card, but toss him a
paper with 15 random (looong) dinosaur names infront of him, and he'll read
them off in a snap.
I see "euoplocephalus" and I'm standing there, "You-pol-sef-a... no,
you-ploc-efa... hm... you-ploc-a-lofagus..." and he butts in, "No, actually,
it's "you-op-lo-sef-a-lus. Mommy, you should read it properly." and I
think, well, an E for effort would have been nice, at the very least...
I ofen hear, in a day, "ROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!! I'M A VELOCIRAPTOR!!!! THE
MEANEST OF THEM ALL!!!!!"

Oh, and at Christmas, I went off to the big book store to see if I could
hunt down some sort of big dinosaur encyclopedia. I told them it was for a
then-nearly 6 year old. She pulls out one "encyclopedia" and a few books.
I had to laugh because if I brought those home for him, he'd laugh at me and
give them to his baby sisters! Cartoon drawings and picture story books
just don't cut it.


  #19  
Old April 26th 07, 12:35 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Strutter
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 12
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend

"xkatx" wrote in message news[email protected]

"Strutter" wrote in message
...
"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Tue, 24 Apr 2007 14:37:02 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

Not that it's any of your business, but I am working toward living
close to
my daughter. Finding the right job doesn't happen overnight most of
the
time. I can't help that they live in an econimically depressed area.

That's a good thing - finding work closer to your daughter's home.

Maybe then, custody can be 50/50 and you can keep your 15k a year. I'm
sure your daughter would rather you were the #1 man in her life.

'Kate


Honestly, my coming here is not about the money. I just wanted objective
opinions about the situation.


Around here, when someone new pops in with a question or problem and is
looking for advice, it often sends up flags when they mention money. It
seems to happen all too often that a parent seems to try to look like a
hero by saying, "But I shell out the big bucks!!!"


Noted.


  #20  
Old April 26th 07, 08:04 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Bev
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 196
Default When to let kids meet new girlfriend

On Apr 24, 7:27�pm, 'Kate wrote:
On Mon, 23 Apr 2007 23:08:48 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Mon, 23 Apr 2007 18:36:31 -0500, Strutter wrote for all to see:


How much child-free and non-work time do you each (the parents) have?


What does that have to do with her introducing my daughter to people on
first dates, etc.? *


Did you say first dates? I only recall that you said that your ex is on
her sixth guy in 5 months.

And what it has to do with this, is that time matters. This is all about
time.

My ex works 30 hrs./week and has family that will take
care of my daughter any time my ex will let them. *I don't live close to my
daughter, but I use every minute of three weeks of vacation to see my
daughter. *I also pay $8K/year in child support and another $6K/year in
traveling expenses to be with my daughter. *My 39 year old ex wife
introducing her 25 year old boyfriends to my daughter just rubs me the wrong
way a little. *Especially since those relationships don't seem to be lasting
too long.


I see. So your ex has primary custody and you have three weeks during
vacation. Most people get every other week child-free or, at least,
every other weekend and a weekday or so... 50/50. Of course you can date
whomever you want whenever and it is unlikely to affect your daughter. You
have the luxury of being able to get to know a date well before you have
to introduce her to your daughter. Of course your ex would have nothing
bad to say about that. That puts you squarely in the "moral right" by
virtue of the custody arrangements.

I'm not sure what money has to do with this. Wasn't this an ethical/moral
issue? Were you not questioning her values?

For the record, I don't make a habit of dating a number of people
in a short time. I do expect my dates to pick me up at the door. I do
introduce my children to my dates. But then, I have long-term
relationships and I didn't date right after Phil died. My children were
older than your daughter then too. I think you have a right to say what
you feel about your ex's dating habits if they bother you but I don't
think that you have the right to dictate her actions. You do have some say
in what your daughter is exposed to. Any more than an introduction at
first would be too much - so the matter isn't so much how many men she
dates as how much time they spend with your daughter. In that case, I
would say that it isn't unreasonable to not want your daughter to have to
spend hours with someone unless your ex has dated that person, away from
your daughter, for at least 3 months and no sleep overs until ... well, I
never really thought that was appropriate with children in the house until
after marriage. Call me a prude.

'Kate


Prude....... ;-)

 




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