5-year-olds need more separation time (kinda long)

Hi all.

It's been a long time since I have been in this newsgroup. But I wanted to
get some advice on my fraternal twin boys. They are 5 years old now, and
just started Kindergarten. Unfortunately, we have only half-day
Kindergarten here (8:55 - 11:40, if that can be called half-day!) My
husband and I both work at home. The boys come home after school because we
aren't happy with the after-school care choices we have in this area. This
makes it very difficult to work, but we feel that it is really the best
thing for them right now. They have only been coming home for 2 weeks now
and we are still trying to adjust to the new schedule.

The boys have a love-hate relationship. And they are very different. And
one (Robert) is definitely more domineering and is always feeling like he
has to correct the other (Michael) in any conversation. And when they play
(this part gets to me the most), Michael is always asking Robert "do I have
this power?", "do I have this in my superhero house?", etc. I have tried to
tell Michael that he has whatever HE decides he has, he can do whatever HE
decides to do, etc. and he always says, "No, I can't. Robert is the
stronger, superhero and is in-charge." I HATE THIS! It just shows how much
dependence in their relationship there is.

They are in the same Kindergarten class. (They were in different preschool
classes, but only in the morning.In the afternoons, they were together on
the playground, mostly just being baby-sat by inexperienced, young girls.)
It has already been suggested that we separate them, but we are on
year-round school with a multi-track system and that would be very difficult
to do. The only option is to have them switch to a new teacher so they will
still be on the same track, repeat the first 4 weeks of Kindergarten, and
put one in AM and one in PM Kindergarten. That means 3-4 trips to school
everyday, instead of 2. There is 50 minutes between the AM and PM classes.
Though I am starting to resign myself to this as an option, I don't like it
one bit! There's more to the situation.

Michael, the dependent one, also has an anger management issue. He is a
very sensitive child (emotionally, not physically) and still throws tantrums
(or what the teachers really calls "fits") in Kindergarten when things don't
go just his way. This past week (his 3rd week of school) he has 4 out of 5
days pretty much wasted because his "fit" lasted a half-hour or more each
time. Mon/Tues, we were called to come get him from the principal's office
before the morning class was over!

The principal is starting the paperwork to initiate a Student Action
Plan/Committee for Michael and bring in the Resource Ed teacher as well as
possibly the school psychologist to evaluate Michael and determine if he
needs something else in addition to the rest of the class. He is already on
a daily incentive program from his teacher, but on days when his mood is
bad, he couldn't care less about any incentive or dis-incentive. He
sometimes refers to his "stupid brain" when I say "so you didn't have such a
good day today?", almost like he wishes he could control himself better, but
like he feels like he doesn't have control when his brain switches into
anger/frustration and he just has to ride out the fit until it's over. It
really bothers me when I hear that because I wish I knew what I could do to
help him, but I don't know if there is anything "wrong", or is he just
emotionally immature, or what. And the relationship with his brother, I
believe, exacerbates this problem.

Anyone have any advice to Michael's behavior, how to deal with it, how to
increase separation time between the boys at home so that "familiarity
doesn't breed so much contempt" and so as to reduce the dependence even
during their play? Anyone experienced such difficulties at this age (or
even older?)

Thanks for any advice/support,

--
Cindy Kee
Mother of fraternal boy twins,
Robert and Michael, 6/28/1998

Cindy,
I am sorry to hear you are struggling with this. My children are younger
than yours so we haven't hit this stage yet. However from the outside looking
in I think I might so what is necessary to split the boys up. I can't imagine
having to shuttle them back and forth all day but, I would try that before I
would consider other anger management solutions. It might just be that he
needs the confidence of trying things on his own. It seems like for what ever
reason he seems inferior to Robert and this discourages him. Poor guy, and
poor Mom, I know you must feel terrible and at your wits end. A friend of mine
works from home college student help out during the day. Shuttling, making
lunch and things. This is a big help to her, the kids are still in view and
also getting direct attention from Shelly, who they love!

Do you have them involved in sperate activities where they get to do their own
thing? This might help also.

Kimberly
~Kimberly
Mommy to Alexis Iliana 07/17/99 and
Emma Elidia & Aislyn Gabriela 10/01/02
come see us...
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/aislynemma/

Cindy,

They could be in 2 different Kindergarten classes in adjacent rooms if I
wanted them on entirely different tracks - meaning different holiday
schedules! But I can't imagine explaining to two 5-year-olds that this
month, you have to get up and go to school while your brother stays home and
plays, but next month you get to stay home and play and he will have to get
up for school. :-(

Now that they aren't in preschool anymore, they rarely spend anytime apart.
When we started keeping them home after school 2 weeks ago, we started
"quiet time alone" for 1-1/2 hours after lunch and a bike/scooter ride with
us. That was just so that they could be apart for SOMETIME each day. For
us working, it's the only quiet time WE get in the afternoon!

Right now we are living in a rental condo unit with no projects outside to
be doing. When we lived in San Diego, we had a big house, but we rarely did
outside projects - we hired a gardener! So we have never really done the
separation thing with mom/dad. We almost always go places as a family on
the weekends. Shopping and such. Or I go by myself and leave both kids
home with dad (which they hate! They have always been "mama's boys" and
still prefer me to dad most of the time.) We usually did most of our
grocery shopping during the week while the boys were in preschool or daycare
or Kindergarten. We have always avoided having to take the kids out on our
errands because it was such a pain. BTW, there is no grandma/grandpa in the
area. My parents live in Florida, and his are no longer living. We lived
in San Diego until December 2002, and now we live in the Reno area.

So I guess we brought some of it on ourselves. We are making more of an
effort now to take one (just one) with us when one of us goes out for an
errand. They don't like it, but I'm sure they will start to adjust.

--
Cindy, mother to
Robert and Michael (6/28/1998)
fraternal twin boys

"Cindy Wells" wrote in message
...
Ouch. I let my sister lead but never to that extent (as far as I
recall). We were fortunate with two AM kindergarten classes in
adjacent rooms. This did work well for us (mom had planned on it
as she watched us and from limited experiences with other twins that
were placed in one class without regard to needs).

How much time do your kids spend apart at home or elsewhere? I'm
thinking of things like one child helping dad (or going to the store
with grandma) while the other is with mom. My parents did this a lot
with projects going in the front and back yards, simultaneously, with
each parent having a helper.

Cindy Wells

Cindy,

They could be in 2 different Kindergarten classes in adjacent rooms if I
wanted them on entirely different tracks - meaning different holiday
schedules! But I can't imagine explaining to two 5-year-olds that this
month, you have to get up and go to school while your brother stays home and
plays, but next month you get to stay home and play and he will have to get
up for school. :-(

Now that they aren't in preschool anymore, they rarely spend anytime apart.
When we started keeping them home after school 2 weeks ago, we started
"quiet time alone" for 1-1/2 hours after lunch and a bike/scooter ride with
us. That was just so that they could be apart for SOMETIME each day. For
us working, it's the only quiet time WE get in the afternoon!

Right now we are living in a rental condo unit with no projects outside to
be doing. When we lived in San Diego, we had a big house, but we rarely did
outside projects - we hired a gardener! So we have never really done the
separation thing with mom/dad. We almost always go places as a family on
the weekends. Shopping and such. Or I go by myself and leave both kids
home with dad (which they hate! They have always been "mama's boys" and
still prefer me to dad most of the time.) We usually did most of our
grocery shopping during the week while the boys were in preschool or daycare
or Kindergarten. We have always avoided having to take the kids out on our
errands because it was such a pain. BTW, there is no grandma/grandpa in the
area. My parents live in Florida, and his are no longer living. We lived
in San Diego until December 2002, and now we live in the Reno area.

So I guess we brought some of it on ourselves. We are making more of an
effort now to take one (just one) with us when one of us goes out for an
errand. They don't like it, but I'm sure they will start to adjust.

--
Cindy, mother to
Robert and Michael (6/28/1998)
fraternal twin boys

"Cindy Wells" wrote in message
...
Ouch. I let my sister lead but never to that extent (as far as I
recall). We were fortunate with two AM kindergarten classes in
adjacent rooms. This did work well for us (mom had planned on it
as she watched us and from limited experiences with other twins that
were placed in one class without regard to needs).

How much time do your kids spend apart at home or elsewhere? I'm
thinking of things like one child helping dad (or going to the store
with grandma) while the other is with mom. My parents did this a lot
with projects going in the front and back yards, simultaneously, with
each parent having a helper.

Cindy Wells

Cindy Kee wrote:

Cindy,

They could be in 2 different Kindergarten classes in adjacent rooms if I
wanted them on entirely different tracks - meaning different holiday
schedules!

snip

I figured that was part of the problem - only one class per time/
schedule at the kindergarten level. The year-round classes weren't
an option when I was in school so they did 2 AM and 1 PM session,
I think.

Now that they aren't in preschool anymore, they rarely spend anytime apart.
When we started keeping them home after school 2 weeks ago, we started
"quiet time alone" for 1-1/2 hours after lunch and a bike/scooter ride with
us. That was just so that they could be apart for SOMETIME each day. For
us working, it's the only quiet time WE get in the afternoon!

Important for parental mental health.


Right now we are living in a rental condo unit with no projects outside to
be doing. When we lived in San Diego, we had a big house, but we rarely did
outside projects - we hired a gardener!

My folks are big dyi'ers but sometimes creativity splits the chores.
(One adult/child pair folding the laundry, the other pair putting
the dishes away - age appropriate modifications over time; plastic
boxes and dishes + sock folding when we were little. My folks found
some neat ways to let all three kids help as soon as we were mobile.)

The grandparent with one child was a short-time deal; we didn't live
close to any of the relatives until I was 2 1/2. That first year when
my sister and I were 2-3 had the only times that grandma took one and
the other stayed with mom. Since grandma was still working full-time
I suspect it wasn't that frequent.

For the first 2 years, mom frequently did the same thing you're doing -
shop while dad took care of the kids. When we hit school age, mom also
did her shopping while we were in class.

Cindy Wells

--
Cindy, mother to
Robert and Michael (6/28/1998)
fraternal twin boys

Good luck and I hope things work out.
Cindy Wells

Today, my husband and I decided to switch the boys to the track (schedule)
at school that will allow one to go to AM (Robert) and one to go to PM
(Michael.)

Cindy,

I don't have any advice as we have not yet reached that stage, but I want you
to know that I am wishing you luck. It seems like you have certainly thought
this through and want what is best for both the boys. Please keep us posted on
how it is going.

Take care,

Ellen
--------
Erin 6/26/95
Bradley & Alex 10/5/00