Getting kids to care for their stuff

Just wondering how others are dealing with kids who just don't seem to
care.

I have 3 boys - 10, 6 and 3 - and the older 2 just don't seem to care
about their belonings (never have actually).

Getting them to clean up/put away toys/clothes etc is a nightmare -
but at least you'd think they would care about their 'personal' stuff,
favorite toys etc. They don't, however.

Their rooms can be 1.5 feet deep layered with stuff and of course,
the bottom layers are getting broken - I don't think they have
anything left from Christmas 2003 that isn't garbaged now. My 3y/o
doesn't have this problem and he takes care of his stuff the best he
can (until the others play with it, throw it on the floor and let it
drown in the sea of mess).

I've recommended to the S.O. that we packup just about everything and
leave them only a couple of things each and let them 'earn' back their
toys & things but she disagrees with this idea (although has no ideas
of her own to contribute).

Any advice is appreciated!

Jason_ wrote:

Just wondering how others are dealing with kids who just don't seem to
care.

I have 3 boys - 10, 6 and 3 - and the older 2 just don't seem to care
about their belonings (never have actually).

Getting them to clean up/put away toys/clothes etc is a nightmare -
but at least you'd think they would care about their 'personal' stuff,
favorite toys etc. They don't, however.

Their rooms can be 1.5 feet deep layered with stuff and of course,
the bottom layers are getting broken - I don't think they have
anything left from Christmas 2003 that isn't garbaged now. My 3y/o
doesn't have this problem and he takes care of his stuff the best he
can (until the others play with it, throw it on the floor and let it
drown in the sea of mess).

I've recommended to the S.O. that we packup just about everything and
leave them only a couple of things each and let them 'earn' back their
toys & things but she disagrees with this idea (although has no ideas
of her own to contribute).

Any advice is appreciated!

Personally, I think this is a common symptom of
having too much stuff. I'd remove nearly everything,
leaving just a few favorites for each child. Then, when
they show they can take reasonable care of those, give
an option to add one more thing. And, of course, model
the appropriate behavior yourselves ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Jason_ wrote:

I have 3 boys - 10, 6 and 3 - and the older 2 just don't seem to care
about their belonings (never have actually).

Personally I'd reduce their belongings to a level where it is actually
manageable for a kid. Even the best kids can't manage to much stuff. You
don't have to get rid of it, just store it and rotate it from time to time.

Then I'd set up a routine where they were expected to pick up their
toys/rooms before x activity. You can make that activity be watching TV,
going outside, having a friend over, snack, just something they enjoy. If
they don't pick up their toys, they don't get to do X. X is a privilege and
with privilege comes responsibility to take care of ones space and stuff.
You don't get one without the other.

Then act like you don't care if they do it or not. Just be firm and
consistent that it must occur before activity X. No nagging, no bribing, no
lecturing. If they don't do it by the end of the day there is always
tomorrow. Give it at least a couple weeks to see if it'll work. It
probably won't work right away.

Mine are much younger but this basic premise has rarely failed. It is hard
for me to do though. I get invested in getting them to do the thing
(varies). I'm squirming and anxious while they are as calm as a cucumber.
You have to switch that. You stay calm, they squirm. Then they'll be ready
to act :-) Hard to do I'll admit.

It is most difficult in my house because dh and I are not on the same page.
Of course I think my way is right, lol. Anyway my point is it will work
best if you hash it out with your spouse and are both invested in the plan
of action.

Good luck
--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

Jason_ wrote:
snip
Getting them to clean up/put away toys/clothes etc is a
nightmare -
but at least you'd think they would care about their
'personal'
stuff, favorite toys etc. They don't, however.

That's hard. I have always had a 'you use it, you put it
away' policy, and even so continue to have issues with
'stuff' and my girls are 16 & 17 now!

Their rooms can be 1.5 feet deep layered with stuff and
of course,
the bottom layers are getting broken - I don't think they
have
anything left from Christmas 2003 that isn't garbaged
now. My 3y/o
doesn't have this problem and he takes care of his stuff
the best he
can (until the others play with it, throw it on the floor
and let it
drown in the sea of mess).

Sounds like you may have to step in a little stronger than
you have. When my girls were about 9 & 10, I began warning
them that if they didn't tidy up and I got my hand in it,
things might disappear, never to be seen again. Perhaps you
could give them a warning that if you were to be the one
that had to find the floor, that all was going in garbage
bags and off to the landfill?

I've recommended to the S.O. that we packup just about
everything and
leave them only a couple of things each and let them
'earn' back
their toys & things but she disagrees with this idea
(although has
no ideas of her own to contribute).

Sounds like a great idea! I think sometimes kids just have
too much stuff and lose appreciation. It is difficult if
your S.O. is bashing an option without coming up with an
alternative....
--
Ruth B -- Remove your blinders to send email

Stewie (reading the Bible): "My my, what a thumping good
read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to
two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the
Pooh."



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"Ruth Baltopoulos" wrote in message
news:q4p5c.16946$1p.303602@attbi_s54...
Sounds like you may have to step in a little stronger than
you have. When my girls were about 9 & 10, I began warning
them that if they didn't tidy up and I got my hand in it,
things might disappear, never to be seen again. Perhaps you
could give them a warning that if you were to be the one
that had to find the floor, that all was going in garbage
bags and off to the landfill?

Some parents are pretty good at it, but I think some parents would have a
hard time with it, because they paid for the toy and don't want to
throw/give it away. I'd recommend the take away for specified time or until
earned back policy.

toypup wrote:

"Ruth Baltopoulos"
wrote:

Perhaps you
could give them a warning that if you were to be the one
that had to find the floor, that all was going in
garbage
bags and off to the landfill?

Some parents are pretty good at it, but I think some
parents would
have a hard time with it,

Oh, sure. I also mentioned that I thought the removal/earn
return idea was excellent. The throw away plan is for
drastic measures and the OP did mention that it was so bad
that everything was getting anihilated anyway.......
--
Ruth B -- Remove your blinders to send email

Stewie (reading the Bible): "My my, what a thumping good
read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to
two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the
Pooh."



---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.620 / Virus Database: 399 - Release Date:
3/11/2004

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Jason_ wrote:

Just wondering how others are dealing with kids who just don't seem to
care.

I have 3 boys - 10, 6 and 3 - and the older 2 just don't seem to care
about their belonings (never have actually).

Getting them to clean up/put away toys/clothes etc is a nightmare -
but at least you'd think they would care about their 'personal' stuff,
favorite toys etc. They don't, however.

Their rooms can be 1.5 feet deep layered with stuff and of course,
the bottom layers are getting broken - I don't think they have
anything left from Christmas 2003 that isn't garbaged now. My 3y/o
doesn't have this problem and he takes care of his stuff the best he
can (until the others play with it, throw it on the floor and let it
drown in the sea of mess).

I would recommend that the older boys not play with the 3yo's stuff.
Usually it's the opposite - the younger kid gets into the older kid's
stuff and destroys it. And then you put the older kids stuff away and
give him or her some space so the younger kid can't get to it. My
little sister used to take my dollhouse stuff out of the doll house
and drop it on the floor where it would get stepped on.

So I'd recommend that if the older boys get into the younger kids
stuff that at the very least they be required to find it and give it
back to him. Possibly for every time it happens, they lose a favorite
toy of their own.

I've recommended to the S.O. that we packup just about everything and
leave them only a couple of things each and let them 'earn' back their
toys & things but she disagrees with this idea (although has no ideas
of her own to contribute).


How does she get their rooms clean? Does she clean up after them?
That must be a tremendous amount of work for her. And it doesn't
teach them to be good citizens so that when they marry their wife will
have a reasonably neat human being as a husband.

I'd recommend that you actually go through the stuff in the room with
your SO and throw away ALL the things that are actually broken. There
is no point in cluttering up your lives with broken stuff.

Then one of take each of the older of the boys and help them clean the
room and put away stuff that remains. It may be that there just isn't
sufficient storage or that the storage isn't easy to use - there's
nothing more off-putting than a junky drawer or toy chest or something
with everything thrown in every which-way - does not encourage
neatness.

Let them pick what stuff is shelved in their room. If it can't be put
somewhere, put it aside. Put it in the attic or somewhere out of the
way. Or give it to charity - like those Clean Sweep/Life's Laundry
shows.

Then tell them that every evening before bed, you will check the floor
and pick up everything that's not put away and confiscate it. If they
want to play with it again, they have to ask for it. That's all. No
punishment (except for taking their younger brother's stuff and
trashing it) and no recriminations.

Maybe your SO will be better with that.


grandma Rosalie

Jason_ wrote in :

Just wondering how others are dealing with kids who just don't seem to
care.

I have 3 boys - 10, 6 and 3 - and the older 2 just don't seem to care
about their belonings (never have actually).
[snip]
I've recommended to the S.O. that we packup just about everything and
leave them only a couple of things each and let them 'earn' back their
toys & things but she disagrees with this idea (although has no ideas
of her own to contribute).

Firstly, what are you, and your SO like at caring for your own stuff?
Some people can just keep things organised without thinking about it,
other people have missed the 'organisation' gene. It sounds like your
3yo has got it (which means you need to encourage him), but the others
haven't.

Grandma Rosalie had some good ideas: go through everything that is broken
and get rid of anything that is not repairable. Get rid of all the rubbish,
too. You could get the kids to help, but that might take a lot longer then
doing it on your own. Then go through the things that are left, with the
child. do they want it? Do you want it/think they ought to have it.
Decide what to do with what is left - give it to charity, sell it, or save
it for the next kid. Sometimes they will want what appears to be worthless,
and it is OK to let them have some of this.

Once you have got down to what they actually want/care about, then make sure
they have the right storage. Do they have cupboards and boxes to put things
in? If not, you have to sort that out for them. Meanwhile, box up the
things you don't have shelves for. Hopefully at this point the room will
be tidy, with the rubbish and unwanted stuff disposed off. This stage will
have needed a lot of input from the adults, and may have taken a significant
amount of time.

Now you can do the maintainace stage. Everything has a home, so it is just
a matter of putting things away at intervals. Decide on how often this
should happen - before each meal, at bedtime or just on Saturday morning.
Now you have to get the children to put things away at that interval.
Again, to begin with, this will take a considerable amount of adult input.
However, after a while, they will start to just need to be reminded.

A lot of adults who have organisational problems remember being told to
"tidy their rooms", and not knowing what to do. So, to begin with, you
will need to teach the kid how to tidy. This will take your time: you will
need to stand over them and say "pick up the cars and put them in the green
box."

HTH

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

In article , Penny Gaines says...

Jason_ wrote in :

Just wondering how others are dealing with kids who just don't seem to
care.

I have 3 boys - 10, 6 and 3 - and the older 2 just don't seem to care
about their belonings (never have actually).
[snip]
I've recommended to the S.O. that we packup just about everything and
leave them only a couple of things each and let them 'earn' back their
toys & things but she disagrees with this idea (although has no ideas
of her own to contribute).

Firstly, what are you, and your SO like at caring for your own stuff?
Some people can just keep things organised without thinking about it,
other people have missed the 'organisation' gene. It sounds like your
3yo has got it (which means you need to encourage him), but the others
haven't.

Grandma Rosalie had some good ideas: go through everything that is broken
and get rid of anything that is not repairable. Get rid of all the rubbish,
too. You could get the kids to help, but that might take a lot longer then
doing it on your own. Then go through the things that are left, with the
child. do they want it? Do you want it/think they ought to have it.
Decide what to do with what is left - give it to charity, sell it, or save
it for the next kid. Sometimes they will want what appears to be worthless,
and it is OK to let them have some of this.

Once you have got down to what they actually want/care about, then make sure
they have the right storage. Do they have cupboards and boxes to put things
in? If not, you have to sort that out for them. Meanwhile, box up the
things you don't have shelves for. Hopefully at this point the room will
be tidy, with the rubbish and unwanted stuff disposed off. This stage will
have needed a lot of input from the adults, and may have taken a significant
amount of time.

Now you can do the maintainace stage. Everything has a home, so it is just
a matter of putting things away at intervals. Decide on how often this
should happen - before each meal, at bedtime or just on Saturday morning.
Now you have to get the children to put things away at that interval.
Again, to begin with, this will take a considerable amount of adult input.
However, after a while, they will start to just need to be reminded.

A lot of adults who have organisational problems remember being told to
"tidy their rooms", and not knowing what to do. So, to begin with, you
will need to teach the kid how to tidy. This will take your time: you will
need to stand over them and say "pick up the cars and put them in the green
box."

HTH

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three


As one who is going through this with her house and her 11 year old son, I got
to say Penny's post is spot on in every respect.

Banty

Banty wrote in message ...
In article , Penny Gaines says...

Jason_ wrote in :

Just wondering how others are dealing with kids who just don't seem to
care.

I have 3 boys - 10, 6 and 3 - and the older 2 just don't seem to care
about their belonings (never have actually).
[snip]
I've recommended to the S.O. that we packup just about everything and
leave them only a couple of things each and let them 'earn' back their
toys & things but she disagrees with this idea (although has no ideas
of her own to contribute).

Firstly, what are you, and your SO like at caring for your own stuff?
Some people can just keep things organised without thinking about it,
other people have missed the 'organisation' gene. It sounds like your
3yo has got it (which means you need to encourage him), but the others
haven't.

Grandma Rosalie had some good ideas: go through everything that is broken
and get rid of anything that is not repairable. Get rid of all the rubbish,
too. You could get the kids to help, but that might take a lot longer then
doing it on your own. Then go through the things that are left, with the
child. do they want it? Do you want it/think they ought to have it.
Decide what to do with what is left - give it to charity, sell it, or save
it for the next kid. Sometimes they will want what appears to be worthless,
and it is OK to let them have some of this.

Once you have got down to what they actually want/care about, then make sure
they have the right storage. Do they have cupboards and boxes to put things
in? If not, you have to sort that out for them. Meanwhile, box up the
things you don't have shelves for. Hopefully at this point the room will
be tidy, with the rubbish and unwanted stuff disposed off. This stage will
have needed a lot of input from the adults, and may have taken a significant
amount of time.

Now you can do the maintainace stage. Everything has a home, so it is just
a matter of putting things away at intervals. Decide on how often this
should happen - before each meal, at bedtime or just on Saturday morning.
Now you have to get the children to put things away at that interval.
Again, to begin with, this will take a considerable amount of adult input.
However, after a while, they will start to just need to be reminded.

A lot of adults who have organisational problems remember being told to
"tidy their rooms", and not knowing what to do. So, to begin with, you
will need to teach the kid how to tidy. This will take your time: you will
need to stand over them and say "pick up the cars and put them in the green
box."

HTH

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three


As one who is going through this with her house and her 11 year old son, I got
to say Penny's post is spot on in every respect.

Banty

I Agree but it can be really frustrating when kids don't look after expensive toys