On the subject of excruciatingly difficult kids whom we love

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Cele" wrote in message
...
On 17 Sep 2004 12:21:31 GMT, oaway (Joelle) wrote:

Quite a few of us
have been through agonising depression and medication and grief and
bereavement and pain with our kids. It's a bit minimising of that to
have you say you're the only one,

Okay, lemme explain again because I'm in no way minimizing anybody's pain
and
experience. I overstated the case because I thought it was so ironic
that Kit
and my boys were SO similar with the anger and outbursts that don't make
sense.
Frankly I've never known anyone to have a kid with quite the problems my
son
does. It's just a matter of similarity.

big snip
I'm discovering some things with my son that I either never realized or I
really did forget....
1) When he was born, his head was very misshapen. I'm not sure if it was a
birthing trauma or what but I'm at the point where both the therapist and I
believe that my son would benefit from a scan
2) some of his angry outbursts stem from the fact that he knows he's
different. When my ex finally divorced me (I filed 3 times and he denied me
a divorce but finally he filed and I said, "hell yeah! let's get it done!")
and set me free, he refused to allow me to change my son's last name. my
daughters' last names are hyphenated with my name and their dad's last name.
my son wants his step dad's name too but because my ex is.... well.... I
promised that I wouldn't bad mouth him so I'll refrain.... but he won't let
my sig other adopt my son, my ex won't give up his rights to my son, he
won't let me change my son's last name, etc.... making it very difficult for
me and leaving me with lots of questions to be answered.... very awkward
questions to be answered.... so my son does know he's different.
3) back in January 2003, my ex was granted a supervised visit with my son. I
was forced. I fought it as hard as I could but lost that fight. So my son
had to endure 2 hours of my ex. When my ex was granted supervised
visitations once a month for 6 months, a follow up hearing to determine if
enough progress had been made to allow for twice a month supervised visits,
etc.... my ex never followed through. My son again had some questions and
though the answers were given, my son still acted out. There's a lot of
anger in that little boy in spite of his over all sweet demeanor.
4) it's hard to hide nightmares.... those are some questions that I've had
to answer too. My son knows what had happened to me while I was married to
my ex. I also know he doesn't understand. These questions were brought up in
a session and it was the therapist and myself who came up with the best way
to answer my son's questions so he wouldn't be damaged. How do you *not*
damage a kid with an answer to a question like "mom, why is it that
sometimes when you and dad disagree and then you have a nightmare, you
scream out afraid of so-and-so hurting you?" or a question like "mom, why
did so-and-so rape you and what is rape?" It's come up in sessions. It's
in the open and it's been done in such a way that's "age appropriate" for my
2 older kids so they can understand and not be scared of my nightmares.
We've had some very good therapists who've worked with our family. THe one
we have now is fantastic!

I think that the more that I read here, I may find myself able to relate
more and I may even find more similarities..... I have a theory on why kids
of single parents act out but that's for a different time.... I know that my
son knows more than I give credit for. that's why I believe in being honest
with him.... but I'll never bad-mouth his biological father either, no
matter how much I truly hate that guy. Just because *I* feel that way,
shouldn't mean that my son should feel like that. I believe that my son
should find the truth for himself.

On 20 Sep 2004 10:31:50 GMT, oaway (Joelle) wrote:

but I'll never bad-mouth his biological father either, no
matter how much I truly hate that guy.

Well, if the guy has done bad things, there's no need to sugar coat it. It's
important you make your kid understand that if th bio is not a good father,
it's because of his own defects, not your son's. Explain that there is
something wrong with his Bio dad that makes him unable to love his kid, nothing
about the kid that is unlovable. If that's badmouthing so be it.

FWIW, I completely agree with this. Stating the facts with compassion
for your son isn't badmouthing. If you stick to what he did and stay
away from adjectives, that tends to keep it from being gratuitous
trashing.

Cele

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Cele" wrote in message
news
On 20 Sep 2004 10:31:50 GMT, oaway (Joelle) wrote:

but I'll never bad-mouth his biological father either, no
matter how much I truly hate that guy.

Well, if the guy has done bad things, there's no need to sugar coat it.
It's
important you make your kid understand that if th bio is not a good
father,
it's because of his own defects, not your son's. Explain that there is
something wrong with his Bio dad that makes him unable to love his kid,
nothing
about the kid that is unlovable. If that's badmouthing so be it.

FWIW, I completely agree with this. Stating the facts with compassion
for your son isn't badmouthing. If you stick to what he did and stay
away from adjectives, that tends to keep it from being gratuitous
trashing.

Cele

I think that my problem is not that I explain to my son what my ex did to me
it's the fact that I know that I'm still angry about it and that's where
therapy comes in and it's during my sessions that I can trash him. That's
why when I say I "refuse to bad-mouth" my ex.... it's a very conscious
effort on my part to make sure that I don't say anything derrogatory and
inflammatory and with such hatred that my son picks up on it.... I have to
make the effort to explain it almost as if I'm explaining how to add 26 and
305 to get the total of 331. it's still easy for me to trash my ex and I
believe I'm classier than that. That's why I see a therapist. To help me
deal with the issues that I need to deal with. =)

"CME" wrote in message
news:6lq3d.86978$XP3.31545@edtnps84...
"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message
...

snip

You need to be blackmailed to do bad things?

No just a smidge of alcohol and I'm good to go.

And you didn't mention this when I was in Canada because? ;-)


--
Paul Griffiths

"Purchgdss" wrote in message
...

I've used mine and those surrounding me. Can I get an extra supply?

Sure but what have you used them for?

I could show you if you'd like Snicker but it would have to be our
secret

As a kid I used to think secrets were fun. These days I'm not so sure.
Seems I grew up and got boring.

Hip boots too might be a bonus...... Wink

Do you mean like boots from Carnaby Street or do you mean those wader
thingies that fishermen wear?

Waders for sure....... I need them to wade thru the envy of happy
beginnings.

Well if it helps at all, it's not all happiness, at least not yet awhile.

Preferably hot pink.... it's my best color.

Hot pink waders? At the risk of talking stereotypes here, I think you may
be looking for a gay fishing store. ;-)


--
Paul Griffiths

"lm" wrote in message
...
On Sun, 19 Sep 2004 22:29:54 +0100, "Paul Griffiths"
wrote:
"lm" wrote in message
.. .
On Sun, 19 Sep 2004 12:34:12 +0100, "Paul Griffiths"
wrote:

snip

Would all passengers please note that vomit bags are available in the
pocket in front of your seats. Thank you for travelling with us.

I wish I'd known that earlier. My keyboard's really a mess. :-)

Oh sorry about that. Normally one of the flight crew would do the
announcement but they're all busy up at the pointly end right now.

That's the problem with flying coach. The snobs up in business class
have one-a them fancy-schmancy autopilots.

True but if the thing hits a mountain you get to the next world just as
quickly as they do and in no less comfort. :-)


--
Paul Griffiths

"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message
...
"CME" wrote in message
news:6lq3d.86978$XP3.31545@edtnps84...
"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message
...

snip

You need to be blackmailed to do bad things?

No just a smidge of alcohol and I'm good to go.

And you didn't mention this when I was in Canada because? ;-)


--
Paul Griffiths

LOL nah I'm not THAT cheap and easy... or so I like to tell myself.

Christine

"CME" wrote in message
newsfG3d.29208$t61.28137@clgrps13...
"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message
...
"CME" wrote in message
news:6lq3d.86978$XP3.31545@edtnps84...
"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message
...

snip

You need to be blackmailed to do bad things?

No just a smidge of alcohol and I'm good to go.

And you didn't mention this when I was in Canada because? ;-)

LOL nah I'm not THAT cheap and easy... or so I like to tell myself.

Glad to hear that but where did I say that you were?


--
Paul Griffiths

"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message
...
"CME" wrote in message
newsfG3d.29208$t61.28137@clgrps13...
"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message
...
"CME" wrote in message
news:6lq3d.86978$XP3.31545@edtnps84...
"Paul Griffiths" wrote in message
...

snip

You need to be blackmailed to do bad things?

No just a smidge of alcohol and I'm good to go.

And you didn't mention this when I was in Canada because? ;-)

LOL nah I'm not THAT cheap and easy... or so I like to tell myself.

Glad to hear that but where did I say that you were?


--
Paul Griffiths

No I implied it, so you've been absolved of any responsibility in this case.

Christine

"Purchgdss" wrote in message
...

I've used mine and those surrounding me. Can I get an extra supply?

Sure but what have you used them for?

I could show you if you'd like Snicker but it would have to be our
secret

As a kid I used to think secrets were fun. These days I'm not so sure.
Seems I grew up and got boring.

Well get back to your roots MAN! Being Child-LIKE is what keeps us from
premature "oldness". Nothing better than a good swing at the park or a great
sprinkler at the neighbors (or even your own!)

Hip boots too might be a bonus...... Wink

Do you mean like boots from Carnaby Street or do you mean those wader
thingies that fishermen wear?

Waders for sure....... I need them to wade thru the envy of happy
beginnings.

Well if it helps at all, it's not all happiness, at least not yet awhile.

Preferably hot pink.... it's my best color.

Hot pink waders? At the risk of talking stereotypes here, I think you may
be looking for a gay fishing store. ;-)

Well that could very well work..... I DO have a thing for the men ya know. ;-D
Lord knows a ROCK has more fashion sense than I. I need all the help I can
get.


--
Paul Griffiths



Just my 2 cents.........
Christine