Competitive Parenting 1-A

Competitive Parenting 1-A

http://fetchingjen.blogspot.com/2007/05/competitive-parenting-1.html
http://tinyurl.com/2q3zwh

By KATY GRIMES
Sacramento Union Columnist
Thursday, May 24, 2007 (online)
Friday, May 18, 2007 (paper edition)

(Sacramento Union) When did parenting become America's most
competitive adult sport? Outrageous stories from parents all around
Sacramento abound, from parents behaving badly at kids competitive
sports events to academic competitiveness. Competitive parenting is
out-of-control.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there was a world where
children could play at being children. ...playing fields for games of
soccer, baseball and capture-the-flag; and tight-knit neighborhoods
where kids played hide-and-go-seek and red-rover until it was dark...
Today, playing fields have become places where adults congregate to
see how their children measure up in the early phases of the race to
Harvard, and neighborhoods are where competition to keep-up-with-the-
Joneses runs deeply.

When we first become parents, it is clear that we live in a culture
which repeatedly tells us that we aren't good mommies and daddies -
that we should be doing more for our children. Competitive soccer and
football, dance, voice and French lessons, are merely necessary extra
"skills" that will get the kid on the fast track for Stanford or Yale,
or get him a second look from the "right" elementary school.

As any busybody Supermom will tell you, whether you want to know or
not, Baby Einstein brand is the choice of parents who want their
children to speak Swahili by the 6th grade and go to Dartmouth.
Barbies are for common other people who just want their daughter to
have a prom queen smile on her face and go to a junior college. So,
why is it that the sales of the Barbie brand are 15 times higher than
Baby Einstein? If you let kids choose, it's Barbie every time!

Today the furor surrounding the education fast track, the "right"
school, SAT/ACT testing, and college applications is a frenzied
competition... between parents.

My son is getting ready to graduate high school from C.K. McClatchy's
HISP program - four years of Humanities and International Studies
(HISP), AP and HP classes all geared to getting accepted to one of
California's U.C. campuses. The McClatchy HISP program unabashedly
brags about getting 20 kids each year into U.C. Berkeley (And no, he's
not going to Berkeley). It's been a whirlwind of twittering parents at
soccer and water polo matches, concerned that we signed him up for the
S.A.T. preparation course, or worked with him on the U.C. college
essay. Other parents could not believe that I was so relaxed about the
process. No tutors, no testing prep courses; if he needed any extra
help, he sought out the assistance of his teachers - it's what they
are there for.

When we finally did sit down to work on the college applications, we
did only one together and then he completed all of the others on his
own, without my "grading" them first or making him rewrite anything.
What better time to ensure that he was prepared to live with the
consequences and culmination of his work?

Thirteen years ago when he graduated kindergarten and we were looking
for a new school for first grade, I fell prey to the advise from other
more experienced parents, of giving him an "advantage" with a local
academically accelerated private school. Two hours of French homework
every evening should have been my first clue that the school was a
little weird. Within only a couple of months he irritated his prim,
uptight teacher so much with his squirrelly, 6-year-old boy behavior,
we pulled him out of the school. His grades were good but his behavior
was not subservient enough. It was the best decision we ever made
academically for him. This kid needed to mix it up on the playground,
get dirty, burp, play sports and games, fight, and forgo the French
lessons.

It's not just the multitudes of tests, or the preparation courses for
tests, or the AP courses designed to get a leg-up on college. I am
referring to the Competitive Parenting that takes place, starting
before kindergarten.

Competitive parents have this false notion that they can and should
control all aspects of child rearing from conception to the child's
post-doctoral work. You can see them at the park protectively hovering
over their toddlers, and mediating toy disputes for their 6-year-olds.
They're present at the high school, arguing with teachers if their
children bring home anything other than A's. They're even at college
now, running interference with professors, and setting up and
decorating their children's dorm rooms and apartments.

We have all met truly obsessed parents who anxiously apply for "right"
pre-school, which will feed into the "right" elementary school, prep
school, middle school, high school and of course, the right Ivy league
or private college. These people are out-of-touch - with the reality
of a kid's world. And to a lesser extent, don't discount the obsessed
parents who MUST get their kids into UCLA or Berkeley... nothing else is
acceptable.

Competitive Parenting involves the constant shuttling of kids from
dance and voice lessons to soccer and basketball practice to violin
lessons, to French lessons, art history lessons and to school, which
seems secondary after all of those lessons. Competitive parents stand
around at the various lessons and soccer fields, comparing their
perfect children and all of their achievements. By the time these
poor, worn out kids get to high school, they are incapable of doing
much for themselves.

The competitive parent still wakes the high-school kids in the morning
before school - an alarm clock would be so much trouble. Breakfast is
eaten in the car, as are many meals. The parent organizes last-
evening's homework and hands it to the kid as he or she stumbles out
of the mini-van at the school. After school, the parent is at the
soccer/swim/basketball/football/volleyball practice to watch and offer
his or her own coaching tips. On the way home, dinner is consumed in
the mini-van. Once home, the parent takes over the homework session,
demanding a list of homework assignments, and sitting down to "help."

The competitive parent often does term papers, school projects,
presentations, and homework, with the kid adding his or her name to
the final version of the project/term paper/presentation. Excited
parents proudly exclaim, "We got an "A!" Boy Scout and Girl Scout
badges are completed and signed-off by the competitive parent who is
also a troop parent volunteer. And since we've got the skunk on the
table about competitive parents, too many Eagle Scout ranks should be
given to the Competitive Parents, who see the rank as a resume
building opportunity.

Competitive parents pay $10,000 a year to private tutoring companies.
The competitive parent pays additional thousands of dollars to college
placement specialists and Admissions Consultants. Some pay to have the
college applications completed for their teens. One Sacramento College
Placement specialist company offers these services:

· Explore your student's interests, values and goals.
· Collaboratively, we develop a potential list of colleges and
universities that best matches your student's goals, interests,
academic strengths and learning style.
· Assist with curriculum and extracurricular decisions.
· Provide guidance on standardized tests including the SAT, ACT and
SAT Subject Test.
· Prepare you for admissions interviews, campus visits, and resume
writing.
· Collaborate on essay topic selection and draft review.
· Assist in managing the application process.
· Assist in reviewing financial aid options.
· Provide guidance with final college selection.

It appears that one can pay for nearly any service today. However, I
never thought of education as a service industry.

There are handwriting tutors for children too young to have developed
the motor skills necessary for writing, and irresponsible diagnoses of
attention deficit disorder in youngsters who are simply disorganized.
School curriculums have accelerated with little regard for standard,
normal child development. Preschoolers read, fifth graders take
S.A.T.'s for admission to summer college programs and high school
juniors are told they need three advanced-placement, or college-level,
courses for Ivy League consideration. And they are urged to build
resume that includes sports, student government, music, volunteer
work, summer courses and internships. Children are drowning, up until
midnight or insomniacs from the stress.

What happened to playing in the sandbox? Parental obsession is not
just limited to stage parents and sports obsessed dads any longer.

Competitive parents are trying to turn every kid into a superstar. It
starts out with listening to French while the baby is in the uterus,
graduates to expensive private tutoring in Kindergarten and elementary
school, and on until a college placement specialist fills out kids'
college applications and writes the essay. Peter N. Stearns, a social
historian at George Mason University in Fairfax, Va., and the author
of "Anxious Parents: A History of Modern Childrearing in America" sums
this condition up: "In our society now, a child's success in school
has become emblematic of your success as a parent," says Stearns.

So if you have a kid who gets into (never mind graduates from)
Harvard, that's as good as a stellar (although long-awaited)
performance review.

Subsidizing our kid's skills is contrary to our responsibility to
raising responsible, independent children. Are parents obsessing over
the child's success because it's good for the child, or is it good for
the parents? Over-anxious parents raise emotionally fragile kids --
kids who can't stand on their own. They don't know how to make sound
decisions and they aren't equipped to deal with failure and
frustration. And today's students are tomorrow's employees.

--
Katy Grimes is a longtime political analyst and Sacramento native;
stop by her blog: http://fetchingjen.blogspot.com

http://www.sacunion.com/SacUnionMay18.pdf