Irrational Day

Hi

I'm 10w5d now. I saw my midwife at 8w1d and she supposedly faxed my forms
off to the the antenatal clinic at the hospital to sort out my scan etc. I
still hadn't heard, so I called today, and they'd never received my forms at
all. I went through a booking in appt over the phone, and she said she'd
call me straight back with an appt, although by the time she fits me in, my
12wk scan might be closer to 14 weeks.

I waited all day for her to call back. I called back again just now, 7 hours
later, and she told me she'd been busy, and I'd have to wait a few days.

I know I sound impatient, but I just don't feel pregnant. Given as I had 4
miscarriages before I had Jessica, I'm pretty scared as it is. All I want is
to at least know when I will get my scan, as I can't class myself as
pregnant until I've seen it there on the screen. The midwife that was meant
to call me back today knew about the miscarriages etc, and still can't see
why I'm scared.

I just feel helpless. I'm to early on for one of those fetal heart monitors
that you can buy. It's too early to feel anything moving. It's not even like
I'm excited-impatient, I'm not. I'm scared that I'm going to get attatched
to a baby that doesn't feel like it's really there, and then I'm going to
lose it, or find out that it was never there. I know it sounds irrational, I
really do. It doesn't help that last time I had a scan at 8 weeks, but I'd
been fine with waiting til 12 weeks this time, and I was trying to be
patient. But then to find out that had I not called them, I'd have been lost
in the system really did my head in. To find out that the 12 week mark that
I'd managed to be patient about is probably now going to be delayed is
really hurting me, and the whole thing's made me cry as I just want to see
if I'm really going to have a baby.

I'm sorry to whinge, but all the scared feelings that I've bottled up for
the last 6 weeks have just come to a head. DH is complacent because I had
Jessica without problems, and because he's not ever had to go through a
miscarriage (they were with my ex).

I know that in a few days I'll have the appointment, and I'll probably feel
like a silly cow for moaning, but I'm just not in a happy place today

Lucy x