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how am I ever going to date?



 
 
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  #1  
Old October 13th 04, 07:14 PM
mapatchie
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Default how am I ever going to date?

so yesterday I had this guy come up to the house (this is the first time a
friend who is male has been to my house without my ex.) I had this really
guilty feeling like I was cheating, and it didnt help that my ex kept
calling every hour. Sometimes I wouldnt answer but then that would look
like I was hiding something, so then I would talk to him and tell him that
the other guy (a mutual friend) was still here. It was awful! THERE WAS NO
REASON TO FEEL GUILTY OR SCARED this guy is not even someone that I am
interested in, and yet it was this big freaky ordeal. Its like I am
controlled or programmed or something. I am a very active person and like
the company of men as well as women. I am not just going to have women
friends and yet I feel like I cant have men friends without some big fight
with my ex. In a way, I just wanted to see how I socialized with men
again... and it sucked... the way it went down... how nervous I became
everytime the phone rang. My ex is my best friend... and we are trying to
do the impossible I guess which is maintain the friendship and move on. But
he admitted today that he gets so jealous when I am with another guy. And
there is double standards happening too... like he has had girls come over
and tried to hit on them... so far he hasnt been successful but at least he
tries. I feel like I am not even allowed to try without some big ordeal.
He wont watch our kid on weekends. And has said that he does not want me to
have men at the house hanging out with our son. I told him that was
impossible since he only takes our son 6 hours a week while I work, and I
cant afford to get a babysitter to go meet someone. AHHHHH!

There is no way I could date being such a freak, walking the line like, I
am. I dont even really no how to back away from my friendship with my ex...
I know there needs to be some space so I can move on... I just dont know how
without totally loosing my friend, and I care for him. But this transition
is HARD and made harder by the fact that we are so close and I dont ever get
out. I almost wish he would hook up with someone to take some pressure off
me. He is also diagnosed bi-polar and has some horrible episodes, so in a
way, I am afraid of that too. I just dont want to rock the boat... keep the
peace. Is this possible or am I fooling myself?


  #2  
Old October 13th 04, 07:15 PM
lm
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Posts: n/a
Default

On Wed, 13 Oct 2004 12:14:48 -0600, "mapatchie"
wrote:

so yesterday I had this guy come up to the house (this is the first time a
friend who is male has been to my house without my ex.) I had this really
guilty feeling like I was cheating, and it didnt help that my ex kept
calling every hour. Sometimes I wouldnt answer but then that would look
like I was hiding something, so then I would talk to him and tell him that
the other guy (a mutual friend) was still here. It was awful! THERE WAS NO
REASON TO FEEL GUILTY OR SCARED this guy is not even someone that I am
interested in, and yet it was this big freaky ordeal. Its like I am
controlled or programmed or something. I am a very active person and like
the company of men as well as women. I am not just going to have women
friends and yet I feel like I cant have men friends without some big fight
with my ex. In a way, I just wanted to see how I socialized with men
again... and it sucked... the way it went down... how nervous I became
everytime the phone rang. My ex is my best friend... and we are trying to
do the impossible I guess which is maintain the friendship and move on. But
he admitted today that he gets so jealous when I am with another guy. And
there is double standards happening too... like he has had girls come over
and tried to hit on them... so far he hasnt been successful but at least he
tries. I feel like I am not even allowed to try without some big ordeal.
He wont watch our kid on weekends. And has said that he does not want me to
have men at the house hanging out with our son. I told him that was
impossible since he only takes our son 6 hours a week while I work, and I
cant afford to get a babysitter to go meet someone. AHHHHH!

There is no way I could date being such a freak, walking the line like, I
am. I dont even really no how to back away from my friendship with my ex...
I know there needs to be some space so I can move on... I just dont know how
without totally loosing my friend, and I care for him. But this transition
is HARD and made harder by the fact that we are so close and I dont ever get
out. I almost wish he would hook up with someone to take some pressure off
me. He is also diagnosed bi-polar and has some horrible episodes, so in a
way, I am afraid of that too. I just dont want to rock the boat... keep the
peace. Is this possible or am I fooling myself?


If someone else were standing in the way of your growth and happiness,
would you call them a friend?

You and your ex are co-parents. If you are still involved emotionally
to the extent that you appear to be, then you're not ready to date. If
you're not, then turn the phone off. He's controlling you but you're
letting him.

I agree with him about dates and your child -- you should go *out* to
date, not have dates at home. You're not the only parent who can't
afford a sitter -- find another parent and trade nights out.

lm
  #3  
Old October 13th 04, 08:53 PM
V
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"mapatchie" wrote in message
...
so yesterday I had this guy come up to the house (this is the first time a
friend who is male has been to my house without my ex.) I had this really
guilty feeling like I was cheating, and it didnt help that my ex kept
calling every hour. Sometimes I wouldnt answer but then that would look
like I was hiding something, so then I would talk to him and tell him that
the other guy (a mutual friend) was still here. It was awful! THERE WAS NO
REASON TO FEEL GUILTY OR SCARED snip


Go to couseling, seriously, to help resolve issues of guilt with your ex.
I wished I had gone sooner!
V


  #4  
Old October 14th 04, 05:34 PM
Karen O'Mara
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Posts: n/a
Default

"mapatchie" wrote in message ...
so yesterday I had this guy come up to the house (this is the first time a
friend who is male has been to my house without my ex.) I had this really
guilty feeling like I was cheating, and it didnt help that my ex kept
calling every hour. Sometimes I wouldnt answer but then that would look
like I was hiding something, so then I would talk to him and tell him that
the other guy (a mutual friend) was still here. It was awful! THERE WAS NO
REASON TO FEEL GUILTY OR SCARED this guy is not even someone that I am
interested in, and yet it was this big freaky ordeal. Its like I am
controlled or programmed or something. I am a very active person and like
the company of men as well as women. I am not just going to have women
friends and yet I feel like I cant have men friends without some big fight
with my ex. In a way, I just wanted to see how I socialized with men
again... and it sucked... the way it went down... how nervous I became
everytime the phone rang. My ex is my best friend... and we are trying to
do the impossible I guess which is maintain the friendship and move on. But
he admitted today that he gets so jealous when I am with another guy. And
there is double standards happening too... like he has had girls come over
and tried to hit on them... so far he hasnt been successful but at least he
tries. I feel like I am not even allowed to try without some big ordeal.
He wont watch our kid on weekends. And has said that he does not want me to
have men at the house hanging out with our son. I told him that was
impossible since he only takes our son 6 hours a week while I work, and I
cant afford to get a babysitter to go meet someone. AHHHHH!

There is no way I could date being such a freak, walking the line like, I
am. I dont even really no how to back away from my friendship with my ex...
I know there needs to be some space so I can move on... I just dont know how
without totally loosing my friend, and I care for him. But this transition
is HARD and made harder by the fact that we are so close and I dont ever get
out. I almost wish he would hook up with someone to take some pressure off
me. He is also diagnosed bi-polar and has some horrible episodes, so in a
way, I am afraid of that too. I just dont want to rock the boat... keep the
peace. Is this possible or am I fooling myself?


Your ex seems to be more involved in your personal life than you think
he should be. It seems like there a lot of emotional connection
between the two of you still. It almost seems like you're ready to
'overlap' relationships. I think you should work on really separating
yourself from him and him from you for a while. Making a healthy next
step will be good for all three of you... your son is really caught in
the middle on some control issues.

I don't think you should invite men over. Go out and socialize but
keep the home ground sacred. Your ex will feel comfortable with that
and your son doesn't need to be subjected to the involvement
evolvement that you're headed.

Karen
 




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