How did you decide?

"Leslie" wrote in message
...
As you say, only you can make the decision! I'm super-fertile and my
first
three just came when God sent them, so I never had to consider the kinds
of
questions you are asking, which mostly sound like the typical fears of
going
from one child to two. It IS hard at first, but well worth it. As for
the
particular questions:

1) Unwanted weaning of DD - she is VERY attached to the boobies and I
know
she'll be devastated at the lack of milk that will happen further into my
pg

I can't remember how old she is, but in some cases pregnancy kind of helps
with
weaning because as the milk dwindles she MAY lose interest. Or if she
doesn't,
she may well continue to nurse for comfort until the milk returns, which
is
what happened with my second.



Both of mine kind of lost interest at about 18 months. I initiated weaning,
but it took a day. I just never offered the breast again and they were like
'lalallala,let me go play with my toys". I was abandoned.

"CY" wrote in message
news:b5JNb.9027$Xq2.4005@fed1read07...
3) Energy during pg. My DD is v high need and I am so concerned about
what
will happen if I go on bedrest again like the last pg'y

I was on bedrest last time and I am on bedrest this time. DS is 2yo and
active. Right now, he goes to daycare on weekdays. DH takes him there and
they take him home at 1:30pm. Sometimes, DH picks him up. Luckily, DS naps
very well. He sleeps from the time he comes home until 5pm and I only have
to care for him on my own about 3 hours one day a week. I try to get him to
watch videos or play by himself or he comes over to play with me, but it's
not always easy. I do have to cheat and be a little more active than I
should, but the doctor gave me the okay to increase activity recently, so I
don't think I've done too much harm. I don't think bedrest and caring for a
toddler is something that can be done without help. After all this, DH will
not want anymore children as it's a bit stressful for him.

Ahh, so I know the decision is a personal one, but how do
you rationalize it???


A lot of the issues you bring up weren't of much concern for us because of #1's
age -- he'll be 3.5 when #2 is born, and it is astounding to me how much less
attention he needs now compared to a year, or even 6 months, ago. He also
doesn't nurse so much that pregnancy-induced weaning, if it happens, would be a
big problem for anyone. I don't recall how old your DD is, but some of your
concerns may be alleviated if you just wait a little longer. :-)

Although I do WOH, money is a worry -- paying for childcare for 2 kids is
daunting. But then, we felt the same way about paying for childcare for 1, and
we've managed. And co-sleeping with two is a problem because our bedroom is so
small; otherwise we'd just get a bigger bed! But DS was happy in a bassinet
for 6 months, so I can hope that the new baby will be also.

I used to think that I would have my kids about 2 years apart, I suppose just
because that's what I grew up with as normal. But I tell ya, the closer we got
to when we'd've had to ttc to accomplish that, the better and better a 3 year
gap sounded! It really is amazing how much difference a year or two makes; I
can't imagine coping with a younger toddler and a newborn at the same time, but
a preschooler and a newborn seems pretty manageable.

For whatever reason, both DH and I have always been sure we wanted a total of 2
kids, so it was never really a question of "whether" for us, only of "when."
Of course there are some advantages to being an only child, but both DH and I
value our relationships with our sisters and we wouldn't want to deprive our
own child of that same type of relationship. Sure, the older child loses some
parental attention when the second is born, but the older child also gains the
attention of a sibling. We believe it's a more than fair trade. But it is a
lot easier to think of it that way when the older child is 3 than when s/he's
18 months. :-)

Holly
Mom to Camden, almost 3
EDD #2 6/8/04

CY writes:
: OK, so I have been lurking at mkp for a few months and I think I am starting
: to think about ttc #2. But I am SO scared about it for many reasons:

: 1) Unwanted weaning of DD - she is VERY attached to the boobies and I know
: she'll be devastated at the lack of milk that will happen further into my pg

One good reason not to start ttc until the first is at least 18 mos. Now, we
broke this rule and Clara nursed straight through and continued to tandem
nurse, but you can't count on it.

: 2) Money and not returning to work for an additional 5 years

DH who makes enough to support family on one income. :-)

: 3) Energy during pg. My DD is v high need and I am so concerned about what
: will happen if I go on bedrest again like the last pg'y

Very supportive AP play group. OK. I know, lack of energy is a bitch, and
high need kids are hard, but seriously other mothers of kids the same age
can be a godsend.

: 4) DD having to share my attention with a sibling

Seriously, we have never had to deal with this one. In may experience all 2
and 3 yos spend 90% of their time lobbying for a little brother or sister.
And if you told them anything about where babies come from, they will tell
you exactly how to do it, too.

OK. Maybe that wasn't totally seriously, but we found that by "sharing"
the baby with the older sibling, we were able to delay the mayhem until
they were, say, 3 and 5 and the younger could hit back. :-)

: 5) Co-sleeping with 2????

Zoo. Seriously, we started the night with Clara in her own bed, and we
used the system where Monika nursed Niel in our bed, and Clara in her
own bed, and Clara was allowed in our bed after it got light out. I'm
not sure I would recommend it for anyone else, but it worked for us.
I think the important lesson of this is to be creative, you may need to
find a solution which is different from everyone elses.

: I know millions of bf'ing/AP'ing mamas have more than one kid, but how did
: you decide?

Simple: "I want another one." Consequences? We dealt with that later!

: I have also seen so many posts about how bf'ing #2 is so hard
: w/ a toddler running around and I am so pro-bf'ing that NOT nursing isn't a
: choice.

We never found that to be the case. Getting started was easier with Niel
than with Clara, and with tandem nursing there was no real problem.

: I am also prone to depression, though amazingly I suffered no PPD
: with DD, though I was on Prozac from before her birth till she was about 6
: ish month IIRC.

Monika had some depression before getting married to me, but it was never
diagnosed. It continued after she had Clara and Niel and she went on first
Paxil, then Celexa. Now, I don't think she has taken anything in about a
year and a half. I don't know if it is kids or what that "cured" it, but
over time it has gotten better.

: Ahh, so I know the decision is a personal one, but how do
: you rationalize it???

You readin' my words girl? :-) What's this "rationalize"? Let me be clear,
you go with your gut feeling, than "rationalize" later when it is too late
to do anything about it! :-)

: Argggh. Help!

Yes. I'm ready. What would you like me to do?

: CY

Good luck,
Larry

"Nina" wrote in message news:QLJNb.853with a
sibling
I never used contraception, so when #2 came, she came. I weaned #1 because
my breasts hurt so bad, thats how I found out I was pregnant.

This is what I am afraid of. I dont want to wean her due to MY pain, I want
it to be her choice.

I never saw having a new baby as making him share me, but as providing him
with a sister.

That's a good way to look at it.

To me, the best thing u can give a child is a family, when I am gone
all they will have is each other.

Well, I don't exactly see it that way as my own sister is a PIA and I have
my *own* family now!

Its good for kids to learn to share mommy.

Yeah I guess so, but I worry that it will be hard on her.


I coslept with all my kiddies, for a while there were 4 of in bed. Since i
sleep holding my babies, the presence of a toddler wansnt a problem or he
could just sleep on the other side of his fther and not near me. It never
was a big deal.

Well, co-sleeping with even one is a big deal for us as we only have a queen
size bed and don't have the money for a bigger one! (We solved it by side
carring in the crib).

Thanks for your input!

CY

"Di " wrote in message
...
On Thu, 15 Jan 2004 20:43:04 -0700, "CY"
wrote:
How old is your DD? My DD
is 21 months old and drinks tons of milk and water aside from MM.


She is 23 months and drinks mainly MM, though she is starting to eat more
"real food" now.

Money is something that needs to be dealt with anyway and always.

Yep, and always will be a problem for us!


Again I am facing possible bed rest with a high energy toddler. We
will work that out when we come to it - this may also depend on the
age of your little one. The last two where fairly low on my worries,
DD is night weaned so she will sleep next to DH and as well as me and
that is what we will do with her when #2 arrives.

DD is not night weaned, though I am completely open to tandem nursing if I
can take the pain of nursing through pg.

The sharing
attention she would have to learn at any point there is a second child
around - I'm not sure how we will deal with it but we will work out
something .


Wish I could feel that way - maybe I am not quite ready yet?

Di

Thanks!

CY

I'm with Holly in that I thought the spacing between dd1 and dd2 was
wonderful. They were three years apart and dd1 was able to understand when I
said that the baby needed tending to. She was a wonderful help to me. She
also could keep herself occupied for stretches of time. The ages between dd2
and dd3 is 18 months honestly has not been that great of an experience for
me. I felt like I missed much of dd2 babyhood and even toddlerhood because
I was pregnant and tired and then when dd3 was born. The longer you wait,
the chances of your daughter weaning is better so you don't have to deal
with tandeming, unless of course this was something you wanted to do (I
didn't). Money is always an issue, so we just decided to go for it. We knew
we wanted at least two children, so when was the question. As for working,
well I'm in the minority that I think it is easier to work when the children
are babies before they get to school and it's harder to work out of the
house once they are in school. This doesn't apply to us because I work at
home. But, I just cannot imagine what we would do if I worked out of the
house with our school-age children (I know plenty that do, but it's not for
me and God willing, I won't have to experience that). There are way too many
things they are involved for me to work outside the home. There are too many
days off school, too many 1/2 days to deal with and then of course there are
sick days. At least with a baby, you don't have to worry about schooling and
latchkey.
I didn't co-sleep so that wasn't a problem. The babies did sleep in a
bassinet in our room for the first six months and then to their own room. It
was never a problem for us or the kids. As far as sharing your attention,
well it can be hard, but it's doable. You learn to cope and so does the
child. If no one puts in your daughter's mind that it would be a bad thing
to share your attention and only the good aspects of having a sibling are
put into your daughter's head, then it shouldn't be a problem. And finally,
I agree with Leslie, in that I don't think your ready, but when you are you
know it. )
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

CY wrote in message
news:b5JNb.9027$Xq2.4005@fed1read07...
OK, so I have been lurking at mkp for a few months and I think I am
starting
to think about ttc #2. But I am SO scared about it for many reasons:

1) Unwanted weaning of DD - she is VERY attached to the boobies and I know
she'll be devastated at the lack of milk that will happen further into my
pg

2) Money and not returning to work for an additional 5 years

3) Energy during pg. My DD is v high need and I am so concerned about
what
will happen if I go on bedrest again like the last pg'y

4) DD having to share my attention with a sibling

5) Co-sleeping with 2????

I know millions of bf'ing/AP'ing mamas have more than one kid, but how did
you decide? I have also seen so many posts about how bf'ing #2 is so hard
w/ a toddler running around and I am so pro-bf'ing that NOT nursing isn't
a
choice. I am also prone to depression, though amazingly I suffered no PPD
with DD, though I was on Prozac from before her birth till she was about 6
ish month IIRC. Ahh, so I know the decision is a personal one, but how do
you rationalize it???

Argggh. Help!

CY

"Leslie" wrote in message
...

I can't remember how old she is, but in some cases pregnancy kind of helps
with
weaning because as the milk dwindles she MAY lose interest. Or if she
doesn't,
she may well continue to nurse for comfort until the milk returns, which
is
what happened with my second.


She's 23 months and I am scared that it will be too painful to nurse her and
it would be so hard for everyone if I had to say no to her. My nipples were
super sensitive in my pregnancy last time.


2) Money and not returning to work for an additional 5 years

If we worried about that, we'd never have had any kids at all. ;-) We
never
have enough money but we manage. And if you have another now, you shorten
the
total amount of time you aren't working. What if you don't do it now but
then
decide you really want a baby a couple of years down the road? Then you'd
be
off a lot more years total. And your second baby will be cheaper because
you'll already have a lot of stuff.

Yeah, good point!



3) Energy during pg. My DD is v high need and I am so concerned about
what
will happen if I go on bedrest again like the last pg'y

Do you have friends and family who could help if that happened again? I
must
say that my most recent pregnancy, when my youngest was five, was so
wonderful
because I could say, "I'm tired, I'm taking a npa," and they would just
watch
t.v. until I got up. That's impossible with a toddler!

I have no family nearby, only one best friend who works/goes to school. And
DH works of course.




4) DD having to share my attention with a sibling

That's good for her, in the long run, IMO. It's harder for the mom to
learn
how to split the attention, IME.

Another good point!



FWIW, that wasn't my experience. How is it harder than giving a bottle?
At
least you have one hand free. And you could learn to nurse in a sling.


Can do that already. And bottle feeding just isn't a choice in my house. I
just refuse to do it. It's mainly the time it will take to nurse, but the
sling thing is a good idea.


Chances are if you didn't have it before you won't have it this time.

Yeah but I was medicated last time!

I think maybe you aren't quite ready yet. I could be wrong, but I'm not
sure
it would be so hard to decide if you were.

Yes I think you are right. Have only just started to get the urges - I have
to get back on Pre-natal vitamins and lose a little weight so it won't be
JUST yet, but not too much longer as I don't want the age gap to be more
than 3 years if I can help it...

Thanks for responding...

CY

I will always urge pregant moms who have a nursing child NOT to wean. You
never know what you'll be handed. Even if your new baby does not have
problems
nursing, it is so nice to have a knowlegeable nurser to help with
engorgement!
Plus, if they can both nurse and you can stand it, you can have a "lapful
of
love" and nurse both at the same time.


Yes, I WANT to tandem nurse, but I am afraid that it will be too painful to
nurse through the sore nipples of pg'y. That's what I meant!! I love your
story! Thanks for posting!

CY

DD is not night weaned, though I am completely open to tandem nursing if I
can take the pain of nursing through pg.


Unfortunately you can't know ahead of time how bad it will be for you. I'm
finding that my nipples are definitely sore now and I don't really enjoy DS
nursing -- but it's manageable, especially since he's down to once every 2-3
days (having DH take over the bedtime routine when I was so tired and going to
bed really early during the first trimester pushed that along, I think, but it
certainly hasn't been traumatic for DS -- like I said, he's at an age where one
might expect him to start weaning anyway).

Anyway, I'll be fine with tandemning if DS hasn't completely weaned by the time
the baby is born, and I won't be surprised if he actually shows renewed
interest. In a way I'm sort of hoping he does.

At least I'm pretty confident that this time I won't have horrifyingly awful
nipple cracks for months and months like I had with DS. My nipples aren't flat
any more. :-) Since I didn't have any pain at all until about 16 weeks, I
figure that at worst, nursing during pregnancy will be easier to endure and
will last less time than the nipple cracks I had last time. And I coped with
that. :-)

Holly
Mom to Camden, almost 3
EDD #2 6/8/04