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Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)



 
 
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  #11  
Old August 15th 03, 12:25 AM
Missy in Indiana
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Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

Oh, (((Andrea))). I'm so sorry you have added all this additional "Parent
Guilt" on your shoulders. You are *not* a bad Mommy! Say it out loud!

Keep in mind that my girls are just over two so it's not like I have a wealth
of experience But, I believe this is expected. You said yourself that they
typically say, "please" and "thank you". (I insist on this as well.) From
what I gathered, I assume this is just simply a bad day or phase. It's bound
to happen as they learn to assert their independence or test their boundaries.


I haven't read all your replies, so maybe you've gotten all the advice you
need/want. At 2yo, there may be a whole different set of rules compared to
3yo. I apparently wouldn't know With that said, I agree that I wouldn't
have pushed the "say, hi" thing either. (I would have been very disappointed
like you, though, so I understand.) It's just not a battle that would have
been worth it after all stress you just dealt with to get out the door.

As far as the dinner goes, I would have just apologized to my friend and
explained we are working on our manners and behavior and need to leave so they
will understand it's not acceptable. I take the girls out to dinner by myself
all the time and I have had to leave rarely - but it seems to stick with them.
When I'm with Rich, one of us takes them outside and works it out. If it's
just a really bad day, we leave.

Hang in there. I really "felt" for you as I think we can all understand the
frustration and worry. The simple fact that you care means to me that you are
a good mom! I also don't think your kids are "bad" kids. They are good kids
who had a bad day...they're just simply normal. Stay on top of it and make
sure they know it's not acceptable and there are boundaries. Those boundaries,
IMO, show them you love them

Sorry so long, but I couldn't get a hug over the screen and it sounds like you
could use it

Missy
Missy in Indiana http://hometown.aol.com/mhrust/overviewforng.html
Morgan Olivia & Julia Lucille 4/28/01 (YAY!)


  #12  
Old August 15th 03, 04:42 AM
middletree
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Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)


"Julie Seely" wrote in message

Okay, a word from the other side of the fence. First, I will say that I
value politeness and respect in kids, and expect it from my own kids,
and notice it from others'. But when my kids were little and just
learning to talk, and had a very limited vocabulary, I'd be *darned* if
I was going to waste a few of those precious words on "please", "thank
you", "excuse me" etc. I wanted real, meaningful words that actually
told me something about why they were crying or what they wanted. If
there wasn't a please tacked on, I wasn't going to sweat it. \



I agree, but I should have been more clear about what I have been doing. I
am asking them for the "please " when they whine, first thing. That is,
Jacob, especially, has a tendency to, when he wants his milk or juice,
immediately look at the refrigerator and start whining, and doing the "J"
sound (he thinks milk and juice are one and the same, so he's asking for
juice). I am trying to break him of that by saying that there is a better
way of asking for things. He catches on real quick.

But under the scenario you describe, if they ask for something somewhat
nicely but leave the "please" or "thank you" off, I'm likely to not make a
big deal out of it.


  #14  
Old August 15th 03, 10:25 PM
Andrea
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Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

My girls are three also and yesterday Dana got a hold of a scissors and cut
Rhiannon's hair!


OMG!! :{ I'm soooo afraid that my two will do the same. They didn't use
scissors in their preschool class last year, but will be using them this year,
so I just hope their teachers keep a good eye on them.

I'm glad your dh caught Dana before the damage was severe. Is it cut in the
front or back?

Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
3 yrs. old
  #15  
Old August 15th 03, 11:28 PM
NBennett
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Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

I have a routine with my daughter. I tell her what should she should do or
stop doing 3 times.
The first time as it occurs to me. I try to give her an explanation or any
other facts that are pertinent to the request. The second time I make sure I
have her attention and I speak clearly. The third time, if she still
refuses, I swing into action. I take away any item in question or I remove
her from the scene, quickly and without fanfare. I have paid for meals in
restaurants and left without eating them. I have left family dinners. She
has been picked up and brought home from friends' houses. My objective in
removing her is twofold - 1 - it shows her that I'm not kidding and no
matter how much I am enjoying myself, her behaviour makes it impossible to
continue and we leave. I won't be held hostage to the fact that other people
are watching. Once I decide to leave, no amount of backtracking on her part
affects the decision. We go home and she spends time in her room. The second
point is just as important. 2 - I will not subject my friends or even
strangers to a badly behaved child. It is not pleasant to be around a kid
who is saucy, or backtalking or screaming. I don't feel it's fair to make
others put up with it while I argue and negotiate with my child. This
approach means I miss some stuff I would like to do/see, and my daughter
misses stuff I would like her to do/see. I figure this is part and parcel of
being a parent. No one said it would be all fun. I've been doing this since
she was about 2 or 3. Now she is 12. We very seldom have this problem, but
when we do, I can't physically remove her from the scene. So, if she argues
and won't agree to leave with me, I leave without her ( only if we're
somewhere safe for her). She gets the message that I don't want to be seen
with her while she's behaving this way. It's not acceptable.
Most of the time I am proud of her behaviour and manners and am happy to
take her places and be seen with her. I always comment on it so she has
positive re-enforcement. She's a pleasure to spend time with.
Works for us.

Nancy (lurker with just a singleton)


"Andrea" wrote in message
...
Judging from my children's behavior today, I feel like I must be in dire

need
of some serious parenting help. I don't know what to do. I'm hoping that
someone here can give me some advice.

I took Jordan & Madison with me to a Kelly's Kids show at a friend's house

so I
could make sure I ordered the right size dresses for them. My friend took

them
up to her daughter's playroom so they could play while I looked around.

When
it was time to go I told them to clean up because we had to go visit their
cousin. They both threw tantrums. They were screaming and crying and

wouldn't
clean up. We finally got the playroom cleaned up and went downstairs. I

told
them to say "thank you" to my friend for letting them play in the

playroom.
They refused to say it. I thanked her, and since I didn't want to cause
another scene or get into a power struggle I didn't push the issue. When

we
were walking out I saw another friend of mine, whom Jordan & Madison also

know.
She said hello to them and I told them to reply by telling her hi. They
pouted and refused to say it and Madison even told me "NO!" By this time

I was
completely mortified. Of course there were about 5 other people there

that I
also know, who were witnessing my kids' belligerence.

When we got to the car I told the girls that I was disappointed in their
behavior and that they should have thanked Miss Jamie for letting them

play and
told Miss Cindy hello when she spoke to them. In the past I have told

them
over and over that they need to say "hi" when someone says hello to them.

etc.,
etc.

Afterwards we were having lunch with a friend of mine at Applebees. When

we
got inside the girls saw they had balloons and they started yelling to

the
hostess "I want a red balloon!" "I want a blue balloon!" I told them

they
were being rude and that they needed to say "please" and ask nicely. Once
again I was completely mortified. I realize they're still young, but I

don't
speak to people this way and they know they're not supposed to speak to

people
like that either! I was completely shocked. I thought about telling them

they
weren't going to get a balloon, but after I corrected them they did ask

the
hostess again politely.

So we're sitting down in the restaurant and the girls are being sooooo

loud.
My friend and I keep telling them to use their inside voices, but they
continued to be loud. Then they started fighting over the crayons and

trying
to kick each other under the table! Jordan started grabbing all the

crayons so
that Madison couldn't have any and at that point I took her to the

restroom and
had a chat with her. She started screaming and crying as soon as I picked

her
up from the table and we had to stay in the restroom for about 15 minutes

until
she settled down and was ready to listen. I would have taken them & left

the
restauraunt if my friend had not been with us. After that their behavior
improved somewhat.

Then tonight after I had bathed them and washed their hair Madison went

into
the bathroom and brushed her teeth by herself, got water and toothpaste
everywhere, and ate I don't know how much toothpaste (according to her it

was
"a lot"). There was blue toothpaste all in her hair, on her pajamas, the
mirror, sink, and counters. We've told her over and over that she needs a
grown-up to help her brush her teeth and that she's not supposed to eat

the
toothpaste. I thought it was out of her reach, but apparently I was

wrong.

So anyway, Dh reads the tube and says that it states we should call Poison
Control if it's been ingested. So I called them (Madison's name's already

on
file with them) and they said to make her drink 6-8 oz. of milk and to

check on
her every 15-30 minutes for the next 6 hours. The woman said Madison

would
probably end up with a stomach ache and to call her back if she started
throwing up excessively. So far she's been fine (knock wood).

Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with rude behavior in public?

If
we had been at home I would have told them to do to time-out in their

rooms
until they were ready to be nice, but I am obviously having trouble

dealing
with this type of behavior in public. We go out to eat for lunch once or

twice
per week, so eating in a restaurant is not a new experience for them and I
think it's important that they learn to behave in that setting. I don't

expect
them to sit there silently and use impeccable table manners, but I do

think
they should be able to act somewhat civilized. I always bring crayons or
something for them to do quietly while we are waiting for our food, but

this
isn't helping. Any suggestions? I feel like a parental failure today.



Thank You,
Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
3/22/00



  #16  
Old August 16th 03, 01:21 AM
Andrea
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Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

Aren't you the one with the MIL who takes care of the spontaneous haircuts
for
you?


ROTFL!! You're right, I should be more worried about my MIL than my
children, shouldn't I?!! LOL!

Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
3 yrs. old
 




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