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pregnant 17 year old



 
 
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  #1  
Old October 4th 05, 05:54 PM
Chris
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old

My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together. He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family) is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?


  #2  
Old October 4th 05, 06:26 PM
V.
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Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old


Chris wrote:
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together. He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family) is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?


There are independent living programs for teenagers, and even more for
teenage mothers. You can access these either through religious groups
or through private agencies. She will also qualify for WIC and other
welfare type programs (and will get more if she lives apart from you).
In my state it's called TANF (temporary aid to needy families), but
your state may differ.
Google terms like "teen mother program", "independent living program",
"homeless youth outreach" (they'd be able to let you know what options
are available in your area). Check out your state's website for
programs for teen moms.
She can access these kinds of programs whether she is planning to
parent or considering adoption (although it sounds like she wants to
parent). There are communtiy supports available for teen couples who
are parenting and live on their own. I've worked with teen parents
before, and IMHO they stand a better chance of being good parents and
forming a family of their own if they do live on their own with
supports. Often teen parents/couples that live with family end up not
learning how to do the parenting themselves or how to be their own
family. Actually, a good place to access a resource list would be your
local WIC office. http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/ Also, many maternity
units at hospitals have social workers especially for teen moms,
low-income moms, etc.
HTH,
Amy

  #3  
Old October 4th 05, 07:42 PM
oregonchick
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old


"Chris" wrote in message
news:Fsy0f.139$UF4.76@fed1read02...
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live together.
He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this
one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and
has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will
not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family)
is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?


Your first priority is to yourself and your own family.


  #4  
Old October 5th 05, 04:41 PM
alath
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old

You're not going to be able to convince a mother to withdraw support
from her daughter when her daughter is in need.

Your stepdaughter was being irresponsible by getting pregnant with no
ability to support herself and her baby. Your wife is being a mother,
by stepping in to help her daughter when she has done something
irresponsible.

Sometimes mothers need to kick in with "tough love," to set boundaries
and conditions, but that doesn't usually translate into kicking one's
pregnant daughter out on the street.

If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage
hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will need to get
some kind of professional counseling help and you will have to
recognize that you may have to give in on some things, have to accept
things you don't like, and have to give up the habit of making
unilateral pronouncements on family decisions (like, "I informed both
of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here"). You
also need to recognize that when you marry a woman who has kids, her
kids become part of your family.

If you are not serious about saving your marriage, go ahead and end it
now. The longer you keep "hanging by a thread" without a strong
committment to your marriage and your family, the more you are just
another problem for these people.

  #5  
Old October 7th 05, 01:24 PM
Chris
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old

For starters, thank you very much for your response! Now, I will respond,
with all due respect, to your post below.

"alath" wrote in message
ups.com...
You're not going to be able to convince a mother to withdraw support
from her daughter when her daughter is in need.


Seems to me that such "support" will do more harm than good in the long run.


Your stepdaughter was being irresponsible by getting pregnant with no
ability to support herself and her baby.


And it is I who most likely will pay the penalty for such
irresponsibility..... not her.

Your wife is being a mother,
by stepping in to help her daughter when she has done something
irresponsible.


Isn't that the role of the (baby's) father?


Sometimes mothers need to kick in with "tough love," to set boundaries
and conditions, but that doesn't usually translate into kicking one's
pregnant daughter out on the street.


A long time ago, I made the offer of allowing (ONLY) her daughter to live
here after she becomes an adult ONLY if she respects both me and the home
(more specifically the rules of the house). Does this sound unreasonable to
you?


If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage
hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so.


To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment to her
daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will need to get
some kind of professional counseling help and you will have to
recognize that you may have to give in on some things, have to accept
things you don't like, and have to give up the habit of making
unilateral pronouncements on family decisions (like, "I informed both
of them the first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here").


So does my wife make the "unilateral pronouncements" on family decisions, or
am I living in a democracy where the votes of my wife and her child
outnumber mine?

You
also need to recognize that when you marry a woman who has kids, her
kids become part of your family.


Even though her kid informed me (again today) in no uncertain terms that she
will have NOTHING to do with me?


If you are not serious about saving your marriage, go ahead and end it
now.


Not interested.

The longer you keep "hanging by a thread" without a strong
committment to your marriage and your family, the more you are just
another problem for these people.


My committment to my marriage is probably stronger than your committment to
a marriage is or would be based upon your above statement "....and rightly
so.". Additionally, it is not I who has shaved down the fabric of our
marriage. But I must agree with you that I probably am "just another problem
for these people".




  #6  
Old October 7th 05, 02:23 PM
Chris
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old


"oregonchick" wrote in message
...

"Chris" wrote in message
news:Fsy0f.139$UF4.76@fed1read02...
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did

not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the

first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves

out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live

together.
He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this
one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and
has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will
not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family)
is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our

troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?


Your first priority is to yourself and your own family.


That's what I thought when I said "in good times and in bad times, till
death....".
Thank you!





  #7  
Old October 7th 05, 02:26 PM
Chris
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old


"V." wrote in message
oups.com...

Chris wrote:
My stepdaughter decided to get pregnant again. The first pregnancy did

not
come to term. She will be 18 next month. Her mother prefers to have her
continue to live in our home even though I informed both of them the

first
time around that I refused to allow a second family to live here. Mother
claims that she will not be able to make it financially if she moves

out.
The father claims that he will help out and that they will live

together. He
was dead against the first pregnancy, but now agrees to help with this

one.
(change of heart?)

Although she carries a part time job, her daughter is basically lazy and

has
no concern for personal/financial responsibility. The reason why I will

not
allow a second family to live here is because my marriage (first family)

is
already hanging on a thread. Another family will only add to our

troubles,
not to mention that we cannot afford to support another family.

Any suggestions?


There are independent living programs for teenagers, and even more for
teenage mothers. You can access these either through religious groups
or through private agencies. She will also qualify for WIC and other
welfare type programs (and will get more if she lives apart from you).


Doesn't make sense to me, but at least it's to our advantage.

In my state it's called TANF (temporary aid to needy families), but
your state may differ.


My wife informs me that she is already getting some kind of medical welfare
assistance and just now told me that she has a WIC appointment today.
However, she also informs me that the waiting list for Section 8 (HUD) is
over THREE years! What good is that for someone who needs it now? Seems to
me that housing assistance is the highest priority since it generally costs
more than the other necessities. I know absolutely nothing about welfare,
except that I have to pay an awful lot to support such programs. Now you
know why I can not afford to support her daughter and baby.

Google terms like "teen mother program", "independent living program",
"homeless youth outreach" (they'd be able to let you know what options
are available in your area). Check out your state's website for
programs for teen moms.


Will definitely check these out!

She can access these kinds of programs whether she is planning to
parent or considering adoption (although it sounds like she wants to
parent).


Her mother says that she is unable to care for herself. Based on that, I
concluded that since she is unable to care for herself, then she is unable
to care for her baby, thus adoption is the answer. But her child says "no
way"! Am I wrong?

There are communtiy supports available for teen couples who
are parenting and live on their own. I've worked with teen parents
before, and IMHO they stand a better chance of being good parents and
forming a family of their own if they do live on their own with
supports. Often teen parents/couples that live with family end up not
learning how to do the parenting themselves or how to be their own
family.


I agree!

Actually, a good place to access a resource list would be your
local WIC office. http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/


I briefly looked over the site and noticed the "poor diet" requirement. I
can certainly give testimony to that. Not a big fan of government handouts,
but at least these benefits appear to be actual food products as opposed to
cash which is often used to purchase narcotics, alcohol, and lottery
tickets. A step in the right direction. I will review the site in more
detail.

Also, many maternity
units at hospitals have social workers especially for teen moms,
low-income moms, etc.
HTH,
Amy


Thank you Amy. I will pass all this information on to my wife and
stepdaughter.
Just curious, the father was a legal adult at the time of BOTH conceptions.
Are there statutory rape laws or is that just my imagination?




  #8  
Old October 7th 05, 03:28 PM
Nikki
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old

Chris wrote:
For starters, thank you very much for your response! Now, I will
respond, with all due respect, to your post below.

"alath" wrote in message
ups.com...


If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage
hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so.


To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment
to her daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband?


Can't speak for Alath but I would pick my children over my husband, who is
their actual bio father. I'm not saying her decision to support her
daughter by giving her a place to live is right or wrong but that many
parents would pick their children over anyone else. I suspect my husband
would pick the kids over me if an issue arose where he felt he had to pick.
I hope he would.

So does my wife make the "unilateral pronouncements" on family
decisions, or am I living in a democracy where the votes of my wife
and her child outnumber mine?


It seems that you are the one wanting to make the unilateral pronouncement.
The person you are not considering is the baby. Your wife is most likely
not only thinking of her daughter but what might be best for her grandchild.
Perhaps you need to focus on ways of supporting this young girl for the
first year in your home. She can finish highschool, find a job or arrange
secondary education, be old enough to sign a lease. Everyone should know
upfront that this is a temporary arrangement and that she'll move at some
predetermined time. Then you and your wife may be able to agree on
reasonable ways of supporting her outside her home when she has half a
chance of being successful. Being underage, under educated, under employed,
single, and having a newborn is not a great set up for being terrible
successful. Unless you want to run the risk of having her on your doorstep
with a 3yo in an ever bigger mess then she is in now I would help her get
started on the right foot.

I wouldn't worry about statutory rape charges against the father but I'd
sure as heck make legal proceedings to get child support from him part of
the deal.

--
Nikki
Hunter 4/99
Luke 4/01
EDD 4/06


  #9  
Old October 7th 05, 06:34 PM
Chris
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old


"Nikki" wrote in message
...
Chris wrote:
For starters, thank you very much for your response! Now, I will
respond, with all due respect, to your post below.

"alath" wrote in message
ups.com...


If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage
hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so.


To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment
to her daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband?


Can't speak for Alath but I would pick my children over my husband, who is
their actual bio father. I'm not saying her decision to support her
daughter by giving her a place to live is right or wrong but that many
parents would pick their children over anyone else. I suspect my husband
would pick the kids over me if an issue arose where he felt he had to

pick.
I hope he would.


Not me. My comittment is to my wife FIRST and foremost!


So does my wife make the "unilateral pronouncements" on family
decisions, or am I living in a democracy where the votes of my wife
and her child outnumber mine?


It seems that you are the one wanting to make the unilateral

pronouncement.
The person you are not considering is the baby.


That's correct. Depending on which court you choose, legally no baby exists;
and she will be a legal adult before such baby exists.

Your wife is most likely
not only thinking of her daughter but what might be best for her

grandchild.

Perhaps in her opinion; one that I do not share.


Perhaps you need to focus on ways of supporting this young girl for the
first year in your home. She can finish highschool, find a job or arrange
secondary education, be old enough to sign a lease.


Already graduated and will be a legal adult in less than a month.

Everyone should know
upfront that this is a temporary arrangement and that she'll move at some
predetermined time. Then you and your wife may be able to agree on
reasonable ways of supporting her outside her home when she has half a
chance of being successful. Being underage, under educated, under

employed,
single, and having a newborn is not a great set up for being terrible
successful. Unless you want to run the risk of having her on your

doorstep
with a 3yo in an ever bigger mess then she is in now I would help her get
started on the right foot.


That's all well and good, but I am unwilling (and ever closer to being
unable) to borrow money to support her and her family. And that IS a
unilateral pronouncement. If she can make an adult choice, then she can be
held accountable for the adult responsibilities/consequences that ride with
such choice. Am I wrong?


I wouldn't worry about statutory rape charges against the father


Uhuh. This man molested her child and now ALL THREE of us are faced with a
major upset in our life, not to mention my marriage is further in peril
related specifically to this situation!

but I'd
sure as heck make legal proceedings to get child support from him part of
the deal.


My guess is that's her option, and as a young adult she will be SOLELY
responsible to make the decision.

[ note: you were probably unaware of her soon to be legal status change,
thus some of your statements.]


--
Nikki
Hunter 4/99
Luke 4/01
EDD 4/06




  #10  
Old October 7th 05, 07:24 PM
Ericka Kammerer
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default pregnant 17 year old

Chris wrote:
"Nikki" wrote in message
...

Chris wrote:


"alath" wrote in message
groups.com...


If you ask your wife to choose between her daughter and her "marriage
hanging by a thread" husband, her daughter will win, and rightly so.

To understand you correctly, are you saying that a woman's commitment
to her daughter ought to trump her commitment to her husband?


Can't speak for Alath but I would pick my children over my husband, who is
their actual bio father. I'm not saying her decision to support her
daughter by giving her a place to live is right or wrong but that many
parents would pick their children over anyone else. I suspect my husband
would pick the kids over me if an issue arose where he felt he had to
pick.
I hope he would.


Not me. My comittment is to my wife FIRST and foremost!


Your wife is an adult and can take care of herself,
and your marriage is an agreement the two of you entered into
independently and with informed consent. A child doesn't ask
to be born and requires the love, attention, and support of
parents. Parents *owe* that to their children. A spouse
who doesn't get that is a poor parent and worse spouse for
forcing his or her spouse to renege on an absolute
commitment that is owed to the child, even when the going
gets rough.
One can argue whether the appropriate way to help
the child is by bringing the child and her baby (and
boyfriend?) into the home or whether it's more appropriate
to help in some other way. It is *NOT* negotiable that
the parent must do right by the child, whether it's
convenient or not and whether the current spouse is
willing to be inconvenienced or not. People who love
and support one another do not force each other into
reneging on their responsibilities because it's
inconvenient. There is a higher moral obligation to
one's child, who is dependent and didn't ask to be
brought into the world, than there is to one's spouse.

That's all well and good, but I am unwilling (and ever closer to being
unable) to borrow money to support her and her family. And that IS a
unilateral pronouncement. If she can make an adult choice, then she can be
held accountable for the adult responsibilities/consequences that ride with
such choice. Am I wrong?


You are not wrong to recognize your financial limitations
or other objective limits. You are wrong when you seem to think
that the only way to handle this situation is to tell the
daughter to get out and don't let the door hit her in the butt
on the way out. You are also wrong if you think that laying
down an ultimatum for your wife is going to strengthen your
marriage. You need to negotiate your way through this, and
the starting point needs to be thinking about what is best
for the daughter (and unborn child). That may or may not
be supporting them entirely in your home, but that's what
the discussion should be about, not your ultimatums that
your wife better ditch the girl or you'll throw a hissy fit.

I wouldn't worry about statutory rape charges against the father


Uhuh. This man molested her child and now ALL THREE of us are faced with a
major upset in our life, not to mention my marriage is further in peril
related specifically to this situation!


So you think having the father in jail is going to
improve the odds that your step-daughter will be successful
in becoming a self-sufficient adult and parent? Seems to
me it would have exactly the opposite effect.

but I'd
sure as heck make legal proceedings to get child support from him part of
the deal.


My guess is that's her option, and as a young adult she will be SOLELY
responsible to make the decision.


Well, yes, she'll probably need to agree to get
that in place, but she'll probably have to do that anyway
to get support from the government. It would certainly
be a reasonable topic of discussion to insist that the
father be held accountable in order for you and your wife
to also help out. You can negotiate through these things.
I'm sure it's *easier* for you to just wash your hands of
the whole affair and tell your wife to lump it, but that's
not likely to be the *right* solution, in the short run
*or* the long run, and certainly if you want to strengthen
your marriage.

Best wishes,
Ericka
 




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