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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but needhelp!)



 
 
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  #81  
Old May 21st 04, 05:03 AM
zolw
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Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, butneed help!)

I am not sure why everyone is still stuck on the ultra sound issue. I
have already explained that it seemed to me that most drs give 2
ultrasounds. Now that I know they don't I do not want another
ultrasound. I just want to be certain that my child is alright.

I just want to make sure that my sister's problems do not repeat. & I am
sure unless he is a fortune teller or has some magic abilities, external
examination is not accurate.

I also feel that so far into my pregnancy it will actually be
inconvenient for me to start shopping for another dr. Especially that
there is no guarante that the next dr I see won't be exactly the same
way. I will probably have to put up with what I believe to be not proper
care giving. I do not care if he is an OB or a midwife, there is ABC
treating other people. He can not always treat me like he is doing me a
favor. Actually he gets paid much more than his service deserves & he
should have the decency to treat his patients better. I am not asking
him to sit there & hug me or comfort me but he can smile every now &
then, he can listen to me when i have questions (instead he gives me
those patronising looks. I even caught myself sometimes apologizing for
having questions, which is real sad).

I thought about this whole issue & I do not believe that I have any
unrealistic needs or expectations. Maybe here in the US drs think that
they can treat patients like dummies, but where I come from drs are
obligated to treat you well & give you some emotional support, as
wellas, explain if you ask for explanations. It is not unrealistic.

I never said I wanted more tests, if they were unneccessary. I had to
tell you all the tests I had, so that you readers have a better image &
then you can just tell me if it's normal or not. BUT I need my dr to
tell me things. When I ask him about any plans (that are not within the
time between an appointment & the next) he does not feel the urgency to
answer them. He just says that when the time comes he will discuss it
with me. Yeah, I must admit that some questions were way too much into
the future, but there is nothing called too early.

For example, when i asked him about contraceptions after I have the baby
(I thought that if I put a loop ( no idea what these are called in the
US) then it would be done right after delivery). I hadn't even mentioned
to him what kind of contraception i had in mind & he just said that I
will come back 6 weeks after delivery & discuss it. Why couldn't we
discuss it then? Why can't I have ideas & options now, so that 6 weeks
after my delivery i would have a certainty of what I want? When i tried
to take it further, he just frowned (or maybe he just has a problem with
his facial impressions & gestures) at me & said that I am impatient.

  #82  
Old May 21st 04, 05:06 AM
zolw
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Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, butneed help!)

What expectations do i have that are so unrealistic? A dr that answers
my questions & doesn't brush me off? A dr that doesn't patronize me? If
I have concerns (with every right to have them, taking my family history
into consideration), he needs to address them. NOT IGNORE THEM!

I think you people donh't really know what my expectations are. It is
not about getting some tests or having a touchy feely dr. It is about
working with a person that treats you like a person, not just another
check in his bank account.

Donna wrote:

"Cathy Weeks" wrote in message
om...


The reason I think of them as employees, is that the final
decision-mkaer regarding my body is me. If I'm pregnant, then the
final decision-makers regarding the baby are myself and my husband.
Doctors, and other health-care professions are people that I pay to
give me good advice. So if a doctor gives me information, and I
follow that advice, and something goes wrong, then I actually share
some of the responsibility for it going wrong, because ultimately I
went along with the doctor's advice.



An in my terribly humble opinion, you have *exactly* the right attitude.
So whether you call it a Boss/Employee relationship, or I call it a
collegial relationship, I think we're talking about exactly the same thing.
Tomayto/tomahto.


I first started feeling this way when my father had cancer. He didn't
want to be told his "chances" and told his oncologist that. He was
worried that it would just get him down, and everything we had read
suggested that the right attitude in fighting cancer was key (people
who actively fought the cancer tended to live longer, and had a higher
cure rate). His doctor ignored his wishes, and told him anyway. He
also made it clear that he had little faith in the "mental" aspects of
fighting cancer, and wasn't supportive of Dad's using mental-health
professionals for guided imagery and stuff like that. Eventually, when
Dad was in the depths of chemo and radiation, he fired his doctor, and
picked the doctor in the practice who was known to be the most
friendly toward working hand-in-hand with psychologists.



Excellent choices your dad made. I get very frustrated with MDs who cannot
tolerate a partnership with their patients. In your father's situation, I'd
do the same thing.


Then a few
years later, I was in a class where the discussion turned to
breastcancer, and one of the women said "I don't care about bedside
manner; just get me the best doctor there is." And I realized that
she was wrong. The best doctor is one who is a great technician, but
ALSO someone who could work on the patient, not just the tumor. I
didn't talk about it with her, but I bet if she is uncomfortable with
her hypothetical doctor, and she's facing a potentially
life-threatening situation, she won't get the care she needs.



Well, I see your point, certainly. I don't see this as an either/or choice,
however. There isn't just ONE excellent doctor. Once can select a
physician whose interpersonal style is compatible, without (necessarily)
choosing a poor scientist. (For example, I interviewed three different
obstetrical groups, for example, before choosing the one I have. All have
excellent reputations and outcomes, but the group I have now, of the 9 OBs,
7 seem to have personality types which mesh with mine. In general, there is
more than one "best" MD in town. )



So when it comes down to it, we've got to be comfortable with our
doctors. And if your doctor isn't friendly and caring enough for the
individual, then it's time to get another doctor.



No argument there.

snippity

I think the OP had an unreasonable
expectation of the regular care. But if she needs a more reassuring
doctor, then there's no reason she can't find one. They do exist.



Agreed, completely. Well... let me add a caveat... I think she can
probably shop around to find a *more* touchy-feely obstetrician (or
midwife!), but if she decides to stay within the formal medical
establishment (meaning an OB), she may have to adjust her expectations a
bit.


I also feel she might be more comfortable with a midwife. My
appointments were for 30 minutes minimum, and they gave me that whole
time to answer questions, and make me feel better.



I think a midwife would be an excellent way for the OP to get the
interaction she needs. I hope she'll consider one.

Donna



  #83  
Old May 21st 04, 05:10 AM
zolw
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Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, butneed

OK, so one of the questions was about a lump I had developed on my
abdomen (where the ribs are). It would hurt. So, I show it to him, he
touches it & says oh that is normal nothing to worry about. I tell him,
well a lump is never normal. Why am I getting this lump? He says that's
your uterus. I say, well, why is there a lump? He says that's your
uterus expanding (& looks impatient with my question). I feel not that
much at ease, so I apologize for asking too much, but I want to
understand what is happening to me. He just looks at me (already got up
from his chair, like he wants to leave the room) & says it is normal,
your body is going through changes & your uterus is expanding.

The lump has disappeared, but he never followed up on that either.

Donna wrote:

"zolw" wrote in message
news:GQ9rc.74$ny.92981@attbi_s53...

Ok, but I do have a list of questions every time & I do ask them. He
just never gives me any significant answers. I don't think "this is
normal" or "you're pregnant" are appropriate answers for anyone.




May I ask what kinds of questions you are asking? Because "This is normal.
You're pregnant." is often the appropriate answer, if the questions are "Why
am I peeing all the time?" "Why am I throwing up constantly?" "Why does my
back ache/nose feel stuffy/husband drive me crazy?"

I don't want to minimize your feelings, at all, at all. When I interviewed
OBs before my first pregnancy, I disqualified one group because they were a
little too hands off for me. So I do appreciate your feelings. But there
is a difference between being blown off (which does happen, and is
inexcusable), and just being answered with a non-alarmist response.

What happens when you follow up his response with "But *WHY* is this
happening? I know it's normal, but can you explain it to me?"

Donna



  #84  
Old May 21st 04, 11:44 AM
Donna
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Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need


"zolw" wrote in message
news:jjfrc.32365$gr.3251928@attbi_s52...
OK, so one of the questions was about a lump I had developed on my
abdomen (where the ribs are). It would hurt. So, I show it to him, he
touches it & says oh that is normal nothing to worry about. I tell him,
well a lump is never normal. Why am I getting this lump? He says that's
your uterus. I say, well, why is there a lump? He says that's your
uterus expanding (& looks impatient with my question).


See, I'm a little confused as to why the above seems insufficient. Your
uterus is expanding, and that is the lump. What more information do you
want? I mean, there isn't much more that he can say about that.

I feel not that
much at ease, so I apologize for asking too much, but I want to
understand what is happening to me. He just looks at me (already got up
from his chair, like he wants to leave the room) & says it is normal,
your body is going through changes & your uterus is expanding.


What more did you want to know? There *isn't* much more.

It sounds to me that you have a personality conflict with this physician.
That's no one's fault - there is one OB in the group I see who irritates me,
so I never schedule appointments with him. Do you have the option of
transferring your care to someone else in the group (if it is a group)?

Donna


  #85  
Old May 21st 04, 11:44 AM
Mary W.
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Posts: n/a
Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but



zolw wrote:
I also feel that so far into my pregnancy it will actually be
inconvenient for me to start shopping for another dr. Especially that
there is no guarante that the next dr I see won't be exactly the same
way. I will probably have to put up with what I believe to be not proper
care giving. I do not care if he is an OB or a midwife, there is ABC
treating other people. He can not always treat me like he is doing me a
favor. Actually he gets paid much more than his service deserves & he
should have the decency to treat his patients better. I am not asking
him to sit there & hug me or comfort me but he can smile every now &
then, he can listen to me when i have questions (instead he gives me
those patronising looks. I even caught myself sometimes apologizing for
having questions, which is real sad).


My only piece of advice on this is that if you are unhappy with
your caregiver, find another. My biggest regret from my first
pregnancy was that I was unhappy with my OB, thought about switching,
but, like you, found it to be inconvenient so I didn't. I figured it
wouldn't matter, but it did. I ended up with what was likely an
unnecessary c-section, and some issues that I need to deal with before
the birth of this next baby.

It is never too late to switch. I know of women who have switched
at 37 weeks. You certainly don't seem to be happy with this doctor,
I'm sure there is a better fit out there.

Mary

  #86  
Old May 21st 04, 11:47 AM
Donna
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Posts: n/a
Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need help!)


"zolw" wrote in message
news:Yefrc.2282$Ly.407277@attbi_s51...
What expectations do i have that are so unrealistic? A dr that answers
my questions & doesn't brush me off? A dr that doesn't patronize me? If
I have concerns (with every right to have them, taking my family history
into consideration), he needs to address them. NOT IGNORE THEM!


It doesn't sound to me that you're being brushed off, is the thing. You're
asking question, you're getting answers, but you seem not to be getting
enough interaction to satisfy you. You also stated that this is your first
pregnancy and everything freaks you out. Perfectly normal, by the way. I
will swear that there isn't much in life more frightening than a first
pregnancy.


I think you people donh't really know what my expectations are. It is
not about getting some tests or having a touchy feely dr. It is about
working with a person that treats you like a person, not just another
check in his bank account.


If you think he's treating you this way, you really need to switch to
another caregiver.

Donna


  #87  
Old May 21st 04, 11:55 AM
melizabeth
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but

I have been following this thread with avid interest. Like zolw, I have had
the same concerns and realize that I was getting standard of care.

zolw, I think you should find another provider. Since you have gone in with
a list of questions, have some concerns regarding other family members'
reproduction history, and feel that your doctor isn't really taking your
questions and interests to heart...it is probably time to switch. You will
be happier, probably. I think that other people on this board have switched
providers late in pregnancy and been happy with their decision.

Good luck!

--
M~Elizabeth

To thine own self be true


  #88  
Old May 21st 04, 12:25 PM
Hillary Israeli
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Posts: n/a
Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need

In GQ9rc.74$ny.92981@attbi_s53,
zolw wrote:

*Ok, but I do have a list of questions every time & I do ask them. He
*just never gives me any significant answers. I don't think "this is
*normal" or "you're pregnant" are appropriate answers for anyone.

I understand you're feeling blown off so obviously he's doing something
wrong, even if only failing to notice you aren't happy (which he should,
because as your caregiver he should be watching for mood problems!) But
I'm still unclear on what he's doing wrong. I guess it depends on what
your questions are. If you say "I have heartburn, is something wrong with
me?" and he says "that's normal, you're pregnant," and doesn't say "well,
you can take Mylanta if you want" then ok, he's leaving out important
information. But if you say "I'm really clumsy now, I'm constantly
tripping over me feet, is there anything I can do?" and he says "that's
normal, you're pregnant," well, what else is he really supposed to say?

I was personally always relieved to get the answer of "it's normal," even
when I'd hoped there could be something to be done and there turned out
not to be.

--
hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net
"uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est."
not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large
  #89  
Old May 21st 04, 12:53 PM
Welches
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Posts: n/a
Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need help!)


zolw wrote in message
news:kcfrc.1742$JC5.241045@attbi_s54...
I am not sure why everyone is still stuck on the ultra sound issue. I
have already explained that it seemed to me that most drs give 2
ultrasounds. Now that I know they don't I do not want another
ultrasound. I just want to be certain that my child is alright.

I just want to make sure that my sister's problems do not repeat. & I am
sure unless he is a fortune teller or has some magic abilities, external
examination is not accurate.

I also feel that so far into my pregnancy it will actually be
inconvenient for me to start shopping for another dr. Especially that
there is no guarante that the next dr I see won't be exactly the same
way. I will probably have to put up with what I believe to be not proper
care giving. I do not care if he is an OB or a midwife, there is ABC
treating other people. He can not always treat me like he is doing me a
favor. Actually he gets paid much more than his service deserves & he
should have the decency to treat his patients better. I am not asking
him to sit there & hug me or comfort me but he can smile every now &
then, he can listen to me when i have questions (instead he gives me
those patronising looks. I even caught myself sometimes apologizing for
having questions, which is real sad).

I thought about this whole issue & I do not believe that I have any
unrealistic needs or expectations. Maybe here in the US drs think that
they can treat patients like dummies, but where I come from drs are
obligated to treat you well & give you some emotional support, as
wellas, explain if you ask for explanations. It is not unrealistic.

I never said I wanted more tests, if they were unneccessary. I had to
tell you all the tests I had, so that you readers have a better image &
then you can just tell me if it's normal or not. BUT I need my dr to
tell me things. When I ask him about any plans (that are not within the
time between an appointment & the next) he does not feel the urgency to
answer them. He just says that when the time comes he will discuss it
with me. Yeah, I must admit that some questions were way too much into
the future, but there is nothing called too early.

For example, when i asked him about contraceptions after I have the baby
(I thought that if I put a loop ( no idea what these are called in the
US) then it would be done right after delivery).

Assuming you mean a coil, you may not want one put in. I don't think they
would put one in at delivery in case of infection. Certainly the thought of
anything being put up there at 6 weeks after I'd given birth with #1 was
painful!!!
I think he's probably being sensible to suggest you wait until after the
birth to discuss that.
Debbie

I hadn't even mentioned
to him what kind of contraception i had in mind & he just said that I
will come back 6 weeks after delivery & discuss it. Why couldn't we
discuss it then? Why can't I have ideas & options now, so that 6 weeks
after my delivery i would have a certainty of what I want? When i tried
to take it further, he just frowned (or maybe he just has a problem with
his facial impressions & gestures) at me & said that I am impatient.




  #90  
Old May 21st 04, 01:00 PM
Cathy Weeks
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need help!)

zolw wrote in message news:kcfrc.1742$JC5.241045@attbi_s54...

I also feel that so far into my pregnancy it will actually be
inconvenient for me to start shopping for another dr. Especially that
there is no guarante that the next dr I see won't be exactly the same
way. I will probably have to put up with what I believe to be not proper
care giving. I do not care if he is an OB or a midwife, there is ABC
treating other people. He can not always treat me like he is doing me a
favor. Actually he gets paid much more than his service deserves & he
should have the decency to treat his patients better. I am not asking
him to sit there & hug me or comfort me but he can smile every now &
then, he can listen to me when i have questions (instead he gives me
those patronising looks. I even caught myself sometimes apologizing for
having questions, which is real sad).


Look, please don't take this the wrong way, but....

You are very worried about your baby and yourself, and you don't like
your doctor because he's a real jerk, yet you are willing to trust him
with your life and that of your baby, because it's incovenient to go
shopping for another?

If you have doubts about this guy, find someone else, right away.
There have been women on this newsgroup who changed doctors right
before their baby was born. At least you have a couple of months to
go.

When you are giving birth is the LAST time you want to have doubts
about someone. That's the time when you want to surround yourself
with people you trust, because its very difficult to be rational when
you are in labor.

Good luck. I don't know about the others, but I'd love to hear back
from you that you've found another person (Midwife, OB, whatever) that
you're much more comfortable with.

Cathy Weeks
Mommy to Kivi Alexis 12/01
 




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