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#81
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, butneed help!)
I am not sure why everyone is still stuck on the ultra sound issue. I
have already explained that it seemed to me that most drs give 2 ultrasounds. Now that I know they don't I do not want another ultrasound. I just want to be certain that my child is alright. I just want to make sure that my sister's problems do not repeat. & I am sure unless he is a fortune teller or has some magic abilities, external examination is not accurate. I also feel that so far into my pregnancy it will actually be inconvenient for me to start shopping for another dr. Especially that there is no guarante that the next dr I see won't be exactly the same way. I will probably have to put up with what I believe to be not proper care giving. I do not care if he is an OB or a midwife, there is ABC treating other people. He can not always treat me like he is doing me a favor. Actually he gets paid much more than his service deserves & he should have the decency to treat his patients better. I am not asking him to sit there & hug me or comfort me but he can smile every now & then, he can listen to me when i have questions (instead he gives me those patronising looks. I even caught myself sometimes apologizing for having questions, which is real sad). I thought about this whole issue & I do not believe that I have any unrealistic needs or expectations. Maybe here in the US drs think that they can treat patients like dummies, but where I come from drs are obligated to treat you well & give you some emotional support, as wellas, explain if you ask for explanations. It is not unrealistic. I never said I wanted more tests, if they were unneccessary. I had to tell you all the tests I had, so that you readers have a better image & then you can just tell me if it's normal or not. BUT I need my dr to tell me things. When I ask him about any plans (that are not within the time between an appointment & the next) he does not feel the urgency to answer them. He just says that when the time comes he will discuss it with me. Yeah, I must admit that some questions were way too much into the future, but there is nothing called too early. For example, when i asked him about contraceptions after I have the baby (I thought that if I put a loop ( no idea what these are called in the US) then it would be done right after delivery). I hadn't even mentioned to him what kind of contraception i had in mind & he just said that I will come back 6 weeks after delivery & discuss it. Why couldn't we discuss it then? Why can't I have ideas & options now, so that 6 weeks after my delivery i would have a certainty of what I want? When i tried to take it further, he just frowned (or maybe he just has a problem with his facial impressions & gestures) at me & said that I am impatient. |
#82
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, butneed help!)
What expectations do i have that are so unrealistic? A dr that answers
my questions & doesn't brush me off? A dr that doesn't patronize me? If I have concerns (with every right to have them, taking my family history into consideration), he needs to address them. NOT IGNORE THEM! I think you people donh't really know what my expectations are. It is not about getting some tests or having a touchy feely dr. It is about working with a person that treats you like a person, not just another check in his bank account. Donna wrote: "Cathy Weeks" wrote in message om... The reason I think of them as employees, is that the final decision-mkaer regarding my body is me. If I'm pregnant, then the final decision-makers regarding the baby are myself and my husband. Doctors, and other health-care professions are people that I pay to give me good advice. So if a doctor gives me information, and I follow that advice, and something goes wrong, then I actually share some of the responsibility for it going wrong, because ultimately I went along with the doctor's advice. An in my terribly humble opinion, you have *exactly* the right attitude. So whether you call it a Boss/Employee relationship, or I call it a collegial relationship, I think we're talking about exactly the same thing. Tomayto/tomahto. I first started feeling this way when my father had cancer. He didn't want to be told his "chances" and told his oncologist that. He was worried that it would just get him down, and everything we had read suggested that the right attitude in fighting cancer was key (people who actively fought the cancer tended to live longer, and had a higher cure rate). His doctor ignored his wishes, and told him anyway. He also made it clear that he had little faith in the "mental" aspects of fighting cancer, and wasn't supportive of Dad's using mental-health professionals for guided imagery and stuff like that. Eventually, when Dad was in the depths of chemo and radiation, he fired his doctor, and picked the doctor in the practice who was known to be the most friendly toward working hand-in-hand with psychologists. Excellent choices your dad made. I get very frustrated with MDs who cannot tolerate a partnership with their patients. In your father's situation, I'd do the same thing. Then a few years later, I was in a class where the discussion turned to breastcancer, and one of the women said "I don't care about bedside manner; just get me the best doctor there is." And I realized that she was wrong. The best doctor is one who is a great technician, but ALSO someone who could work on the patient, not just the tumor. I didn't talk about it with her, but I bet if she is uncomfortable with her hypothetical doctor, and she's facing a potentially life-threatening situation, she won't get the care she needs. Well, I see your point, certainly. I don't see this as an either/or choice, however. There isn't just ONE excellent doctor. Once can select a physician whose interpersonal style is compatible, without (necessarily) choosing a poor scientist. (For example, I interviewed three different obstetrical groups, for example, before choosing the one I have. All have excellent reputations and outcomes, but the group I have now, of the 9 OBs, 7 seem to have personality types which mesh with mine. In general, there is more than one "best" MD in town. ) So when it comes down to it, we've got to be comfortable with our doctors. And if your doctor isn't friendly and caring enough for the individual, then it's time to get another doctor. No argument there. snippity I think the OP had an unreasonable expectation of the regular care. But if she needs a more reassuring doctor, then there's no reason she can't find one. They do exist. Agreed, completely. Well... let me add a caveat... I think she can probably shop around to find a *more* touchy-feely obstetrician (or midwife!), but if she decides to stay within the formal medical establishment (meaning an OB), she may have to adjust her expectations a bit. I also feel she might be more comfortable with a midwife. My appointments were for 30 minutes minimum, and they gave me that whole time to answer questions, and make me feel better. I think a midwife would be an excellent way for the OP to get the interaction she needs. I hope she'll consider one. Donna |
#83
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, butneed
OK, so one of the questions was about a lump I had developed on my
abdomen (where the ribs are). It would hurt. So, I show it to him, he touches it & says oh that is normal nothing to worry about. I tell him, well a lump is never normal. Why am I getting this lump? He says that's your uterus. I say, well, why is there a lump? He says that's your uterus expanding (& looks impatient with my question). I feel not that much at ease, so I apologize for asking too much, but I want to understand what is happening to me. He just looks at me (already got up from his chair, like he wants to leave the room) & says it is normal, your body is going through changes & your uterus is expanding. The lump has disappeared, but he never followed up on that either. Donna wrote: "zolw" wrote in message news:GQ9rc.74$ny.92981@attbi_s53... Ok, but I do have a list of questions every time & I do ask them. He just never gives me any significant answers. I don't think "this is normal" or "you're pregnant" are appropriate answers for anyone. May I ask what kinds of questions you are asking? Because "This is normal. You're pregnant." is often the appropriate answer, if the questions are "Why am I peeing all the time?" "Why am I throwing up constantly?" "Why does my back ache/nose feel stuffy/husband drive me crazy?" I don't want to minimize your feelings, at all, at all. When I interviewed OBs before my first pregnancy, I disqualified one group because they were a little too hands off for me. So I do appreciate your feelings. But there is a difference between being blown off (which does happen, and is inexcusable), and just being answered with a non-alarmist response. What happens when you follow up his response with "But *WHY* is this happening? I know it's normal, but can you explain it to me?" Donna |
#84
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need
"zolw" wrote in message news:jjfrc.32365$gr.3251928@attbi_s52... OK, so one of the questions was about a lump I had developed on my abdomen (where the ribs are). It would hurt. So, I show it to him, he touches it & says oh that is normal nothing to worry about. I tell him, well a lump is never normal. Why am I getting this lump? He says that's your uterus. I say, well, why is there a lump? He says that's your uterus expanding (& looks impatient with my question). See, I'm a little confused as to why the above seems insufficient. Your uterus is expanding, and that is the lump. What more information do you want? I mean, there isn't much more that he can say about that. I feel not that much at ease, so I apologize for asking too much, but I want to understand what is happening to me. He just looks at me (already got up from his chair, like he wants to leave the room) & says it is normal, your body is going through changes & your uterus is expanding. What more did you want to know? There *isn't* much more. It sounds to me that you have a personality conflict with this physician. That's no one's fault - there is one OB in the group I see who irritates me, so I never schedule appointments with him. Do you have the option of transferring your care to someone else in the group (if it is a group)? Donna |
#85
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but
zolw wrote: I also feel that so far into my pregnancy it will actually be inconvenient for me to start shopping for another dr. Especially that there is no guarante that the next dr I see won't be exactly the same way. I will probably have to put up with what I believe to be not proper care giving. I do not care if he is an OB or a midwife, there is ABC treating other people. He can not always treat me like he is doing me a favor. Actually he gets paid much more than his service deserves & he should have the decency to treat his patients better. I am not asking him to sit there & hug me or comfort me but he can smile every now & then, he can listen to me when i have questions (instead he gives me those patronising looks. I even caught myself sometimes apologizing for having questions, which is real sad). My only piece of advice on this is that if you are unhappy with your caregiver, find another. My biggest regret from my first pregnancy was that I was unhappy with my OB, thought about switching, but, like you, found it to be inconvenient so I didn't. I figured it wouldn't matter, but it did. I ended up with what was likely an unnecessary c-section, and some issues that I need to deal with before the birth of this next baby. It is never too late to switch. I know of women who have switched at 37 weeks. You certainly don't seem to be happy with this doctor, I'm sure there is a better fit out there. Mary |
#86
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need help!)
"zolw" wrote in message news:Yefrc.2282$Ly.407277@attbi_s51... What expectations do i have that are so unrealistic? A dr that answers my questions & doesn't brush me off? A dr that doesn't patronize me? If I have concerns (with every right to have them, taking my family history into consideration), he needs to address them. NOT IGNORE THEM! It doesn't sound to me that you're being brushed off, is the thing. You're asking question, you're getting answers, but you seem not to be getting enough interaction to satisfy you. You also stated that this is your first pregnancy and everything freaks you out. Perfectly normal, by the way. I will swear that there isn't much in life more frightening than a first pregnancy. I think you people donh't really know what my expectations are. It is not about getting some tests or having a touchy feely dr. It is about working with a person that treats you like a person, not just another check in his bank account. If you think he's treating you this way, you really need to switch to another caregiver. Donna |
#87
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but
I have been following this thread with avid interest. Like zolw, I have had
the same concerns and realize that I was getting standard of care. zolw, I think you should find another provider. Since you have gone in with a list of questions, have some concerns regarding other family members' reproduction history, and feel that your doctor isn't really taking your questions and interests to heart...it is probably time to switch. You will be happier, probably. I think that other people on this board have switched providers late in pregnancy and been happy with their decision. Good luck! -- M~Elizabeth To thine own self be true |
#88
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need
In GQ9rc.74$ny.92981@attbi_s53,
zolw wrote: *Ok, but I do have a list of questions every time & I do ask them. He *just never gives me any significant answers. I don't think "this is *normal" or "you're pregnant" are appropriate answers for anyone. I understand you're feeling blown off so obviously he's doing something wrong, even if only failing to notice you aren't happy (which he should, because as your caregiver he should be watching for mood problems!) But I'm still unclear on what he's doing wrong. I guess it depends on what your questions are. If you say "I have heartburn, is something wrong with me?" and he says "that's normal, you're pregnant," and doesn't say "well, you can take Mylanta if you want" then ok, he's leaving out important information. But if you say "I'm really clumsy now, I'm constantly tripping over me feet, is there anything I can do?" and he says "that's normal, you're pregnant," well, what else is he really supposed to say? I was personally always relieved to get the answer of "it's normal," even when I'd hoped there could be something to be done and there turned out not to be. -- hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net "uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est." not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large |
#89
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need help!)
zolw wrote in message news:kcfrc.1742$JC5.241045@attbi_s54... I am not sure why everyone is still stuck on the ultra sound issue. I have already explained that it seemed to me that most drs give 2 ultrasounds. Now that I know they don't I do not want another ultrasound. I just want to be certain that my child is alright. I just want to make sure that my sister's problems do not repeat. & I am sure unless he is a fortune teller or has some magic abilities, external examination is not accurate. I also feel that so far into my pregnancy it will actually be inconvenient for me to start shopping for another dr. Especially that there is no guarante that the next dr I see won't be exactly the same way. I will probably have to put up with what I believe to be not proper care giving. I do not care if he is an OB or a midwife, there is ABC treating other people. He can not always treat me like he is doing me a favor. Actually he gets paid much more than his service deserves & he should have the decency to treat his patients better. I am not asking him to sit there & hug me or comfort me but he can smile every now & then, he can listen to me when i have questions (instead he gives me those patronising looks. I even caught myself sometimes apologizing for having questions, which is real sad). I thought about this whole issue & I do not believe that I have any unrealistic needs or expectations. Maybe here in the US drs think that they can treat patients like dummies, but where I come from drs are obligated to treat you well & give you some emotional support, as wellas, explain if you ask for explanations. It is not unrealistic. I never said I wanted more tests, if they were unneccessary. I had to tell you all the tests I had, so that you readers have a better image & then you can just tell me if it's normal or not. BUT I need my dr to tell me things. When I ask him about any plans (that are not within the time between an appointment & the next) he does not feel the urgency to answer them. He just says that when the time comes he will discuss it with me. Yeah, I must admit that some questions were way too much into the future, but there is nothing called too early. For example, when i asked him about contraceptions after I have the baby (I thought that if I put a loop ( no idea what these are called in the US) then it would be done right after delivery). Assuming you mean a coil, you may not want one put in. I don't think they would put one in at delivery in case of infection. Certainly the thought of anything being put up there at 6 weeks after I'd given birth with #1 was painful!!! I think he's probably being sensible to suggest you wait until after the birth to discuss that. Debbie I hadn't even mentioned to him what kind of contraception i had in mind & he just said that I will come back 6 weeks after delivery & discuss it. Why couldn't we discuss it then? Why can't I have ideas & options now, so that 6 weeks after my delivery i would have a certainty of what I want? When i tried to take it further, he just frowned (or maybe he just has a problem with his facial impressions & gestures) at me & said that I am impatient. |
#90
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frustrated with Doctor. Am I rightfullt so? (a bit long, but need help!)
zolw wrote in message news:kcfrc.1742$JC5.241045@attbi_s54...
I also feel that so far into my pregnancy it will actually be inconvenient for me to start shopping for another dr. Especially that there is no guarante that the next dr I see won't be exactly the same way. I will probably have to put up with what I believe to be not proper care giving. I do not care if he is an OB or a midwife, there is ABC treating other people. He can not always treat me like he is doing me a favor. Actually he gets paid much more than his service deserves & he should have the decency to treat his patients better. I am not asking him to sit there & hug me or comfort me but he can smile every now & then, he can listen to me when i have questions (instead he gives me those patronising looks. I even caught myself sometimes apologizing for having questions, which is real sad). Look, please don't take this the wrong way, but.... You are very worried about your baby and yourself, and you don't like your doctor because he's a real jerk, yet you are willing to trust him with your life and that of your baby, because it's incovenient to go shopping for another? If you have doubts about this guy, find someone else, right away. There have been women on this newsgroup who changed doctors right before their baby was born. At least you have a couple of months to go. When you are giving birth is the LAST time you want to have doubts about someone. That's the time when you want to surround yourself with people you trust, because its very difficult to be rational when you are in labor. Good luck. I don't know about the others, but I'd love to hear back from you that you've found another person (Midwife, OB, whatever) that you're much more comfortable with. Cathy Weeks Mommy to Kivi Alexis 12/01 |
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