Dealing with others who try to "parent"

I don't want this to get into a really venty thread or anything, but just
wondering what advice there is on caring for baby the way YOU choose to, and
keeping other people from interfering. It seems pretty common for
grandparents etc to step in and do things their way- so how can especially a
new mom stop this without such drastic extreme measures- is there an
effective wa to deal with this when "It is my baby, it's my call" doesn't
work?

In my case, the trust has already broken down by the grandparents, who have
pretty much let us know that they will do with Rachel what they have always
done with all other babies they have had/kept/watched etc. They let us know
they will microwave breatmilk if they need to heat it because it is not
going to hurt, they have microwaved formula for years. They will feed Rachel
solid foods when they did for their own kids, which is MUCH earlier than I
am going to for her. They say it never hurt their kids and itis not going to
hurt her. (I feel very strongly about when and what foods are to be intro'd,
becasue both my husband and I have allergy type things- very sensitive skin
prone to rashes and breakouts, allergies and sinus problems, food
sensitivities, and in my case, migraine headaches triggered by foods. For
example I would never say this to her, and maybe her giving my husband
solids at 2 months DIDN;T cause anything, but what if I can have Rachel wait
forsolid foods until after about 6 months when she lets me know she is
ready, and what if this and taking other care in her nutrition DOES make a
difference? It is my call- I am no expert, but I really want to go by the dr
rec's on this.) etc etc. I don't feel I have to explain, but, it bothers me
that the grandparents and others are okay as long as we around, but that the
minute we aren't, will go have their way.

So we don't leave the baby- is that the only solution? I would never leave
Rachel for long since I am bf, but what I mean by not leaving her i that
literally, we don't let her out of our sight, or let others feed her or keep
her. In particular, I do not want others giving her ANY solid foods, so I am
afraid to even leave for an hour, or let them take care of a feeding without
me around, etc.

My husband says this is no problem- he agrees that certain family memebrs
just arent ever going to care about what we want them to do and what we want
them to avoid with Rachel, and he sayd it is no problem for us just to never
leave her. But, I am the one who is with her 24/7, so it is easier for him
to say that. I do wish I could have some help and get a SMALL, short break--
at this point I can't even go get my hair cut when it's frazzly, or go to my
own dr appointmetns without dragging Rachel along (And she gets fussy out!)
I just wish there was a way to rsolve ths without just having to watch Rache
around them at all times. They don't understand why I feel SO strongly about
my decisions for Rachel's best interest, and I don't understand why they are
so careLESS that they don't feel the least bit hesitant about refusing to
follow our wishes.

Thank goodness again, my husband pretty much agrees with me on everything,
and even if he doesn't feel as strongly about certain things, he listens to
me and lets my decision stand. He knows I read and research a lot and have a
good reason for everything I choose. The others just think I don't want to
let them do ANYthing.

You know what surprises me???? I thought this was just a problem to ME-- I
*AM* a serious person with strong beliefs, and am around a lot of people who
just don't think things tthrough much or care as strongly. But, I know
several other new moms who say the same thing-- we don't have the same ideas
about raising our kidss so maybe it is different issues, but they face the
same thing in dealing with experienced moms- be it grandmas, aunts, sisters
etc, who want to instruct them as to what to do with their kid, or tell them
that this or that will or won't hurt.

SO how do most people handle this? One relative even told me that when SHE
had kids 40 years ago, HER mother did what she wanted with the baby when she
kept her and she did what she herself wanted when she was at home, shrug,
that's just the way it is. People have different opinions and everyone will
do what they want when THEY have the baby.

Nuh-uh!! The way I see it, they HAD their baby and did exactly what they
wanted, it is my turn.

I don't have a problem with not letting others do things with Rachel that I
don't want done, when I am around. But I would say that the problem
is.........that I can't let her out of my sight with them!

On Wed, 07 Jul 2004 17:04:53 GMT, "Jill" snuck out
of the ether to utter:

I don't have a problem with not letting others do things with Rachel that I
don't want done, when I am around. But I would say that the problem
is.........that I can't let her out of my sight with them!

There you have it.... don't let them care for her out of your sight.
If they can't respect you enough to follow your wishes you have every
right to keep their visits only when you're there.
My suggestion is to find another mom you can trade babysitting with
for those times you feel you need a break, or hire a sitter.

Nan

--
"when the sun goes down we'll be groovin'
when the sun goes down we'll be feelin' alright,
when the sun sinks down over the water
everything gets hotter when the sun goes down"
~Kenny Chesney

"Jill" wrote in message
.com...
So we don't leave the baby- is that the only solution? I would never
leave
Rachel for long since I am bf, but what I mean by not leaving her i that
literally, we don't let her out of our sight, or let others feed her or
keep
her.

Basically, yes. This is the only way to ensure that your wishes are
respected. If tis is the way you decide to go, just remember, she'll only
be small for a short period of time. If there are things you need to do
without Rachel, can you do them when your DH is home? If not, remember
there are so many things you can do with a baby that will be way harder when
she's a toddler (like shopping). Do you have a sling? Kerry always conks
right out when I put her in mine.

Nancy

Jill wrote:
I don't want this to get into a really venty thread or anything, but
just wondering what advice there is on caring for baby the way YOU
choose to, and keeping other people from interfering.

Just take care of the baby yourself. I breastfed too so of course I was the
only one that fed them, I changed them and did all the regular baby care
unless I was at work. You can search for a sitter that will respect your
choices but you are stuck with the relatives you have ;-0. Relatives held
the baby and played until they cried or fell asleep. Sometimes they would
try to keep them content while we ate. If you need a break, get one when dh
is home. If you and dh want to go out together hire a babysitter (or find
another mother to trade with) that will do just as they are told if you
can't take a baby where you go.

I can sense your frustration at not being able to leave your daughter with
her grandma's for fear they'll do something against your wishes. Try not to
be to fatalistic about that. You can manage well without having Grandma's
as babysitters you just need to come up with other options instead of
spinning your wheels about the grandmas.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (5) and Luke (3)

Jill wrote:

I don't want this to get into a really venty thread or anything, but just
wondering what advice there is on caring for baby the way YOU choose to, and
keeping other people from interfering. It seems pretty common for
grandparents etc to step in and do things their way- so how can especially a
new mom stop this without such drastic extreme measures- is there an
effective wa to deal with this when "It is my baby, it's my call" doesn't
work?

I think you do a couple of things:

1) Pick your battles. Only get particular about things that
*really* matter to you.

2) Explain your requests *once* (no use belaboring the issue).

3) If you don't get buy-in, don't leave the baby.

So we don't leave the baby- is that the only solution?

Nope, you just don't leave the baby with those
people ;-) You can always hire a babysitter, which is
what you should do to get yourself a break when you need
it. Babysitters are paid to do what you ask them to do,
the way you ask them to do it.

My mother would *never* do anything I specifically
asked her not to do. There are many things she does differently
from me that I don't particularly care about, even if I
would do it differently myself. I think it's important
for different people to be able to establish their own
relationships. I don't tell my husband he has to do
everything my way with the baby, nor do I tell my mother
that. But, then again, I trust both my husband and my
mother (and my father, and my in-laws, and my sister...)
not to do anything dangerous or anything I've specifically
requested they not do.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Jill wrote in message
.com...
I don't want this to get into a really venty thread or anything, but just
wondering what advice there is on caring for baby the way YOU choose to,
and
keeping other people from interfering. It seems pretty common for
grandparents etc to step in and do things their way- so how can especially
a
new mom stop this without such drastic extreme measures- is there an
effective wa to deal with this when "It is my baby, it's my call" doesn't
work?
See if you can find a nice parent & baby group. If there are mothers there,
they may be willing to look after Rachel in return for the same back from
you. I'd be happy to do that if you were closer :-)
Debbie

"Nancy P" wrote
If not, remember
there are so many things you can do with a baby that will be way harder
when
she's a toddler (like shopping).

Ew...that's hard NOW! Rachel only sleeps while *moving*, so she is ok in the
car, and ok sometimes in a buggy-- but you better keep moving fast, or she
will wail. Lol- I ran through Target last time I was there. I need to get
comfy with the Baby Bjorn I think. But I was hoping that once she is a
toddler I will be able to control it better? Probably not, with tantrums and
all....but with her now, she basically only cries when she wants to nurse or
wants to be held or has a wet diaper. I can nurse her right before we leave,
but she always wants to nurse when she is in an unfamiliar environment, so
by the time we get to the store after about 5 minutes, she is crying and
rooting (oh.....bless her, poor little thing!)....

Not that I am complaining much- some days are very taxing, but also for
every one of those, there will come a day where she is VERY satisfied all
day!

I will feel ok about leaving her more with some family when she gets to be
well established on solids-- but I think I will NEVER feel ok or trusting
about leaving her, while she is on breastmilk only because no one respects
that. Of course, I will then worry about people giving her candy and hot
dogs and whole grapes and seafood such as shellfish. Yuck, but especially
DH's side of the family feeds that stuff to babies! I don't even think it is
appropriate for 2-3 year olds, but DH's family tried to get my nephew to eat
fire roasted oysters on the shell when he was about a year old. They were
all slurping them down, I was sitting there at the picnic table in horror,
completely grossed out, and they were feeding them to him. He could barely
talk, and he said "No good! Yuck."...You can't even *chew* oysters well-
they are runny and slurpy when cooked that way. But I have read that seafood
(shellfish) is highly allergenic to kids' immune systems.

"Welches" wrote

See if you can find a nice parent & baby group. If there are mothers
there,
they may be willing to look after Rachel in return for the same back from
you. I'd be happy to do that if you were closer :-)
Debbie


I'd sure let you!
One plus side is that spending all this 24/7 time with Rachel, is getting us
really attached to each other. I feel like no one knows her the way I do and
I am finding all kinds of quirks- I found a tickly spot today that makes her
squeal (accidentally while changing her diaper, I found that a spot on her
hip, to the side of her belly button and a little bit down, near the hip
bone, drives her crazy if you touch it- I was trying to get her diaper
straightened out. lol!)....

Jill

FWIW, my suggestion as a non-parent is to find a responsible family member
or friend who doesn't have children to be your respite. My SIL kindly
allows us to take our niece for the weekend every once in a while when she
has plans and we love it! She leaves us a long and detailed "schedule" and
we follow it to the letter because we just don't have any preconceived ideas
about what babies should eat, etc. She likes getting away when she needs to
and rather than being an imposition, it's a huge treat for us, so we all
win! I suspect part of her reason for letting us take her are similar
problems with certain other family members. They don't feel as slighted
because it gets presented as a chance for us to "practice" and in the
meanwhile we do what she tells us to do!
Good luck,
Amy
ttc#1

"Jill" wrote in message
.com...

SO how do most people handle this? One relative even told me that when
SHE
had kids 40 years ago, HER mother did what she wanted with the baby
when she
kept her and she did what she herself wanted when she was at home,
shrug,
that's just the way it is. People have different opinions and everyone
will
do what they want when THEY have the baby.

Nuh-uh!! The way I see it, they HAD their baby and did exactly what
they
wanted, it is my turn.

I don't have a problem with not letting others do things with Rachel
that I
don't want done, when I am around. But I would say that the problem
is.........that I can't let her out of my sight with them!



With all due respect, I think the bottom line here is that nothing is
"free". If you want free babysitting from the grandparents, then the
cost is that they will feed your baby as they see fit in your absence.
If you want to dictate the terms of care, then you're probably going to
have to pay people real cash to babysit - then they are your employees
and you get to tell them what to do. It is unrealistic to expect
grandparents to behave as paid employees - they are not!

In my case, I just choose to wait until my babies are at least six
months old before I leave them with anyone other than their father for
any amount of time. This way, if a caregiver violates my stated
preferences for feeding, it is unlikely that any harm will be done to my
babies health wise. That being said, I have never had a problem with my
relatives' ignoring my preferences in caring for my kids.

If you are only planning on leaving your baby for long enough to get a
hair cut, I'm not sure what the problem is? If you feed your baby
before you go to the salon, then she probably won't even be hungry
before you get back. Even if she does eat a bottle of microwaved milk
once a month or so, it's not going to hurt her.

eggs.