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what to do when your kid hurts another



 
 
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  #1  
Old November 2nd 08, 12:29 AM posted to misc.kids
toypup[_2_]
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Posts: 222
Default what to do when your kid hurts another

DS is 7 yo and he kicked his 5 yo friend who was visiting in our house. I
was mortified. DS knows better to hit, and this child is so much smaller
than he and for no real reason (he claims the other child made him drop his
crackers). I immediately made him apologize and sent DS to his room and he
is still sitting there. I brought the other child home and apologized to
the mom. I talked it over with DH and we came up with a punishment of no
friends for five days and he needs to write a letter of apology to the 5 yo,
along with a verbal and heartfelt apology to the child and his mom. What
would you do?

  #2  
Old November 2nd 08, 01:40 AM posted to misc.kids
Anthony Summers
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Posts: 4
Default what to do when your kid hurts another

On Sat, 1 Nov 2008 16:29:00 -0700, toypup wrote...

DS is 7 yo and he kicked his 5 yo friend who was visiting in our house. I
was mortified. DS knows better to hit, and this child is so much smaller
than he and for no real reason (he claims the other child made him drop his
crackers). I immediately made him apologize and sent DS to his room and he
is still sitting there. I brought the other child home and apologized to
the mom. I talked it over with DH and we came up with a punishment of no
friends for five days and he needs to write a letter of apology to the 5 yo,
along with a verbal and heartfelt apology to the child and his mom. What
would you do?


Holy God, are you serious? Over-react much?

First of all, you cannot force a heartfelt apology. Secondly, I'm sorry
but a letter is more than a bit ridiculous. You're taking a one-time
and very small event and making a federal case out of it. Eventually
this singular lack of perspective will cause a ton of problems, I'd bet.

--
A. Summers || summerstorm0007--at--yahoo.com
  #3  
Old November 2nd 08, 02:02 AM posted to misc.kids
toypup[_2_]
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Posts: 222
Default what to do when your kid hurts another



"Anthony Summers" wrote in message
...

Holy God, are you serious? Over-react much?

First of all, you cannot force a heartfelt apology. Secondly, I'm sorry
but a letter is more than a bit ridiculous. You're taking a one-time
and very small event and making a federal case out of it. Eventually
this singular lack of perspective will cause a ton of problems, I'd bet.


The heartfelt apology means one that is said without a roll of the eye, as
sincere as can be mustered. At the time he does it, I'm sure he will be
sincere, since he often acts on the spur of the moment and is very sorry
afterwards. I don't consider violence on another child, especially one much
smaller than oneself, to be a small event. How do you suggest it be
handled?

  #4  
Old November 2nd 08, 02:12 AM posted to misc.kids
Anthony Summers
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Posts: 4
Default what to do when your kid hurts another

On Sat, 1 Nov 2008 18:02:12 -0700, toypup wrote...

"Anthony Summers" wrote in message
...

Holy God, are you serious? Over-react much?

First of all, you cannot force a heartfelt apology. Secondly, I'm sorry
but a letter is more than a bit ridiculous. You're taking a one-time
and very small event and making a federal case out of it. Eventually
this singular lack of perspective will cause a ton of problems, I'd bet.


The heartfelt apology means one that is said without a roll of the eye, as
sincere as can be mustered. At the time he does it, I'm sure he will be
sincere, since he often acts on the spur of the moment and is very sorry
afterwards. I don't consider violence on another child, especially one much
smaller than oneself, to be a small event. How do you suggest it be
handled?


There is a world of difference between "violence" and two kids
interacting relatively normally.

Did this savage kick so much as break skin on the "victim"?

As for what I'd do, if my 7-year-old son kicked a 5-year-old playmate,
if I witnessed it and knew it was unprovoked, he'd be straight off to
his room. After about 10 minutes, I'd go upstairs to speak with him,
ask him why he did what he did, and tell him to go and apologize to his
friend. I know my son, and by the time we were done talking, he'd very
likely be pretty upset with himself for mistreating his friend, as he is
generally kind, generous, and even protective of his friends. He'd go
downstairs, apologize, and they'd resume playing. Simple.

If I didn't see it myself, it probably would go without punishment as it
would probably go unreported. Boys play rough with each other all the
time, unless they're living in unrealistic coccoons, protected from all
the vagaries of life which is useful right up to the point that they hit
the real world and their Mommy isn't there to punish everyone who fails
to treat them exactly as they'd like to be treated.

If it was reported, and there was no injury, I'd probably lecture my
daughter for tattling (as it's most likely to be reported by her, if
anyone). If the neighbor boy (the only 5-year-old playmate my son has)
reported it, I'd loudly send my son to his room, and then either take
the playmate home or resume whatever game they were playing, etc, with
the boy myself until I went upstairs to speak with my son as above.


--
A. Summers || summerstorm0007--at--yahoo.com
  #5  
Old November 2nd 08, 05:10 AM posted to misc.kids
Kat
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Posts: 177
Default what to do when your kid hurts another


"toypup" wrote in message
...


"Anthony Summers" wrote in message
...

Holy God, are you serious? Over-react much?

First of all, you cannot force a heartfelt apology. Secondly, I'm sorry
but a letter is more than a bit ridiculous. You're taking a one-time
and very small event and making a federal case out of it. Eventually
this singular lack of perspective will cause a ton of problems, I'd bet.


The heartfelt apology means one that is said without a roll of the eye, as
sincere as can be mustered. At the time he does it, I'm sure he will be
sincere, since he often acts on the spur of the moment and is very sorry
afterwards. I don't consider violence on another child, especially one
much smaller than oneself, to be a small event. How do you suggest it be
handled?


You can't force an apology that means much out of a child unless they do it
on their own.
I've really been listening to this audio book lately. It just kind of plays
over and over in the van. I did mention it above in a tread the other day,
but anyways...
I find this audio book has some fantastic ideas - and I've been trying to do
my best to start us around here doing it. It just makes sense.
One thing the woman says (the woman that is doing this audio book, which
sounds to me like some sort of presentation or convention type speech) is
that in her house, "If you hit, you sit" She said that if one child hits
another, then they sit in the rocker. If it's her child, the child sits in
the rocker. If it's a friend's or neighbour's child, they have the option
to either sit in the rocker or they go home. She even said that the other
kids in her house know about this rule, and after one time of hearing some
commotion from the kids downstairs, she was on her way down and crossed
paths with one neighbour boy, who said on his own, "I'm going to the rocker,
Mrs. C" and off he went. This woman says that the rule for the "if you hit,
you sit" rule is that when you (the child) are ready to resume playing in an
appropriate way, you are free to go. It might be a minute, it might be 10
minutes of sitting on the rocker (or the chair, or a given spot on the
floor - whatever) but when the child feels he or she is ready, then they are
free to go. As a parent or adult, you'll know they are ready if they go
back and play without hitting (or kicking, slapping, shoving, whatever) and
they get sent back to sit if they hit again. She says that children will
learn one of two things... Either he'll learn to sit real well a lot or
he'll learn to play nice. She says he won't learn to hit by spending time
sitting. Chances are when they go back to play, all will pretty much be
forgotten, but the "aggressor" at the time will surely remember not to hit
(or kick or whatever)
Apologies are useless. Most of the time kids don't mean it and are saying
it for YOU, not them or the other child. If a child feels the need to
apologize, it should not be because it was suggested to them. Chances are
the kid knows he did something that wasn't acceptable. I bet he's not
stupid, as most kids aren't. I wouldn't even say an apology is needed.
It's useless. I also would spare my child the embarrassment of a big
written letter or apology in person to the child and their parents. This
said audio book has really been helpful - for me, anyways - and I am really
trying to curb certain behavior (for me AND the kids). Kids will be kids,
and chances are that the other kid won't really care or remember. Kids seem
to get over things fairly easily. And they'll be back playing and just fine
in no time at all. Dragging it out seems pointless.

If the child was physically harmed, I'd let it go. Also, another rule of
thumb is not to punish, but to discipline. Shame and all that isn't a good
way to handle things, it seems. If you didn't see it actually happen, then
you can't blame one or the other. Trying to get a news story from two
editorials is pointless (he did this first! She did that before! - the
'tell me your side, tell me your side' thing) and if no one was actually
hurt, then I would let it go. I would just try and enforce something that
is along the lines of the you hit, you sit idea.

Maybe I'm not one to talk - I know I have some major issues around here with
dealing, but after I have been listening to this audio book a fair bit, a
lot of it - if not all of it - seems to make a lot of sense. And I am
trying to slowly work a number of these ideas and suggestion around here.
There hasn't been a MAJOR or drastic change, but there are small changes
here, which is a really, really good start for me.


  #6  
Old November 2nd 08, 05:43 AM posted to misc.kids
toypup[_2_]
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Posts: 222
Default what to do when your kid hurts another



"Kat" wrote in message
...
Apologies are useless. Most of the time kids don't mean it and are saying
it for YOU, not them or the other child.


I disagree with this. If a child hurts someone, he must apologize. There
are adults in this world whose egos are so big, they never learn to do that
and it hurts their relationships with others. Even if at first, the kids
apologize to make parents happy, they eventually learn the value of it when
they see the positive effects it has on their relationships with others. DS
has learned to apologize when he makes mistakes and I do believe he does it
with sincerity.

It's useless. I also would spare my child the embarrassment of a big
written letter or apology in person to the child and their parents.


I also disagree here. The letter is not intended to embarrass but rather it
is exactly that -- an apology. If someone hurt me and apologized in a
letter, I would feel better about it.

and chances are that the other kid won't really care or remember. Kids
seem to get over things fairly easily. And they'll be back playing and
just fine in no time at all. Dragging it out seems pointless.


I agree that things will be fine. DD got into something with her friend and
I don't remember what it was, but when her friend came over, she took DD's
hand and looked her in the eye and apologized. I am sure her mother put her
up to it, but it was heartfelt and all was better. All would have been
forgotten anyway, but I think that was honorable.


If the child was physically harmed, I'd let it go. Also, another rule of
thumb is not to punish, but to discipline. Shame and all that isn't a
good way to handle things, it seems. If you didn't see it actually
happen, then you can't blame one or the other.


The story was clear cut, as DS is truthful (one quality I admire about him)
and told me exactly what happened. The story was not told by the neighbor
child. I am not attempting to shame my child. I am attempting to help him
to right a wrong. If you hurt someone, is it shameful to apologize?

  #7  
Old November 2nd 08, 09:10 AM posted to misc.kids
Welches
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Posts: 849
Default what to do when your kid hurts another


"toypup" wrote in message
...
DS is 7 yo and he kicked his 5 yo friend who was visiting in our house. I
was mortified. DS knows better to hit, and this child is so much smaller
than he and for no real reason (he claims the other child made him drop
his crackers). I immediately made him apologize and sent DS to his room
and he is still sitting there. I brought the other child home and
apologized to the mom. I talked it over with DH and we came up with a
punishment of no friends for five days and he needs to write a letter of
apology to the 5 yo, along with a verbal and heartfelt apology to the
child and his mom. What would you do?

Sounds reasonable to me, except I'd only make him apologise to the child, he
hasn't done (to his mind) anything to the mum. I'd probably do the verbal
apology as something like "I'm sorry I kicked you, and here is a letter
telling you that I'm sorry", rather than making it a separate issue.
Debbie


  #8  
Old November 2nd 08, 01:43 PM posted to misc.kids
Chookie
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Posts: 1,085
Default what to do when your kid hurts another

In article ,
"toypup" wrote:

DS is 7 yo and he kicked his 5 yo friend who was visiting in our house. I
was mortified. DS knows better to hit, and this child is so much smaller
than he and for no real reason (he claims the other child made him drop his
crackers). I immediately made him apologize and sent DS to his room and he
is still sitting there. I brought the other child home and apologized to
the mom. I talked it over with DH and we came up with a punishment of no
friends for five days and he needs to write a letter of apology to the 5 yo,
along with a verbal and heartfelt apology to the child and his mom. What
would you do?


Not anywhere near that. I would have insisted on an apology, but what
followed would have depended somewhat on context. If the victim no longer
wanted to play then I would certainly have taken him home, of course, but most
kids I see seem to forgive each other quickly and just want to get on with
their games. Life is full of little spats and putting them behind us is also
a desirable skill. And little boys are little boys, and they *do* tend to
play fighting games. Note also that a child may by chance land a more painful
blow than they expect - eg, if a kick is aimed at the leg but lands in the
groin.

In my case, DS1 (7yo) kicking someone would be out of character, and I would
be certain he knew it was wrong. He would be distressed if he actually hurt a
friend anyway. I would probably not do more than require an apology of him,
and maybe a time-out while I dealt with the injured party. If physical
aggression is an ongoing problem, that would be different, but I am assuming
that we are talking about a moment of temper which caused no real damage.
(Incidentally, even if there was no damage, I would still inform the other
parent that it happened and apologise.)

Other things I would consider a

Why is dropping your crackers such a bad thing to your son? Was there a
pattern of frustrating interactions with the child that afternoon? Their
ideas of fun games might be too different. Perhaps they will need closer
supervision or organised games.

Did DS have a bad day, less sleep than usual or was he hyped up on sugar?

Was the other child actually hurt? I mean, did the child need more attention
than a moment's cuddle and a Band-Aid? If the child wants Mummy, he is really
hurt, but if he cheers up at the sight of an Elmo Band-Aid, he's fine. I
would be concerned if a 7yo had managed to deliberately inflict serious pain
on a little kid, though as I said, it's usually accidental at that age. They
don't have the coordination to do it deliberately.

In sum, I think the long list of punishments is too much for what I am
assuming is a rare outburst which didn't do much damage. Remember, children
are not little adults, and civilising them is a gradual process.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/
  #9  
Old November 2nd 08, 02:03 PM posted to misc.kids
Sue
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Posts: 613
Default what to do when your kid hurts another

Holy crap, not all of what your planning, that's for sure. Sending the child
home, having your son apologize, and sending your son to his room would be
all I would do. I think you are over-reacting. Kids do this stuff and it's
quite normal. However, no friends for five days is quite a lot and a letter,
and apologizing to the mom is over the top, imo.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"toypup" wrote in message
...
DS is 7 yo and he kicked his 5 yo friend who was visiting in our house. I
was mortified. DS knows better to hit, and this child is so much smaller
than he and for no real reason (he claims the other child made him drop
his crackers). I immediately made him apologize and sent DS to his room
and he is still sitting there. I brought the other child home and
apologized to the mom. I talked it over with DH and we came up with a
punishment of no friends for five days and he needs to write a letter of
apology to the 5 yo, along with a verbal and heartfelt apology to the
child and his mom. What would you do?



  #10  
Old November 2nd 08, 02:35 PM posted to misc.kids
Anthony Summers
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Posts: 4
Default what to do when your kid hurts another

On Sun, 02 Nov 2008 23:43:47 +1100, Chookie wrote...

[snip a lot of very good stuff]


In sum, I think the long list of punishments is too much for what I am
assuming is a rare outburst which didn't do much damage. Remember, children
are not little adults, and civilising them is a gradual process.


Extraordinarily well said, in my opinion. Thank you for posting it.


--
A. Summers || summerstorm0007--at--yahoo.com
 




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