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  #1  
Old October 17th 06, 10:09 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
[email protected]
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Posts: 2
Default Help???

I'm 36 and i've been married for 16 years. I've known for awhile that
our marriage isnt going to last.
My husband is Bipolar, and my health problems, its difficult to even
think of being intimate. I'm tired of the roller coaster ride he puts
me on. He is moodier than any woman. If we seperate, how do you support
2 children on 8dollars an hour? That wont even pay rent. What things do
i need to know before we take the leap into the unknown?
Debi

  #2  
Old October 17th 06, 10:41 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Moon Shyne
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Posts: 427
Default Help???


wrote in message
ups.com...
I'm 36 and i've been married for 16 years. I've known for awhile that
our marriage isnt going to last.
My husband is Bipolar, and my health problems, its difficult to even
think of being intimate. I'm tired of the roller coaster ride he puts
me on. He is moodier than any woman. If we seperate, how do you support
2 children on 8dollars an hour? That wont even pay rent. What things do
i need to know before we take the leap into the unknown?
Debi


This is a forum of people who are knowledgeable about being single parents -
not about the law.

Find yourself a lawyer (and a better job)




  #3  
Old October 18th 06, 04:57 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Bev
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Posts: 196
Default Help???

I've been thinking on this post........I have too much time on my hands
smile
wrote:
I'm 36 and i've been married for 16 years.


You got married young, so did I, same age I believe. Had our first
daughter at age 21. We lasted 5 years actually living in the same
household. It was abusive and I should have known , because it was
before we were married, I got pregnant and *We* did what we thought was
the right thing. Young and scared, both of us I am sure.

I've known for awhile that
our marriage isnt going to last.


How long is a while?

My husband is Bipolar, and my health problems, its difficult to even
think of being intimate.


Physical intimacy can be nice, it's nice and is a nice compliment to a
good relationship but if you are putting it above an emotional and
spiritual intimacy or connection with someone, all you have is sex and
thats really empty. Marriage vows include the words "In sickness and in
health" If the sickness of your spouse creates an abuse towards
yourself or children,I personally feel it ok to break that vow.


I'm tired of the roller coaster ride he puts
me on. He is moodier than any woman.


I don't know about this statement , there are quite a few women out
there that put there partners through PMS and Menapausal psychosis,
which is quite the ride in many a relationship! I have a daughter that
has a mental health diagnosis/disability, I want to believe and hope as
well that one day she will be able to connect with someone and have a
relationship. I have told her that I feel her chances are good as long
as she is honest with the other person from the start about her
illness. I also think if you commit yourself to someone and they become
ill after the commitment was made, unless you are being abused or your
children are abused you don't abandon the commitment. I do not think
much of people that jump ship when thier partners get sick. Where's the
love in that?

If we seperate, how do you support
2 children on 8dollars an hour? That wont even pay rent.


Good question and you do indeed need to ask *yourself * this question
and if there is no immediate need to run from abuse think really hard
on it. 8 bucks is not a lot and although there is help out there to
help you get on your feet, it is a very long hard road, been there and
done it and will always respect and remember it.

As someone else has said think about schooling and training to better
your income possibilities and I think if you focus your thinking and
energy on that you may feel better about yourself which in return may
help your relationship at the same time. If after all is said and done
and the relationship still does not improve you will be ready to know
and accept you did your best ,you tried your best and moving on will be
better for all involved and disreguard my thoughts if anyone is being
abused ! In that case get out!

What things do
i need to know before we take the leap into the unknown?


Debi


Bev

I got a pocket full of pennies! grin

  #4  
Old October 21st 06, 01:45 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Solomother
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Posts: 7
Default Help???

You should make an appointment with your GP, your family doctor. Talk
about your health problems, but also talk about the health problems
your husband has, and see if your doc can recommend a family therapist.
You and your two children need to be in counseling even if your husband
won't agree to it.

A parent's first duty is to protect the children. If your health or
your husband's bi-polar issues are making your children unhappy, you
need to deal with that.

Is your husband on medications?

Some of the first steps towards being single: know your family
finances. Decide how and where you're going to leave -- can you go to
family? Will your husband leave? Do some research into scholarships and
grants, see if you can go back to school. You can't support a family on
$8/hour. These days, you can't do it on $20/hour!

Make a plan. How are you going to make ends meet? Where are you going
to live? Where will the children go to school/daycare? How do you
manage the mechanics of getting to school/work/aftercare? How can you
improve yourself to get a better job that pays more?

I wish you luck. I got onto an airplane with four 70 pound suitcases, a
3 year old, and $400 in my pocket. No home, no job, just the sure
knowledge that I was going somewhere that I had the support I needed.

Christina
http://solomother.com

wrote:
I'm 36 and i've been married for 16 years. I've known for awhile that
our marriage isnt going to last.
My husband is Bipolar, and my health problems, its difficult to even
think of being intimate. I'm tired of the roller coaster ride he puts
me on. He is moodier than any woman. If we seperate, how do you support
2 children on 8dollars an hour? That wont even pay rent. What things do
i need to know before we take the leap into the unknown?
Debi


  #5  
Old October 22nd 06, 04:29 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Solomother
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Posts: 7
Default Help???

Thanks, this reply was winged off in haste, with not enough info about
the situation... and trying to respect the humanity of a person
struggling with mental illness. So, let's see. I was dancing around the
issue of whether the bipolar is causing any physical or mental harm to
the children, the wife, and I know it causes great distress in the
husband... which is what I was ultimately trying to say when I wrote
that a parent's first duty is to protect the children (read: from
bodily or mental harm).

A disfunctional family dealing with what might be an un- or
under-medicated mental condition is a family in crisis, risking
reprocussions that will last years. Which is why I strongly hope that
counseling is in the works.

I agree, you can't and shouldn't protect your child from every little
thing. Folks look at me in askance sometimes when I let my kid do
something that might cause him bodily harm (walking on a wall,
supervised but not holding his hand.) I allow him to explore things
that might cause him some harm, but won't kill him. I let him learn
from his choices and his mistakes.

Unhappy was a euphamism for the bone-crushing hell that dealing with a
disfunctional parent can impose on children, spouses, family. I'm an
adult child of an alcoholic. I know from which I speak. Again,
counseling can help the family work through this phase, work through
the mother's exhaustion, disappointment, bitterness. Help the father
determine a path of medication/counseling that will set him back on his
feet. Help the children see that this is not about them, they did
nothing to cause this, they are blameless and allowed all the mixed
feelings this difficult situation will bring up in them.

As for marriage vows, I agonized over that one before my breakup. A
Muslim friend of mine put it so well: promises in marriage are to be
kept by both parties. Your husband did not keep his promise to you,
even though you tried to keep your promises to him. Love and marriage
cannot survive unless both keep their promises. I could not stay
married, if my husband had done the things yours did.

The husband has an obligation to his family, his self, his marriage, to
be well. He must try his utmost to heal, and his family must be
supportive. If he cannot manage his disease, if his disease is causing
damage to his children, then the mother has an obligation to remove
those children from the damage and help THEM heal.

more like my $2.00 than 2 cents.

Thanks, Kate. Thanks very much for reading all this and all that on
http://solomother.com

Best,
Christina

  #6  
Old October 24th 06, 03:14 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Tiffany
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Posts: 52
Default Help???


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On 22 Oct 2006 08:29:02 -0700, "Solomother"
the following was posted in blue dry
erase marker:

Thanks, this reply was winged off in haste, with not enough info about
the situation... and trying to respect the humanity of a person
struggling with mental illness. So, let's see. I was dancing around the
issue of whether the bipolar is causing any physical or mental harm to
the children, the wife, and I know it causes great distress in the
husband... which is what I was ultimately trying to say when I wrote
that a parent's first duty is to protect the children (read: from
bodily or mental harm).

A disfunctional family dealing with what might be an un- or
under-medicated mental condition is a family in crisis, risking
reprocussions that will last years. Which is why I strongly hope that
counseling is in the works.

I agree, you can't and shouldn't protect your child from every little
thing. Folks look at me in askance sometimes when I let my kid do
something that might cause him bodily harm (walking on a wall,
supervised but not holding his hand.) I allow him to explore things
that might cause him some harm, but won't kill him. I let him learn
from his choices and his mistakes.

Unhappy was a euphamism for the bone-crushing hell that dealing with a
disfunctional parent can impose on children, spouses, family. I'm an
adult child of an alcoholic. I know from which I speak. Again,
counseling can help the family work through this phase, work through
the mother's exhaustion, disappointment, bitterness. Help the father
determine a path of medication/counseling that will set him back on his
feet. Help the children see that this is not about them, they did
nothing to cause this, they are blameless and allowed all the mixed
feelings this difficult situation will bring up in them.

As for marriage vows, I agonized over that one before my breakup. A
Muslim friend of mine put it so well: promises in marriage are to be
kept by both parties. Your husband did not keep his promise to you,
even though you tried to keep your promises to him. Love and marriage
cannot survive unless both keep their promises. I could not stay
married, if my husband had done the things yours did.

The husband has an obligation to his family, his self, his marriage, to
be well. He must try his utmost to heal, and his family must be
supportive. If he cannot manage his disease, if his disease is causing
damage to his children, then the mother has an obligation to remove
those children from the damage and help THEM heal.

more like my $2.00 than 2 cents.

Thanks, Kate. Thanks very much for reading all this and all that on
http://solomother.com

Best,
Christina


Awesome post, Christina. I especially liked what you wrote about
marriage promises, the limits of honoring one's commitment, and the
obligation to the children.

I think you were right to ask about how the illnesses (both medical and
mental) affect the children. I only though to respond to the question
asked... how do you support two children on $8. an hour. I often get
short on time, too.




8/hour?? You better get lots of gov. help, that's how.

I have different feelings about dealing with Bi-polar and other mental
disorders. (I think we have been here before.) I admire anyone willing to
handle that situation.

Yes, in sickness and health. Do you think a women should stay with a man who
becomes a drug addict, which is considered by some to be an illness? Do you
think its ok to raise a child around a drug user so that the kid can see
this drug use first hand?

This is in interesting situation, I don't know what to say. I think we all
have to follow our hearts and intuitions and not just stay in a marriage
because we should, as defined by society. If you can't handle the situation,
get out. But don't get out until you can support that decision on your own.
That means financially too.

Kate always has a great view. Listen to her! She is our resident counselor.



 




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