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Single Older Mom



 
 
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  #1  
Old December 10th 06, 08:48 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
[email protected]
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Posts: 3
Default Single Older Mom

Hi! I'm a retired older mom (in her 60's) who has pretty much raised
her kids (who are all in their 40s) alone. Father-still alive- but
little contact/support and never has been. Stepfather died 20+ years
ago. I had just turned 40...3 were out of highschool and the youngest
was in the 3rd year of high school.

Problem is I know have the opportunity to move approx. 2-3 hrs from
'home'. It is a location that we are all familiar with and love. It
would help me tremendously. I 'retired' from my full time job a few
years ago but still work part time. In the last year, I find I am
getting more tired, really don't want to work any longer...but
financially 'must' with where I currently live. This move gives me
that opportunity of not working and sharing expenses with my sister and
brother-in-law. Yes..we have gone over all kind of scenarios of 'ifs'.
Problem is 3 of my 4 children are ok with this. I have 1 who is
really upset. She has 3 teenagers who I am close with and do quite a
bit of 'errands' with. I have tried to say to them, it is only 2.5 hrs
away and I think I would probably see all of my children/grandchildren
more and with better quality time. I still plan on being with them on
special occassions and holidays and expect to come back 'here' about
every 4-5 weeks and spend a day or two with each of them... IF THEY ARE
EVEN AVAILBABLE. They all have very busy lives. I could take them
shopping and not have to charge it. In the summer, they could come for
a visit...beach/boardwalk/shoppingoutlets. I feel I talk to them,
email them more than anything. When I do see them it is usually to
grab 30/60 min. here and there! I am probably home alone and eat
alone 25 out of 30 days/nights. You get the gist.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

  #2  
Old December 10th 06, 10:11 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
Banty
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Posts: 2,278
Default Single Older Mom

In article . com,
says...

Hi! I'm a retired older mom (in her 60's) who has pretty much raised
her kids (who are all in their 40s) alone. Father-still alive- but
little contact/support and never has been. Stepfather died 20+ years
ago. I had just turned 40...3 were out of highschool and the youngest
was in the 3rd year of high school.

Problem is I know have the opportunity to move approx. 2-3 hrs from
'home'. It is a location that we are all familiar with and love. It
would help me tremendously. I 'retired' from my full time job a few
years ago but still work part time. In the last year, I find I am
getting more tired, really don't want to work any longer...but
financially 'must' with where I currently live. This move gives me
that opportunity of not working and sharing expenses with my sister and
brother-in-law. Yes..we have gone over all kind of scenarios of 'ifs'.
Problem is 3 of my 4 children are ok with this. I have 1 who is
really upset. She has 3 teenagers who I am close with and do quite a
bit of 'errands' with. I have tried to say to them, it is only 2.5 hrs
away and I think I would probably see all of my children/grandchildren
more and with better quality time. I still plan on being with them on
special occassions and holidays and expect to come back 'here' about
every 4-5 weeks and spend a day or two with each of them... IF THEY ARE
EVEN AVAILBABLE. They all have very busy lives. I could take them
shopping and not have to charge it. In the summer, they could come for
a visit...beach/boardwalk/shoppingoutlets. I feel I talk to them,
email them more than anything. When I do see them it is usually to
grab 30/60 min. here and there! I am probably home alone and eat
alone 25 out of 30 days/nights. You get the gist.

Does anyone have any suggestions?


Maybe I missed this - "home" is where you are now? Or where you were when you
were raising your kids? The fourth grown child who is upset - she lives very
close to where you are now like a few minutes' drive?

I think the basic thing is that you need to think about your own needs and don't
need permission from your own grown children. If you were moving much farther
away, I'd start to say that there are natural consequences to removing yourself
from family. That would be, say, retiring to Florida leaving all the grown kids
and their families in New York (so extremely common to seem to be the norm).
But it still would be your right to do that, but their right to determine how
much they can do to keep the family relationhip going.

But a coupla hours' drive - naw, you're not really removing yourselves from
their lives, and they really can be making these adjustments. It affects you
much much more than it affects them after all. When you get settled, start
inviting the girls for things - even create some new family traditions.

I assume your sis and BIL are totally and enthusiastically on board with this
arrangement...

Other than that, I don't think you've been clear enough for me to say much more.

Cheers,
Banty

  #3  
Old December 11th 06, 01:23 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
Paula
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Posts: 14
Default Single Older Mom

On Sun, 10 Dec 2006 14:48:14 EST, wrote:

Does anyone have any suggestions?


Tell the child who is upset that you need to be where you don't have
to work any more and it will be a good move for you, though of course
you are sorry you will be farther away from them. Point out, however,
that you will also have a lot more free time since you won't have to
work, so you will be able to call, write, visit as much as you used to
even with the longer distance. Write down what you have done with the
grandkids in the last month living close by. If it has been so many
hours of talking with a couple hours of face to face time, make a plan
for how that is going to continue wherever you are. You do have the
right to live where it is best for you to live and your grown children
should be happy for what interaction they have without expecting or
demanding it. It is not your job to help raise your grandchildren. To
the extent it is your mutual pleasure to have a close relationship,
that can be maintained from a couple hours away. My dad lives more
than 2 hours' driving distance from me and we still see him at least
once a month and call and email several times per week and he works
full time so it all has to happen on weekends. My kids would love to
have him move into our house, never mind our neighborhood, but they
are fine with seeing him as often as they do and are extremely close
to him. You can be close without having to be as close physically as
well.

--
Paula
"Anyway, other people are weird, but sometimes they have candy,
so it's best to try to get along with them." Joe Bay

  #4  
Old December 11th 06, 03:11 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
Jayne Ashworth
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Posts: 1
Default Single Older Mom

Do they have a computer with Internet access? Or can
get they get to one? School? Library? If you can
find a way for them to be in contact via chat (or, if
there is a camera available, via a video and chat
connection), then you could schedule times to stay in
touch without being geographically co-located. If
they don't have cell phones (and parents are agreeable),
a pre-paid cell phone (so they cannot go over their
minutes!) where you can text with them might also provide
frequent contact. If you do for one set of grandkids,
you likely have to do for all, so see if everyone can
get on-board and help with the finances to stay in
touch. :-) And plan now for times to get together
through the year - a long weekend here, perhaps a week
there, you travel once then they travel. Find a way to
retire. Life's too short to spend it working forever
(unless that is really your thing, which it sounds like
it might not be.)

Jayne
contemplating retirement someday ...

  #6  
Old December 11th 06, 04:01 PM posted to misc.kids.moderated
[email protected]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 3
Default Single Older Mom

Thanks for your input. Yes...all the grandkids are computer literate
and most have cell phones and text messaging.
The daughter and teenage grandchildren that are upset are always
communicating by email, text messaging, cell phones, and they even have
a Web-Cam. Their father is a director of information technology so
they have all the latest bells and whistles. I had planned on getting
a web-cam for myself and would probably purchase one for each of my
other 3 children's family as they are not that expensive. For
instance, last night, the oldest grandchild turned 19 and we were all
out for dinner. They were telling me..see nana you would miss this
dinner..dinner was about 90 min. My reply was, No..I would not..and
you probably would have been stuck with me staying with you from Friday
afternoon to Monday morning. I know they know how to use 'chat rooms'
and I am sure I could learn that also. I use emails all the time.
Also, told them Xmas Eve would not change because I would still spend
it with them and then go to my other children on Xmas Day. We all see
each other the day after, as my youngest has a party for everyone. She
really is the most 'family' oriented. We shall see!

Jayne Ashworth wrote:
Do they have a computer with Internet access? Or can
get they get to one? School? Library? If you can
find a way for them to be in contact via chat (or, if
there is a camera available, via a video and chat
connection), then you could schedule times to stay in
touch without being geographically co-located. If
they don't have cell phones (and parents are agreeable),
a pre-paid cell phone (so they cannot go over their
minutes!) where you can text with them might also provide
frequent contact. If you do for one set of grandkids,
you likely have to do for all, so see if everyone can
get on-board and help with the finances to stay in
touch. :-) And plan now for times to get together
through the year - a long weekend here, perhaps a week
there, you travel once then they travel. Find a way to
retire. Life's too short to spend it working forever
(unless that is really your thing, which it sounds like
it might not be.)

Jayne
contemplating retirement someday ...


  #7  
Old December 12th 06, 04:37 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
[email protected]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 3
Default Single Older Mom

My daughter has a great husband and beautiful home, good jobs,
etc....just the stress of raising teenage girls as alot of us have been
thru. I think the fact that their father and I divorced when they were
young and he was never alot of support along with the fact that my 2nd
husband and I were only married 8 yrs when he died unexpectedly has
brought us very close together. They all felt like 'their father' died
when it was their step-father. She and her husband always say how much
they appreciate what I do for them and at times don't know what they
would do without my help. They do show their appreciation monetarily
also.

I've told the 14 and 15 yr old that they could come down in the summer
and we could go shopping, to the beach, boardwalk, etc. Both my sister
and I have quite a few kids with families, and expect some of them to
come visit and stay with us and others will stay in a hotel/condo. In
the summer, it is quite expensive to stay in a condo ($2000/wk) or
hotel ($200+night). I told the 19 yr old, she and her boyfriend could
come down for a w/e and have a place to stay...just can't sleep
together :-)

I know it would all work out and it would just take time for them to
see that not really that much would change...it is just the initial
break.\

Louise wrote:
On Sun, 10 Dec 2006 14:48:14 EST, wrote:


Problem is I know have the opportunity to move approx. 2-3 hrs from
'home'. [...]
Problem is 3 of my 4 children are ok with this. I have 1 who is
really upset. She has 3 teenagers who I am close with and do quite a
bit of 'errands' with.


It sounds to me as if your daughter has been taking your help for
granted -- that what she's going to miss isn't your company as much as
she's going to miss your help with her kids. Does your daughter have
a partner and other supporters?

I think you should make the move, because it sounds right for you. I
also think you should continue to reach out to your children and
grandchildren, but not just by you travelling to them. Invite them
to visit you too. For a grandchild's visit, you can buy a bus ticket
and pull out an air mattress. You can let your children know about
nearby motels and bed&breakfast places, so you can invite them for
weekends without feeling obligated to put them all up.

Louise


 




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