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My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)



 
 
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  #1  
Old June 7th 06, 06:58 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
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Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)

Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...

Saturday... Sucked. Norm went to 'work' but as usual, nothing but a lie.
Came home at his convenience, bla bla bla. We ended up getting into a
fairly heated argument about lying and trust and all that, and then to cut
that short, 8am Sunday morning, it's like he's watching the clock and takes
off downstairs. I ended up getting up with him, as I find I always do no
matter what, and almost instantly, he's outside dicking around with his pos
bike 'fixing' it... B was off at my parents' place since Saturday afternoon
(spent the night there) and A was still fast asleep. I figured she wouldn't
be up until close to 10, as we had a fairly late night the night before... I
then suggested we go upstairs, maybe a nice hot shower and then crawl back
into bed. He tells me that sounds like a fine idea and he's done with the
bike, go start the shower, he'll be right up.

I start the shower and wait about 5 minutes and guess who's not there? I
run downstairs back out to the yard to see if he's going to be a while - no
sense leaving the shower run if he figures he's going to be at the bike for
another 10 or 15 minutes... He's gone. As if I didn't know this, though,
because I did. I had a feeling that morning since 8am when he magically
woke up before 11am. So, I head back upstairs, get in the shower and have a
nice hot shower. I was thinking (although I didn't believe it) that maybe
he just went to the gas station to fill the bike's tires up as he had
mentioned the day before, or maybe he was just taking the bike out for a
quick spin. As if I really believed that though.

All Sunday, MIA, as usual. Doesn't come home, doesn't call, nothing.

He left his bank card with me the night before, so later Sunday afternoon I
hit Walmart and get diapers and all that - stuff he knew we needed. Fairly
uneventful afternoon and evening, and I had a pretty good sleep... Woke up
once to visit the washroom and...

6am Monday morning, I wake up when the phone rings, thinking it better be an
emergency for someone to wake me up half an hour-45 minutes before I have to
wake up to get B off to school... It's the boss. Ha. He asks if Norm's up
and about yet - he's on his way. I simply said I have no idea if Norm's up,
although I doubt he would be. Obviously confused, the boss is wondering
what I mean. I, for the first time, didn't lie or cover for Norm, as I have
in the past - oh, he's sick this morning... He was up all night sick...
Whatever. This time, I simply said I have no idea where he is, I really
don't care where he is, he took off 9am on Sunday and hasn't been seen or
heard from since. I did apologize to the boss, but whatever. Not my
business, problem or concern. The boss sounded fairly ripped with his,
"F*ck, whatever. Thanks." I told him I'd pass along a message should I
hear from Norm, which I also told him I doubted I would.
So, Norm's got the maturity level of a bag of shelled peanuts. Didn't even
have the respect or decency to call his boss and even say something like,
"Man, I'm so sorry, ****'s hit the fan and I just need a bit of time... I
just need a day or two (or however long) to get things back in order..." or,
"I hate to do this to you, but I'm staying at this address... Would you be
able to pick me up from there for work?" Even, "Gee, I'm not at home right
now and I am going to be walking/taking the bus/riding a bike to work, so I
might be a bit later if it takes me a bit longer to get there, but I will be
at work." Nothing. Didn't call the boss, didn't care that he knows the
boss would be calling the house when he was on his way in the morning. Oh,
duh, I'm not even there! Maybe I'll avoid wasting HIS time and having him
call and wake the house up at 6am!

So, anyways, obviously didn't go to work on Monday. Monday night, we had my
brother's birthday... We were supposed to go over there for dinner... I
called my brother earlier in the afternoon to wish him a quick happy
birthday, and he asked who's all coming... I told him I would be coming with
the kids... Who else would be coming? He asked if Norm was going to make it
(seems my brother really does like him and they seem to get along real well)
and I felt horrible, but my bro sounded a bit hurt, almost, when he asked
about Norm and I told my brother that Norm most likely won't be there, as I
haven't a clue where he is, and I'm not going to beg him to come to the
birthday, obviously... Anyways, birthday went just fine, until about 530 or
so when my dad hears there's a voice mail on my cell... My dad heard my
diaper bag talking to him as he walked in the door, and I saw I had a
message... I saw it was Norm's mom calling, and since the day before I had
called her to ask her for a phone number, I thought maybe she was getting
back to me once she got home from work. No, I didn't have the brains to
check the message first, I just picked up my mom's phone and called her
back. It was Norm. I told him right up I was sorry I called, I had thought
maybe it was his mom returning my call. He said he left me a message, and
he wants his money and his bank card, and he wants it now. Sorry about your
luck, hon, but I'm on the other side of the city, and the steaks are done
and we are all sitting down to eat... Then there's cake and presents as
well, sucks to be you. He just keeps bitching about his money (that I took
almost all of it out to get diapers and pay the rent and all that)...
Anyways, I eventually check my voice mail, and he leaves a nasty message of
how he expects I will be dropping his bank card and money off at his mom's
house, but he will not be there when I drop it off. I ended up talking to
him for a little, asking him if all he really cares about is his bloody bank
card and money, and I told him I was not going to drop everything to bring
him his card. He knows where my mom lives, he knows where we live. I told
him I am NOT going to run around the city chasing after him at his every
call, since the last time we did that 4 months ago, B was seriously injured
and coulda, shoulda, woulda, we all could have been dead. During the phone
conversation, about 15 minutes long, he calms down and becomes human again.
He tells me to call him back 'when I'm done' - I told him if he wants to
talk to me, HE can call me. He knows our phone number, he knows the cell
number. HE can call, and I told him to call. Any time after 8 when the
cell is free to call and talk on. He said he'd call right around 8pm that
night.

Did he call? Of course not! Did I expect him to call? Do you really think
I'm still that stupid??

So, that brings us to today, Tuesday. To date, he has yet to call. He has
yet to show up or anything like that. Do I really care? Not really, but
maybe a bit... I was talking to a girl friend last night, and then again
this morning, and we had a good talk. I decided I was going to swallow my
pride. I went down, this morning, to the damned welfare office and made an
appointment. At this point, no one is going to hire me to work. I'm sick
of Norm coming and going as he pleases, having everything on HIS terms. For
the next little while, I am going to swallow my pride and get help and get
back on my feet. Show him I don't *need* him for us to survive. At least
for a while, I'll have that small bit of security that rent will get paid...
Bills won't pile up, food will be on the table for meals, there will be
diapers...

I came home, around 1115am, and I see there's a few messages left for me on
M$N... All from guess who! He said something along the lines of, "I really
don't know what to say" - "I miss the kids" - "I miss you :'(" (something
like that) I replied back, simply, that I can't tell him what to say or
what he should say. I miss him too, and both the kids surely miss him, but
this is nothing new. You know how to contact me, and all it takes is a
phone call if you just want to touch base. I'm not in the mood to fight or
make demands. He didn't reply, and come 6ish when his mom gets home from
work, he was logged off and she signed in. No more him since the morning.
No calls, again, even when I was gone, no more messages or anything. MIA,
as usual.
I then talked to my mom a bit earlier, and after a few minutes, she then
told me I should be going down to the welfare place. I didn't tell her
earlier today I already had, I said I would do this tomorrow. The good
thing that she said, and that I had already thought of, was I would then not
need to try and fight maintenance enforcement. Welfare will do that dirty
work for me. I also need to get the maintenance for B upped - he's getting
damn expensive - and get something in place for A. Welfare will do both of
those things, and they will do it faster and more efficiently, and I should
just be able to wait it out. With B's maintenance payments raised and with
something in order for A, bye bye to welfare... I believe I could make it on
that alone (this is assuming something can be changed, and hopefully go for
the max amount) until I can get back in school and working, which I
definitely plan to do, but obviously can't really consider just yet.

So anyways, that brings me to where I am right now. Sure, I feel so tired
of everything, and yes, I do love the jerk, although I do not love the
jerkish things he does. As of now, I've had a lot of time to sit and
think... Where am I? Where should I be? Where do I want to be? How do I
make it work for me, and the kids? Right now, I have it all planned - but
then again, when do plans ever really pan out exactly how you want and like
them to???

He's gone. I made that clear to him on Monday. I don't want or need him
back here, and he can now take some time to decide what he wants. He can
see and do what it takes for him to make his own decisions like a big boy.
If that takes 2 months, fine. If it takes 6 months, fine. If it never
happens, well, at least I will know that, and there's no reason for this
crap to happen. It doesn't do anyone any good at all. Let him go, set him
free. I need it, he needs it. Everyone needs that right now more than
ever. This time, though, it's going to be on MY terms. He's going to have
to prove anything he says, because, quite frankly, I'm not going to buy his
bs stories any more. I'm not going to give him my trust - he's lost it one
time now too many, and trust is something he now has to earn back and he has
to prove he wants and needs. I'm going to play it safe. I am thinking I'll
just lay low and see where things go.

Now, let's just say for argument's sake, he stays gone for oh, 3 months
(keep it simple). He does everything he can to gain and earn and keep
trust... Maybe he drops by to visit with the kids, and even me, maybe has
supper but goes wherever his home may be at the time... He helps put the
kids to bed, maybe we watch some TV, both get tired and he heads off home.
He goes to work every day and doesn't blow money - on stupid things, video
games, booze, drugs, eating out at restaurants every day - just becomes more
responsible in the sensible way... Provides money to help with life - maybe
swings by with some groceries for all of us to have supper and a bag of
diapers... This goes on for some time, things (obviously best case scenario)
seem to be great. He calls when he says he'll call, he shows up when he
says he'll come visit, he'll take the kids to the part when he promises them
that, whatever... Then, I guess, see how it goes... Maybe things will change
and almost be like a new start. Keep in mind, best case scenario... Maybe
consider some individual councilling, maybe try the couples one or maybe
even a family therapist of some sort... Is this kind of expectation
unrealistic? Is it possible for things to be downright horrible, yet saved
somehow?

I just think best case scenario is he pulls his socks up and grows up.
Worst case scenario is he doesn't, but at least we'll be out of it all and
don't have constant **** to dig out of all the time. Middle ground would be
he turns out to be an awesome part time dad - like if we just keep to being
civil and loving and not really together. For now, I said, this is a break.
He said he agreed. I had told him straight up that I am NOT and I will not
be looking for someone else, someone better, someone new - this is the
truth. He told me he would never do that either and that he misses me and
does love me, but right now, things aren't good - I did agree, and that is
one thing I do trust him on.

I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad bad
situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning out
just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is
any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are?
Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance that's
still there?


  #2  
Old June 7th 06, 01:51 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"xkatx" wrote in message
news:[email protected]
Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...



He isn't going to change so get that out of your head. Don't live with that
thought and your actions will reflect that. You need to do what you need to
do.

You also need to allow him to see his kids whenever he wants to or can. The
kids are not part of this game.

Good luck. Again.


  #3  
Old June 7th 06, 01:53 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 05:58:13 GMT, "xkatx" the following
was posted in blue dry erase marker:

Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...

Saturday... Sucked. Norm went to 'work' but as usual, nothing but a lie.
Came home at his convenience, bla bla bla. We ended up getting into a
fairly heated argument about lying and trust and all that, and then to cut
that short, 8am Sunday morning, it's like he's watching the clock and
takes
off downstairs. I ended up getting up with him, as I find I always do no
matter what, and almost instantly, he's outside dicking around with his
pos
bike 'fixing' it... B was off at my parents' place since Saturday
afternoon
(spent the night there) and A was still fast asleep. I figured she
wouldn't
be up until close to 10, as we had a fairly late night the night before...
I
then suggested we go upstairs, maybe a nice hot shower and then crawl back
into bed. He tells me that sounds like a fine idea and he's done with the
bike, go start the shower, he'll be right up.

I start the shower and wait about 5 minutes and guess who's not there? I
run downstairs back out to the yard to see if he's going to be a while -
no
sense leaving the shower run if he figures he's going to be at the bike
for
another 10 or 15 minutes... He's gone. As if I didn't know this, though,
because I did. I had a feeling that morning since 8am when he magically
woke up before 11am. So, I head back upstairs, get in the shower and have
a
nice hot shower. I was thinking (although I didn't believe it) that maybe
he just went to the gas station to fill the bike's tires up as he had
mentioned the day before, or maybe he was just taking the bike out for a
quick spin. As if I really believed that though.

All Sunday, MIA, as usual. Doesn't come home, doesn't call, nothing.

He left his bank card with me the night before, so later Sunday afternoon
I
hit Walmart and get diapers and all that - stuff he knew we needed.
Fairly
uneventful afternoon and evening, and I had a pretty good sleep... Woke up
once to visit the washroom and...

6am Monday morning, I wake up when the phone rings, thinking it better be
an
emergency for someone to wake me up half an hour-45 minutes before I have
to
wake up to get B off to school... It's the boss. Ha. He asks if Norm's
up
and about yet - he's on his way. I simply said I have no idea if Norm's
up,
although I doubt he would be. Obviously confused, the boss is wondering
what I mean. I, for the first time, didn't lie or cover for Norm, as I
have
in the past - oh, he's sick this morning... He was up all night sick...
Whatever. This time, I simply said I have no idea where he is, I really
don't care where he is, he took off 9am on Sunday and hasn't been seen or
heard from since. I did apologize to the boss, but whatever. Not my
business, problem or concern. The boss sounded fairly ripped with his,
"F*ck, whatever. Thanks." I told him I'd pass along a message should I
hear from Norm, which I also told him I doubted I would.
So, Norm's got the maturity level of a bag of shelled peanuts. Didn't
even
have the respect or decency to call his boss and even say something like,
"Man, I'm so sorry, ****'s hit the fan and I just need a bit of time... I
just need a day or two (or however long) to get things back in order..."
or,
"I hate to do this to you, but I'm staying at this address... Would you be
able to pick me up from there for work?" Even, "Gee, I'm not at home
right
now and I am going to be walking/taking the bus/riding a bike to work, so
I
might be a bit later if it takes me a bit longer to get there, but I will
be
at work." Nothing. Didn't call the boss, didn't care that he knows the
boss would be calling the house when he was on his way in the morning.
Oh,
duh, I'm not even there! Maybe I'll avoid wasting HIS time and having him
call and wake the house up at 6am!

So, anyways, obviously didn't go to work on Monday. Monday night, we had
my
brother's birthday... We were supposed to go over there for dinner... I
called my brother earlier in the afternoon to wish him a quick happy
birthday, and he asked who's all coming... I told him I would be coming
with
the kids... Who else would be coming? He asked if Norm was going to make
it
(seems my brother really does like him and they seem to get along real
well)
and I felt horrible, but my bro sounded a bit hurt, almost, when he asked
about Norm and I told my brother that Norm most likely won't be there, as
I
haven't a clue where he is, and I'm not going to beg him to come to the
birthday, obviously... Anyways, birthday went just fine, until about 530
or
so when my dad hears there's a voice mail on my cell... My dad heard my
diaper bag talking to him as he walked in the door, and I saw I had a
message... I saw it was Norm's mom calling, and since the day before I had
called her to ask her for a phone number, I thought maybe she was getting
back to me once she got home from work. No, I didn't have the brains to
check the message first, I just picked up my mom's phone and called her
back. It was Norm. I told him right up I was sorry I called, I had
thought
maybe it was his mom returning my call. He said he left me a message, and
he wants his money and his bank card, and he wants it now. Sorry about
your
luck, hon, but I'm on the other side of the city, and the steaks are done
and we are all sitting down to eat... Then there's cake and presents as
well, sucks to be you. He just keeps bitching about his money (that I
took
almost all of it out to get diapers and pay the rent and all that)...
Anyways, I eventually check my voice mail, and he leaves a nasty message
of
how he expects I will be dropping his bank card and money off at his mom's
house, but he will not be there when I drop it off. I ended up talking
to
him for a little, asking him if all he really cares about is his bloody
bank
card and money, and I told him I was not going to drop everything to bring
him his card. He knows where my mom lives, he knows where we live. I
told
him I am NOT going to run around the city chasing after him at his every
call, since the last time we did that 4 months ago, B was seriously
injured
and coulda, shoulda, woulda, we all could have been dead. During the
phone
conversation, about 15 minutes long, he calms down and becomes human
again.
He tells me to call him back 'when I'm done' - I told him if he wants to
talk to me, HE can call me. He knows our phone number, he knows the cell
number. HE can call, and I told him to call. Any time after 8 when the
cell is free to call and talk on. He said he'd call right around 8pm that
night.

Did he call? Of course not! Did I expect him to call? Do you really
think
I'm still that stupid??

So, that brings us to today, Tuesday. To date, he has yet to call. He
has
yet to show up or anything like that. Do I really care? Not really, but
maybe a bit... I was talking to a girl friend last night, and then again
this morning, and we had a good talk. I decided I was going to swallow my
pride. I went down, this morning, to the damned welfare office and made
an
appointment. At this point, no one is going to hire me to work. I'm sick
of Norm coming and going as he pleases, having everything on HIS terms.
For
the next little while, I am going to swallow my pride and get help and get
back on my feet. Show him I don't *need* him for us to survive. At least
for a while, I'll have that small bit of security that rent will get
paid...
Bills won't pile up, food will be on the table for meals, there will be
diapers...

I came home, around 1115am, and I see there's a few messages left for me
on
M$N... All from guess who! He said something along the lines of, "I
really
don't know what to say" - "I miss the kids" - "I miss you :'(" (something
like that) I replied back, simply, that I can't tell him what to say or
what he should say. I miss him too, and both the kids surely miss him,
but
this is nothing new. You know how to contact me, and all it takes is a
phone call if you just want to touch base. I'm not in the mood to fight
or
make demands. He didn't reply, and come 6ish when his mom gets home from
work, he was logged off and she signed in. No more him since the morning.
No calls, again, even when I was gone, no more messages or anything. MIA,
as usual.
I then talked to my mom a bit earlier, and after a few minutes, she then
told me I should be going down to the welfare place. I didn't tell her
earlier today I already had, I said I would do this tomorrow. The good
thing that she said, and that I had already thought of, was I would then
not
need to try and fight maintenance enforcement. Welfare will do that dirty
work for me. I also need to get the maintenance for B upped - he's
getting
damn expensive - and get something in place for A. Welfare will do both
of
those things, and they will do it faster and more efficiently, and I
should
just be able to wait it out. With B's maintenance payments raised and
with
something in order for A, bye bye to welfare... I believe I could make it
on
that alone (this is assuming something can be changed, and hopefully go
for
the max amount) until I can get back in school and working, which I
definitely plan to do, but obviously can't really consider just yet.

So anyways, that brings me to where I am right now. Sure, I feel so tired
of everything, and yes, I do love the jerk, although I do not love the
jerkish things he does. As of now, I've had a lot of time to sit and
think... Where am I? Where should I be? Where do I want to be? How do I
make it work for me, and the kids? Right now, I have it all planned - but
then again, when do plans ever really pan out exactly how you want and
like
them to???

He's gone. I made that clear to him on Monday. I don't want or need him
back here, and he can now take some time to decide what he wants. He can
see and do what it takes for him to make his own decisions like a big boy.
If that takes 2 months, fine. If it takes 6 months, fine. If it never
happens, well, at least I will know that, and there's no reason for this
crap to happen. It doesn't do anyone any good at all. Let him go, set
him
free. I need it, he needs it. Everyone needs that right now more than
ever. This time, though, it's going to be on MY terms. He's going to
have
to prove anything he says, because, quite frankly, I'm not going to buy
his
bs stories any more. I'm not going to give him my trust - he's lost it
one
time now too many, and trust is something he now has to earn back and he
has
to prove he wants and needs. I'm going to play it safe. I am thinking
I'll
just lay low and see where things go.

Now, let's just say for argument's sake, he stays gone for oh, 3 months
(keep it simple). He does everything he can to gain and earn and keep
trust... Maybe he drops by to visit with the kids, and even me, maybe has
supper but goes wherever his home may be at the time... He helps put the
kids to bed, maybe we watch some TV, both get tired and he heads off home.
He goes to work every day and doesn't blow money - on stupid things, video
games, booze, drugs, eating out at restaurants every day - just becomes
more
responsible in the sensible way... Provides money to help with life -
maybe
swings by with some groceries for all of us to have supper and a bag of
diapers... This goes on for some time, things (obviously best case
scenario)
seem to be great. He calls when he says he'll call, he shows up when he
says he'll come visit, he'll take the kids to the part when he promises
them
that, whatever... Then, I guess, see how it goes... Maybe things will
change
and almost be like a new start. Keep in mind, best case scenario... Maybe
consider some individual councilling, maybe try the couples one or maybe
even a family therapist of some sort... Is this kind of expectation
unrealistic? Is it possible for things to be downright horrible, yet
saved
somehow?

I just think best case scenario is he pulls his socks up and grows up.
Worst case scenario is he doesn't, but at least we'll be out of it all and
don't have constant **** to dig out of all the time. Middle ground would
be
he turns out to be an awesome part time dad - like if we just keep to
being
civil and loving and not really together. For now, I said, this is a
break.
He said he agreed. I had told him straight up that I am NOT and I will
not
be looking for someone else, someone better, someone new - this is the
truth. He told me he would never do that either and that he misses me and
does love me, but right now, things aren't good - I did agree, and that is
one thing I do trust him on.

I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad
bad
situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning
out
just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is
any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are?
Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance that's
still there?


I think you've got your head on straighter than it's been in awhile.
Pregnancy will do that. I've known more than a handful of women who
straightened things out for themselves while in "nesting" mode. We sure
do a lot for our kids.

I can't argue with you on what's going on and how harmful it is for the
family to have a sometimes daddy. I hope that he can pull himself up and
commit to staying clean, keeping a job, and being faithful. I think it
can happen and it does happen often. Men sometimes run a little scared
when there's a baby due too. Maybe some of this is because of that. It
was one thing when the kids weren't "his" ... I don't know. Just
throwing stuff out there for you to ask him about.

I do believe that the turmoil that you're in is going to be more
productive than the stuck feeling that you lived with for so long. I
don't know if Norm is going to be able to straighten up. I think he can.
I hope he does.

I think counseling is a good idea (of course I would). I think you
should go too. And if you want to aim toward saving the relationship in
time, then see a Marriage/Family Therapist. The training is better for
dealing with multiple problems. Norm has had a rough time of getting his
life together and keeping it together and they know the way to figure
out how that happens for him - to get to the core issues. And they will
help you to uncover whatever it is that makes your relationships take
the path they've taken.

You are an amazing young woman. Have I told you that? You have your
family's support. You have support here too.

Hugs,
'Kate



I would agree that he can change if this pattern hasn't been established
already. He will change but not for xkatx. Just my two sense.


  #4  
Old June 7th 06, 03:01 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
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Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 05:58:13 GMT, "xkatx" the following
was posted in blue dry erase marker:

Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...

Saturday... Sucked. Norm went to 'work' but as usual, nothing but a lie.
Came home at his convenience, bla bla bla. We ended up getting into a
fairly heated argument about lying and trust and all that, and then to cut
that short, 8am Sunday morning, it's like he's watching the clock and
takes
off downstairs. I ended up getting up with him, as I find I always do no
matter what, and almost instantly, he's outside dicking around with his
pos
bike 'fixing' it... B was off at my parents' place since Saturday
afternoon
(spent the night there) and A was still fast asleep. I figured she
wouldn't
be up until close to 10, as we had a fairly late night the night before...
I
then suggested we go upstairs, maybe a nice hot shower and then crawl back
into bed. He tells me that sounds like a fine idea and he's done with the
bike, go start the shower, he'll be right up.

I start the shower and wait about 5 minutes and guess who's not there? I
run downstairs back out to the yard to see if he's going to be a while -
no
sense leaving the shower run if he figures he's going to be at the bike
for
another 10 or 15 minutes... He's gone. As if I didn't know this, though,
because I did. I had a feeling that morning since 8am when he magically
woke up before 11am. So, I head back upstairs, get in the shower and have
a
nice hot shower. I was thinking (although I didn't believe it) that maybe
he just went to the gas station to fill the bike's tires up as he had
mentioned the day before, or maybe he was just taking the bike out for a
quick spin. As if I really believed that though.

All Sunday, MIA, as usual. Doesn't come home, doesn't call, nothing.

He left his bank card with me the night before, so later Sunday afternoon
I
hit Walmart and get diapers and all that - stuff he knew we needed.
Fairly
uneventful afternoon and evening, and I had a pretty good sleep... Woke up
once to visit the washroom and...

6am Monday morning, I wake up when the phone rings, thinking it better be
an
emergency for someone to wake me up half an hour-45 minutes before I have
to
wake up to get B off to school... It's the boss. Ha. He asks if Norm's
up
and about yet - he's on his way. I simply said I have no idea if Norm's
up,
although I doubt he would be. Obviously confused, the boss is wondering
what I mean. I, for the first time, didn't lie or cover for Norm, as I
have
in the past - oh, he's sick this morning... He was up all night sick...
Whatever. This time, I simply said I have no idea where he is, I really
don't care where he is, he took off 9am on Sunday and hasn't been seen or
heard from since. I did apologize to the boss, but whatever. Not my
business, problem or concern. The boss sounded fairly ripped with his,
"F*ck, whatever. Thanks." I told him I'd pass along a message should I
hear from Norm, which I also told him I doubted I would.
So, Norm's got the maturity level of a bag of shelled peanuts. Didn't
even
have the respect or decency to call his boss and even say something like,
"Man, I'm so sorry, ****'s hit the fan and I just need a bit of time... I
just need a day or two (or however long) to get things back in order..."
or,
"I hate to do this to you, but I'm staying at this address... Would you be
able to pick me up from there for work?" Even, "Gee, I'm not at home
right
now and I am going to be walking/taking the bus/riding a bike to work, so
I
might be a bit later if it takes me a bit longer to get there, but I will
be
at work." Nothing. Didn't call the boss, didn't care that he knows the
boss would be calling the house when he was on his way in the morning.
Oh,
duh, I'm not even there! Maybe I'll avoid wasting HIS time and having him
call and wake the house up at 6am!

So, anyways, obviously didn't go to work on Monday. Monday night, we had
my
brother's birthday... We were supposed to go over there for dinner... I
called my brother earlier in the afternoon to wish him a quick happy
birthday, and he asked who's all coming... I told him I would be coming
with
the kids... Who else would be coming? He asked if Norm was going to make
it
(seems my brother really does like him and they seem to get along real
well)
and I felt horrible, but my bro sounded a bit hurt, almost, when he asked
about Norm and I told my brother that Norm most likely won't be there, as
I
haven't a clue where he is, and I'm not going to beg him to come to the
birthday, obviously... Anyways, birthday went just fine, until about 530
or
so when my dad hears there's a voice mail on my cell... My dad heard my
diaper bag talking to him as he walked in the door, and I saw I had a
message... I saw it was Norm's mom calling, and since the day before I had
called her to ask her for a phone number, I thought maybe she was getting
back to me once she got home from work. No, I didn't have the brains to
check the message first, I just picked up my mom's phone and called her
back. It was Norm. I told him right up I was sorry I called, I had
thought
maybe it was his mom returning my call. He said he left me a message, and
he wants his money and his bank card, and he wants it now. Sorry about
your
luck, hon, but I'm on the other side of the city, and the steaks are done
and we are all sitting down to eat... Then there's cake and presents as
well, sucks to be you. He just keeps bitching about his money (that I
took
almost all of it out to get diapers and pay the rent and all that)...
Anyways, I eventually check my voice mail, and he leaves a nasty message
of
how he expects I will be dropping his bank card and money off at his mom's
house, but he will not be there when I drop it off. I ended up talking
to
him for a little, asking him if all he really cares about is his bloody
bank
card and money, and I told him I was not going to drop everything to bring
him his card. He knows where my mom lives, he knows where we live. I
told
him I am NOT going to run around the city chasing after him at his every
call, since the last time we did that 4 months ago, B was seriously
injured
and coulda, shoulda, woulda, we all could have been dead. During the
phone
conversation, about 15 minutes long, he calms down and becomes human
again.
He tells me to call him back 'when I'm done' - I told him if he wants to
talk to me, HE can call me. He knows our phone number, he knows the cell
number. HE can call, and I told him to call. Any time after 8 when the
cell is free to call and talk on. He said he'd call right around 8pm that
night.

Did he call? Of course not! Did I expect him to call? Do you really
think
I'm still that stupid??

So, that brings us to today, Tuesday. To date, he has yet to call. He
has
yet to show up or anything like that. Do I really care? Not really, but
maybe a bit... I was talking to a girl friend last night, and then again
this morning, and we had a good talk. I decided I was going to swallow my
pride. I went down, this morning, to the damned welfare office and made
an
appointment. At this point, no one is going to hire me to work. I'm sick
of Norm coming and going as he pleases, having everything on HIS terms.
For
the next little while, I am going to swallow my pride and get help and get
back on my feet. Show him I don't *need* him for us to survive. At least
for a while, I'll have that small bit of security that rent will get
paid...
Bills won't pile up, food will be on the table for meals, there will be
diapers...

I came home, around 1115am, and I see there's a few messages left for me
on
M$N... All from guess who! He said something along the lines of, "I
really
don't know what to say" - "I miss the kids" - "I miss you :'(" (something
like that) I replied back, simply, that I can't tell him what to say or
what he should say. I miss him too, and both the kids surely miss him,
but
this is nothing new. You know how to contact me, and all it takes is a
phone call if you just want to touch base. I'm not in the mood to fight
or
make demands. He didn't reply, and come 6ish when his mom gets home from
work, he was logged off and she signed in. No more him since the morning.
No calls, again, even when I was gone, no more messages or anything. MIA,
as usual.
I then talked to my mom a bit earlier, and after a few minutes, she then
told me I should be going down to the welfare place. I didn't tell her
earlier today I already had, I said I would do this tomorrow. The good
thing that she said, and that I had already thought of, was I would then
not
need to try and fight maintenance enforcement. Welfare will do that dirty
work for me. I also need to get the maintenance for B upped - he's
getting
damn expensive - and get something in place for A. Welfare will do both
of
those things, and they will do it faster and more efficiently, and I
should
just be able to wait it out. With B's maintenance payments raised and
with
something in order for A, bye bye to welfare... I believe I could make it
on
that alone (this is assuming something can be changed, and hopefully go
for
the max amount) until I can get back in school and working, which I
definitely plan to do, but obviously can't really consider just yet.

So anyways, that brings me to where I am right now. Sure, I feel so tired
of everything, and yes, I do love the jerk, although I do not love the
jerkish things he does. As of now, I've had a lot of time to sit and
think... Where am I? Where should I be? Where do I want to be? How do I
make it work for me, and the kids? Right now, I have it all planned - but
then again, when do plans ever really pan out exactly how you want and
like
them to???

He's gone. I made that clear to him on Monday. I don't want or need him
back here, and he can now take some time to decide what he wants. He can
see and do what it takes for him to make his own decisions like a big boy.
If that takes 2 months, fine. If it takes 6 months, fine. If it never
happens, well, at least I will know that, and there's no reason for this
crap to happen. It doesn't do anyone any good at all. Let him go, set
him
free. I need it, he needs it. Everyone needs that right now more than
ever. This time, though, it's going to be on MY terms. He's going to
have
to prove anything he says, because, quite frankly, I'm not going to buy
his
bs stories any more. I'm not going to give him my trust - he's lost it
one
time now too many, and trust is something he now has to earn back and he
has
to prove he wants and needs. I'm going to play it safe. I am thinking
I'll
just lay low and see where things go.

Now, let's just say for argument's sake, he stays gone for oh, 3 months
(keep it simple). He does everything he can to gain and earn and keep
trust... Maybe he drops by to visit with the kids, and even me, maybe has
supper but goes wherever his home may be at the time... He helps put the
kids to bed, maybe we watch some TV, both get tired and he heads off home.
He goes to work every day and doesn't blow money - on stupid things, video
games, booze, drugs, eating out at restaurants every day - just becomes
more
responsible in the sensible way... Provides money to help with life -
maybe
swings by with some groceries for all of us to have supper and a bag of
diapers... This goes on for some time, things (obviously best case
scenario)
seem to be great. He calls when he says he'll call, he shows up when he
says he'll come visit, he'll take the kids to the part when he promises
them
that, whatever... Then, I guess, see how it goes... Maybe things will
change
and almost be like a new start. Keep in mind, best case scenario... Maybe
consider some individual councilling, maybe try the couples one or maybe
even a family therapist of some sort... Is this kind of expectation
unrealistic? Is it possible for things to be downright horrible, yet
saved
somehow?

I just think best case scenario is he pulls his socks up and grows up.
Worst case scenario is he doesn't, but at least we'll be out of it all and
don't have constant **** to dig out of all the time. Middle ground would
be
he turns out to be an awesome part time dad - like if we just keep to
being
civil and loving and not really together. For now, I said, this is a
break.
He said he agreed. I had told him straight up that I am NOT and I will
not
be looking for someone else, someone better, someone new - this is the
truth. He told me he would never do that either and that he misses me and
does love me, but right now, things aren't good - I did agree, and that is
one thing I do trust him on.

I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad
bad
situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning
out
just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is
any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are?
Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance that's
still there?


I think you've got your head on straighter than it's been in awhile.
Pregnancy will do that. I've known more than a handful of women who
straightened things out for themselves while in "nesting" mode. We sure
do a lot for our kids.


I'm just going to wait it out. Do what has to be done.

I can't argue with you on what's going on and how harmful it is for the
family to have a sometimes daddy. I hope that he can pull himself up and
commit to staying clean, keeping a job, and being faithful. I think it
can happen and it does happen often. Men sometimes run a little scared
when there's a baby due too. Maybe some of this is because of that. It
was one thing when the kids weren't "his" ... I don't know. Just
throwing stuff out there for you to ask him about.


Well, obviously, 2 full time parents are clearly the best and ideal
situation. 2 full time parents without all the issues and problems ALL the
time. Sometimes, though, I do know that this is not always possible. A
regular, full time parent that is seen on a part time, regular and normal
basis could be almost as good, assuming that parent can be responsible and
mature enough, or am I totally wrong? A parent coming and going as they
please, when they want, doing as they please and putting themself first and
showing their face at their convenience, I see, has no benefits at all...
He could be a little scared, but this isn't anything new to him, nor are his
actions/reactions all that new.

I do believe that the turmoil that you're in is going to be more
productive than the stuck feeling that you lived with for so long. I
don't know if Norm is going to be able to straighten up. I think he can.
I hope he does.


I know he *can* but it's not about can or can't... It's will or won't.
THAT, though, is being left up to him. I'm not going to make suggestions to
him. I'm not going to make choices for him. Maybe that's what I've been
doing and that's what he doesn't like at all. The choices he's been making,
though, just aren't going to cut it here. As a parent, you often have no
choice but to put yourself on the back burner at times - especially with
little ones. Sure, we all need time alone, but generally, the world stops
revolving around you and revolves around the kids. That's just the way it
seems to go. My life always seems to come second (and no, I really don't
mind so much) because when a diaper needs changing, it doesn't matter if
there's a no commercial on. When meal times come around, it's not like it's
a surprise and that time just pops out of nowhere. When someone's sick, it
really doesn't matter. I might have the biggest migraine, tired as a dog
because I was up sick all night puking, but in the morning, I still need to
make breakfast, get ready for school and all that. A kid can be sick all
night long, and that simply means I am up all night long calming someone
down, cleaning up vomit, running around getting a glass of water or cough
syrup.

I think counseling is a good idea (of course I would). I think you
should go too. And if you want to aim toward saving the relationship in
time, then see a Marriage/Family Therapist. The training is better for
dealing with multiple problems. Norm has had a rough time of getting his
life together and keeping it together and they know the way to figure
out how that happens for him - to get to the core issues. And they will
help you to uncover whatever it is that makes your relationships take
the path they've taken.


About a month ago, he said that he might need some counseling for himself.
He knows and sees he has problems that date back to long, long ago. I do
think a lot of the problems have nothing at all to do with me personally,
it's just things about him that he has trouble dealing with to this day. I
do know that it's not actually me.
We did try the family counseling with very little luck. I didn't care much
for that lady, neither did he. She did seem to be on HIS case a lot - a
little too much maybe, and I just found that neither of us really wanted to
see her. Maybe a change of person might be needed. Either way, some type
of therapist might help just to settle things down and get things sorted out
so the outcome is a lot different than how things are right now and have
been.
Things are fairly different now, though. This time, I won't just give in
tomorrow or next week. When he cries about how much he misses us and wants
to come home, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to drag all of us
out and about all over the place if he says let's all go out for supper and
once the kids go to bed, let's 'talk' - I'm really not in the talking mood,
as I feel I've said over and over anything I've wanted to say. All I really
have to say for now is straighten up and grow up. I don't need to hear
words, promises, lies. I need to see actions, as they really do speak
volumes. I'm really not mad or angry, and I am past the point of feeling
frustrated.

You are an amazing young woman. Have I told you that? You have your
family's support. You have support here too.

Hugs,
'Kate


Heh, no, I don't think so! I know my parents and family like the guy. I
think they're just at the point where they're fed up with both him and I and
all the garbage. They seem more willing to help out with what they can and
what is reasonable if I am ready to get my act together and if he is. I
know the most important thing to me, as well as my family, is the kids.
Making sure they're safe, happy, fed, whatever, and not in a crappy
position.


  #5  
Old June 7th 06, 03:01 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"Tiffany" wrote in message
news:[email protected]

"xkatx" wrote in message
news:[email protected]
Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...



He isn't going to change so get that out of your head. Don't live with
that thought and your actions will reflect that. You need to do what you
need to do.


Right now I am doing all I need to do - just to survive. He now has the
chance to make decision on his own - I'm not going to be there to make
decisions for him anymore. This is his time, *IF* he chooses, to make his
changes, even gradual ones if need be, and if he makes the choice to not
change, then fine. That's the main reason I am not getting hopes up for
anything at all. I'll be ready for whatever the outcome is.

You also need to allow him to see his kids whenever he wants to or can.
The kids are not part of this game.

Good luck. Again.


He actually had the chance to see them whenever he wanted to or can. At
this point, which either way is not permanent, he's not going to be coming
around here, and that's if he likes it or not, and that's because I am
pulling them out of *his* game. At this point in time, he will not be
around here at all until the time comes (if and when) he can make the choice
to NOT be coming around them when drugs are involved. There's no way I'm
going to allow this anymore. Once again, it comes down to being his own big
boy choice about that. He can't have his issues like that AND the kids at
the same time. It's just not going to work that way, and I know that no one
would ever, in their right mind, allow kids to be tossed into bad
situations, and I am doing what I can to get the bad situations out of here
and avoid them all together.
I know that either way, things will take time. If it takes him 2 months to
realize he wants to see them and be around here, in those 2 months he also
needs to realize that he cannot be drunk or high at any point when the kids
are around.
That's the one and only thing that I am going to keep my foot down on, other
than all the things that need to change should he decide he wants to
actually be *here* - and this is all about what he controls for himself.


  #6  
Old June 7th 06, 03:08 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
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Posts: n/a
Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"Tiffany" wrote in message
news:g%[email protected]

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 05:58:13 GMT, "xkatx" the following
was posted in blue dry erase marker:

Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...

Saturday... Sucked. Norm went to 'work' but as usual, nothing but a lie.
Came home at his convenience, bla bla bla. We ended up getting into a
fairly heated argument about lying and trust and all that, and then to
cut
that short, 8am Sunday morning, it's like he's watching the clock and
takes
off downstairs. I ended up getting up with him, as I find I always do no
matter what, and almost instantly, he's outside dicking around with his
pos
bike 'fixing' it... B was off at my parents' place since Saturday
afternoon
(spent the night there) and A was still fast asleep. I figured she
wouldn't
be up until close to 10, as we had a fairly late night the night
before... I
then suggested we go upstairs, maybe a nice hot shower and then crawl
back
into bed. He tells me that sounds like a fine idea and he's done with
the
bike, go start the shower, he'll be right up.

I start the shower and wait about 5 minutes and guess who's not there? I
run downstairs back out to the yard to see if he's going to be a while -
no
sense leaving the shower run if he figures he's going to be at the bike
for
another 10 or 15 minutes... He's gone. As if I didn't know this, though,
because I did. I had a feeling that morning since 8am when he magically
woke up before 11am. So, I head back upstairs, get in the shower and
have a
nice hot shower. I was thinking (although I didn't believe it) that
maybe
he just went to the gas station to fill the bike's tires up as he had
mentioned the day before, or maybe he was just taking the bike out for a
quick spin. As if I really believed that though.

All Sunday, MIA, as usual. Doesn't come home, doesn't call, nothing.

He left his bank card with me the night before, so later Sunday afternoon
I
hit Walmart and get diapers and all that - stuff he knew we needed.
Fairly
uneventful afternoon and evening, and I had a pretty good sleep... Woke
up
once to visit the washroom and...

6am Monday morning, I wake up when the phone rings, thinking it better be
an
emergency for someone to wake me up half an hour-45 minutes before I have
to
wake up to get B off to school... It's the boss. Ha. He asks if Norm's
up
and about yet - he's on his way. I simply said I have no idea if Norm's
up,
although I doubt he would be. Obviously confused, the boss is wondering
what I mean. I, for the first time, didn't lie or cover for Norm, as I
have
in the past - oh, he's sick this morning... He was up all night sick...
Whatever. This time, I simply said I have no idea where he is, I really
don't care where he is, he took off 9am on Sunday and hasn't been seen or
heard from since. I did apologize to the boss, but whatever. Not my
business, problem or concern. The boss sounded fairly ripped with his,
"F*ck, whatever. Thanks." I told him I'd pass along a message should I
hear from Norm, which I also told him I doubted I would.
So, Norm's got the maturity level of a bag of shelled peanuts. Didn't
even
have the respect or decency to call his boss and even say something like,
"Man, I'm so sorry, ****'s hit the fan and I just need a bit of time... I
just need a day or two (or however long) to get things back in order..."
or,
"I hate to do this to you, but I'm staying at this address... Would you
be
able to pick me up from there for work?" Even, "Gee, I'm not at home
right
now and I am going to be walking/taking the bus/riding a bike to work, so
I
might be a bit later if it takes me a bit longer to get there, but I will
be
at work." Nothing. Didn't call the boss, didn't care that he knows the
boss would be calling the house when he was on his way in the morning.
Oh,
duh, I'm not even there! Maybe I'll avoid wasting HIS time and having
him
call and wake the house up at 6am!

So, anyways, obviously didn't go to work on Monday. Monday night, we had
my
brother's birthday... We were supposed to go over there for dinner... I
called my brother earlier in the afternoon to wish him a quick happy
birthday, and he asked who's all coming... I told him I would be coming
with
the kids... Who else would be coming? He asked if Norm was going to make
it
(seems my brother really does like him and they seem to get along real
well)
and I felt horrible, but my bro sounded a bit hurt, almost, when he asked
about Norm and I told my brother that Norm most likely won't be there, as
I
haven't a clue where he is, and I'm not going to beg him to come to the
birthday, obviously... Anyways, birthday went just fine, until about 530
or
so when my dad hears there's a voice mail on my cell... My dad heard my
diaper bag talking to him as he walked in the door, and I saw I had a
message... I saw it was Norm's mom calling, and since the day before I
had
called her to ask her for a phone number, I thought maybe she was getting
back to me once she got home from work. No, I didn't have the brains to
check the message first, I just picked up my mom's phone and called her
back. It was Norm. I told him right up I was sorry I called, I had
thought
maybe it was his mom returning my call. He said he left me a message,
and
he wants his money and his bank card, and he wants it now. Sorry about
your
luck, hon, but I'm on the other side of the city, and the steaks are done
and we are all sitting down to eat... Then there's cake and presents as
well, sucks to be you. He just keeps bitching about his money (that I
took
almost all of it out to get diapers and pay the rent and all that)...
Anyways, I eventually check my voice mail, and he leaves a nasty message
of
how he expects I will be dropping his bank card and money off at his
mom's
house, but he will not be there when I drop it off. I ended up talking
to
him for a little, asking him if all he really cares about is his bloody
bank
card and money, and I told him I was not going to drop everything to
bring
him his card. He knows where my mom lives, he knows where we live. I
told
him I am NOT going to run around the city chasing after him at his every
call, since the last time we did that 4 months ago, B was seriously
injured
and coulda, shoulda, woulda, we all could have been dead. During the
phone
conversation, about 15 minutes long, he calms down and becomes human
again.
He tells me to call him back 'when I'm done' - I told him if he wants to
talk to me, HE can call me. He knows our phone number, he knows the cell
number. HE can call, and I told him to call. Any time after 8 when the
cell is free to call and talk on. He said he'd call right around 8pm
that
night.

Did he call? Of course not! Did I expect him to call? Do you really
think
I'm still that stupid??

So, that brings us to today, Tuesday. To date, he has yet to call. He
has
yet to show up or anything like that. Do I really care? Not really, but
maybe a bit... I was talking to a girl friend last night, and then again
this morning, and we had a good talk. I decided I was going to swallow
my
pride. I went down, this morning, to the damned welfare office and made
an
appointment. At this point, no one is going to hire me to work. I'm
sick
of Norm coming and going as he pleases, having everything on HIS terms.
For
the next little while, I am going to swallow my pride and get help and
get
back on my feet. Show him I don't *need* him for us to survive. At
least
for a while, I'll have that small bit of security that rent will get
paid...
Bills won't pile up, food will be on the table for meals, there will be
diapers...

I came home, around 1115am, and I see there's a few messages left for me
on
M$N... All from guess who! He said something along the lines of, "I
really
don't know what to say" - "I miss the kids" - "I miss you :'("
(something
like that) I replied back, simply, that I can't tell him what to say or
what he should say. I miss him too, and both the kids surely miss him,
but
this is nothing new. You know how to contact me, and all it takes is a
phone call if you just want to touch base. I'm not in the mood to fight
or
make demands. He didn't reply, and come 6ish when his mom gets home from
work, he was logged off and she signed in. No more him since the
morning.
No calls, again, even when I was gone, no more messages or anything.
MIA,
as usual.
I then talked to my mom a bit earlier, and after a few minutes, she then
told me I should be going down to the welfare place. I didn't tell her
earlier today I already had, I said I would do this tomorrow. The good
thing that she said, and that I had already thought of, was I would then
not
need to try and fight maintenance enforcement. Welfare will do that
dirty
work for me. I also need to get the maintenance for B upped - he's
getting
damn expensive - and get something in place for A. Welfare will do both
of
those things, and they will do it faster and more efficiently, and I
should
just be able to wait it out. With B's maintenance payments raised and
with
something in order for A, bye bye to welfare... I believe I could make it
on
that alone (this is assuming something can be changed, and hopefully go
for
the max amount) until I can get back in school and working, which I
definitely plan to do, but obviously can't really consider just yet.

So anyways, that brings me to where I am right now. Sure, I feel so
tired
of everything, and yes, I do love the jerk, although I do not love the
jerkish things he does. As of now, I've had a lot of time to sit and
think... Where am I? Where should I be? Where do I want to be? How do
I
make it work for me, and the kids? Right now, I have it all planned -
but
then again, when do plans ever really pan out exactly how you want and
like
them to???

He's gone. I made that clear to him on Monday. I don't want or need him
back here, and he can now take some time to decide what he wants. He can
see and do what it takes for him to make his own decisions like a big
boy.
If that takes 2 months, fine. If it takes 6 months, fine. If it never
happens, well, at least I will know that, and there's no reason for this
crap to happen. It doesn't do anyone any good at all. Let him go, set
him
free. I need it, he needs it. Everyone needs that right now more than
ever. This time, though, it's going to be on MY terms. He's going to
have
to prove anything he says, because, quite frankly, I'm not going to buy
his
bs stories any more. I'm not going to give him my trust - he's lost it
one
time now too many, and trust is something he now has to earn back and he
has
to prove he wants and needs. I'm going to play it safe. I am thinking
I'll
just lay low and see where things go.

Now, let's just say for argument's sake, he stays gone for oh, 3 months
(keep it simple). He does everything he can to gain and earn and keep
trust... Maybe he drops by to visit with the kids, and even me, maybe
has
supper but goes wherever his home may be at the time... He helps put the
kids to bed, maybe we watch some TV, both get tired and he heads off
home.
He goes to work every day and doesn't blow money - on stupid things,
video
games, booze, drugs, eating out at restaurants every day - just becomes
more
responsible in the sensible way... Provides money to help with life -
maybe
swings by with some groceries for all of us to have supper and a bag of
diapers... This goes on for some time, things (obviously best case
scenario)
seem to be great. He calls when he says he'll call, he shows up when he
says he'll come visit, he'll take the kids to the part when he promises
them
that, whatever... Then, I guess, see how it goes... Maybe things will
change
and almost be like a new start. Keep in mind, best case scenario...
Maybe
consider some individual councilling, maybe try the couples one or maybe
even a family therapist of some sort... Is this kind of expectation
unrealistic? Is it possible for things to be downright horrible, yet
saved
somehow?

I just think best case scenario is he pulls his socks up and grows up.
Worst case scenario is he doesn't, but at least we'll be out of it all
and
don't have constant **** to dig out of all the time. Middle ground would
be
he turns out to be an awesome part time dad - like if we just keep to
being
civil and loving and not really together. For now, I said, this is a
break.
He said he agreed. I had told him straight up that I am NOT and I will
not
be looking for someone else, someone better, someone new - this is the
truth. He told me he would never do that either and that he misses me
and
does love me, but right now, things aren't good - I did agree, and that
is
one thing I do trust him on.

I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad
bad
situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning
out
just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is
any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are?
Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance
that's
still there?


I think you've got your head on straighter than it's been in awhile.
Pregnancy will do that. I've known more than a handful of women who
straightened things out for themselves while in "nesting" mode. We sure
do a lot for our kids.

I can't argue with you on what's going on and how harmful it is for the
family to have a sometimes daddy. I hope that he can pull himself up and
commit to staying clean, keeping a job, and being faithful. I think it
can happen and it does happen often. Men sometimes run a little scared
when there's a baby due too. Maybe some of this is because of that. It
was one thing when the kids weren't "his" ... I don't know. Just
throwing stuff out there for you to ask him about.

I do believe that the turmoil that you're in is going to be more
productive than the stuck feeling that you lived with for so long. I
don't know if Norm is going to be able to straighten up. I think he can.
I hope he does.

I think counseling is a good idea (of course I would). I think you
should go too. And if you want to aim toward saving the relationship in
time, then see a Marriage/Family Therapist. The training is better for
dealing with multiple problems. Norm has had a rough time of getting his
life together and keeping it together and they know the way to figure
out how that happens for him - to get to the core issues. And they will
help you to uncover whatever it is that makes your relationships take
the path they've taken.

You are an amazing young woman. Have I told you that? You have your
family's support. You have support here too.

Hugs,
'Kate



I would agree that he can change if this pattern hasn't been established
already. He will change but not for xkatx. Just my two sense.


I just think he can and will change only if he wants to. He needs to do
that the most for himself. If a person makes changes about or for themself,
then those involved will be directly affected. This is change for the good
or bad. I can't *make* him change. There's no way I can just say, "Hey,
you're being an asshat. Change it now!" because that's not going to be how
anything happens. I can, and have, said that the way things are right now
are not acceptable. I can also make the general household rules - the ones
that stick for me, him, the kids - like, meals are made, dishes are done,
toys are picked up, bed time is this time, whatever. The 'rules' for hiim
and I would be the same, basically, where there's no need or excuse for
outward lying, no sneaking around, no drugs in or around the house, no
getting wasted when the kids are home... Whatever it may be (this is
assuming you're in a 'family' situation, obviously)
Even if a generally undesirable pattern has been has been set and in act for
a long time, still, patterns can be changed, and obviously expecting a
correction in behavior or actions is not ideal or realistic - I think of
B... He went through a biting stage. Very inappropriate and not right.
That took some work, but it changed and he does not bite. He also went
through a hitting stage. That also took a lot of effort, but that pattern
was altered and he doesn't hit when angry. I used to spend my nights out
and about. That all changed when I had a baby to get up with at night and a
child to care for. Things can change, but, you have to want to make those
personal changes for yourself, or no?


  #7  
Old June 8th 06, 12:01 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 14:01:01 GMT, in alt.support.single-parents you
wrote:


Well, obviously, 2 full time parents are clearly the best and ideal
situation. 2 full time parents without all the issues and problems ALL
the
time. Sometimes, though, I do know that this is not always possible. A
regular, full time parent that is seen on a part time, regular and normal
basis could be almost as good, assuming that parent can be responsible and
mature enough, or am I totally wrong? A parent coming and going as they
please, when they want, doing as they please and putting themself first
and
showing their face at their convenience, I see, has no benefits at all...


I agree to a point. Single parent households can be as functional as two
parent households. A lot depends on how reliable that single parent is
and how well he/she can meet the needs of the children. However, you
have very young children. I think you're going to need help from your
parents or other family members to make this work. No one person can be
up all night with a newborn, handle a toddler and a preschooler/
school-aged kid without some help.


Single parent households can and are as functional as 2 parent households a
lot of the time. This is obviously ideal conditions I'm talking about...
Like with both parents together, both being stable. This goes the same for
single parent families... The parent being stable and all that. A 2 parent
household with one or both parents being unstable OR a single parent
household with the other parent being unstable is obviously not good. Don't
need a parent *or* parents who are unreliable, unstable, unrealistic,
untrusting/worthy, unavailable, does their own thing and thinks only of
themselves.

He could be a little scared, but this isn't anything new to him, nor are
his
actions/reactions all that new.



I do believe that the turmoil that you're in is going to be more
productive than the stuck feeling that you lived with for so long. I
don't know if Norm is going to be able to straighten up. I think he can.
I hope he does.


I know he *can* but it's not about can or can't... It's will or won't.
THAT, though, is being left up to him. I'm not going to make suggestions
to
him. I'm not going to make choices for him. Maybe that's what I've been
doing and that's what he doesn't like at all. The choices he's been
making,
though, just aren't going to cut it here. As a parent, you often have no
choice but to put yourself on the back burner at times - especially with
little ones. Sure, we all need time alone, but generally, the world stops
revolving around you and revolves around the kids. That's just the way it
seems to go. My life always seems to come second (and no, I really don't
mind so much) because when a diaper needs changing, it doesn't matter if
there's a no commercial on. When meal times come around, it's not like
it's
a surprise and that time just pops out of nowhere. When someone's sick,
it
really doesn't matter. I might have the biggest migraine, tired as a dog
because I was up sick all night puking, but in the morning, I still need
to
make breakfast, get ready for school and all that. A kid can be sick all
night long, and that simply means I am up all night long calming someone
down, cleaning up vomit, running around getting a glass of water or cough
syrup.


And then that time comes when they're all in school and they grow up and
don't need us as much and we're totally unfamiliar with our own
feelings, needs, and goals. That's how it is.


lol Yes, I'm really not sure if that's something to look forward to or
not... It just seems to be the way it goes.

I think counseling is a good idea (of course I would). I think you
should go too. And if you want to aim toward saving the relationship in
time, then see a Marriage/Family Therapist. The training is better for
dealing with multiple problems. Norm has had a rough time of getting his
life together and keeping it together and they know the way to figure
out how that happens for him - to get to the core issues. And they will
help you to uncover whatever it is that makes your relationships take
the path they've taken.


About a month ago, he said that he might need some counseling for himself.
He knows and sees he has problems that date back to long, long ago. I do
think a lot of the problems have nothing at all to do with me personally,
it's just things about him that he has trouble dealing with to this day.
I
do know that it's not actually me.
We did try the family counseling with very little luck. I didn't care
much
for that lady, neither did he. She did seem to be on HIS case a lot - a
little too much maybe, and I just found that neither of us really wanted
to
see her. Maybe a change of person might be needed. Either way, some type
of therapist might help just to settle things down and get things sorted
out
so the outcome is a lot different than how things are right now and have
been.


I think the right therapist could. I would find out the training and
background of the person doing therapy, make sure that he/she is
currently licensed, and try it for three visits. If he/she cannot
connect with you or your situation in that period of time, it is time to
look for someone else.


That crazy lady we had just wasn't doing it. I just didn't care for a Judge
Judy that has sides picked out right from the get go.
And, to be honest, I really don't know if I even care to try some therapy
again. Been there, done that. I really don't feel it should be up to me to
be begging and pleading with him. If he wants to suggest it, though, I
wouldn't turn it down. I really honestly don't know if I care to suggest
it, as I already have. I almost feel that if he wants some sort of therapy
for himself, great. If he wants for us, great. If he wants the entire
family, great. If he can't come up with it on his own, I guess I'm kind of
at the point to say screw it, I'm done trying with that type of stuff. Not
sure right now if that's the right attitude I should have, but it is.

Things are fairly different now, though. This time, I won't just give in
tomorrow or next week. When he cries about how much he misses us and
wants
to come home, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to drag all of us
out and about all over the place if he says let's all go out for supper
and
once the kids go to bed, let's 'talk' - I'm really not in the talking
mood,
as I feel I've said over and over anything I've wanted to say. All I
really
have to say for now is straighten up and grow up. I don't need to hear
words, promises, lies. I need to see actions, as they really do speak
volumes. I'm really not mad or angry, and I am past the point of feeling
frustrated.


Some of the best work gets done when you are able to look at a situation
objectively.


Yea, I just kind of feel whatever.

You are an amazing young woman. Have I told you that? You have your
family's support. You have support here too.

Hugs,
'Kate


Heh, no, I don't think so! I know my parents and family like the guy. I
think they're just at the point where they're fed up with both him and I
and
all the garbage. They seem more willing to help out with what they can
and
what is reasonable if I am ready to get my act together and if he is. I
know the most important thing to me, as well as my family, is the kids.
Making sure they're safe, happy, fed, whatever, and not in a crappy
position.



:-) Absolutely!

Count on yourself and be accountable to yourself. He's an adult. He
needs to be the same - able to be accountable to himself.

I think it might be helpful for you to make a list of what you expect
from him and how he can earn his way back in to your family. For
example, holding a job and not being absent from the job for 6 months,
therapy during that time, then he can have weekends with the kids...
that kind of thing. It may help him work toward something and give him
reason to straighten up. The ball is in your court.

Hugs,
'Kate


But it's not like he doesn't know how I feel or what I think or want or
anything like that. Again, it's been there, done that.
I guess I'm feeling that if he wants any part of us he's going to have to
figure that out on his own. Should I really sit down alone and write out 5
lines or 5 miles worth of lines of what I want or need or expect? And if I
do, and he just brushes it off, that energy could very well have been spent
elsewhere and more productively. Maybe I am at the point where I'm fed up.
Maybe I'm even far past that point. The ball IS in my court, but maybe this
needs to be HIS game to deal the cards out the way he wants to or feels he
should.
He had called me this morning, maybe 1030ish. He said he needs some money,
if I have any left (I had his bank card and got some valid things we need -
diapers, some groceries, things that are understandable, didn't waste the
money away) and also pulled the rest of it out of the account and stashed a
bit away and put some away for rent and all that... Kind of like emergency
money. He called to ask if I had any left and if he could come pick it up.
Wah wah, he obviously doesn't have money for food, smokes, pot, booze or to
just blow away. Something about needing to go downtown, whatever. I told
him the baby's sleeping, I have some things to do in the afternoon and he is
not welcome to come and go, in and out, when the kids are around to see. At
this point, I do believe they've gone through enough of wondering if he's
coming home and if he's going to stay. I also told him that he can and will
bring my tire for my bike that he helped himself to.
He was here around 11. He wanted some cash (I had already stashed a bit of
it away) and he wanted to change his clothes. Luckily he didn't have the
balls to have a shower first - I would have exploded. He has no clean
clothes - I haven't done wash for about a week, and I just started on that
today, and I've been tossing his dirty clothes aside. Why should *I* wash
his clothes anyway?? So he pulls out his jeans, fairly dirty and definitely
needing a wash and changes, grabs a few small things - pocket things - and
he stays for a little bit. He accuses me of cheating, in an indirect way.
He has something odd and big in his pocket, and it's this bottle of lube we
had bought at the 'adult' toy party a month or so ago. At first he won't
let me see what it was in his pocket when I questioned it, then he said it
was a drink of some sort - some energy drink. Now I know for sure he's
lying and I ask him if it's that bottle of lube. He, of course, denies it,
and at this point I *know* what it is. I'm not stupid. I ask him if he's
cheating on me, and he instantly says no. That's one thing I've never
feared - I know he'd never cheat on me, but right then, I'm wondering why
the heck he's sneaking that away...
He then said he was going to take it so I couldn't use it. I asked him what
on earth I would need to use it for - he knows I'm not one to sit alone with
a bottle of lube. He's always known that, as it's been like that from day
1. He then said that I had the bottle sitting on the bed side table - last
he saw it, it was on the dresser across the room - and asks why I had the
massage oil candle and the massage hand held thing in the bathroom... Duh,
retard... Before you decided to take off on Sunday morning, did I not
suggest we go upstairs and have a shower??? We often have candles if we
relax in the shower or bath, and the bottle?? Yes, it was on the dresser,
which was piled sky high with dirty clothes on it and around it, and he DID
notice I was sorting and gathering laundry and I had put it on the bed side
table when I had found it knocked into the pile of laundry from the dresser
to the floor! At this point, I'm more insulted and hurt than anything, and
he actually apologized and said that it did make sense and he believed me.
Damn right... Better believe me because I have never lied about that. He's
the one hiding about, he knows where I am pretty much all day and night, as
I can't just up and leave the kids to go where I please - it's him that's
off to who knows where, doesn't call, no one's seen him, whatever.
Of course I was fairly angry and hurt, insulted, and he ended up tossing
that bottle back on the table and said that this was the only reason he was
taking it - so I couldn't and wouldn't use it. Like as if I'd really *need*
it in the crazy scenario in his mind... If I was really going to do that,
would I really care and make a big deal??
So anyways, he takes his money that I didn't squirrel away, and says he's
gotta walk to the store to get some change for the bus to go do whatever
downtown. He asks me if I want anything from the store and I said sure. He
then says that if he's getting me something at the store, he's gotta come
back here, and I said that was fine. He left to go to the store - 5 mins
max walking away, and it's now 5pm. Looong walk to the store, yet I didn't
hold my breath for him to come back for obvious reasons. And yet another
strike for him.
Before he left, when we were just sitting for a bit, he gives his great,
famous lines... He says this is so hard for him - knowing he can't and
shouldn't come back to stay. (I did make that clear to him and he's alright
with that, or more understanding, I guess, than alright with it) He gave me
the same lines about how he misses me and the kids, he loves me, bla bla
bla. I listened but I didn't give in or anything like that. I've also
heard all this before, but all I've seen is the complete opposite. Now I
don't want to hear it, I need to see it.
Before he got lost going to the store and finding his way home, he said, if
I was alright with it, he would like to stop by later this evening. I told
him straight up, again, that I cannot handle him coming around just yet when
the kids are up and around. He said he would come by in the evening, asked
if 9 was alright, once they're settled and sleeping. I told him that was
fine, but he needs to call first - once again, I won't hold my breath
because I'm too young to die just yet. It's 5, so supper time right away
then get the kids off to bed shortly after, and if he calls, then that might
be one less strike, and if he doesn't call, I guess it goes down with the
rest of everything else lately. Either way, whatever. I don't believe him
when he makes promises, and if he does choose (or "remembers") to call, then
fine. Small step forward. Doesn't call, big step backwards. But, again,
either way, not my doing.


  #8  
Old June 8th 06, 02:57 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


xkatx wrote:
Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...

snipped for space

I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad bad
situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning out
just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is
any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are?
Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance that's
still there?


Kat,

I have been busy , very busy drowning in lifes wonderful ups and downs.
I was sure I am having the toughest time than anyone until I read your
"life". I'm older maybe by ...oh 10 , 15 , er maybe even 20 years LOL!
You sound like a strong and level headed young woman. What you explain
you are going through with Norm sounds familiar to me. about 20 years
ago I left my then husband with a five year old and six weeks later
found out I was pregnant again from an incident that was not consentual
and the reason I left him that morning. It was very hard , very lonely,
and the best decision I ever made for myself and children. To this day
he is still drinking, and has emotionally hurt our children and still
does. I know the struggles you are feeling with that Norm is a great
guy when he is clean and sober and this is the man you Love, not the
guy he becomes when he falls. Most times when we are young we make our
decisions from our hearts although our heads are saying something else.
My heart kept me with the clean and sober guy I loved,until the "other"
guy finally convinced my head that my child and I were not safe when he
was around. It is easy for people to tell us what they think we should
do, but until we are ready in our own hearts and heads to make a change
we continue to have an internal war of "what if " and "maybe" he/she
will change. I have a 25 year old daughter and an 18 and a half year
old daughter, I know I can not prevent them from having to learn on
their own sometimes, I do voice my "experienced" opinion, maybe
sometimes even when they do not want it, but 9 times outta 10 they come
back and say "I wish I had listened to your advice". My step daughter
(34 years old) will be marrying her "alcoholic" fiancee on July 1st, I
have tried to talk to her, long before marriage even came into play,
she acknowledges/(enables) his illness and has chosen to stay in the
life that I am watching her children suffer. I wish she could
understand the damaging effects that alcoholism has on children. Her
three year old has stomped to death a hampster, she didn't even so much
as call her doctor about what he did and the little boy when asked "why
did you do that" stated "to see its guts". Her 14 year old is raging,
hitting on his 10 year old sister , punching walls, sleeping in the
middle of the day, screaming obcentities, outbursts of crying, has told
me all his mom and her fiancee do is yell scream and fight , he does
not want her to marry him or live with him , he is afraid being in his
own home. What I see is she is choosing this man over her children's
health and well being, I suggested she get her children help
immediately, I am considering doing more than just suggesting because I
do not think she hears me. I guess what I am trying to say is that the
children must come first, and even though we may think they are too
young to be affected by it, they really are, even infants .Three year
olds killing small mammmals should have had a much more important
reaction than "he didn't mean it" and ignore it. My step daughter is
still thinking with her heart about her partner, not her head and the
damage to her children is showing itself. You are making a very
responsible choice to remove yourself and children into a safer
environment. Please keep thinking with your head with Norm and let him
know you are prepared to go it yourself rather than subject your
children to it. He needs to get help for his inability to stay clean
and sober and responsible to you and the children. Good luck and stand
tall !

Bev

  #9  
Old June 8th 06, 07:04 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 23:01:49 GMT, "xkatx" the following
was posted in blue dry erase marker:


"'Kate" wrote in message
. ..
On Wed, 07 Jun 2006 14:01:01 GMT, in alt.support.single-parents you
wrote:


Well, obviously, 2 full time parents are clearly the best and ideal
situation. 2 full time parents without all the issues and problems ALL
the
time. Sometimes, though, I do know that this is not always possible. A
regular, full time parent that is seen on a part time, regular and
normal
basis could be almost as good, assuming that parent can be responsible
and
mature enough, or am I totally wrong? A parent coming and going as they
please, when they want, doing as they please and putting themself first
and
showing their face at their convenience, I see, has no benefits at
all...

I agree to a point. Single parent households can be as functional as two
parent households. A lot depends on how reliable that single parent is
and how well he/she can meet the needs of the children. However, you
have very young children. I think you're going to need help from your
parents or other family members to make this work. No one person can be
up all night with a newborn, handle a toddler and a preschooler/
school-aged kid without some help.


Single parent households can and are as functional as 2 parent households
a
lot of the time. This is obviously ideal conditions I'm talking about...
Like with both parents together, both being stable. This goes the same
for
single parent families... The parent being stable and all that. A 2
parent
household with one or both parents being unstable OR a single parent
household with the other parent being unstable is obviously not good.
Don't
need a parent *or* parents who are unreliable, unstable, unrealistic,
untrusting/worthy, unavailable, does their own thing and thinks only of
themselves.



I'm with you on that, 100%


And then that time comes when they're all in school and they grow up and
don't need us as much and we're totally unfamiliar with our own
feelings, needs, and goals. That's how it is.


lol Yes, I'm really not sure if that's something to look forward to or
not... It just seems to be the way it goes.


It's an odd time not unlike... panic. :-) I think that women who work
throughout their lifetimes may not be affected as much by children
leaving the home but I have no evidence of that.


I think counseling is a good idea (of course I would). I think you
should go too. And if you want to aim toward saving the relationship
in
time, then see a Marriage/Family Therapist. The training is better for
dealing with multiple problems. Norm has had a rough time of getting
his
life together and keeping it together and they know the way to figure
out how that happens for him - to get to the core issues. And they
will
help you to uncover whatever it is that makes your relationships take
the path they've taken.

About a month ago, he said that he might need some counseling for
himself.
He knows and sees he has problems that date back to long, long ago. I
do
think a lot of the problems have nothing at all to do with me
personally,
it's just things about him that he has trouble dealing with to this day.
I
do know that it's not actually me.
We did try the family counseling with very little luck. I didn't care
much
for that lady, neither did he. She did seem to be on HIS case a lot - a
little too much maybe, and I just found that neither of us really wanted
to
see her. Maybe a change of person might be needed. Either way, some
type
of therapist might help just to settle things down and get things sorted
out
so the outcome is a lot different than how things are right now and have
been.

I think the right therapist could. I would find out the training and
background of the person doing therapy, make sure that he/she is
currently licensed, and try it for three visits. If he/she cannot
connect with you or your situation in that period of time, it is time to
look for someone else.


That crazy lady we had just wasn't doing it. I just didn't care for a
Judge
Judy that has sides picked out right from the get go.
And, to be honest, I really don't know if I even care to try some therapy
again. Been there, done that. I really don't feel it should be up to me
to
be begging and pleading with him. If he wants to suggest it, though, I
wouldn't turn it down. I really honestly don't know if I care to suggest
it, as I already have. I almost feel that if he wants some sort of
therapy
for himself, great. If he wants for us, great. If he wants the entire
family, great. If he can't come up with it on his own, I guess I'm kind
of
at the point to say screw it, I'm done trying with that type of stuff.
Not
sure right now if that's the right attitude I should have, but it is.


It's not for everyone. But I will say that therapy can knock a peg back
in its hole.. if it happens to be widging out on its own. I've found it
to be an awesome experience but I wouldn't have volunteered for it. It
is part of the program that I'm in. And I'm still as wacked out as
ever... I just have more insight now. :-P


It's for those who are willing, as well. I'd be fine with it or without.

Things are fairly different now, though. This time, I won't just give
in
tomorrow or next week. When he cries about how much he misses us and
wants
to come home, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to drag all of
us
out and about all over the place if he says let's all go out for supper
and
once the kids go to bed, let's 'talk' - I'm really not in the talking
mood,
as I feel I've said over and over anything I've wanted to say. All I
really
have to say for now is straighten up and grow up. I don't need to hear
words, promises, lies. I need to see actions, as they really do speak
volumes. I'm really not mad or angry, and I am past the point of
feeling
frustrated.

Some of the best work gets done when you are able to look at a situation
objectively.


Yea, I just kind of feel whatever.

You are an amazing young woman. Have I told you that? You have your
family's support. You have support here too.

Hugs,
'Kate

Heh, no, I don't think so! I know my parents and family like the guy.
I
think they're just at the point where they're fed up with both him and I
and
all the garbage. They seem more willing to help out with what they can
and
what is reasonable if I am ready to get my act together and if he is. I
know the most important thing to me, as well as my family, is the kids.
Making sure they're safe, happy, fed, whatever, and not in a crappy
position.


:-) Absolutely!

Count on yourself and be accountable to yourself. He's an adult. He
needs to be the same - able to be accountable to himself.

I think it might be helpful for you to make a list of what you expect
from him and how he can earn his way back in to your family. For
example, holding a job and not being absent from the job for 6 months,
therapy during that time, then he can have weekends with the kids...
that kind of thing. It may help him work toward something and give him
reason to straighten up. The ball is in your court.

Hugs,
'Kate


But it's not like he doesn't know how I feel or what I think or want or
anything like that. Again, it's been there, done that.
I guess I'm feeling that if he wants any part of us he's going to have to
figure that out on his own. Should I really sit down alone and write out
5
lines or 5 miles worth of lines of what I want or need or expect? And if
I
do, and he just brushes it off, that energy could very well have been
spent
elsewhere and more productively. Maybe I am at the point where I'm fed
up.
Maybe I'm even far past that point. The ball IS in my court, but maybe
this
needs to be HIS game to deal the cards out the way he wants to or feels he
should.


And you're willing to put the relationship, or any relationship, on hold
indefinitely?


I'm not sure. I really, at this point, do not want to go out looking
elsewhere. Right now, it's kind of wait it out. I'm just not really in the
mood or position to be out and about in the single world dating other
people.

He had called me this morning, maybe 1030ish. He said he needs some
money,
if I have any left (I had his bank card and got some valid things we
need -
diapers, some groceries, things that are understandable, didn't waste the
money away) and also pulled the rest of it out of the account and stashed
a
bit away and put some away for rent and all that... Kind of like emergency
money. He called to ask if I had any left and if he could come pick it
up.
Wah wah, he obviously doesn't have money for food, smokes, pot, booze or
to
just blow away. Something about needing to go downtown, whatever. I told
him the baby's sleeping, I have some things to do in the afternoon and he
is
not welcome to come and go, in and out, when the kids are around to see.
At
this point, I do believe they've gone through enough of wondering if he's
coming home and if he's going to stay. I also told him that he can and
will
bring my tire for my bike that he helped himself to.
He was here around 11. He wanted some cash (I had already stashed a bit
of
it away) and he wanted to change his clothes. Luckily he didn't have the
balls to have a shower first - I would have exploded. He has no clean
clothes - I haven't done wash for about a week, and I just started on that
today, and I've been tossing his dirty clothes aside. Why should *I* wash
his clothes anyway?? So he pulls out his jeans, fairly dirty and
definitely
needing a wash and changes, grabs a few small things - pocket things - and
he stays for a little bit. He accuses me of cheating, in an indirect way.
He has something odd and big in his pocket, and it's this bottle of lube
we
had bought at the 'adult' toy party a month or so ago. At first he won't
let me see what it was in his pocket when I questioned it, then he said it
was a drink of some sort - some energy drink. Now I know for sure he's
lying and I ask him if it's that bottle of lube. He, of course, denies
it,
and at this point I *know* what it is. I'm not stupid. I ask him if he's
cheating on me, and he instantly says no. That's one thing I've never
feared - I know he'd never cheat on me, but right then, I'm wondering why
the heck he's sneaking that away...
He then said he was going to take it so I couldn't use it. I asked him
what
on earth I would need to use it for - he knows I'm not one to sit alone
with
a bottle of lube. He's always known that, as it's been like that from day
1. He then said that I had the bottle sitting on the bed side table -
last
he saw it, it was on the dresser across the room - and asks why I had the
massage oil candle and the massage hand held thing in the bathroom... Duh,
retard... Before you decided to take off on Sunday morning, did I not
suggest we go upstairs and have a shower??? We often have candles if we
relax in the shower or bath, and the bottle?? Yes, it was on the dresser,
which was piled sky high with dirty clothes on it and around it, and he
DID
notice I was sorting and gathering laundry and I had put it on the bed
side
table when I had found it knocked into the pile of laundry from the
dresser
to the floor! At this point, I'm more insulted and hurt than anything,
and
he actually apologized and said that it did make sense and he believed me.
Damn right... Better believe me because I have never lied about that.
He's
the one hiding about, he knows where I am pretty much all day and night,
as
I can't just up and leave the kids to go where I please - it's him that's
off to who knows where, doesn't call, no one's seen him, whatever.
Of course I was fairly angry and hurt, insulted, and he ended up tossing
that bottle back on the table and said that this was the only reason he
was
taking it - so I couldn't and wouldn't use it. Like as if I'd really
*need*
it in the crazy scenario in his mind... If I was really going to do that,
would I really care and make a big deal??


He was planning on using it. You already know that.


No, that I don't believe. I really don't believe that he's off with other
people. Maybe, though, he could have been planning on using it for himself
only - that's believable - but soap and shampoo in the shower work just as
good. One thing I do know for sure is that he's not with other people for
that reason. We know too many of the same people, and that's just not
something he would do. He could go to any adult store and get that same
stuff at any time. He knows I'd notice it disappeared, and I did. I did
believe him because he's not a quick thinker when it comes to his lies. His
lies yell out that they're lies instantly, they don't make sense, they don't
ever have a reason to them. What he did come up with was instant, not
something pre-thought, and he did not have the time to think of excuses.

So anyways, he takes his money that I didn't squirrel away, and says he's
gotta walk to the store to get some change for the bus to go do whatever
downtown. He asks me if I want anything from the store and I said sure.
He
then says that if he's getting me something at the store, he's gotta come
back here, and I said that was fine. He left to go to the store - 5 mins
max walking away, and it's now 5pm. Looong walk to the store, yet I
didn't
hold my breath for him to come back for obvious reasons. And yet another
strike for him.
Before he left, when we were just sitting for a bit, he gives his great,
famous lines... He says this is so hard for him - knowing he can't and
shouldn't come back to stay. (I did make that clear to him and he's
alright
with that, or more understanding, I guess, than alright with it) He gave
me
the same lines about how he misses me and the kids, he loves me, bla bla
bla. I listened but I didn't give in or anything like that. I've also
heard all this before, but all I've seen is the complete opposite. Now I
don't want to hear it, I need to see it.
Before he got lost going to the store and finding his way home, he said,
if
I was alright with it, he would like to stop by later this evening. I
told
him straight up, again, that I cannot handle him coming around just yet
when
the kids are up and around. He said he would come by in the evening,
asked
if 9 was alright, once they're settled and sleeping. I told him that was
fine, but he needs to call first - once again, I won't hold my breath
because I'm too young to die just yet. It's 5, so supper time right away
then get the kids off to bed shortly after, and if he calls, then that
might
be one less strike, and if he doesn't call, I guess it goes down with the
rest of everything else lately. Either way, whatever. I don't believe
him
when he makes promises, and if he does choose (or "remembers") to call,
then
fine. Small step forward. Doesn't call, big step backwards. But, again,
either way, not my doing.


Now I can't wait to hear whether or not he showed up.


Did I believe he was going to the store and coming right back? Yes. I
really did think that. After he didn't come back in about 15 minutes, I
didn't think he was coming back. But, as he left and asked if I wanted
something, I did think he was going to come right back. I didn't hold my
breath or stop my life, but I thought he would be back. He didn't show, oh
well. I didn't really expect that much, but I did think he would come right
back before doing whatever he said he 'had' to do.
Did I really think that he was going to call and/or come here in the
evening? No, not really. Not really at all. I did call his mom's house
around 730 and just left the message that the kids would be in bed around
830 and I was just running to the store to get the baby some milk in case he
called and figured I just wasn't answering (if I was still out or busy
getting the kids to bed) so I just left the message that any time after 830,
I would be home. I guess, she said, she told him I called, he walked in
right after I called, he said OK and walked out again. I didn't think he
would call, and I knew he wouldn't show up. There's just been way too many
promises not kept and lies told for me to really believe it. Even, if he
had called and said he was coming, I wouldn't have believed that. I'll
believe things as I see them.

Make sure, if he does, and if you do make it over this hump, that he
gets tested for STDs.


I know he is not going to be out doing things like that, BUT, that is
something I am going to tell him no matter what. If he has nothing to hide,
then it's no big deal and he'd be fine going in to get tested. If he does
have a problem with it, then that's his problem and I won't risk it being my
problem as well.

At this point, I'm never more greatful for call display and the answering
machine. I'm now going to treat his mother's phone number showing up as a
telemarketer - just don't pick up. Any random names/numbers showing up,
cell phone numbers, pay phones, hell with that. I'm just not going to pick
up. Maybe he'll think we're off and staying elsewhere, maybe he'll think
I'm avoiding his calls. I really don't care. His random M$N messages will
just be closed, any emails will simply be ignored. I'll play my own little
game for a little while. Maybe he'll get the impression that I don't *want*
or *need* him and maybe he'll either take a hint or see a new light. I'm
not going to offer chance after chance. I have been playing this game, and
it's now enough is enough, basically, since he said he was getting change
and would bring me back something from the corner store and somehow managed
to get lost, abducted, confused, whatever
His first Father's Day is going to be alone, not with his family. Last
year, he spent his one and only Father-to-Be Father's Day doing his own
little thing, and I sat with B on the side of the road with a blown out tire
for an hour waiting for my dad to be able to come and change the tire on the
car while I was on my way to parents' place for F-Day BBQ.
I'm not going to go out looking for a card or some little present for him,
I'm not going to send him some e-card, I'm not going to email or call.
I think I'm going to wait a month or so and then call him. No message left
if he's not home, other than I'll try again next time I'm free. Either
that, or I'll wait until he tries calling X amount of times that I ignore
it. I dunno. Might be easier that way. Right now, and for the next little
while, I'm just going to avoid and ignore the whole situation. This
problem, really, isn't mine.

Oh, and A took her first half-step the other day I believe it was on
Tuesday afternoon. Stood for a few seconds all on her own and took a step
before falling on her rear end


  #10  
Old June 8th 06, 07:59 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)


"Bev" wrote in message
ps.com...

xkatx wrote:
Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...

snipped for space

I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad
bad
situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning
out
just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is
any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are?
Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance
that's
still there?


Kat,

I have been busy , very busy drowning in lifes wonderful ups and downs.
I was sure I am having the toughest time than anyone until I read your
"life". I'm older maybe by ...oh 10 , 15 , er maybe even 20 years LOL!


Heh... I read it all before responding, and it looks like I'm right between
your girls' ages!

You sound like a strong and level headed young woman. What you explain
you are going through with Norm sounds familiar to me. about 20 years
ago I left my then husband with a five year old and six weeks later
found out I was pregnant again from an incident that was not consentual
and the reason I left him that morning. It was very hard , very lonely,
and the best decision I ever made for myself and children. To this day
he is still drinking, and has emotionally hurt our children and still
does.


I think for me, this is the best decision I can make right now, and no
matter what the outcome is, it will be better. If nothing changes, at least
we're out of a crappy situation. If things straighten up and change, I do
believe that this is the only way that will make a change possible. Either
way, the problems are no longer directly involved over here on such a
regular basis.

I know the struggles you are feeling with that Norm is a great
guy when he is clean and sober and this is the man you Love, not the
guy he becomes when he falls.


The problem doesn't seem to be when he's around. It's when he's not around.
Lately, it's that he just comes and goes as he sees fit for him. He takes
off for days and does whatever he wants. He blows all the money, and then
when he feels like coming back, the only months we struggle with bills and
money are those months when he dicks off for a weekend or few days. I see
the pattern, and that's not fair or right. He's not a huge drinker. He
never was. It's just he will go and get drunk when someone asks or mentions
it. Then he takes off and disappears and does his own thing.
With the pot, which IS a major problem, that's the same story, but kind of
different. I have no problem with drinking, as long as you do it
responsibly. Not drunk around kids, not drinking and driving, not blowing
money on it all the time. The only problem with pot that I have is bringing
it into the house and it being around my kids OR coming around the kids
right after. THAT I do have a problem with. I don't want it in the house
and I do not want it, in any shape or form, around the kids ever. I,
personally, know that there's a lot of pot smokers out in the world. I will
and admit now that I've done it on occasion, but those 'on occasion' times
are when I have no children to be around. A weekend rolls around and the
kids go sleep over at my parents' place. It's 11pm, the kids have been in
bed for hours and will sleep until the morning, I've gone out for a quick
smoke and come in the house, had a hot shower and went to sleep. That case
hasn't been often, and it's not something I would ever do often enough, but
in the case of no kids for the night? Hell yea, I've been there, done that.
He seems to see it as just fiine to be high as a kite at 2pm when the kids
are playing or whatever the case may be. NOT at all right as far as I see
it.
He's not crazy, violent, mean, anything like that, it's just the whole idea
of it.

Most times when we are young we make our
decisions from our hearts although our heads are saying something else.
My heart kept me with the clean and sober guy I loved,until the "other"
guy finally convinced my head that my child and I were not safe when he
was around. It is easy for people to tell us what they think we should
do, but until we are ready in our own hearts and heads to make a change
we continue to have an internal war of "what if " and "maybe" he/she
will change.


Now is when I want and need a change. I'm past the point of enough is
enough.

I have a 25 year old daughter and an 18 and a half year
old daughter, I know I can not prevent them from having to learn on
their own sometimes, I do voice my "experienced" opinion, maybe
sometimes even when they do not want it, but 9 times outta 10 they come
back and say "I wish I had listened to your advice".


That's usually the way it is

My step daughter
(34 years old) will be marrying her "alcoholic" fiancee on July 1st, I
have tried to talk to her, long before marriage even came into play,
she acknowledges/(enables) his illness and has chosen to stay in the
life that I am watching her children suffer. I wish she could
understand the damaging effects that alcoholism has on children.


I do see the crap that's going on over here. Slightly different
experiences, yet same ****, different pile in the long run.

Her
three year old has stomped to death a hampster, she didn't even so much
as call her doctor about what he did and the little boy when asked "why
did you do that" stated "to see its guts".


OMG. That's kind of scary. Poor hamster and even poor kid.

Her 14 year old is raging,
hitting on his 10 year old sister , punching walls, sleeping in the
middle of the day, screaming obcentities, outbursts of crying, has told
me all his mom and her fiancee do is yell scream and fight , he does
not want her to marry him or live with him , he is afraid being in his
own home. What I see is she is choosing this man over her children's
health and well being, I suggested she get her children help
immediately, I am considering doing more than just suggesting because I
do not think she hears me.


No, it seems we don't want to hear it until we're ready to admit and see it.
That's pretty much how every person seems to work one way or the other.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the
children must come first, and even though we may think they are too
young to be affected by it, they really are, even infants .Three year
olds killing small mammmals should have had a much more important
reaction than "he didn't mean it" and ignore it. My step daughter is
still thinking with her heart about her partner, not her head and the
damage to her children is showing itself. You are making a very
responsible choice to remove yourself and children into a safer
environment. Please keep thinking with your head with Norm and let him
know you are prepared to go it yourself rather than subject your
children to it. He needs to get help for his inability to stay clean
and sober and responsible to you and the children. Good luck and stand
tall !

Bev


He needs to grow up. That's all there is to it. Needs to be a big boy and
make grown up, big boy decisions. Granted, he could be scared, or
something, but that is not an excuse. Him taking off and doing as he wishes
is not going to make things better. I, still, have an appointment at the
damned welfare office today at 3. I am going there. I really don't care.
I'll jump through their small hoops of fire. I don't care if people will
look down on me, and they can think whatever they want. I see, in a lot of
ways, that I have put myself in this position, but I also know I didn't do
it on my own. To be honest, B and I were like a team together. He came and
then A, and that was good. I made it just fine on my own, with B, for so
long. I was getting gov't help when B was first born, but the next
September, when he was about 7 months old, I went to school and I survived
on student grants and loans. Never went back into the computers in the
system since then. I went to school, then I worked. We did fine. Then I
stopped working and I stayed home with the kids. Norm worked. Again, we
did just fine.
Now I sat thinking last night, and I really do not want this next baby. I
don't want it at all. I have B and A and that seems to be enough, almost.
I wonder if there's something wrong with me, but I just sit in a position
where I really don't want a baby as well. This is going to put me in a
position where I'm not going to be able to work or anything. A can go to
daycare any time now. I could go back to work, but who is going to hire me?
Then finding child care for 3 kids and making enough money? OMG... I don't
even want to think about that... The good thing is, though, at least I can
get some help. It puts me in a situation where I can at least give someone
my big, huge sob story and get all the help I need for as long as I need...
I can't keep going on like this... I've noticed I've lost all my patience.
I snap and find I shout over something small, and that's not fair to anyone,
and it needs to stop NOW.
I have that appointment in 2 hours. I am not going to miss it. I'll do
what they want and how they want, and soon enough, we should be doing
alright. I told Norm about this appointment and my intentions. I know he
knows that maintenance will be on his case, and he knows what that means for
him. I really don't care about that. I know when things settle down,
everything will be easier and better. Nothing can really get worse, it can
only get better, and I'm going to make sure of that!


 




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