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#1
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End of my rope
Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+
teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan |
#2
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End of my rope
Thanks Kate,
You sound like you have your act together! Your perspective is refreshing. Believe me, I know about the effort of college and have just completed a Masters. At 51 my strength is waning a bit though and I tend to overdo it - including the worrying.. But now after 7+ years of divorce, it is time for "me." ...A good job, a good life, and you are right ...in a year or two, a smaller place to live. Fond regards, Nan 'Kate wrote: On 1 Sep 2006 08:57:51 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid" the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+ teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan I think you have things backwards. You do what you have to do to sustain your lifestyle first. You do not need a perfect home to work. All you need to do is get yourself ready and walk out the door. She's 19 years old not 19 months old. She can feed herself and do her own laundry. She can clean up her own messes. If she doesn't, then either live with it, clean it yourself, or tell her to clean it. If she makes an effort at all, even if it is not up to your standards, do not criticize her. Live with the job she did. Next time, if she does a better job, notice it and praise her for it (small praise for small jobs.... more praise for a better job... a treat for a job really well done). You will have to become more tolerant of messes. You may have to learn that Monday through Friday, the house will get messier. You'll end up spending a larger part of the weekend cleaning and getting yourself ready... but that's life. She's going to college. Count your blessings that she's smart enough to and wants to. Going to college is hard work. It takes energy to sustain a high level of concentration. I've gotten out of weightlifting classes energized but math classes drained... that's just how it goes. It may seem like it takes very little effort to just sit, listen, and take notes but it doesn't. That's her job... getting good grades. It keeps her scholarship going. Later, she can find more scholarships to apply for and earn even more. When you're at your wits end, take a deep breath. Blow bubbles. Find what makes your heart sing and spend time doing it. If housework does that for you, then great... everyone wins. If you're like most people, it isn't. Limit your cleaning time to 45 minutes per weekday and 3 hours on the weekend. Put the music on loud and get it done. If you can't get everything done in that amount of time (excluding laundry), you need a smaller home.... you have too much crap to clean. Simplify your life. Get rid of knick knacks that need dusting. You're a working woman. Knick knacks are not for you. Get rid of everything you haven't used in a year. You don't need it. Subscribe to flylady.com ... probably at yahoo now. She'll get you organized so that you're not spending all your time doing what you don't like to do. And get a bottle of bubbles. 'Kate |
#3
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End of my rope
"'Kate" wrote in message ... On 2 Sep 2006 13:20:24 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid" the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: Thanks Kate, You sound like you have your act together! On some things... maybe. On others, maybe not. It depends on the day too. Usually, "Oh well" fixes my attitude problems. In past years, I was less together... this year, it's good. Seriously, though... who cares if the house is messy? Who's going to remember that on September 2nd, 2006 the yard was left unmowed? Or the bathroom unmopped? What we remember was a perfect picnic day, an impromptu trip to the outlet stores, or pajama and movie day. NO ONE ever laid on their deathbed, wishing they'd cleaned their house more often! That's my story and I"m stickin' to it. |
#4
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End of my rope
"Moon Shyne" wrote in message ... "'Kate" wrote in message ... On 2 Sep 2006 13:20:24 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid" the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: Thanks Kate, You sound like you have your act together! On some things... maybe. On others, maybe not. It depends on the day too. Usually, "Oh well" fixes my attitude problems. In past years, I was less together... this year, it's good. Seriously, though... who cares if the house is messy? Who's going to remember that on September 2nd, 2006 the yard was left unmowed? Or the bathroom unmopped? What we remember was a perfect picnic day, an impromptu trip to the outlet stores, or pajama and movie day. NO ONE ever laid on their deathbed, wishing they'd cleaned their house more often! That's my story and I"m stickin' to it. lol... I try telling that to my mom! |
#5
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End of my rope
"Tiffany" wrote in message news:9hoKg.517$m36.447@trnddc02... "Moon Shyne" wrote in message ... "'Kate" wrote in message ... On 2 Sep 2006 13:20:24 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid" the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: Thanks Kate, You sound like you have your act together! On some things... maybe. On others, maybe not. It depends on the day too. Usually, "Oh well" fixes my attitude problems. In past years, I was less together... this year, it's good. Seriously, though... who cares if the house is messy? Who's going to remember that on September 2nd, 2006 the yard was left unmowed? Or the bathroom unmopped? What we remember was a perfect picnic day, an impromptu trip to the outlet stores, or pajama and movie day. NO ONE ever laid on their deathbed, wishing they'd cleaned their house more often! That's my story and I"m stickin' to it. lol... I try telling that to my mom! Most times, I hate that my parents live so far away from me (or vice versa, since I'm the one who moved out here) - they miss seeing their grandchild, I miss being able to drop in and see them...... On the other hand, we only have to have a cleaning frenzy infrequently (like for last weekend when my dad and stepmom were in town) |
#6
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End of my rope
NanWithCollegeKid wrote: Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+ teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan Hi... I'm a newbie too... Well, my kids are little and I'm kinda young, but maybe this mixture helps me to be right in middle of you and your daughter. I'm a single mom with bills to pay and chores to do, but I still have everything from teen years fresh in my mind... I would like to know more about your daughter because some of the things you said made me think she might have a case of depression... again I would like more details... cause if that's the case the problem it's just a chemical reaction that can be treated. Did she used to help and now she doesn't? I know you love your daughter and if she is going to college I feel like she is doing her part... I tell my kids I ask 2 things of them: Go to school and go to church. Many will point fingers and say that's wrong, that I should ask for more. Well, to me being a parent means you raise your kids to be the best they can be. And I'll pick education and faith a million times before I pick clean laundry and dishes. I work about 52 hrs a week and I do all the chores around the house. If that's the price, I'll pay it. I ask for their help once in while and they usually do help. I'm not saying she shouldn't help you but if you raised her like I raise my kids that might be why... We can't suddenly change the rules in the middle of the game. Then you'll have to work your way from what the situation is now to what you want out of the situation. In that case it helps: - to keep few rules and make sure they are followed - ask for help without fighting; if there is too much tension between you break the tension first; be friends again. And once that's accomplished work on the chores issue. The chores issue is just a symptom not the problem. Deal with one problem at the time. As a daughter myself it would make me mad that my mom is soo worried about me doing chores and not worried about the relationship i got with her. I would think my mom doesn't appreciate me going to college and trying to better myself; maybe she preffers that I graduate Maid School? I know that's not what you feel, but those might be things that she is feeling. -Talk to her more; trivial conversation, try to do things together, chores can wait. She needs someone to talk otherwise she wouldn't be online talking to her friends. Kick her out of the house? I think that's bad idea. If things are not good between you two now and you kick her out, you might completely lose your daughter forever. After all the work you put into raising her right, making sure she gets an education and live a happy life and then you don't get to see the fruits of your work. When we face a problem don't throw it out of the window because we don't want to deal with. We stay til the end. I know you're a good mother, I know you love your daughter, and I'm pretty sure she is a good girl that loves you... you just missed each other somewhere along the way and have to find each other again. Nobody said being a parent was going to be easy... Please don't give up on your daughter! Claudia |
#7
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End of my rope
Kate,
Congrats on you upcoming Masters! Lots of work and lots of pride, well deserved. Honestly, you do sound like you "have it together." And nice to meet you too! Nan 'Kate wrote: On 2 Sep 2006 13:20:24 -0700, "NanWithCollegeKid" the following was posted in blue dry erase marker: Thanks Kate, You sound like you have your act together! On some things... maybe. On others, maybe not. It depends on the day too. Usually, "Oh well" fixes my attitude problems. In past years, I was less together... this year, it's good. Seriously, though... who cares if the house is messy? Who's going to remember that on September 2nd, 2006 the yard was left unmowed? Or the bathroom unmopped? What we remember was a perfect picnic day, an impromptu trip to the outlet stores, or pajama and movie day. Your perspective is refreshing. Believe me, I know about the effort of college and have just completed a Masters. At 51 my strength is waning a bit though and I tend to overdo it - including the worrying.. Ah yes. Anxiety is my old friend too. Nowdays, I check with people I trust to make sure the worry is valid. It isn't always and I'm getting much better at telling when it isn't and when to ask. And I remember to take time for me and time to breathe, sing, and oh, lots of things that I love to do just because I love to do them. Love my job. Love the kids at work... it's all good this year. Congrats on the Masters! I'll have mine in May. Finally! I'll be 48 in a few months. But now after 7+ years of divorce, it is time for "me." ...A good job, a good life, and you are right ...in a year or two, a smaller place to live. That sounds perfect! And you sure deserve it. You worked hard enough for it. Fond regards, Nan Niceta meetcha, 'Kate |
#8
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End of my rope
Dear Claudia,
Thanks for the perspective. I enjoyed the younger years with Ali and had tons more energy in my 40s than I do now in my 50s! (Probably my frustration with physical change is affecting me.) But adult children have their "pluses" too, so I have to go with it. And I appreciate your comments and suggestions! Nan Claudia wrote: NanWithCollegeKid wrote: Hi! I'm a newbie here and need advice before I go nuts! I have a 19+ teen who goes to jr. college (on limited scholarship) but does nothing else for anyone. She won't work or help in the house. Sometimes she doesn't get out of bed. The only thing she does is get on the Internet to talk with her friends late at night. I need her help/cooperation so I can get out and work full-time to support us. I am looking for family counselors and have very limited funds - so not much luck. Does anyone know a book or group to help me? Our fighting is escalating and getting very serious. My part-time work won't support us much longer. I am afraid I will do something desperate that will hurt both of us for a long time.Thanks for any help or advice! - Nan Hi... I'm a newbie too... Well, my kids are little and I'm kinda young, but maybe this mixture helps me to be right in middle of you and your daughter. I'm a single mom with bills to pay and chores to do, but I still have everything from teen years fresh in my mind... I would like to know more about your daughter because some of the things you said made me think she might have a case of depression... again I would like more details... cause if that's the case the problem it's just a chemical reaction that can be treated. Did she used to help and now she doesn't? I know you love your daughter and if she is going to college I feel like she is doing her part... I tell my kids I ask 2 things of them: Go to school and go to church. Many will point fingers and say that's wrong, that I should ask for more. Well, to me being a parent means you raise your kids to be the best they can be. And I'll pick education and faith a million times before I pick clean laundry and dishes. I work about 52 hrs a week and I do all the chores around the house. If that's the price, I'll pay it. I ask for their help once in while and they usually do help. I'm not saying she shouldn't help you but if you raised her like I raise my kids that might be why... We can't suddenly change the rules in the middle of the game. Then you'll have to work your way from what the situation is now to what you want out of the situation. In that case it helps: - to keep few rules and make sure they are followed - ask for help without fighting; if there is too much tension between you break the tension first; be friends again. And once that's accomplished work on the chores issue. The chores issue is just a symptom not the problem. Deal with one problem at the time. As a daughter myself it would make me mad that my mom is soo worried about me doing chores and not worried about the relationship i got with her. I would think my mom doesn't appreciate me going to college and trying to better myself; maybe she preffers that I graduate Maid School? I know that's not what you feel, but those might be things that she is feeling. -Talk to her more; trivial conversation, try to do things together, chores can wait. She needs someone to talk otherwise she wouldn't be online talking to her friends. Kick her out of the house? I think that's bad idea. If things are not good between you two now and you kick her out, you might completely lose your daughter forever. After all the work you put into raising her right, making sure she gets an education and live a happy life and then you don't get to see the fruits of your work. When we face a problem don't throw it out of the window because we don't want to deal with. We stay til the end. I know you're a good mother, I know you love your daughter, and I'm pretty sure she is a good girl that loves you... you just missed each other somewhere along the way and have to find each other again. Nobody said being a parent was going to be easy... Please don't give up on your daughter! Claudia |
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