3 yr old scared of the dentist-ideas?

DD's gone with me to the dentist to ride on the chair, look at her teeth,
and so on without any trouble. It's a family practice, and the dentist is a
mother of one of her occasional playmates (although she usually sees the
little girl with her Nanny due to mommy's work schedule). It's
child-friendly, and she especially seems to love the tooth models and one of
the hygenists.

However, we just got the reminder card for her appointment next month, and
Daddy showed it to her, thinking she'd like getting mail with her name on
it, and it had a totally different reaction than we expected. She's definite
that she DOES NOT want to go to the dentist-to the point of having
nightmares about it (she was crying and screaming about going to the dentist
this morning, while still asleep). She really seems scared, yet I can't
figure out what would have triggered it. As far as I know, she's never seen
a TV show or read a book that would have led to anxiety, and neither DH nor
I are scared of the dentist.

At this point, if she's this anxious, I don't know that I'll be able to even
get her in the building short of bodily force, and that's the last thing I
want to do-but, at the same time, I don't want to cancel the appointment or
give in, because it's something she needs. So, I am very open to
suggestions.

"Donna Metler" wrote in message
...

At this point, if she's this anxious, I don't know that I'll be able to
even get her in the building short of bodily force, and that's the last
thing I want to do-but, at the same time, I don't want to cancel the
appointment or give in, because it's something she needs. So, I am very
open to suggestions.

Pediatric dentist. My kids were both frightened of dentists, but they did
fine at the pediatric dentist, who had all sorts of kid-oriented things
around.

Donna Metler wrote:

At this point, if she's this anxious, I don't know that I'll be able to even
get her in the building short of bodily force, and that's the last thing I
want to do-but, at the same time, I don't want to cancel the appointment or
give in, because it's something she needs. So, I am very open to
suggestions.

Would she be able to talk about what she thinks happens at the
dentist's, and *why* she's scared? If talking about it directly is too
difficult, do you think she'd be able to draw a picture about it that
might help express her feelings/get her talking? Or have a game where
her dolls go to the dentist and she can use that to act out what she
thinks will happen? I've heard of people using those techniques to get
children talking, and, since Alli's so bright and imaginative, it would
be worth trying. If you can find out *why* she's frightened, that in
itself might help with reassuring her. The games might also help to
give her more idea of what will happen and help her feel more in
control. You could also try telling her stories about a little girl who
goes to the dentist and is very scared but is brave enough to go and
finds the dentist isn't that bad.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

Donna Metler wrote:

At this point, if she's this anxious, I don't know that I'll be able to even
get her in the building short of bodily force, and that's the last thing I
want to do-but, at the same time, I don't want to cancel the appointment or
give in, because it's something she needs. So, I am very open to
suggestions.

It's a tough call, and one that only a parent can
ultimately make based on all the particulars and some pretty
in-depth knowledge of the individual child. That said, what
I would usually do in that sort of situation is insist on going
forward. Although the cat's out of the bag, I'd make no more
mention in advance of the appointment. You might need to push
the appointment out a little ways. When the time comes, talk
her through it firmly, but with every expectation that she
will do just fine. If need be, work out strategy with the
dentist in advance.
I think with some kids there's a very fine line to
walk. In some cases, it's a phase or some other transitory
issue and you can afford to take a step back and wait. With
other kids, their imaginations run amok and generate a lot
of fear, and you totally play into the fear and, in fact,
increase it by letting them off the hook. If it wasn't that
bad, why would you let the child back out? It must be *really*
bad! It also reinforces the tactic: if you're afraid of something,
make a huge fuss and mommy will let you off the hook. Follow
that pattern, and more and more things will be fear-inducing
and require backing out of. This pattern can be incredibly
destructive long term.
In my experience, one of the most powerful things
for building trust between parent and child is finding a
way to support your child through difficult experiences.
We don't ever wish for those difficult situations to come
up, but when they do, I think it's important how we deal
with them. You want her to come out the other end with
an experience that teaches her that 1) she can do it;
2) her mother's confidence in her abilities was not
misplaced; 3) her mother was truthful about what she
experienced; 4) her mother was an effective support
during the process.
I'm not saying that every fear must be faced
head on. For example, if a child was afraid of riding
a roller coaster, I probably wouldn't push it. What's the
point? I'm not aware of any requirement that one must
ride roller coasters. Some people enjoy that sort of
thrill and some don't, and that's a personal preference
that should be respected. Going to the dentist, on the
other hand, is necessary. One might negotiate things
like which dentist, whether mom stays in the room or not,
whether there's a signal to ask the dentist/hygienist to
stop for a moment, etc., but not the fundamental issue
of whether there will be a cleaning and check-up.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Donna Metler" wrote in message
...
DD's gone with me to the dentist to ride on the chair, look at her teeth,
and so on without any trouble. It's a family practice, and the dentist is
a mother of one of her occasional playmates (although she usually sees the
little girl with her Nanny due to mommy's work schedule). It's
child-friendly, and she especially seems to love the tooth models and one
of the hygenists.

However, we just got the reminder card for her appointment next month, and
Daddy showed it to her, thinking she'd like getting mail with her name on
it, and it had a totally different reaction than we expected. She's
definite that she DOES NOT want to go to the dentist-to the point of
having nightmares about it (she was crying and screaming about going to
the dentist this morning, while still asleep). She really seems scared,
yet I can't figure out what would have triggered it. As far as I know,
she's never seen a TV show or read a book that would have led to anxiety,
and neither DH nor I are scared of the dentist.

At this point, if she's this anxious, I don't know that I'll be able to
even get her in the building short of bodily force, and that's the last
thing I want to do-but, at the same time, I don't want to cancel the
appointment or give in, because it's something she needs. So, I am very
open to suggestions.
The recommendation I was given was that, unless there appears to be a
problem, it is unneccessary for a child to see the dentist until they're
about 5yo. They suggest you take the child to the dentist from earlier to
"get them used to it" at our practice. #1 loves the dentist, and #2 doesn't
mind, but sits on my knee while the dentist "counts her teeth". But #1
didn't like the dentist until she was close on 5yo.
In your child's case, seeing as it's causing her so much worry, unless you
think there's work to be done, I'd cancel the appointment. If there's
something you're worried about I'd ask the dentist (as you know her as a
mum) if you could see her informally, not in the dentists room.
Meanwhile, take her when you have your teeth checked (but not treatment) and
maybe she'll allow the dentist to see "what nice teeth she has" one day and
you can work from there.
Debbie

Welches wrote:

The recommendation I was given was that, unless there appears to be a
problem, it is unneccessary for a child to see the dentist until they're
about 5yo.

I would disagree with that pretty strongly. All my
kids have needed to be in to the dentist by 3yo. I don't subscribe
to the theory that you can let the baby teeth rot because they'll
be replaced by adult teeth.


Meanwhile, take her when you have your teeth checked (but not treatment) and
maybe she'll allow the dentist to see "what nice teeth she has" one day and
you can work from there.

I think she said she had already done that, and that
her DD didn't have a problem with that but did have a problem
with going for her own appointment.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
Welches wrote:

The recommendation I was given was that, unless there appears to be a
problem, it is unneccessary for a child to see the dentist until they're
about 5yo.

I would disagree with that pretty strongly. All my
kids have needed to be in to the dentist by 3yo. I don't subscribe
to the theory that you can let the baby teeth rot because they'll
be replaced by adult teeth.


Meanwhile, take her when you have your teeth checked (but not treatment)
and maybe she'll allow the dentist to see "what nice teeth she has" one
day and you can work from there.

I think she said she had already done that, and that
her DD didn't have a problem with that but did have a problem
with going for her own appointment.

We've been doing that for the last few appointments, and the only real
difference with this next one is that it'll be the first time it's
officially DD's appointment, and they'll try to clean/polish her teeth at
this one and look for problems. She's never shown concerns about going
before, and I hadn't expected problems this time. Usually she goes, rides
on the chair, gets her stuffed dragon's teeth checked, smiles so they can
count her teeth, and that's it (and unless there's signs of problems, that's
all the practice usually does before age 3). The appointment is set with the
hygenist who DD talks to and gets along with best, the dentist is someone
who's familiar to her as a playmate's mommy (and there are pictures of her
playmate in the office), and while it's not a pediatric-specific office,
there is a child's waiting room and play area and a pediatric exam room,
since it is a family practice, so it's not likely to be oversized and
intimidating. And she knows EXACTLY where the prize box is, since invariably
she comes out of one of my appointments with a bag of small toys, stickers,
tattoos, and toothbrushes.


The only thing I can think of is that maybe she heard something from another
child at preschool or something which has made her nervous. And if it was
just "I don't want to go", I wouldn't be so concerned, but nightmares, for
this particular child, are pretty rare.

Donna Metler wrote:

The only thing I can think of is that maybe she heard something from another
child at preschool or something which has made her nervous. And if it was
just "I don't want to go", I wouldn't be so concerned, but nightmares, for
this particular child, are pretty rare.

She's a bright cookie. I wouldn't be at all surprised
if she heard something somewhere, or even if it's just her
imagination run amok. She might even be picking up on your
worrying about how she'll deal, even if you feel you're keeping
it under wraps pretty well.
I think it is very common with very bright kids for
their imaginations to run away with them. It's also very
common for them to be perfectionists and control freaks,
making it difficult for them to know that at the upcoming
appointment, they're not calling the shots anymore. When
it was just fun and games at *your* appointment, they could
call it quits anytime without consequence. With their own
appointment, they have to follow through.
If this is what's going on, I think it's especially
important to follow through and have the appointment. You've
done everything reasonable to set up a good situation. Her
fears are not reasonable, though they are real to her. The
best outcome is for her to confront this challenge and come
out the other end having successfully faced her fears with
your support. This will make her more confident in herself
and more confident in your support the next time she confronts
a challenge, or a situation in which she has to give up some
control. If she doesn't even attempt the appointment, that's
not a great precedent to set going forward.
One of my kids is like this. It was exhausting getting
him over all sorts of humps, especially when he was younger.
However, being firm but supportive has really paid off in
the long run. He'll never give up being a control freak,
and he'll likely never love jumping into new experiences,
but he now has faith in my judgment and support and doesn't
kick and scream as much.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Mon, 26 May 2008 14:59:53 -0500, "Donna Metler"
wrote:

The only thing I can think of is that maybe she heard something from another
child at preschool or something which has made her nervous. And if it was
just "I don't want to go", I wouldn't be so concerned, but nightmares, for
this particular child, are pretty rare.

IME, nightmares are usually about the unknown, for kids. Even though
she's gone with you and seemed fine, she doesn't know exactly what
will happen once it's her turn in the chair. And as Ericka pointed
out, that lack of being in control can be scary.

When my kids went for their first visit the hygienist just cleaned
their teeth using a toothbrush and dental floss. She transitioned
them into polishing by their 3rd visit as long as there weren't any
problems with their teeth. Perhaps your dd is bothered by the noise
of that BIG thing the hygienist may put in her mouth? Maybe you can
ask that they simply do a brushing flossing and rinse the first time?

Nan

On Sun, 25 May 2008 09:30:34 -0500, "Donna Metler"
wrote:

DD's gone with me to the dentist to ride on the chair, look at her teeth,
and so on without any trouble. It's a family practice, and the dentist is a
mother of one of her occasional playmates (although she usually sees the
little girl with her Nanny due to mommy's work schedule). It's
child-friendly, and she especially seems to love the tooth models and one of
the hygenists.

However, we just got the reminder card for her appointment next month, and
Daddy showed it to her, thinking she'd like getting mail with her name on
it, and it had a totally different reaction than we expected. She's definite
that she DOES NOT want to go to the dentist-to the point of having
nightmares about it (she was crying and screaming about going to the dentist
this morning, while still asleep). She really seems scared, yet I can't
figure out what would have triggered it. As far as I know, she's never seen
a TV show or read a book that would have led to anxiety, and neither DH nor
I are scared of the dentist.

At this point, if she's this anxious, I don't know that I'll be able to even
get her in the building short of bodily force, and that's the last thing I
want to do-but, at the same time, I don't want to cancel the appointment or
give in, because it's something she needs. So, I am very open to
suggestions.

Fred Rogers book about visiting the dentist could help. You could
also have her pretend to be a dentist and examine your teeth.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits