How to deal with 7 year old?

Kat wrote:
"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
"Kat" wrote:

I don't know he's actually gone until after the fact. It seems to take
him
only a minute to just disappear. I can't go off searching the
neighbourhood
It sounds like you are not paying attention to him. Why are you
letting him get out of your sight?

Not letting him out of my sight is not that easy. I can't drop everything
or keep him inside with me or beside me 24/7.

Sure you can. In my house, a perfectly logical
consequence to the sort of behavior he's been exhibiting
is that he has to stay within my sight, even if that means
he sits in the kitchen while I'm fixing dinner and follows
me around like a puppy dog all day. If I can't trust you
to be where you say you're going to be, then you're going
to be where I can see you all the time (and I'm not changing
my routine). With a little luck, having that consequence
a few times will convince him that it's waaaaay to boring
to risk that consequence again. Going outside to play is
a privilege, not a right. Yes, it will be painful for
you (and he will ratchet things up to try to make it as
miserable for you as possible), but frankly, there's no
easy and painless way to solve these behavior issues. You
have to decide that you're willing to go through the
inconvenience and hassle to get him back on track. I
understand how difficult that is, but part of the reason
he *is* in his situation is that he knows there's a limit
to what you'll do to keep him in line. He needs to *know*
without a shadow of a doubt that there is *nothing* that
will keep you from ensuring that he is safe and behaving
himself--not embarrassing him/yourself in public, not
having to wake up the siblings and haul them out to look
for him, not having to miss a favorite activity, nothing.
If he doesn't believe that deep down in the core of his
being, he's going to act out and he knows he can get away
with it.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Kat" wrote in message
...
I did a quick search and found that we have "Big Brothers and Big Sisters"
in the city. I've heard of this before. I believe N actually had a "Big
Brother" when he was younger through his school (ha... some benefit THAT
apparently did) but I just called, since it was mentioned and I thought of
it. Left a message and was told that I would get a call back as soon as
possible.
It's hard to find activities, but we have been going for bike rides to the
library not far away, walking to the store/park, I've been trying to find
various activities to do that are possible to do. My dad said he would
take DS to an exhibit this weekend. Finding things is a little bit of a
challenge.

You don't need to find all the activities for him. He can do his own
activities, even at home. Maybe collect cards or play chess or play
dress-up games. He can even help you with the housework.

In article , toypup says...



"dejablues" wrote in message
...
Also, no threats of consequences should be given unless the parent is
fully prepared to follow through with them.

He's not allowed to go to the store, and he goes to the store? You go down
there and escort him back home. He hangs with bad company? You go fetch
him, tell the other kids to get lost, and escort him home. Drag him by
the arm, if need be. Be the mean mother that the other kids fear. Sign him
up for Cub Scouts, after school programs, anything to keep him busy and
away from drifting aimlessly with a bad crowd. As Banty suggested, move.

Agree with fetching the kid. Not a good idea to sit around steaming about
where the kid is. OP needs to go find him and drag him home.

Absolutely. Go and GET HIM.

This is one of the problems one of my immediate neighbors had in their
childrearing style - yelling, but not *going and getting*. The oldest is 14,
and the result isn't good.

As for
moving, I don't think it would work. There are kids like that everywhere
and he will find the same type of crowd elsewhere, especially if mom's
behavior doesn't change.

Just having a different situation can do a LOT. Another cast of characters can
make a different situation, even if Mom doesn't shape up.

But sounds like Kat can't really move. But then she faces the situation a lot
of people with limited means using subsidized housing face: if you leave the
kids to the street, the street will have them!

Sticking him in scouts and other programs might
work, because he will be forced to see other kids who aren't anything like
what he's used to seeing -- kids who have to listen to their parents.
Counseling would help, but only if mom is willing to work on herself, as
well.


Yes, Scouts or similar consuming activity. Bike rides and visits to the park
won't do it, although just to keep him off the street some filler activites like
these will probably be necessary.

But I heartily second the Scouts idea. Not only to give her boy a reference to
other boys from families who actually rear their children, but to give Kat a
reference as to how other boys his age will act.

And it will give him exposure to male role models to boot, as most Scoutmasters
are male even if Den leaders aren't.

Banty

"Banty" wrote in message
...

But I heartily second the Scouts idea. Not only to give her boy a
reference to
other boys from families who actually rear their children, but to give Kat
a
reference as to how other boys his age will act.

And also how other parents parent. I learn a lot from watching other
parents. I especially watch parents whose children are well-behaved. I
figure they must be doing something right.

In article , Kat says...


"toypup" wrote in message
m...


"dejablues" wrote in message
...
Also, no threats of consequences should be given unless the parent is
fully prepared to follow through with them.

He's not allowed to go to the store, and he goes to the store? You go
down there and escort him back home. He hangs with bad company? You go
fetch him, tell the other kids to get lost, and escort him home. Drag
him by the arm, if need be. Be the mean mother that the other kids fear.
Sign him up for Cub Scouts, after school programs, anything to keep him
busy and away from drifting aimlessly with a bad crowd. As Banty
suggested, move.

Agree with fetching the kid. Not a good idea to sit around steaming about
where the kid is. OP needs to go find him and drag him home. As for
moving, I don't think it would work. There are kids like that everywhere
and he will find the same type of crowd elsewhere, especially if mom's
behavior doesn't change. Sticking him in scouts and other programs might
work, because he will be forced to see other kids who aren't anything like
what he's used to seeing -- kids who have to listen to their parents.
Counseling would help, but only if mom is willing to work on herself, as
well.

I don't know he's actually gone until after the fact. It seems to take him
only a minute to just disappear. I can't go off searching the neighbourhood
for him.

You're going to hafta. Even with the youngers in tow.

He's stayed inside when I find out he's taken off somewhere he
shouldn't be. There have been a few times that I've dragged the girls with
me to go look for him. It doesn't make sense to wake up a pair of sleeping
preschoolers from a nap because someone has taken off... Wake them up to
drag them around to go look for him is silly. He's just in trouble and in
the house for a while when he gets back.

Whereby he learns he can just up and go as long as he can put up with whatever
when he gets back.

When the girls are asleep is when it should be *easiest* to keep an eye on him.
You really have to take a whole nother go at this childrearing thing, Kat -
seeing it as a *minute to minute, day after day* endeavor with this boy.

He's in football right now. Football season is just about over. There was
the community newsletter in my mail box the other day and just this
afternoon I had a chance to look through it. Apparently scouts is starting
up any time now and I was about to call today but just got busy.

"Just got busy" heh. And you're not working? C'mon. Do the scouts call before
you do anything else tomorrow. Seriously.

I did
write the number down and made myself a little note to call, though.
There's not too much else for options. I'm VERY limited on basically little
to no income right now. My parents are very helpful, though, with stuff
like that. It's my parents that have paid for the football, and now that N
is gone, my mom is the one that takes DS to football practices and brings
him home again. I just can't pack the girls up to take him there and drop
him off then pack them up again once it's about their bed time to pick him
up again when he's done practice, so my mom does (and every now and then my
dad will bring him home)

People do that sort of thing all the time. Yeah, it's a hassle. It seems ever
hassle gets in your way, and you can't be one of the moms that can just let
things slide like some other parents can.

Eventually, you should be able to find someone to trade rides with, hopefully.

But if your parents are interested grandparents, they probably see the problem
and how critical it is to get him straightened out. Dont feel bad for the
efforts they put in!

I don't think it's fair for my parents to be running all over the place here
and there and everywhere because I can't.

Don't think "fair". Think "what is".

Banty

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , Kat says...

I don't know he's actually gone until after the fact. It seems to take
him
only a minute to just disappear. I can't go off searching the
neighbourhood
for him.

You're going to hafta. Even with the youngers in tow.

He's in football right now. Football season is just about over. There
was
the community newsletter in my mail box the other day and just this
afternoon I had a chance to look through it. Apparently scouts is
starting
up any time now and I was about to call today but just got busy.

"Just got busy" heh. And you're not working? C'mon. Do the scouts call
before
you do anything else tomorrow. Seriously.

Very true.


I did
write the number down and made myself a little note to call, though.
There's not too much else for options. I'm VERY limited on basically
little
to no income right now. My parents are very helpful, though, with stuff
like that. It's my parents that have paid for the football, and now that
N
is gone, my mom is the one that takes DS to football practices and brings
him home again. I just can't pack the girls up to take him there and drop
him off then pack them up again once it's about their bed time to pick him
up again when he's done practice, so my mom does (and every now and then
my
dad will bring him home)

People do that sort of thing all the time. Yeah, it's a hassle. It seems
ever
hassle gets in your way, and you can't be one of the moms that can just
let
things slide like some other parents can.

Agreed, when there's a will, there's a way. OP needs to be willing.


Eventually, you should be able to find someone to trade rides with,
hopefully.

But if your parents are interested grandparents, they probably see the
problem
and how critical it is to get him straightened out. Dont feel bad for the
efforts they put in!

I don't think it's fair for my parents to be running all over the place
here
and there and everywhere because I can't.

Don't think "fair". Think "what is".

To OP, I see so many excuses -- why you can't watch your child, why you
can't get your child, why you can't have playdates, why you can't have your
parents help, why you can't call the scouts. The rest of this world can
find time to do it. Even single moms who work somehow find time to do it.
He's your child now. It can't wait. Stop making excuses. It's not too
hard to go fetch him, to keep him from leaving when the little ones nap, to
set up playdates, to ask grandparents for help, and to call the scouts. You
can do it, and if you don't, you will pay dearly for it.

In article , toypup says...



"Banty" wrote in message
...

But I heartily second the Scouts idea. Not only to give her boy a
reference to
other boys from families who actually rear their children, but to give Kat
a
reference as to how other boys his age will act.

And also how other parents parent. I learn a lot from watching other
parents. I especially watch parents whose children are well-behaved. I
figure they must be doing something right.


Yep. And what they let slide (which goes to how boys really are - I really
needed a level-set on that!), and what they don't.

Although, the seemingly most lenient, but always actively present, parents
became our (mine and my son with them and their son and daughter) dearest
friends. Because they were parenting one of those scary-smart off-the-wall
boys. I've been influence some by their parenting style (inevitably as we do
stuff together), but not completely. Because of differences in personality.

But, yes, seeing how other parents succeed is one way to learn to be a good
parent.

Banty

Kat wrote:
"Nikki" wrote in message ...

I did a quick search and found that we have "Big Brothers and Big Sisters"
in the city. I've heard of this before.

Ours has a huge waiting list but the kids can participate in the monthly
field trip things even if they aren't matched with a big friend yet.
Those are free here. You also might look into an after school program.
If you had a way to get him home and your parents would be interested
in paying for it that would keep him out of trouble until 5pm and then
it would be easier to keep tabs on him at home after that. Supper,
homework, just at home things, etc. My 7yo is constantly under my feet
so I'm not to familiar with the variety that takes off He does play
in the yard on his own but he wouldn't dream of taking off but then
there are no neighborhood friends to influence him either. Honestly -
my 7yo isn't yet in any activity and rarely has a play date and he keeps
busy at home so I think you shouldn't think of being at home as a
punishment.

Another 'free' idea would be to see if someone from a local college or
civic group would be interested in tutoring. They could spend 45
minutes reading with him or doing other homework 2-3 times a week. That
would be great on a lot of fronts. It took a lot of phone calls but I
found a free tutor for one of my kids.


It's hard to find activities, but we have been going for bike rides to the
library not far away, walking to the store/park, I've been trying to find
various activities to do that are possible to do. My dad said he would take
DS to an exhibit this weekend. Finding things is a little bit of a
challenge.

I understand. I'm not single but my dh and I work separate shifts. Cub
scouts is a fantastic organization but we quit it because I couldn't
manage the little boys there and parents need to go for the younger kids
(at least around here) I didn't do hockey for the same reason (and that
one is really expensive too) but they needed 15 hours of parent
volunteer time and that is just to much with my schedule. I can't
afford a baby sitter so we just chose different activities. Also - I do
get my little boys (2.5yo) out and shlep them around so that my oldest
can do his thing (and in the spring the 7yo will do soccer). I drag
them around to other activities just for the older kids. Such is life
in a sibling group. Just last night they were up over an hour past
bedtime so the big kids would get to go to a fun thing. If one of my
older kids took off when they weren't suppose to I absolutely would take
everyone out to go look for him no matter the time of day, even if it
was 'just' because he was in trouble. Some of that is just adjusting
your thinking to put a priority on the kid that needs it at the moment
regardless of age. At the moment the 7yo needs you to track him down
more then the 2yo needs to nap or eat supper on time.

Good luck. I hope you are able to find some kind of professional
counselor or in home parent support person because it definitely will
not be a quick easy fix.

--

Nikki

I haven't got any practical advice for your situation.

However, 7yo is a difficult age for a parent, even for a 'good' kid in a
decent home life. This is the kind of age where you have to take the
long-view, and think about what the long-term lesson you want your child
to learn.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

Kat wrote:

It's hard to find activities, but we have been going for bike rides to the
library not far away, walking to the store/park, I've been trying to find
various activities to do that are possible to do. My dad said he would take
DS to an exhibit this weekend. Finding things is a little bit of a
challenge.

I also wanted to suggest that the key to teaching
children personal discipline and responsibility doesn't
lie entirely in making sure they're entertained 24/7.
Yes, activities that help him learn/grow/excel/exercise/
make friends/etc. are great, and they give Mom a bit of
a break. Family activities are also important, so I
wouldn't suggest giving up the bike rides and trips to
the store or park or whatever either. But make sure
he *also* has responsibilities. School should be
job one, and ideally he should have a clear schedule
and high expectations for the quality of his work.
He should also have some age appropriate chores around
the house so that he is able to make a meaningful
contribution to the life of his family. It may be more
difficult and time consuming to get him to do the work
than it is for you to do it yourself, but it's important
for him to do it, and while you shouldn't turn into
Mommy Dearest, he should be expected to do a good job
of his chores too, and you can't be unwilling to let
him suffer the consequences if he doesn't do what
he's supposed to do. Make the consequences clear up
front, and then follow through every single time.
(You have to choose those consequences carefully--
if he's going to get grounded for certain things,
then you have to follow through with the grounding
even if that means that he misses an activity you've
paid for or something he's got planned with his
grandparents or whatever else it might be. Don't
have consequences that you're not truly willing and
able to follow through on, and never, ever make
idle threats no matter how many of your buttons he
pushes.)

Sometimes it's easy for us to program our kids
lives with activities they enjoy because they're happily
occupied and we get a bit of a breather. Nevertheless,
somewhere in his life he needs to learn that he has
responsibilities that come before the fun stuff.
His responsibilities should not be excessive, but
without them he'll become yet another adult who
doesn't make good on his responsibilities and puts
pleasure ahead of duty. You're already working uphill
because he's had a poor role model in his father in
this department, which means you need to be an extra
good role model yourself and let him *see* you living
up to your responsibilities. Sometimes kids can be
oblivious to the reality of the situation, and they
perceive that their parents (or other adults) just
get to do what they want when they want. A lot of
our work is invisible to them--we do it after they're
in bed, or while they're otherwise engaged, or we're
paying bills on the computer but they think we're
playing a game, etc. They think we make decisions
based on what we feel like doing at the moment, instead
of doing things we don't necessarily want to do but
do because we know it's necessary. They're looking
forward to being adults so they don't have to do chores
anymore! I don't think there's a parent alive who has
completely succeeded in bringing a 7yo to the full
realization of how little discretionary time and
income most parents have, and you wouldn't really want
to anyway, but there are teachable moments littered
all over the place if you take advantage of them.

Best wishes,
Ericka