Another question about funerals/death, by me.

In article , "Kat"
wrote:

I now have 1 question about that... I was thinking of putting the girls in
some cute little outfit - not what is normally seen at funerals... the dark,
more "formal" attire. For one, none of the kids have much I'd say was good
for a funeral, and I know it's true that often young kids bring some joy and
life to those around them at funerals and similar (like 'celebrations of
life' - whatever you want to give the name as) It's supposed to be nice
next week, and I was even considering some cute little spring type dresses
or something... And then letting DS pick out his own clothes, whatever he
wants to wear. He does have dress pants/shirts, but I doubt he'd be
comfortable in that. Is this appropriate? I don't want to keep calling my
mom and asking her... I also don't want to offend her, but to me, putting
young children in black or dark clothes seems depressing a little.

I've never seen children dressed in black for a funeral. I'd put them in the
clothes you'd dress them in for church (whether you attend a church or not, I
assume you know roughly what your aunt would expect). Actually my own church
is pretty informal -- I'd put my kids in what they'd wear to a daytime wedding.

Now, the other part...
My mom called me this morning to tell me the news around 1030 or so. DS had
already been long gone to school. He came home and I actually still haven't
mentioned anything to him. Again, I asked my mom about it, or, actually,
she asked me if I said anything yet this evening around supper time - and
when I talked to my dad a little earlier, he asked the same thing. I was
trying to figure out how, exactly, you tell an 8 year old about this.

Overthinking. You just TELL them. Children are often much more accepting of
death than we think. Can't see why you held off, really.

My aunt, in the
background through the phone, said to tell DS that uncle died and is now an
angel in heaven. I think that would be totally fine to say. It's at his
level for understanding, and he is not a stupid boy.

Sure -- as long as you believe that yourself. I don't. As a matter of fact,
we had to tell our children of a death this evening -- a 92yo gentleman from
church has just died. We said that he had been very old and very sick, and
missing his wife (who died two years ago), and now he was in Heaven with her
and with Jesus. Probably telling St Peter how to organise the Pearly Gates
office (oh OK, we didn't tell them that bit, but if there's an office I'm sure
he'd want to see the financial statements!)

Tell him that Uncle died when he was at school in
the morning on Friday, but there was no point in maybe having him upset over
the weekend and waiting until that day to tell him so there's not that
sitting around, waiting, thinking time from now until the funeral...

Is there any reason to expect this morbid thinking in him?

Tell
him that day and then we'll go to the funeral (there's going to be no body
as they're doing a cremation) and just have it all in one day kind of
thing - if that makes ANY sense at all? Or would that be wrong to wait
until after the weekend to tell him?

I think you're projecting. He *will* probably be interested in the funeral
details, and it's better to run through roughly what happens at a funeral, so
he knows what to expect (including that you will cry, and probably be sad for
some time afterwards because you miss your uncle). He will also want to know
what they do with the body, and it's better to explain it matter-of-factly:
we can't leave dead bodies around because they get smelly, so Uncle will be
cremated: his body will be burned up in a very hot sort of oven. Children
tend to ask practical questions, and it's probably better that he have a
chance to process the information and ask questions *before* the funeral
rather than *at* it. (Will the cremation be part of the funeral, or is it
just a memorial service? Give your son all the information you can.)

DDs
don't really know any different, so there's no real point in trying to
explain anything to a pair of preschoolers...

If they are going to be present, I think you need to explain a little.
Otherwise, they just are being taken to a strange building, doing nothing for
a long time, hearing people cry and meeting all the distant relatives.
Meltdown territory!

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

In article , "Kat"
wrote:

Well, he didn't really ask much - I think I offered more info than he asked
for... I just brought it up about Tuesday as he has his hot lunch day that
he's been waiting for (and I paid an unusually high price for lol) and said
that he's not going to be at school on Thursday because we have a funeral,
then told him. When I said it was uncle that died, he snapped his head
towards me and said, "What!?" and then he seemed alright. No real
questions, but I did offer the reminder that this uncle has been very sick
lately - and he knows that - and that his heart just gave out, pretty much.

If he does figure out that you delayed telling him, maybe you could say
something like, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you straight away, but I felt too sad
at first." That might not be the world's most brilliant and complete
explanation, but discussing the permutations of adult grief isn't necessary
either.

I hope the funeral is comforting and uplifting for you and yours.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/

"Kat" wrote in
news
Well, he didn't really ask much - I think I offered more info
than he asked for... I just brought it up about Tuesday as he
has his hot lunch day that he's been waiting for (and I paid an
unusually high price for lol) and said that he's not going to be
at school on Thursday because we have a funeral, then told him.
When I said it was uncle that died, he snapped his head towards
me and said, "What!?" and then he seemed alright. No real
questions, but I did offer the reminder that this uncle has been
very sick lately - and he knows that - and that his heart just
gave out, pretty much.

well, that's easier than telling a child that the hospital made a
mistake & Grandma died... actually it was a series of mistakes, but
these things happen.
i was diagnosed with cancer 2 months after my mom died, so Boo did
get to see that hospitals aren't all scary places where bad things
happen, which i think is a good thing. the radiology crew showed
him how everything worked & let him operate the door, etc. it was
very helpful.

I also promised him that since he's going
to miss his hot lunch at school that day, we'll stop at the same
pizza place the hot lunch is coming from and take it to
Grandma's and that sounds like a plan for him. But... I realize
because he didn't ask or say much this morning, it doesn't mean
he won't later today, tonight, tomorrow morning, Tuesday or 9
Tuesdays from now.

or even longer. Boo still asks questions about Grandma (& Great-
Grandma, who died at 102), but going on a more interesting
direction. he's now asking more about their lives, what it was like
when they were his age, etc. i'm glad i'm up on the family history.
lee