How to deal with 7 year old?

Last night, there was a HUGE explosion.
DS came home from school. He wanted to go play outside right away. I made
a deal with him that he can play for a bit, but when supper's ready, he
comes in, has supper (obviously) and then he must do his homework right
after supper before he's allowed to do anything (go back outside, watch TV,
computer, whatever) He said that was fine.
So, I make supper and while I'm outside at the BBQ, I call for him. And I
call. And I call. Supper's on the table, I go out and call again. We're
eating supper and go figure, I call again and he's nowhere to be found. At
this point, I am more than just ****ed off. He's not supposed to be
anywhere that he can't hear me or see the house. Apparently he's decided to
do as he pleases.
We have supper, finish, and I call him again.
Half an hour or so after supper, he's walking around just outside the yard.
I tell him simply he needs to come in now. He's with about 3-4 other boys.
He yells no at me. Once again, I just tell him he needs to come in now.
Once again, he's yelling at me, and quite frankly, I could just about knock
his block off. Last time, I tell him it's time to come in. He again yells
no and comes in the yard, grabs a football and walks out of the yard. Now
I'm ****ed off big time. I basically say he's inside NOW or there's going
to be trouble. He runs away from me, ends up throwing the ball at me to try
and hit me and storms off in the house, yelling and shouting, even swearing
at me.
Really, I've had it with him. His behaviour has NOT been even close to
acceptable for some time, but lately it's getting worse. At one point I
DRAGGED him to the police station and told the cops there that I've had it,
I'm about ready to give up and they need to give me some sort of resources
before I lose it with him. They gave me a useless list of "resources" that
got me nowhere.
I really CAN'T take his behaviour anymore.
He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3
blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on his
own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and like
the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a place I
have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds) He
does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen that
the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are.
He's doing nothing but talking back. And most of the time it stems from him
not being able to do something HE wants to do that the other kids are doing.
I'm really sick and tired of it.
Last night, after he finally came in (and I had gone out of the yard to drag
him in, which is when he was running away and throwing the ball at me) he
was yelling and swearing and you name it. Then he ended up saying that it's
MY fault that he doesn't have a dad, which is, for the most part, untrue.
I felt like yelling at him that he doesn't have a proper dad because his dad
is a drug addict, selfish, immature, irresponsible and self-centered. Which
is true.
I can't and won't force N to stop by to see the kids. Or help with
supporting or raising them. I can't force him to be a proper father, as he
should be. I will NOT have him here on drugs or have him come one day, no
word for 2 weeks, come another day, basically come and go as he pleases...
Tell the kids he's stopping by (or not tell the kids and just keep it to
myself thinking he'll be here) and he doesn't come.
I'm at the point, though, where I just CAN'T take this behaviour, and from a
7 year old. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm just about ready
to drop him off at the police station, tell them to do something with him
because I can't and leave.
I can't handle his yelling and swearing, taking off and disappearing...
Doing as he pleases when he pleases. And when he doesn't get his way, he'll
destroy things just to try and **** me off... Like dig holes in the wall,
write all over the floor in his room, throw toys around, rip clothes out of
his closet and drawers... you name it.
I'm really at the end of my rope... Is there ANYTHING to try doing??

And also, it's not like he doesn't get things... He's in sports (thankfully
the season is coming to an end in the next couple weeks) and has more than
enough. Taking away fun things or priviledges seems to be useless. I do
comment on good behaviour - tell him it makes me happy when he does this,
makes me proud when he does that. Nothing seems to be working.

In article , Kat says...

Last night, there was a HUGE explosion.
DS came home from school. He wanted to go play outside right away. I made
a deal with him that he can play for a bit, but when supper's ready, he
comes in, has supper (obviously) and then he must do his homework right
after supper before he's allowed to do anything (go back outside, watch TV,
computer, whatever) He said that was fine.
So, I make supper and while I'm outside at the BBQ, I call for him. And I
call. And I call. Supper's on the table, I go out and call again. We're
eating supper and go figure, I call again and he's nowhere to be found. At
this point, I am more than just ****ed off. He's not supposed to be
anywhere that he can't hear me or see the house. Apparently he's decided to
do as he pleases.
We have supper, finish, and I call him again.
Half an hour or so after supper, he's walking around just outside the yard.
I tell him simply he needs to come in now. He's with about 3-4 other boys.
He yells no at me. Once again, I just tell him he needs to come in now.
Once again, he's yelling at me, and quite frankly, I could just about knock
his block off. Last time, I tell him it's time to come in. He again yells
no and comes in the yard, grabs a football and walks out of the yard. Now
I'm ****ed off big time. I basically say he's inside NOW or there's going
to be trouble. He runs away from me, ends up throwing the ball at me to try
and hit me and storms off in the house, yelling and shouting, even swearing
at me.
Really, I've had it with him. His behaviour has NOT been even close to
acceptable for some time, but lately it's getting worse. At one point I
DRAGGED him to the police station and told the cops there that I've had it,
I'm about ready to give up and they need to give me some sort of resources
before I lose it with him. They gave me a useless list of "resources" that
got me nowhere.

(What did you want the cops to do?)

So why do you let him play outside? He cant be trusted to come back in; he cant
play outside. I hope he didnt get dinner.

Decision to be reviewed x months later based on his behavior at that time, with
y days trial if he gets to go outside again.


I really CAN'T take his behaviour anymore.
He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3
blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on his
own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and like
the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a place I
have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds) He
does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen that
the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are.
He's doing nothing but talking back. And most of the time it stems from him
not being able to do something HE wants to do that the other kids are doing.
I'm really sick and tired of it.

So don't let him play with those kids. Those kids are bad for him. Which may
mean not letting him play outside.

Yeah, he must be letting himself out. At this point, I'd even consider moving
to see if you can make a clean break of the situation.

But it comes down to - you just plain have to supervise him. At least for
awhile. And he has to earn each and every privelege. And be on a provisoinal
period for each new privelege.

I know it's hard (Im the single mother of a son), but sounds like you just have
to do a re-set and start over.

Banty

Banty wrote:

In article , Kat says...

Last night, there was a HUGE explosion.
snip
Really, I've had it with him. His behaviour has NOT been even close to
acceptable for some time, but lately it's getting worse. At one point I
DRAGGED him to the police station and told the cops there that I've had it,
I'm about ready to give up and they need to give me some sort of resources
before I lose it with him. They gave me a useless list of "resources" that
got me nowhere.

I think both of you need a time out.

(What did you want the cops to do?)

His behavior is unacceptable, but so is yours.

It sounds like he is perhaps depressed and is at least acting out
because he is hurting that his dad is not there and you say he has
said he blames you for that. He's a kid - there's some excuse for him
But you are the adult. Screaming and threatening will not get him to
behave better. Dragging him to the police station just shows him that
not only does he not have a father, but his mother doesn't love or
respect or want him either. If that's the way he feels about you, why
should he do what you say?

It is all very well not to want to get into the reason that his father
is no longer in his life, but at this point it either has to be
discussed with him or you will have to avail yourself of one of those
'useless' resources so that he can talk to someone else about it.

Or you can let him go wild and do what he wants to do.

So why do you let him play outside? He cant be trusted to come back in; he cant
play outside. I hope he didnt get dinner.

Decision to be reviewed x months later based on his behavior at that time, with
y days trial if he gets to go outside again.


I really CAN'T take his behaviour anymore.
He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3
blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on his
own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and like
the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a place I
have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds) He
does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen that
the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are.
He's doing nothing but talking back. And most of the time it stems from him
not being able to do something HE wants to do that the other kids are doing.
I'm really sick and tired of it.

So don't let him play with those kids. Those kids are bad for him. Which may
mean not letting him play outside.

Yeah, he must be letting himself out. At this point, I'd even consider moving
to see if you can make a clean break of the situation.

But it comes down to - you just plain have to supervise him. At least for
awhile. And he has to earn each and every privelege. And be on a provisoinal
period for each new privelege.

I know it's hard (Im the single mother of a son), but sounds like you just have
to do a re-set and start over.

Although others have said what punishments to use, IMHO those things
that are suggested are worse than a physical beating.

You are going to have to supervise, and it is going to have to be WITH
his cooperation because it is too late for you to physically make him
do things like you could when he was two or three. It is going to
have to be positive reinforcement of some kind. I don't think it
will work as well to take AWAY the things that he likes until he
behaves. Something small thing that he wants will happen if he
behaves in an acceptable way for a short period of time.

Maybe have a friend over to do their homework together and eat dinner
with you, or something like that.

..

Kat wrote:
Last night, there was a HUGE explosion.
DS came home from school. He wanted to go play outside right away. I made
a deal with him that he can play for a bit, but when supper's ready, he
comes in, has supper (obviously) and then he must do his homework right
after supper before he's allowed to do anything (go back outside, watch TV,
computer, whatever) He said that was fine.
So, I make supper and while I'm outside at the BBQ, I call for him. And I
call. And I call. Supper's on the table, I go out and call again. We're
eating supper and go figure, I call again and he's nowhere to be found. At
this point, I am more than just ****ed off. He's not supposed to be
anywhere that he can't hear me or see the house. Apparently he's decided to
do as he pleases.
We have supper, finish, and I call him again.
Half an hour or so after supper, he's walking around just outside the yard.
I tell him simply he needs to come in now. He's with about 3-4 other boys.
He yells no at me. Once again, I just tell him he needs to come in now.
Once again, he's yelling at me, and quite frankly, I could just about knock
his block off. Last time, I tell him it's time to come in. He again yells
no and comes in the yard, grabs a football and walks out of the yard. Now
I'm ****ed off big time.

Don't get ****ed off. Make it absolutely clear that this behavior is not
acceptable. I would ground him, not allowing him to watch TV, play any
computer games, play with his friends or anything for a week.

He also thought that it was not time eat dinner when you did. He should
have gone without dinner that night.

I basically say he's inside NOW or there's going
to be trouble. He runs away from me, ends up throwing the ball at me to try
and hit me and storms off in the house, yelling and shouting, even swearing
at me.
Really, I've had it with him. His behaviour has NOT been even close to
acceptable for some time, but lately it's getting worse. At one point I
DRAGGED him to the police station and told the cops there that I've had it,
I'm about ready to give up and they need to give me some sort of resources
before I lose it with him. They gave me a useless list of "resources" that
got me nowhere.
I really CAN'T take his behaviour anymore.

Have you talked to the school and see what's going on there?

Have you asked the school for help?

It sound like some professional help may help. Talk to your pediatrician.

He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3
blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on his
own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and like
the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a place I
have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds) He
does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen that
the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are.

Ding Ding Ding.

We have a winner!

If it's only with these other kids, he is not allowed to see the other
kids at all. That should at least greatly help the problem.

He's doing nothing but talking back. And most of the time it stems from him
not being able to do something HE wants to do that the other kids are doing.
I'm really sick and tired of it.
Last night, after he finally came in (and I had gone out of the yard to drag
him in, which is when he was running away and throwing the ball at me) he
was yelling and swearing and you name it. Then he ended up saying that it's
MY fault that he doesn't have a dad, which is, for the most part, untrue.
I felt like yelling at him that he doesn't have a proper dad because his dad
is a drug addict, selfish, immature, irresponsible and self-centered. Which
is true.
I can't and won't force N to stop by to see the kids. Or help with
supporting or raising them. I can't force him to be a proper father, as he
should be. I will NOT have him here on drugs or have him come one day, no
word for 2 weeks, come another day, basically come and go as he pleases...
Tell the kids he's stopping by (or not tell the kids and just keep it to
myself thinking he'll be here) and he doesn't come.



I'm at the point, though, where I just CAN'T take this behaviour, and from a
7 year old. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm just about ready
to drop him off at the police station, tell them to do something with him
because I can't and leave.
I can't handle his yelling and swearing, taking off and disappearing...
Doing as he pleases when he pleases. And when he doesn't get his way, he'll
destroy things just to try and **** me off... Like dig holes in the wall,
write all over the floor in his room, throw toys around, rip clothes out of
his closet and drawers... you name it.
I'm really at the end of my rope... Is there ANYTHING to try doing??

1) Don't let him see these other kids. They are not his friends.
2) Get some counseling for you and your family. I think there are other
things that are going on, like the lack of contact with the father.
There are probably things that you didn't mention, too.
3) Talk to the school. Maybe they can help. Perhaps there are
after-school programs he can join. OR get him into sports in a positive way.
4) Think consequences. If he does what he is supposed to, he gets
rewards. If he doesn't, get a backbone. If he comes in late for dinner,
he goes to bed hungry. Millions of kids who do what they're supposed go
to bed hungry every day in the US. They survive. So will he. If he goes
where isn't supposed to, he doesn't go out for a while. The kid will
yell and curse be ****ed off. Too bad.
5) Talk to the pediatrician. He or she may be able to refer you to
additional resources.
6) Consider taking parenting classes. Getting someone else advice may
give you additional ideas and help you.

And also, it's not like he doesn't get things... He's in sports (thankfully
the season is coming to an end in the next couple weeks) and has more than
enough. Taking away fun things or priviledges seems to be useless. I do
comment on good behaviour - tell him it makes me happy when he does this,
makes me proud when he does that. Nothing seems to be working.

My bottom line thought is that you need to get backbone, make the
consequences stick. And when they don't, make the consequences even more
harse until they work.

Jeff

--------------------------------------------------
From: "Kat"
Sent: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 8:07 AM
Newsgroups: misc.kids
Subject: How to deal with 7 year old?

Last night, there was a HUGE explosion.
DS came home from school. He wanted to go play outside right away. I
made a deal with him that he can play for a bit, but when supper's ready,
he comes in, has supper (obviously) and then he must do his homework right
after supper before he's allowed to do anything (go back outside, watch
TV, computer, whatever) He said that was fine.
So, I make supper and while I'm outside at the BBQ, I call for him. And I
call. And I call. Supper's on the table, I go out and call again. We're
eating supper and go figure, I call again and he's nowhere to be found. At
this point, I am more than just ****ed off. He's not supposed to be
anywhere that he can't hear me or see the house. Apparently he's decided
to do as he pleases.

Honestly, my DS is 7 yo. He doesn't roam the neighborhood without me. If
he were outside and didn't come in when I called, I'd panic, not sit there,
eat dinner and get ****ed off. I'd be looking for him. And when I found
him, he'd be grounded and would take quite a long time to regain my trust.

I really CAN'T take his behaviour anymore.
He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3
blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on his
own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and
like the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a
place I have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year
olds) He does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and
I've seen that the other kids have parents that just don't care where
their kids are.
He's doing nothing but talking back. And most of the time it stems from
him not being able to do something HE wants to do that the other kids are
doing.
I'm really sick and tired of it.

Do you let him out? I wouldn't. It doesn't seem you really care where your
child is, either. I mean, he's gone and you're not worried, just ****ed
off.

I can't and won't force N to stop by to see the kids. Or help with
supporting or raising them. I can't force him to be a proper father, as
he should be. I will NOT have him here on drugs or have him come one day,
no word for 2 weeks, come another day, basically come and go as he
pleases... Tell the kids he's stopping by (or not tell the kids and just
keep it to myself thinking he'll be here) and he doesn't come.
I'm at the point, though, where I just CAN'T take this behaviour, and from
a 7 year old. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm just about
ready to drop him off at the police station, tell them to do something
with him because I can't and leave.

However you feel about his dad, you chose him. Your child had no choice.
He's upset and rightfully so. He knows no other way to express his grief.
I suggest counseling.

I can't handle his yelling and swearing, taking off and disappearing...
Doing as he pleases when he pleases. And when he doesn't get his way,
he'll destroy things just to try and **** me off... Like dig holes in the
wall, write all over the floor in his room, throw toys around, rip clothes
out of his closet and drawers... you name it.
I'm really at the end of my rope... Is there ANYTHING to try doing??

You need to stop and listen to yourself. Yes, his behavior is not good, but
it didn't happen overnight. People work off of each other and you are part
of the dynamic. If my dad was gone and my mom wanted to drop me off at the
police station, I'd probably act out, too. I mean, moms are supposed to
love us no matter what.

In article , Jeff says...

Kat wrote:
He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3
blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on his
own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and like
the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a place I
have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds) He
does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen that
the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are.

Ding Ding Ding.

We have a winner!

If it's only with these other kids, he is not allowed to see the other
kids at all. That should at least greatly help the problem.

Which, in practical terms, means he does not go outside unless Mom or a relative
is with him.

Sucks; he'd be underfoot all the time, but that's how it is. I've been there.

As was suggested by Rosalie, he'll need to have activities arranged or whatever
to fillt he time. And I'd move, seriously. This situation will make it very
hard to bring up a kid.

Banty

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , Jeff says...

Kat wrote:
He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3
blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on
his
own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and
like
the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a
place I
have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds)
He
does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen
that
the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are.

Ding Ding Ding.

We have a winner!

If it's only with these other kids, he is not allowed to see the other
kids at all. That should at least greatly help the problem.

Which, in practical terms, means he does not go outside unless Mom or a
relative
is with him.

Sucks; he'd be underfoot all the time, but that's how it is. I've been
there.

As was suggested by Rosalie, he'll need to have activities arranged or
whatever
to fillt he time. And I'd move, seriously. This situation will make it
very
hard to bring up a kid.

Banty

Also, no threats of consequences should be given unless the parent is fully
prepared to follow through with them.

He's not allowed to go to the store, and he goes to the store? You go down
there and escort him back home. He hangs with bad company? You go fetch him,
tell the other kids to get lost, and escort him home. Drag him by the arm,
if need be. Be the mean mother that the other kids fear. Sign him up for Cub
Scouts, after school programs, anything to keep him busy and away from
drifting aimlessly with a bad crowd. As Banty suggested, move.

This kid is *seven*. He is in no way responsible enough to be in charge of
himself.
Taking him down to the police station in hopes of changing his behavior was
a huge mistake, because this kid is savvy enough to realize that if the
police can't really make him listen to his mother, she can't either, so hey,
he can go back home and do what he wants. It was also a mistake to involve
him in the parent's issues, they are way too much for a child to deal with,
and for this professional help is probably needed. The harm is already done,
no putting that genie back in the bottle, now the harm can just be
mitigated.

If the OP has it this bad when her son is just seven, wait until he is an
adolescent and his little sisters are following in his footsteps. Get help
NOW.

"dejablues" wrote in message
...
Also, no threats of consequences should be given unless the parent is
fully prepared to follow through with them.

He's not allowed to go to the store, and he goes to the store? You go down
there and escort him back home. He hangs with bad company? You go fetch
him, tell the other kids to get lost, and escort him home. Drag him by
the arm, if need be. Be the mean mother that the other kids fear. Sign him
up for Cub Scouts, after school programs, anything to keep him busy and
away from drifting aimlessly with a bad crowd. As Banty suggested, move.

Agree with fetching the kid. Not a good idea to sit around steaming about
where the kid is. OP needs to go find him and drag him home. As for
moving, I don't think it would work. There are kids like that everywhere
and he will find the same type of crowd elsewhere, especially if mom's
behavior doesn't change. Sticking him in scouts and other programs might
work, because he will be forced to see other kids who aren't anything like
what he's used to seeing -- kids who have to listen to their parents.
Counseling would help, but only if mom is willing to work on herself, as
well.

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
Banty wrote:

In article , Kat says...

Last night, there was a HUGE explosion.
snip
Really, I've had it with him. His behaviour has NOT been even close to
acceptable for some time, but lately it's getting worse. At one point I
DRAGGED him to the police station and told the cops there that I've had
it,
I'm about ready to give up and they need to give me some sort of
resources
before I lose it with him. They gave me a useless list of "resources"
that
got me nowhere.

I think both of you need a time out.

Yes, but how would something like this be possible? Neither of us can sit
in a corner for a time out, and a vacation for either of us is out of the
question lol

(What did you want the cops to do?)

His behavior is unacceptable, but so is yours.

It sure is, but if it was only recently, then there'd be more of an
acceptable explanation.

It sounds like he is perhaps depressed and is at least acting out
because he is hurting that his dad is not there and you say he has
said he blames you for that. He's a kid - there's some excuse for him
But you are the adult. Screaming and threatening will not get him to
behave better. Dragging him to the police station just shows him that
not only does he not have a father, but his mother doesn't love or
respect or want him either. If that's the way he feels about you, why
should he do what you say?

He's been acting out far longer than N has been gone. When I went to the
police station, it was a long while back. Behavior did somewhat change for
a little.

It is all very well not to want to get into the reason that his father
is no longer in his life, but at this point it either has to be
discussed with him or you will have to avail yourself of one of those
'useless' resources so that he can talk to someone else about it.

When N was here that one day, DS came home from school and threw his bag
inside and went to go outside to play. I stopped him (because N was here)
and DS made it clear that he'd much rather go out than stay in and he didn't
even say hi.
When I asked him about it, just casually brought it up, he told me he didn't
care to stay hi or stick around because he didn't want to. He told me (this
wasn't in anger or anything at all) that he doesn't want N to live here and
is glad he's not here. I asked him why. He said because N is mean to him
all the time. I figured that was fair enough for him to say or feel and the
topic was just sort of dropped. To a 7 year old, though, "mean" can be that
he's not allowed to do something or can't have something. I'm mean if he
can't eat a box of cookies. I'm mean if he needs to do homework, clean his
room, whatever. From what he said, I do take it that he's just ****ed off
with his dad.

Or you can let him go wild and do what he wants to do.

So why do you let him play outside? He cant be trusted to come back in;
he cant
play outside. I hope he didnt get dinner.

Decision to be reviewed x months later based on his behavior at that time,
with
y days trial if he gets to go outside again.


I really CAN'T take his behaviour anymore.
He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3
blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on
his
own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park, and
like
the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road and a
place I
have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7 year olds)
He
does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids, and I've seen
that
the other kids have parents that just don't care where their kids are.
He's doing nothing but talking back. And most of the time it stems from
him
not being able to do something HE wants to do that the other kids are
doing.
I'm really sick and tired of it.

So don't let him play with those kids. Those kids are bad for him. Which
may
mean not letting him play outside.

Yeah, he must be letting himself out. At this point, I'd even consider
moving
to see if you can make a clean break of the situation.

But it comes down to - you just plain have to supervise him. At least for
awhile. And he has to earn each and every privelege. And be on a
provisoinal
period for each new privelege.

I know it's hard (Im the single mother of a son), but sounds like you just
have
to do a re-set and start over.

Although others have said what punishments to use, IMHO those things
that are suggested are worse than a physical beating.

You are going to have to supervise, and it is going to have to be WITH
his cooperation because it is too late for you to physically make him
do things like you could when he was two or three. It is going to
have to be positive reinforcement of some kind. I don't think it
will work as well to take AWAY the things that he likes until he
behaves. Something small thing that he wants will happen if he
behaves in an acceptable way for a short period of time.

Maybe have a friend over to do their homework together and eat dinner
with you, or something like that.

He doesn't go to the school directly in our neighbourhood. The kids in his
class live all over this side of the city - very, very few kids in his class
live somewhat close to the school or to us. Almost all of his class takes
the school buses to the school because it's not just the community school.
To have someone from his class come here after school, it would mean that
the other parent(s) would have to give the school permission to NOT send
their child on the bus and that parent would either have to pick their child
up from school or I'd have to make arrangements with the parent and school
and bus to take their child from school - or the parent would need to bring
their child here after school/I'd have to go to the house to pick the child
up... Then deal with getting the kid home after supper.
And quite frankly, I am glad he goes to a separate school and NOT the
community school that everyone else around here goes to.

"Jeff" wrote in message
...
Kat wrote:
Last night, there was a HUGE explosion.
DS came home from school. He wanted to go play outside right away. I
made a deal with him that he can play for a bit, but when supper's ready,
he comes in, has supper (obviously) and then he must do his homework
right after supper before he's allowed to do anything (go back outside,
watch TV, computer, whatever) He said that was fine.
So, I make supper and while I'm outside at the BBQ, I call for him. And
I call. And I call. Supper's on the table, I go out and call again.
We're eating supper and go figure, I call again and he's nowhere to be
found. At this point, I am more than just ****ed off. He's not supposed
to be anywhere that he can't hear me or see the house. Apparently he's
decided to do as he pleases.
We have supper, finish, and I call him again.
Half an hour or so after supper, he's walking around just outside the
yard. I tell him simply he needs to come in now. He's with about 3-4
other boys. He yells no at me. Once again, I just tell him he needs to
come in now. Once again, he's yelling at me, and quite frankly, I could
just about knock his block off. Last time, I tell him it's time to come
in. He again yells no and comes in the yard, grabs a football and walks
out of the yard. Now I'm ****ed off big time.

Don't get ****ed off. Make it absolutely clear that this behavior is not
acceptable. I would ground him, not allowing him to watch TV, play any
computer games, play with his friends or anything for a week.

I did do that. He knows he has a full week of not going outside unless I am
outside and in the yard with him. He's not even to be outside when I'm not
out there, and he's not to be out of the yard. He's lost the computer and
TV for 3 days, though, which he agreed to and thought was fair. I'm alright
with that. He can use the computer for school work only, if it comes up,
but that is really, really rare that he needs the computer for anything at
home for school related work.

He also thought that it was not time eat dinner when you did. He should
have gone without dinner that night.

He sure did. I figured no child has starved to death or had some sort of
malnutrition from missing supper one day. By disappearing and not coming
back for supper, he volunteered to miss supper that day. Breakfast was the
next meal, and boy did he at least have a good breakfast this morning lol

I basically say he's inside NOW or there's going to be trouble. He runs
away from me, ends up throwing the ball at me to try and hit me and
storms off in the house, yelling and shouting, even swearing at me.
Really, I've had it with him. His behaviour has NOT been even close to
acceptable for some time, but lately it's getting worse. At one point I
DRAGGED him to the police station and told the cops there that I've had
it, I'm about ready to give up and they need to give me some sort of
resources before I lose it with him. They gave me a useless list of
"resources" that got me nowhere.
I really CAN'T take his behaviour anymore.

Have you talked to the school and see what's going on there?

Yes, I have talked to his teacher recently and she has no real concerns
(nothing alarming, anyways, other than she brought up the homework thing,
not a big deal and doesn't have much at all to do with what's going on now)
His teacher speaks wonders of him, and I didn't start pouring my heart and
problems out to his teacher. I simply said I was asking because I'm having
a few concerns at home with his behaviour and all that and wanted to know
how he was acting in school. As always, his teacher basically said how he's
such a pleasure. Smart, very bright and doing very, very well. Pays
attention, does what he's to do, no issues at all... No issues at all from
school, and when I think about it, the call about his homework - just
letting me know that he didn't do it and had to stay in for recess a couple
days to catch up - was the first time I had been called by his teacher in 3
years.

Have you asked the school for help?

No, mainly because this doesn't seem to be an issue at all at school. Just
at home. I figured there's no point in telling all the dirty stuff to the
school. I thought by doing so, that might give him a bad name or something
with the school/teachers. He's fine and dandy at school... I didn't and
don't see any reason to air dirty laundry to them when it doesn't seem to be
even a tiny issue at school.

It sound like some professional help may help. Talk to your pediatrician.

I have to call for the kids' yearly appointments real soon anyways. Maybe
this would be something to ask. Maybe the ped would have some better
resources or something...

He takes off and disappears often. He'll take off to the store 2 or 3
blocks away when I had told him he's not allowed to go to the store on
his own OR with other 7 year old friends. He's taken off to the park,
and like the store, it's a couple blocks away, across a busy, busy road
and a place I have specifically said he may not go alone (or with other 7
year olds) He does not go by himself. It's ONLY with these other kids,
and I've seen that the other kids have parents that just don't care where
their kids are.

Ding Ding Ding.

We have a winner!

If it's only with these other kids, he is not allowed to see the other
kids at all. That should at least greatly help the problem.

I've found this is a major problem. Generally speaking, most of the kids
around here roam as they please. The parents don't seem to care. There's a
few that do, of course, but generally, it sure seems like a majority don't
give a damn.
Telling DS he can't associate with the kids around here is nearly
impossible. I've tried that. Behaviour seems to almost get worse in this
case. It would be real hard to keep him locked up inside and away from all
the other kids around here.

He's doing nothing but talking back. And most of the time it stems from
him not being able to do something HE wants to do that the other kids are
doing.
I'm really sick and tired of it.
Last night, after he finally came in (and I had gone out of the yard to
drag him in, which is when he was running away and throwing the ball at
me) he was yelling and swearing and you name it. Then he ended up saying
that it's MY fault that he doesn't have a dad, which is, for the most
part, untrue.
I felt like yelling at him that he doesn't have a proper dad because his
dad is a drug addict, selfish, immature, irresponsible and self-centered.
Which is true.
I can't and won't force N to stop by to see the kids. Or help with
supporting or raising them. I can't force him to be a proper father, as
he should be. I will NOT have him here on drugs or have him come one
day, no word for 2 weeks, come another day, basically come and go as he
pleases... Tell the kids he's stopping by (or not tell the kids and just
keep it to myself thinking he'll be here) and he doesn't come.



I'm at the point, though, where I just CAN'T take this behaviour, and
from a 7 year old. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I'm just
about ready to drop him off at the police station, tell them to do
something with him because I can't and leave.
I can't handle his yelling and swearing, taking off and disappearing...
Doing as he pleases when he pleases. And when he doesn't get his way,
he'll destroy things just to try and **** me off... Like dig holes in the
wall, write all over the floor in his room, throw toys around, rip
clothes out of his closet and drawers... you name it.
I'm really at the end of my rope... Is there ANYTHING to try doing??

1) Don't let him see these other kids. They are not his friends.
2) Get some counseling for you and your family. I think there are other
things that are going on, like the lack of contact with the father. There
are probably things that you didn't mention, too.
3) Talk to the school. Maybe they can help. Perhaps there are after-school
programs he can join. OR get him into sports in a positive way.
4) Think consequences. If he does what he is supposed to, he gets rewards.
If he doesn't, get a backbone. If he comes in late for dinner, he goes to
bed hungry. Millions of kids who do what they're supposed go to bed hungry
every day in the US. They survive. So will he. If he goes where isn't
supposed to, he doesn't go out for a while. The kid will yell and curse be
****ed off. Too bad.
5) Talk to the pediatrician. He or she may be able to refer you to
additional resources.
6) Consider taking parenting classes. Getting someone else advice may give
you additional ideas and help you.

And also, it's not like he doesn't get things... He's in sports
(thankfully the season is coming to an end in the next couple weeks) and
has more than enough. Taking away fun things or priviledges seems to be
useless. I do comment on good behaviour - tell him it makes me happy
when he does this, makes me proud when he does that. Nothing seems to be
working.

My bottom line thought is that you need to get backbone, make the
consequences stick. And when they don't, make the consequences even more
harse until they work.

Jeff