A Parenting & kids forum. ParentingBanter.com

If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Go Back   Home » ParentingBanter.com forum » misc.kids » General (moderated)
Site Map Home Authors List Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read Web Partners

Parenting a difficult teen



 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old January 15th 06, 01:50 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parenting a difficult teen

Hi


I have just re-found this group. I used to subscribe to misc.kids
hundreds of years ago when the internet had hardly just begun and my
kids were just babies. Now, firstborn is almost 15 and life is pure
hell. She's in trouble at school (truanting, being temporarily
excluded, failing, low self esteem), known to the police (shoplifting,
absconding from home) trouble at home (foul behaviour, language,
stealing, smoking, drinking, going out whenever and wherever, having
her beautiful face pierced, no family involvement) and things just keep
going downhill. As a parent, I feel as if I am living with an abusive
partner, and my feelings towards what was once such a beautiful and
bright child are completely confused. I feel that at 14 she is not
emotionally mature enough not to put herself in vulnerable positions,
although I fully support
her need to grow up.
There seems to be NO HELP whatsover, so perhaps some other wise parents
who have lived through this and come out the other side (as I'm sure
there will be one) can offer some advice. This is so emotionally
draining, and I have other people in my life that need me too.

Hopefully,

elisa

  #2  
Old January 16th 06, 05:42 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parenting a difficult teen

I do hope you will look for help. There are parenting groups. The library
is often an excellent source for information. Tough Love and not giving
into demands of the child. Consistency, clear boundaries, and
communications will be your allies. Learn to use them wisely. Best of luck
to you and your children.


wrote in message
oups.com...
Hi


I have just re-found this group.



  #3  
Old January 16th 06, 06:25 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parenting a difficult teen

I can only reply as a former "difficult" teen. My daughter is not even 4
yet, but I'll tell you what my folks did to curb my behavior.

1. Get tough. My mom spoke honestly to me, but she laid down ground rules,
and when I broke them, I was grounded, hauled by my shoulder into the house
(when I came home at 1am at 16, pushed in a chair and read the riot act).
She also smacked me some, not too bad. At this time, I was 16 dating a 22
y/o man and having sex and smoking pot. Yeah, I deserved to get hit some.
And no, I have no emotional scars.

2. She spoke honestly about the world and the real path I was going down.
She never let me forget how much I was loved, and we went to counseling
together.

3. She was present. I knew that she wasn't going to let me slide because she
was there when I got home from school and also she was waiting for me when I
got home from a date.

Please, don';t take this as a criticism of you. I have often heard that when
women should be at home most is when their kids are in the middle-teen
years. I hope I can do that someday. I am fortunate enough that we planned
it so I can be home now.

Watch the movie "thirteen" if you haven't seen it allready. For some reason,
between the ages of 12-14, girls' self-esteem plummets (not all, but many).
I know with the changing grades, middle school being hell, it's a lot on a
person. The movie is fantastic and lets you remember the essential thing: no
matter how they act they are still just babies on the inside.

HTH,

Theresa


  #4  
Old January 28th 06, 08:28 AM posted to misc.kids.moderated
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Parenting a difficult teen

I almost went down the same path when I was in high school. I was the
only child at home, and was living in a one parent household. My Dad
was a postal worker and was often too tired to participate in my life
and that gave me WAY too much leeway. It is my opinion that the reason
I started acting out was because I was given 100 feet of rope to hang
myself with, if that makes sense. I knew my Dad was too tired to argue
with me. I knew that I could take advantage of the situation I was in
to get whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. He was always mentally
tired, and physically tired and I took advantage every chance I got.

Sometimes, going back to the beginning is a good place to start. Just
think about toddlers. If you don't give them something constructive to
do, they would find unacceptable things to get into. Teenagers are not
much different. They need direction, and supervision. I think we as
parents forget that just because they can wipe their own butt, fix
their own food, and take care of their basic needs, doesn't necessarily
mean it should be that way. I think many parents make the mistake in
believing our teens are grown up, when in reality, the teen years are
just as important as those toddler years. Instead of teaching them how
to interact and preparing them for school -- you have to prepare them
for life. Teens are just like babies. They need that constant support
and love because they are going through vast changes, just like when
they were babies.

So, with that said, here are my suggestions:

1. Counseling -- If it is a matter of money, there are many groups
out there that help at low cost and no cost. Help is always there, you
just have to be determined and look for it. My Dad had immediately
took me to counseling when I started going downhill and it helped us
bond. This is the MOST important thing. You need a professional to
help you discover why she is acting out and what you can do to fix it.

2. Make time for her -- Get a gym membership together. It can help
with self esteem, its good for the both of you, and it will give you
something to bond over. If not that, find something you can do
together. One hour of your day can make the difference. If you find
yourself not being able to make the time, then you might want to
consider alternatives to make the time.

3. Find something constructive for her to participate in -- Find
out what she loves and use it. Art groups, sports, dance, music
lessons, poetry readings, volunteering. The more positive things you
introduce her to, the chances are she will leave behind those bad
influences for positive ones. It sounds like she has way too much time
on her hands.

4. Remember that YOU are the parent -- Don't let her push you
around.

5. A contract -- She is old enough to understand consequences. Sit
down and write out the rules of the house. Make sure the punishments
fit the crime. Make sure that there are equal positive goals as well.
Discuss your expectations and what you will/will not tolerate. Get her
in the habit of talking with you and compromising. Make sure she has a
copy of it and both of you sign it. This will only work if you enforce
100% of the time consistently. My Dad did this and it kept me in line.
If I went a whole month without a major screw up, he would take me out
to dinner and then let me pick out a CD I wanted, or a DVD. The key is
to give her something to work towards.

6. Show her the path she is headed down -- My Dad took me to a
crisis clinic. He had me volunteer at an battered women's shelter. He
signed me up for every program imaginable that showed me how sex and
drugs can ruin your life. Again, if you do the research, you can find
these programs. Working with battered women and listening to their
life stories set me straight. Many of them got in with the wrong crowd
at a young age. Most were drug users, and/or uneducated. There wasn't
a day that went by that at least one of those women would tell me how
important school was, or how they wished they took the right path. I
also met my share of successful, highly educated women that were
beaten, and hearing their stories helped me as well. It taught me that
just because you are intelligent and successful, that you aren't any
less prone to abuse. It showed me that as a woman, no matter where you
come from, is hard and taught me to be strong. But the greatest lesson
was watching those women rise from the lowest points in their lives and
become something better. It gave me hope. So, that might be somewhere
to start as well.

I really wish you luck and hope things straighten out.

 




Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Parenting re-uniting [email protected] Solutions 1 December 24th 05 01:00 AM
Child Support Guidelines are UNFAIR! Lets join together to fight them! S Myers Child Support 115 September 12th 05 12:37 AM
Center for troubled teens is under fire wexwimpy Foster Parents 1 February 5th 04 04:43 PM
| | Kids should work... Kane General 13 December 10th 03 03:30 AM
Kids should work. LaVonne Carlson General 22 December 7th 03 05:27 AM


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 07:06 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2004-2024 ParentingBanter.com.
The comments are property of their posters.