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#11
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No Wrap Shower
Sarah Vaughan wrote:
beyond the pale wrote: This person really wants to throw me a little shower again, it would be the same people as last time. It's been just over 4 years. I am debating if it's rude to "turn down" a shower, and I am debating if it's rude to let her throw the shower but have her somehow let people know that we saved everything and will only need some basics and mostly diapers and wipes. I don't want to dictate my shower, you know? It's not a choice between having a shower or having nothing. Seems to me it would be perfectly reasonable to say to her "That's so kind of you! I don't feel it would be appropriate to have a *shower* again, since these people brought me gifts for my last shower, but why don't we have a celebration party for the baby? I would love you to host that." Sorry, just to clarify - I meant you could ask for a celebration party before the baby's born (basically, a shower without the expectation of gift-giving). Of course, as Ericka pointed out, there are loads of options if you do want the party to be after the baby's born. I was just thinking that it might be nice to have it before the birth, when you're likely to feel more up to entertaining. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com "That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell |
#12
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No Wrap Shower
Sarah Vaughan wrote:
Sorry, just to clarify - I meant you could ask for a celebration party before the baby's born (basically, a shower without the expectation of gift-giving). Of course, as Ericka pointed out, there are loads of options if you do want the party to be after the baby's born. I was just thinking that it might be nice to have it before the birth, when you're likely to feel more up to entertaining. There's no problem having any other sort of party before the birth or after--whichever suits everyone involved. Whatever the host was planning before can be *exactly* the same, except you don't call it a shower and you don't open gifts in front of everyone (so those who don't choose to bring a gift don't feel awkward). Best wishes, Ericka |
#13
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No Wrap Shower
"Sarah Vaughan" wrote in message ... Sarah Vaughan wrote: beyond the pale wrote: This person really wants to throw me a little shower again, it would be the same people as last time. It's been just over 4 years. I am debating if it's rude to "turn down" a shower, and I am debating if it's rude to let her throw the shower but have her somehow let people know that we saved everything and will only need some basics and mostly diapers and wipes. I don't want to dictate my shower, you know? It's not a choice between having a shower or having nothing. Seems to me it would be perfectly reasonable to say to her "That's so kind of you! I don't feel it would be appropriate to have a *shower* again, since these people brought me gifts for my last shower, but why don't we have a celebration party for the baby? I would love you to host that." Sorry, just to clarify - I meant you could ask for a celebration party before the baby's born (basically, a shower without the expectation of gift-giving). Of course, as Ericka pointed out, there are loads of options if you do want the party to be after the baby's born. I was just thinking that it might be nice to have it before the birth, when you're likely to feel more up to entertaining. I know we all come from all over the place around the globe, and I do know that things can be so very different in another area... I've noticed that in a lot of other places, the norm seems to be that a friend throws the baby shower before the baby is born. Here, though, it seems that what tends to be more popular is to have a baby shower shortly after the baby is born. That's what a few friends have done, as well as what we did. It's also not uncommon for the close family of the parents to throw the shower, and as far as who is invited, it varies - sometimes it's males and females, sometimes it's just the females (friends and family). The reason, it seems, to have a shower shortly after the baby is born is to kind of kill two birds with one stone - not only do you have a chance to give/receive gifts, but you can also have one big event where everyone can see the baby, and this is good for friends and family that you don't see every day. My baby shower with DS was when he was 2-3 weeks old. My aunt hosted it at her house, her and my mom kind of did all the planning. It was the females mostly from my mom's side (aunts, female cousins, grandmas, etc, as well as a couple of my close female friends and their moms - my mom was close with my friends' moms as we grew up together and have stayed friends over the years) and my one male cousin did send a gift but did not attend. He is also DS's godfather. I didn't have a registry, I didn't request anything. I actually had very little as far as baby stuff went. I had a crib that my parents gave me, I bought a car seat/stroller travel system, I had clothes, diapers and a few other things that were necessities. When people asked what I needed, my mom said that what I really could use would be weather-appropriate clothing in larger sizes (12m and up) and that's what a lot of people did get as gifts. Oh, and there was maybe 15 people that were there. 4.5 years later, when DD1 was born, my grandma hosted a baby shower at her house. Those in attendance were my mom's side of the family, my dad's and a few of DH's side. All females (again, my same male cousin that is DS's godfather did send a gift but did not attend) DH's side of the family is fairly small, and there's only his parents, 3 aunts/uncles he is in contact with (one of those aunts has recently passed), no cousins he really keeps in contact with, 2 siblings and his bro and sis have a total of 9, IIRC, daughters. Fairly small when compared to my gazillion family members... For DD1's baby shower, we had one because this was a girl (last one was a boy) and there was a fair age gap between the 2. I had kept the big items from DS - crib, almost all his clothes, big toys like exersaucers, bouncy chairs, high chair, swing, etc., and DH and I did do a registry with small things that we wouldn't mind having. The "big" items we would have liked were a play pen, baby monitors and there was one more thing, I think. The rest of the items were small - I had wanted small things like baby washes and similar, 2 or 3 small little toys I really liked, cloth diapers and liners, and a few other little things like the car window shades, baby signs and maybe a nice new blanket for DD1. When asked, people were informed we had a registry, but it wasn't advertised with the invites. People were told we had a registry of some things we could use, and were also told that larger (12m+) girls' clothing would be handy as well (seeing as everything I had from DS was very boyish, and I did have quite a bit of 0-12m sized clothing as I had been given a garbage bag stuffed of girls' items that I really, really liked. They were hand me downs from a stranger on the local freecycle, but I liked almost everything, and lots was name brand stuff in excellent condition. My registry was only 1 page when printed off. With the exception of the playpen, which I believe was around $80 and the monitors which were around $45, everything else on the registry was $20 or less, with the average prices be around $15-$20. I didn't want to look or feel greedy or selfish, and we didn't need the big things as much as the smaller items. Got lots of clothes and things both on the registry and not. The way we did it, it seems, is what normally seems to happen around here. Friends' showers were the same, but 2 friends had showers that were all family - males and females. One friend had one for her side of the family, then her DH's side of the family - which is HUGE - had another one for them, seeing as there would have just been too many people! I was invited to both, as she is my closest friend since jr. high, but I wasn't able to make it to the second one for her DH's side. I also am close enough to her to know that she would not expect me to bring a second gift if I didn't want to or couldn't. I probably would have brought her something little anyways, but I actually brought over 2 garbage bags packed full of DS's baby clothes for her son a few months after her shower, and she said that these bags of clothes were far handier than almost everything else she got at her showers! (the bags weren't intended to be a baby shower gift, though) Different places all seem to be so very different. That's the way it seems to me, anyways. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com "That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell |
#14
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No Wrap Shower
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
It's not rude to turn down an offer to throw a shower. Just say, "You are so kind to think of me, but I would just be too embarrassed to put people through that trouble after they'd already been kind enough to throw a shower for my first. My mother would have my head on a platter if I accepted your kind offer." I said almost exactly this recently, my son is only 2 1/2 so there is no need for another shower. Then, if she continues to press it because she wants to have some sort of celebration, you can say, "If you really want to do something, maybe we could just have a little tea or something after the baby's born so that folks can meet him/her--but please, not a shower where people feel like they need to bring a gift." Even if you do some other kind of party, people may still bring gifts, but at least the gift-giving is not required. What they choose to do is their own business, so you accept it graciously. If people ask what you need/want, you can always say that you have everything from the first time around, so you don't need anything big and really it's just the consumables that you're saving up for this time. Phew - and this - Ericka do you hang out around my office/home? Weird! Showers are not done in Ireland - where I'm from - I was very uncomfortable with it the 1st time around, I did it because it was expected of me, when in Rome etc... This time if people ask, I tell them that we plan to use cloth nappies so if they'd like to buy some X brand, please do, but please don't feel obliged, we really have everything we could possibly need thank you very much. |
#15
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No Wrap Shower
I can see one possible way, but it's probably too late to plan it that
way, but you could decide to be enviromentally friendly and either have a register, or the host suggest gifts which are better for the environment, such as cloth diapers, eco friendly cleansing products etc. the invite could then without seeming bizarre politely request that in the interests of reducing waste, please consider how you present your gift. Of course you'd then have to not use any disposable plates or anything at the shower, parties often do produce a lot of waste. But, the parents-to-be have to be that way minded, it's got to be a genuine decision. Cheers Anne |
#16
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No Wrap Shower
"Ericka Kammerer" wrote Even with a shower, it's not really proper to enclose registry information with the invitation. I agree on this, but this shower is (or- would be, as my first one was) at my former place of employment which is a floor of a large company. It's just the way they do things- they throw showers for everyone- babies, wedding, etc. They post an invitation on the bulletin board as well as pass it around, and they always include registry info becuase if they don't, people will ask and ask and ask. So in this case, it's just the way they do it. They do it for everyone equally, and they do it the same way. Go figure I remember with the baby shower for #1 I was sort of nervous, I didn't like being the center of attention- and anothert lady had had a shower the week before, so it wasn't like mine stuck out in the middle of nowhere. They are not properly done. You can have any other sort of party to celebrate the arrival of this baby (and guests may well choose to bring gifts to it), but not properly a shower. This is what I think. It's not proper. But no matter what I think, people will do it unless I find a way to actually refuse, and someone is already mentioning it. I think I'm going to excuse myself somehow. I have even thought, since this is 30 miles away, of (truthfully) saying I am not up to the drive. People get all confused because they think that showers are about celebrating the baby. In fact, they're not. Showers are a party where the *woman* is "showered" with gifts of small, practical things she will need as a result of a change in her position (e.g., things to set up housekeeping as she moves from being single to married, or things to take care of a baby as she moves from not having children to having children). You'd think! I created my first registry as a reference for myself mostly, to pick out the baby gear *I* wanted to obtain over the course of the pregnancy, and also in case I got to where shopping was hard for me, so my DH could go and get the right item a little bit along. I did NOT, most certainly, think people were going to chip in and buy us what they did. People bought us the car seat and stroller set, Pack and Play, and other things like that. I was flabbergasted. All items I planned to buy myself all along. It was much appreciated, but sort of embarassing. It was too much. I felt.....well, like they spent too much! If the goal is to celebrate the baby, you can have a breakfast, brunch, luncheon, dinner, tea, Christening party, naming party, welcome home party, pool party, picnic, meet-the- baby party, or whatever other party you can dream up. Not only that, but anyone (including the parents) can throw the party, and they can invite anyone they want and as many or few guests as they want. None of those parties require folks to bring gifts, so all you're asking is for them to share your hospitality, and you can do that anytime you please. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I want to make an excuse out of the shower, and just have a come-meet-baby party. Knowing people like I do, though, people will still feel obligated to bring a gift. I looked up etiquette and apparently it is poor etiquette to include something on an invitation such as "Your presence is our gift" or something to let people know not to feel obligated. So, how do you let them know NOT to worry about it? Those who want to give a gift will anyway but I want to let people know it should not feel like an obligation or a breach of etiquette not to. People still sort of think like they do with birthday parties- they feel they are going to come and participate in activities or food, so they should show up with a gift. |
#17
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No Wrap Shower
"Boliath" wrote in message
... Ericka Kammerer wrote: It's not rude to turn down an offer to throw a shower. Just say, "You are so kind to think of me, but I would just be too embarrassed to put people through that trouble after they'd already been kind enough to throw a shower for my first. My mother would have my head on a platter if I accepted your kind offer." I said almost exactly this recently, my son is only 2 1/2 so there is no need for another shower. Then, if she continues to press it because she wants to have some sort of celebration, you can say, "If you really want to do something, maybe we could just have a little tea or something after the baby's born so that folks can meet him/her--but please, not a shower where people feel like they need to bring a gift." Even if you do some other kind of party, people may still bring gifts, but at least the gift-giving is not required. What they choose to do is their own business, so you accept it graciously. If people ask what you need/want, you can always say that you have everything from the first time around, so you don't need anything big and really it's just the consumables that you're saving up for this time. Phew - and this - Ericka do you hang out around my office/home? Weird! Showers are not done in Ireland - where I'm from - I was very uncomfortable with it the 1st time around, I did it because it was expected of me, when in Rome etc... This time if people ask, I tell them that we plan to use cloth nappies so if they'd like to buy some X brand, please do, but please don't feel obliged, we really have everything we could possibly need thank you very much. I have been trying to drop the hint/spread the word that we saved everything, so we have all of our baby gear and clothing. Hopefully this will be noticed. LOL. |
#18
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No Wrap Shower
"beyond the pale" wrote in message ... "Boliath" wrote in message ... Ericka Kammerer wrote: It's not rude to turn down an offer to throw a shower. Just say, "You are so kind to think of me, but I would just be too embarrassed to put people through that trouble after they'd already been kind enough to throw a shower for my first. My mother would have my head on a platter if I accepted your kind offer." I said almost exactly this recently, my son is only 2 1/2 so there is no need for another shower. Then, if she continues to press it because she wants to have some sort of celebration, you can say, "If you really want to do something, maybe we could just have a little tea or something after the baby's born so that folks can meet him/her--but please, not a shower where people feel like they need to bring a gift." Even if you do some other kind of party, people may still bring gifts, but at least the gift-giving is not required. What they choose to do is their own business, so you accept it graciously. If people ask what you need/want, you can always say that you have everything from the first time around, so you don't need anything big and really it's just the consumables that you're saving up for this time. Phew - and this - Ericka do you hang out around my office/home? Weird! Showers are not done in Ireland - where I'm from - I was very uncomfortable with it the 1st time around, I did it because it was expected of me, when in Rome etc... This time if people ask, I tell them that we plan to use cloth nappies so if they'd like to buy some X brand, please do, but please don't feel obliged, we really have everything we could possibly need thank you very much. I have been trying to drop the hint/spread the word that we saved everything, so we have all of our baby gear and clothing. Hopefully this will be noticed. LOL. I tried that with #2. We received so much for #1-she was the first of the next generation on both sides, and we moved area just before she was born and we got presents from the old area and the new area. I tried dropping the hint with #2, but instead we received two presents from everyone-something for #1 and something for #2. Interestingly with #3 we've had lots for him, and #1 and #2 have had, I think, 2 presents each. In fact today they got the second present and #1 said "but you're not meant to buy presents for us they're meant for #3". I don't know whether people are thinking "I don't want to buy 3 presents" or it seems a bigger thing for 1 to become 2, than 2 become 3, or if it's because he's a boy. Debbie |
#19
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No Wrap Shower
Welches wrote:
I tried that with #2. We received so much for #1-she was the first of the next generation on both sides, and we moved area just before she was born and we got presents from the old area and the new area. I tried dropping the hint with #2, but instead we received two presents from everyone-something for #1 and something for #2. That's sweet. I hope people remember my son when this baby arrives. I do try to get a gift for the other children if I'm buying for a new baby and of course this baby will bring home a gift from the hospital to his big brother. I'm planning on getting him a doctor set, he loves playing doctor and it seems appropriate. Interestingly with #3 we've had lots for him, and #1 and #2 have had, I think, 2 presents each. In fact today they got the second present and #1 said "but you're not meant to buy presents for us they're meant for #3". I don't know whether people are thinking "I don't want to buy 3 presents" or it seems a bigger thing for 1 to become 2, than 2 become 3, or if it's because he's a boy. I would guess it's because people don't want to buy 3 presents or they think the older ones are old enough to understand maybe? |
#20
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No Wrap Shower
"Boliath" wrote in message ... Welches wrote: I tried that with #2. We received so much for #1-she was the first of the next generation on both sides, and we moved area just before she was born and we got presents from the old area and the new area. I tried dropping the hint with #2, but instead we received two presents from everyone-something for #1 and something for #2. That's sweet. I hope people remember my son when this baby arrives. I do try to get a gift for the other children if I'm buying for a new baby and of course this baby will bring home a gift from the hospital to his big brother. I'm planning on getting him a doctor set, he loves playing doctor and it seems appropriate. Interestingly with #3 we've had lots for him, and #1 and #2 have had, I think, 2 presents each. In fact today they got the second present and #1 said "but you're not meant to buy presents for us they're meant for #3". I don't know whether people are thinking "I don't want to buy 3 presents" or it seems a bigger thing for 1 to become 2, than 2 become 3, or if it's because he's a boy. I would guess it's because people don't want to buy 3 presents or they think the older ones are old enough to understand maybe? Well #2 is 3.5yo now, and #1 was 3yo when #2 was born, so I don't think it's totally age related. I suspect it's thinking that it is more of a shock for #1 to have a baby spoil her only child bliss than for #1 and #2 to become older sisters. Really I'm glad that people haven't been buying them too much as they've got all they need and more, and they don't seem to be finding the attention on #3 a problem. Another interesting point that dh pointed out was that for #1 most of the presents were clothes. And of those most were size 3-6 months (we got so much in that size I ended up exchanging a lot for bigger sizes and still had too much in that size. #2 we got more toys than clothes, and the clothes were a fair mixture of sizes. With #3 we've got nearly all 0-3 months, with a few newborn, and two teddies for the toy department! Debbie |
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