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How to get my daughter back?



 
 
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  #1  
Old November 21st 06, 03:25 PM posted to misc.kids
Anna
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2
Default How to get my daughter back?

About 8 months ago my daughter, then 14, joined a bad crowed and gave
us a hard time. A Saturday night she got home drunk and we got to know
she was with that crowd. They broke a sloper and graffited a wall. We
paid for our share in the damages and got really scared, we didn't
expect our daughter could be so sidetracked. She apologized, said that
she was drunk and didn't know exactly what she was doing. That was was
true, but anyway we decided she needed a correction. For 3 months she
was grounded from almost everything, even her nice clothes, and had to
work to pay for the damages. She had to clean our house and the house
of neighbors, had to do some hard work. We told her if she were an
adult she might have ben arrested, so we tried to show here what she
might go through if she carried on with that behavior.

The girl left that crowd, the punishment worked but maybe we went
overboard. After the punishment she got depressed and extremely
resentful. She agreed she had messed up and deserved a punishment, but
couldn't expect it' be so hard. She says we didn't act like parents but
like law.

Now, we have nothing to complain about her, she partially got over her
depression, her grades are great, but she's linked to the past. Still
ashamed of what she did (she's a good girl, jut messed up) and
extremely resentful of us. We tried to tal, said now we're proud of
her, we had to be harsh for her best, to save her, but nothing changes
her resentful behavior. She got some comfort in volunteering activities
with children, but is still sad and resentful. Today, a teen that any
parent would be proud of but that avoids us. She's respectful, but
distant, doesn't see us as parents.

To make things worse, hjer grandma, mother of my husband, who lives
hundreds of miles away and loves the girl, suggested she should live
with her for something like a year. I hated the idea, but the girl love
it, says this will make her forget about her past, start a new life
with someone she loves so much. The problem is my mother in law is
insisting and she has a strong influence of my husband, who also
opposes the idea. She has the gold and is eager to pay for the girls's
school and everything. I don't think our girl will mess up again, she
loves her grandma, says she's her angel. I'm sure she won't get in any
trouble and will make her grandma happy, but this means we lost our
girl. I'm not sure about what I should do.

Why do these things happen? Why did my girl have to mess up? I can't
figure out what on earth turned her head upside down that occasion

Ana.

  #2  
Old November 21st 06, 07:33 PM posted to misc.kids
droxy
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 3
Default How to get my daughter back?

Hi Anna,
I raised 3 kids on my own, so I can relate to what you are going
through. Teenagers have got to be the worst people in the world, but
they do grow out of it. That usually happens when they turn 18 (become
adults in my country) and until then all parents can hope to do is
survive it. My kids also got in with a bad crowd and all three were
arrested at one time. Nothing too serious, just kids being mischievous,
but charged just the same. I was disappointed that in the case of my
youngest daughter, (shoplifting) she was given a slap on the wrist and
when she was arrested again a couple of years later for the same thing
she said it was because nothing happened to her the first time.
My son was arrested for vandalism of his school and I let him sit in
jail for 3 days before I bailed him out. He was 16 at the time and I
wanted him to learn before he turned 18. He learned all right and
swears he will never go back.
The oldest daughter was arrested for assault when she smushed another
girl in the back with an ice cream cone. It was all over some boy and
she had just turned 18. She got probation and realized then that she
was in trouble and mommy couldn't help her anymore, she was an adult.
They are all doing fine now and thank me for letting them make their
own mistakes. We are best friends and always have been, but some
lessons they have to learn on their own.
All you can do is be there if she needs you and try to teach her right
from wrong. It sounds like she's a good girl and even though you will
miss her, letting her live with her grandmother may be the way to get
her back. Once she has some distance from you she will miss you and she
will also see that there are going to be rules and discipline wherever
she goes to live. You could maybe try it for a short period, like 6
months or something and keep in touch with her by phone and mail.
You're fortunate that there is someone willing to have her live with
them and it could be good for all involved.
Good luck!
Debbie

Anna wrote:
About 8 months ago my daughter, then 14, joined a bad crowed and gave
us a hard time. A Saturday night she got home drunk and we got to know
she was with that crowd. They broke a sloper and graffited a wall. We
paid for our share in the damages and got really scared, we didn't
expect our daughter could be so sidetracked. She apologized, said that
she was drunk and didn't know exactly what she was doing. That was was
true, but anyway we decided she needed a correction. For 3 months she
was grounded from almost everything, even her nice clothes, and had to
work to pay for the damages. She had to clean our house and the house
of neighbors, had to do some hard work. We told her if she were an
adult she might have ben arrested, so we tried to show here what she
might go through if she carried on with that behavior.

The girl left that crowd, the punishment worked but maybe we went
overboard. After the punishment she got depressed and extremely
resentful. She agreed she had messed up and deserved a punishment, but
couldn't expect it' be so hard. She says we didn't act like parents but
like law.

Now, we have nothing to complain about her, she partially got over her
depression, her grades are great, but she's linked to the past. Still
ashamed of what she did (she's a good girl, jut messed up) and
extremely resentful of us. We tried to tal, said now we're proud of
her, we had to be harsh for her best, to save her, but nothing changes
her resentful behavior. She got some comfort in volunteering activities
with children, but is still sad and resentful. Today, a teen that any
parent would be proud of but that avoids us. She's respectful, but
distant, doesn't see us as parents.

To make things worse, hjer grandma, mother of my husband, who lives
hundreds of miles away and loves the girl, suggested she should live
with her for something like a year. I hated the idea, but the girl love
it, says this will make her forget about her past, start a new life
with someone she loves so much. The problem is my mother in law is
insisting and she has a strong influence of my husband, who also
opposes the idea. She has the gold and is eager to pay for the girls's
school and everything. I don't think our girl will mess up again, she
loves her grandma, says she's her angel. I'm sure she won't get in any
trouble and will make her grandma happy, but this means we lost our
girl. I'm not sure about what I should do.

Why do these things happen? Why did my girl have to mess up? I can't
figure out what on earth turned her head upside down that occasion

Ana.


  #3  
Old November 21st 06, 08:35 PM posted to misc.kids
Barbara
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 271
Default How to get my daughter back?

Anna wrote:
About 8 months ago my daughter, then 14, joined a bad crowed and gave
us a hard time. A Saturday night she got home drunk and we got to know
she was with that crowd. They broke a sloper and graffited a wall. We
paid for our share in the damages and got really scared, we didn't
expect our daughter could be so sidetracked. She apologized, said that
she was drunk and didn't know exactly what she was doing. That was was
true, but anyway we decided she needed a correction. For 3 months she
was grounded from almost everything, even her nice clothes, and had to
work to pay for the damages. She had to clean our house and the house
of neighbors, had to do some hard work. We told her if she were an
adult she might have ben arrested, so we tried to show here what she
might go through if she carried on with that behavior.

The girl left that crowd, the punishment worked but maybe we went
overboard. After the punishment she got depressed and extremely
resentful. She agreed she had messed up and deserved a punishment, but
couldn't expect it' be so hard. She says we didn't act like parents but
like law.

SNIP

Anna -- I don't know whether or not you were too hard on your daughter.
But if you were, it was a matter of degrees, IMHO. She messed up.
She was drinking underage, and she vandalized property. You made sure
that she suffered the consequences by (i) making her work to pay the
damages; and (ii) not allowing her to have privileges (freedom to do
certain things without parental supervision) when she had demonstrated
that you could not trust her to make good decisions. You have to
remind her that while it saddens you that she resents your actions,
your job as a parent is to teach her and to guide her, and sometimes
that means that she won't like what you do. After all, I'm sure that
SHE would have preferred that you say *kids will be kids, don't worry
about it,* paid the bill, and allowed her to continue going out with
these kids.

She's a teenager, and some days, it seems like its a teenager's *job*
to be resentful of her parents. I'm concerned with the element of
depression, though. Have you spoken to her teachers/school counselor?
Have you sought out counseling for her?

She may be between a rock and a hard place at school. The kids she was
hanging out with may be asking her to join them, or may be harassing
her for refusing to do so. Other kids may be wary to be friends with
her if she has a bad reputation. If that's the case, is there another
school that she could go to?

Good luck.

Barbara

  #4  
Old November 21st 06, 09:29 PM posted to misc.kids
Anna
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2
Default How to get my daughter back?




Anna -- I don't know whether or not you were too hard on your daughter.
But if you were, it was a matter of degrees, IMHO. She messed up.
She was drinking underage, and she vandalized property. You made sure
that she suffered the consequences by (i) making her work to pay the
damages; and (ii) not allowing her to have privileges (freedom to do
certain things without parental supervision) when she had demonstrated
that you could not trust her to make good decisions. You have to
remind her that while it saddens you that she resents your actions,
your job as a parent is to teach her and to guide her, and sometimes
that means that she won't like what you do. After all, I'm sure that
SHE would have preferred that you say *kids will be kids, don't worry
about it,* paid the bill, and allowed her to continue going out with
these kids.

She's a teenager, and some days, it seems like its a teenager's *job*
to be resentful of her parents. I'm concerned with the element of
depression, though. Have you spoken to her teachers/school counselor?
Have you sought out counseling for her?

She may be between a rock and a hard place at school. The kids she was
hanging out with may be asking her to join them, or may be harassing
her for refusing to do so. Other kids may be wary to be friends with
her if she has a bad reputation. If that's the case, is there another
school that she could go to?

Good luck.


Well, today I think we were too hard, but were scared. I think after
some days we should have lighten up, it's true she sincerely regreted
what she did.

Yes, we sought couseling for her, she even took some medicines and got
better. But she refused family counseling
She doesn't have a bad reputation, actually most people, including
teacher, at her school like her. I think everybody but herself has
forgotten what happened. But she remains resentful of us and says
she'll never consider us as loving parents any more. He reasoning is:
(1) She agrees she messed up, regrets what she did, says she wasn't
fully aware of what she was doing when they vandalized property (this
is true, she was drunk) and can't understand what made her join those
guys. (2) She agrees she should take responsabilty for what she did,
but swears she only helped graffiti the wall but didn't help break the
sloper, which was the most expensive damage. I belive her.

About what we did, her reasoning is:

(1) We acted as though we were Law, not parents. That is, she thinks we
put all our love aside and turned into a cold and inflexible court. We
were worried about punishing her, not about helping her in very
difficult moment of her life. She says we should take into accoount she
was going through a difficult phase, was lost and apologized. She
thinks apologies would mean nothing for a court, but should mean much
for us, her parents.
(2) Since she sincerely regreted what she did and compromised to never
do that anymore, she thinks she should be forgiven, that is, we should
keep loving her and accept her word that this was just a bad and
unexpliainable phase in her life. She made clear she should take
responsabilty and pay for the damages, so she should work for it. But
there was no reason to humiliate her, no reason to deprive her from
what she liked. This hurt her extremely, made her belive we don't love
her uncondionally, we can't accept a daughter if she got sidetracked
and messed up.
(3) Now she's a girl we're proud of (actualy, this is true, except for
her resentment towards us. But we didnt help build such girl, on the
contrary, we almost destroyed her emotionally. So, to her we'll always
mean the hard part of life, will always mean a cold judge, and in 50
years she'll still see us this way.

Some of her points may make sense, but of course we've always lived
her uncondionally and never though she was a bad girl. Now, she says
that living with her grandma, her angel, miles away from us, studying
in a diffrenet school will be her redemption, her freedom from a "dark!
past. If we don't let her go, we'll be punshing her again and she was
punished enough. That is, living with us is a punishing for her. She
says she doesn't hate us, feels sorry for her young bro who doesnt want
her to go, but has the right to be happy, she doesn't have to pay
forever for some moments of insanity when she was 14.

Thats what is going on inside the mind of this troubled 15 yo girl. And
my mother in law just reinforces such ideas. She doesn't turn the girl
against us, she tells her we wanted her best and went overboard, but
she really loves the girl and wants her company (she's a widow). And
keeps telling us, in front of our daughter, that my hisband, her son,
also messed up when he was a teen and never got a harsh punishment.

Thank you for your help.

Ana


Barbara- Ocultar texto entre aspas -- Mostrar texto entre aspas -


  #5  
Old November 22nd 06, 02:08 AM posted to misc.kids
deja.blues
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 242
Default How to get my daughter back?


"droxy" wrote in message
ps.com...
Hi Anna,
I raised 3 kids on my own, so I can relate to what you are going
through. Teenagers have got to be the worst people in the world,


Well, people that think "teenagers are the worst people in the world", are
the worst people in the world, IMO. Bitter middle-aged people and angry
entitlement-minded senior citizens take that prize in my book, but hey.

but they do grow out of it.That usually happens when they turn 18 (become
adults in my country)


How does that work? Does a light switch get flipped or something?

and until then all parents can hope to do is

survive it. My kids also got in with a bad crowd and all three were
arrested at one time. Nothing too serious, just kids being mischievous


What , in hindsight, do you think might have prevented these events?


  #6  
Old November 22nd 06, 02:43 AM posted to misc.kids
hedgehog42
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 62
Default How to get my daughter back?


Anna wrote:

Anna -- I don't know whether or not you were too hard on your daughter.
But if you were, it was a matter of degrees, IMHO. She messed up.
She was drinking underage, and she vandalized property. You made sure
that she suffered the consequences by (i) making her work to pay the
damages; and (ii) not allowing her to have privileges (freedom to do
certain things without parental supervision) when she had demonstrated
that you could not trust her to make good decisions. You have to
remind her that while it saddens you that she resents your actions,
your job as a parent is to teach her and to guide her, and sometimes
that means that she won't like what you do. After all, I'm sure that
SHE would have preferred that you say *kids will be kids, don't worry
about it,* paid the bill, and allowed her to continue going out with
these kids.

She's a teenager, and some days, it seems like its a teenager's *job*
to be resentful of her parents. I'm concerned with the element of
depression, though. Have you spoken to her teachers/school counselor?
Have you sought out counseling for her?

She may be between a rock and a hard place at school. The kids she was
hanging out with may be asking her to join them, or may be harassing
her for refusing to do so. Other kids may be wary to be friends with
her if she has a bad reputation. If that's the case, is there another
school that she could go to?

Good luck.


Well, today I think we were too hard, but were scared. I think after
some days we should have lighten up, it's true she sincerely regreted
what she did.

Yes, we sought couseling for her, she even took some medicines and got
better. But she refused family counseling
She doesn't have a bad reputation, actually most people, including
teacher, at her school like her. I think everybody but herself has
forgotten what happened. But she remains resentful of us and says
she'll never consider us as loving parents any more.


I wouldn't put too much stock in this, any more than I would a 2 YO who
screams "I hate you--I'll hate you FOREVER!" when you tell him he can't
have a cookie before dinner. She's striking out because she's still
angry. She will indeed come back to consider you as loving parents if
she's the bright and otherwise reasonable girl you've described -- but
she can't do it yet, any more than the 2 YO can.

Try to look past that, and stop dwelling on the incident. Whatever you
can do to move her past it will help, too, as no matter what you do,
you can't change what she did or your reaction to it.

You've told us how proud you are of her, but you haven't told us what
you've done to show HER that in recent weeks. Can you do something to
celebrate an accomplishment? Doesn't have to be a full family vacation
-- it can be as quick as making fudge together, or teaching her to make
her favorite meal, or challenging her to a video game or Scrabble. You
could encourage her to invite friends over, or take tai chi classes
together. Anything to let her know you enjoy her company.
. She says we should take into accoount she
was going through a difficult phase, was lost and apologized. She
thinks apologies would mean nothing for a court, but should mean much
for us, her parents.


My 2 YOs always thought I should take into account that they promised
to eat all their dinner if they'd have a cookie before, too.

(2) Since she sincerely regreted what she did and compromised to never
do that anymore, she thinks she should be forgiven, that is, we should
keep loving her and accept her word that this was just a bad and
unexpliainable phase in her life. She made clear she should take
responsabilty and pay for the damages, so she should work for it. But
there was no reason to humiliate her, no reason to deprive her from
what she liked. This hurt her extremely, made her belive we don't love
her uncondionally, we can't accept a daughter if she got sidetracked
and messed up.


She may believe it now. But she won't forever.

(3) Now she's a girl we're proud of (actualy, this is true, except for
her resentment towards us. But we didnt help build such girl, on the
contrary, we almost destroyed her emotionally. So, to her we'll always
mean the hard part of life, will always mean a cold judge, and in 50
years she'll still see us this way.


Eh. She believes she will. In 50 years, she'll have seen what happens
to parents who played "best friend" to their kids, and she'll have
learned enough about life to realize that parents are only human, and
make mistakes.

Some of her points may make sense, but of course we've always lived
her uncondionally and never though she was a bad girl. Now, she says
that living with her grandma, her angel, miles away from us, studying
in a diffrenet school will be her redemption, her freedom from a "dark!
past. If we don't let her go, we'll be punshing her again and she was
punished enough.


She IS very smart. She's manipulating you.

That is, living with us is a punishing for her. She
says she doesn't hate us, feels sorry for her young bro who doesnt want
her to go, but has the right to be happy, she doesn't have to pay
forever for some moments of insanity when she was 14.


May I point out that 8 months isn't "forever" -- much as it feels that
way at her age? How, exactly, is she still paying? If you've moved past
by no longer focusing on the incident 8 months ago, then she's no
longer paying -- except, in her head. Which isn't your fault.

She knows she is smart, and you know she's smart. But she doesn't know,
much as she thinks she does, all about parenting.

Lori G.
Milwaukee, WI

  #7  
Old November 28th 06, 07:00 AM posted to misc.kids
andrea baker
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 14
Default How to get my daughter back?

Sounds like grandma is a narcissist who is exercising undue conTROLL in
your family. Since your daughter is no longer out sTROLLing around
late at night, why would she need to leave for a year?

If this isn't a troll, you sound like an empathy-less narcissistic f*ck
who has no idea how to relate to your kid. Bad mom! Go directly to a
counselor. Do not pass go. Do not buy Boardwalk. Do not collect
$200. Go directly to a counselor, take the MMPI, find out why you are
such a sh*tty parent that you cannot accept your child, and then
apologize, apologize, apologize to your kid for your abysmal parenting
mistakes.

Andrea Baker (parent to a 14YO and 2YO)

 




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