any mothers with adult daughters who do not speak to them

My daughter is 27 and has been married for 3 months now. Big, expensive
wedding, trouble on honeymoon night...distress call to mother. Asked for
help and got whole family involved, she is only child so don't envision a
crowd. Final outcome of tremendous drama is that she no longer speaks to me
or will read text messages, etc. Wants to be left alone by me. I am
controlling but have made a real effort to curtail my natural tendancies.
EVery time she needs help that involves money she is so very nice and
confides in me and treats me with great love and respect....but cross her or
say no to her and she can have a monster side that comes out. So she is
treating me like a dog she has to train and is withholding talking to me to
punish me, I guess. Her new husband told me a few nights ago when I called
(she would not talk to me) that she was not ready to talk to me yet. I am
both hurt and angry. I really feel like I should tell her when she finally
does call that I don't want to talk to her. Has anybody else out there had a
rocky relationship with an adult child who refuses to talk to or see you (out
of question in our case...she lives in Long Island and we live in Tennessee.
I am an intelligent person and teach high school English...read constantly
about what to do to handle situations that arise, but am mystified about this
one. I don't agree with their advice of welcoming her back with open and
thankful arms. (so she can walk all over me again). Would someone please
talk to me in a sensible way. I am a mother but I am not Mother Teresa.

--
Message posted via FamilyKB.com
http://www.familykb.com/Uwe/Forums.a...nting/200704/1

In article 71019c39892ed@uwe, maryfrances49 via FamilyKB.com says...

My daughter is 27 and has been married for 3 months now. Big, expensive
wedding, trouble on honeymoon night...distress call to mother. Asked for
help and got whole family involved, she is only child so don't envision a
crowd. Final outcome of tremendous drama is that she no longer speaks to me
or will read text messages, etc. Wants to be left alone by me.

A lot left out here, eh. So you two had a big falling out.

I am
controlling but have made a real effort to curtail my natural tendancies.
EVery time she needs help that involves money she is so very nice and
confides in me and treats me with great love and respect....but cross her or
say no to her and she can have a monster side that comes out. So she is
treating me like a dog she has to train and is withholding talking to me to
punish me, I guess. Her new husband told me a few nights ago when I called
(she would not talk to me) that she was not ready to talk to me yet.

There's your answer. She'll talk to you when she's ready.

I am
both hurt and angry. I really feel like I should tell her when she finally
does call that I don't want to talk to her.

??!?

So, do you want to talk with her or not? Or would you rather play games.

Has anybody else out there had a
rocky relationship with an adult child who refuses to talk to or see you (out
of question in our case...she lives in Long Island and we live in Tennessee.
I am an intelligent person and teach high school English...read constantly
about what to do to handle situations that arise, but am mystified about this
one. I don't agree with their advice of welcoming her back with open and
thankful arms. (so she can walk all over me again). Would someone please
talk to me in a sensible way. I am a mother but I am not Mother Teresa.


First of all, she can't "walk over you again" if she isn't talking to you.

Wait until she's ready to talk with you. Sounds like you're not all that keen
on it anyway.

And, in the future, if she sweet talks only because she needs money, don't give
her money. You don't have to. Ann Landers has a good line on this one "no one
takes advantage of a person without their permission".

Let her come to you when she's ready; you can't make her talk to you. Don't let
her take advantage of you if she tries it when she does; she can't make you give
her money. Simply recognizing boundaries straightens this one out.

Banty

On Fri, 20 Apr 2007 22:59:35 GMT, maryfrances49 via FamilyKB.com wrote:

does call that I don't want to talk to her. Has anybody else out there had a
rocky relationship with an adult child who refuses to talk to or see you (out
of question in our case...she lives in Long Island and we live in Tennessee.
I am an intelligent person and teach high school English...read constantly
about what to do to handle situations that arise, but am mystified about this
one. I don't agree with their advice of welcoming her back with open and
thankful arms. (so she can walk all over me again). Would someone please
talk to me in a sensible way. I am a mother but I am not Mother Teresa.

The only thing I can say is rarely is only one person to blame in such
situations. Soemtimes, people just have clashing personalities.

My mom used to try that hurt/angry thing on me all the time, and it
always made me furious. I would not have stopped talking to my mom,
nor would I have been asking for money, but I sympathize with your
daughter in this and I suspect my mom would too. Giving your daughter
a big wedding is not a reason for her to feel obligated, nor is it any
reason for you to interfere in her marriage (I am surprised that your
SIL is speaking to you).

Banty wrote:

In article 71019c39892ed@uwe, maryfrances49 via FamilyKB.com says...

My daughter is 27 and has been married for 3 months now. Big, expensive
wedding, trouble on honeymoon night...distress call to mother. Asked for
help and got whole family involved, she is only child so don't envision a
crowd. Final outcome of tremendous drama is that she no longer speaks to me
or will read text messages, etc. Wants to be left alone by me.


Right - so leave her alone. Don't try to live her life for her.

I've got a lot of correspondence from my grandmother to my mom, and
reading it, it is surprising that my mom was able to get married and
be in dependant at all. Every letter (and they wrote every day just
about) was "I didn't get a letter today" or else "I got your letter
and it wasn't very long"

A lot left out here, eh. So you two had a big falling out.

I am
controlling but have made a real effort to curtail my natural tendancies.

Not enough of one apparently. In life, you aren't graded on effort.

EVery time she needs help that involves money she is so very nice and
confides in me and treats me with great love and respect....but cross her or
say no to her and she can have a monster side that comes out. So she is
treating me like a dog she has to train and is withholding talking to me to
punish me, I guess. Her new husband told me a few nights ago when I called
(she would not talk to me) that she was not ready to talk to me yet.

There's your answer. She'll talk to you when she's ready.

I am
both hurt and angry. I really feel like I should tell her when she finally
does call that I don't want to talk to her.

??!?

Two wrongs don't make a right. If her behavior is childish, then
yours will be doubly so.

So, do you want to talk with her or not? Or would you rather play games.

Has anybody else out there had a
rocky relationship with an adult child who refuses to talk to or see you (out
of question in our case...she lives in Long Island and we live in Tennessee.
I am an intelligent person and teach high school English...read constantly
about what to do to handle situations that arise, but am mystified about this
one. I don't agree with their advice of welcoming her back with open and
thankful arms. (so she can walk all over me again). Would someone please
talk to me in a sensible way. I am a mother but I am not Mother Teresa.


First of all, she can't "walk over you again" if she isn't talking to you.

Wait until she's ready to talk with you. Sounds like you're not all that keen
on it anyway.

And, in the future, if she sweet talks only because she needs money, don't give
her money. You don't have to. Ann Landers has a good line on this one "no one
takes advantage of a person without their permission".

If you want to give her money when she asks, then do it but don't do
it with the expectation that she will instantly be endlessly grateful
for it or will pay you back. The opposite will likely occur.

Which is one reason for not giving family members money.

Let her come to you when she's ready; you can't make her talk to you. Don't let
her take advantage of you if she tries it when she does; she can't make you give
her money. Simply recognizing boundaries straightens this one out.

Banty

grandma Rosalie

Mom to 4
(dd#1 age 45, dd#2 age 45, dd#3 age 38, ds age 35)

grandmom to 10
(dgs age 26, dgd age 24, dgs would be 15 if still living,
dgs age 13, dgs age 12, dgs age 12, dgd age 10, dgs age 8,
dgd age 6, dgd age 5 and dgd b Dec 2005)

On Sat, 21 Apr 2007 12:10:10 GMT, Rosalie B. wrote:


If you want to give her money when she asks, then do it but don't do
it with the expectation that she will instantly be endlessly grateful
for it or will pay you back. The opposite will likely occur.

Which is one reason for not giving family members money.

Words of wisdom.