It's not fair

I am so tired of hearing those words from DD3, who is 8 years old. I keep
saying life isn't fair and to accept it, but it's not going over well.
Today's scenerio. I have a 13-year-old who had a 1/2 day at school. She and
a friend went to the zoo with some other friends. My two other girls did not
have a 1/2 day and hence didn't get to go to the zoo. DD3 is extremely upset
and crying that she never gets to do anything and DD1 gets to do everything,
and on and on. It's not true of course; however, dd3 does not get to do
everything dd1 does. I cannot reason with her. I'm not sure what to do to
make life more fair for her. I suspect that I could do everything in the
world for DD3 and if DD1 happen to get more of something, she still would
say this. Is this normal at this age? I don't remember the other girls being
this extreme in the world of fairness. Thoughts anyone?

--
Sue (mom to three girls)

In article ,
"Sue" wrote:

I am so tired of hearing those words from DD3, who is 8 years old. I keep
saying life isn't fair and to accept it, but it's not going over well.
Today's scenerio. I have a 13-year-old who had a 1/2 day at school. She and
a friend went to the zoo with some other friends. My two other girls did not
have a 1/2 day and hence didn't get to go to the zoo. DD3 is extremely upset
and crying that she never gets to do anything and DD1 gets to do everything,
and on and on. It's not true of course; however, dd3 does not get to do
everything dd1 does. I cannot reason with her. I'm not sure what to do to
make life more fair for her. I suspect that I could do everything in the
world for DD3 and if DD1 happen to get more of something, she still would
say this. Is this normal at this age? I don't remember the other girls being
this extreme in the world of fairness. Thoughts anyone?

Pretty normal.

And there isn't a whole lot you can do, other than refuse to get caught
up in her drama.

Acknowledge that the situation doesn't seem fair to her, but without
weighing in on either side (that is, don't tell her you agree that it's
unfair, but don't try to convince her it isn't, either -- just let her
know that you know SHE feels like it's unfair.) Then change the subject.

This feeling of hers isn't subject to rational thought, so there's no
point in trying to rationalize her out of it.

If she's spending a LOT of time harping on "unfair" stuff, you COULD
turn it into a game, with YOU complaining about how unfair everything
is. ("DH got a bigger piece of steak than me -- no fair!" "I didn't
get to go to the movies when you did -- no fair!") With one of my
daughters, she'd catch on and start laughing if I did things like that.
The other daughter (a MUCH more literal sort) would just get mad, so
that approach to pointing out when she was taking something over the
line didn't work.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

In article ,
"Sue" wrote:

I am so tired of hearing those words from DD3, who is 8 years old. I keep
saying life isn't fair and to accept it, but it's not going over well.
Today's scenerio. I have a 13-year-old who had a 1/2 day at school. She and
a friend went to the zoo with some other friends. My two other girls did not
have a 1/2 day and hence didn't get to go to the zoo. DD3 is extremely upset
and crying that she never gets to do anything and DD1 gets to do everything,
and on and on. It's not true of course; however, dd3 does not get to do
everything dd1 does. I cannot reason with her. I'm not sure what to do to
make life more fair for her. I suspect that I could do everything in the
world for DD3 and if DD1 happen to get more of something, she still would
say this. Is this normal at this age? I don't remember the other girls being
this extreme in the world of fairness. Thoughts anyone?

I'd add my SIL's approach (NOT one I used, but it seemed to work with
her daughter). When her daughter complained that something was unfair,
she'd say, "Yep, it sucks to be you."
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Sue wrote:
I am so tired of hearing those words from DD3, who is 8 years old. I keep
saying life isn't fair and to accept it, but it's not going over well.
Today's scenerio. I have a 13-year-old who had a 1/2 day at school. She and
a friend went to the zoo with some other friends. My two other girls did not
have a 1/2 day and hence didn't get to go to the zoo. DD3 is extremely upset
and crying that she never gets to do anything and DD1 gets to do everything,
and on and on. It's not true of course; however, dd3 does not get to do
everything dd1 does. I cannot reason with her. I'm not sure what to do to
make life more fair for her. I suspect that I could do everything in the
world for DD3 and if DD1 happen to get more of something, she still would
say this. Is this normal at this age? I don't remember the other girls being
this extreme in the world of fairness. Thoughts anyone?


No advice. I just wanted you to know that DD (almost 8) complains
because her younger brother (2) doesn't have to do chores or homework;
we play with him, but we make her do homework etc. etc. Basically
complaining it's not fair...

I don't know if the age or the basic personality. DD was okay until she
got homework and began violin lessons.

Jeanne

In article ,
Jeanne wrote:

Sue wrote:
I am so tired of hearing those words from DD3, who is 8 years old. I keep
saying life isn't fair and to accept it, but it's not going over well.
Today's scenerio. I have a 13-year-old who had a 1/2 day at school. She and
a friend went to the zoo with some other friends. My two other girls did not
have a 1/2 day and hence didn't get to go to the zoo. DD3 is extremely upset
and crying that she never gets to do anything and DD1 gets to do everything,
and on and on. It's not true of course; however, dd3 does not get to do
everything dd1 does. I cannot reason with her. I'm not sure what to do to
make life more fair for her. I suspect that I could do everything in the
world for DD3 and if DD1 happen to get more of something, she still would
say this. Is this normal at this age? I don't remember the other girls being
this extreme in the world of fairness. Thoughts anyone?


No advice. I just wanted you to know that DD (almost 8) complains
because her younger brother (2) doesn't have to do chores or homework;
we play with him, but we make her do homework etc. etc. Basically
complaining it's not fair...

I don't know if the age or the basic personality. DD was okay until she
got homework and began violin lessons.

Jeanne

For a GREAT story, check out "Too Many Ralphs" from Free To Be A Family.

In this story, the parents decide, right from the beginning, to treat
each of their children EXACTLY the same -- you know, just to be fair.
When their first baby is born, it's no problem, and they name him Ralph.
When the second baby is born a year later, just to be fair, they name
HER Ralph, too -- and whatever happens to one, happens to both. They
both get their diapers changed whether they need it or not. They both
get a bandaid if one skins a knee. And things are a little weird, but
OK -- until 10 years later when a THIRD Ralph is born. They try to make
the baby do the same housework and homework that is required of the
older two Ralphs, but THAT doesn't work. So -- just to be fair, after
all -- they put the older two Ralphs back in baby cloths and cribs. But
that doesn't seem to work too well, either.

Finally, they decide that "fair" doesn't always mean "exactly the same".

The pictures alone are worth reading the story!
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

What works for my daughters is "Yep, life is not fair." Incidently, both
the younger one and the older one have bouts of "It's not fair."

My 3 year old daughter is already going through this with her 20 month
old brother. All I say is "You're two different people, with two
different lives. Get over it." Maybe if it's nipped in the bud it won't
be used as an argument for anything.

stasya

In article .com,
"stasya" wrote:

My 3 year old daughter is already going through this with her 20 month
old brother. All I say is "You're two different people, with two
different lives. Get over it." Maybe if it's nipped in the bud it won't
be used as an argument for anything.

stasya


If my siblings and I (and my own kids) are any indication, they'll
continue to offer it as an argument. However, eventually they get over
thinking it will actually WORK with you.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Sue wrote:
I am so tired of hearing those words from DD3, who is 8 years old. I keep
saying life isn't fair and to accept it, but it's not going over well.
Today's scenerio. I have a 13-year-old who had a 1/2 day at school. She and
a friend went to the zoo with some other friends. My two other girls did not
have a 1/2 day and hence didn't get to go to the zoo. DD3 is extremely upset
and crying that she never gets to do anything and DD1 gets to do everything,
and on and on. It's not true of course; however, dd3 does not get to do
everything dd1 does. I cannot reason with her. I'm not sure what to do to
make life more fair for her. I suspect that I could do everything in the
world for DD3 and if DD1 happen to get more of something, she still would
say this. Is this normal at this age? I don't remember the other girls being
this extreme in the world of fairness. Thoughts anyone?

--
Sue (mom to three girls)

Right on time. We ended up giving each person in the house a motto, and
the 8 y-o's was "It's not fair!"

Fortunately the child had a sense of humor.

DB

"dragonlady" wrote in message
...
In article ,
"Sue" wrote:
I am so tired of hearing those words from DD3, who is 8 years old. I keep
saying life isn't fair and to accept it, but it's not going over well.
Today's scenerio. I have a 13-year-old who had a 1/2 day at school. She
and
a friend went to the zoo with some other friends. My two other girls did
not
have a 1/2 day and hence didn't get to go to the zoo. DD3 is extremely
upset
and crying that she never gets to do anything and DD1 gets to do
everything,
and on and on. It's not true of course; however, dd3 does not get to do
everything dd1 does. I cannot reason with her. I'm not sure what to do to
make life more fair for her. I suspect that I could do everything in the
world for DD3 and if DD1 happen to get more of something, she still would
say this. Is this normal at this age? I don't remember the other girls
being
this extreme in the world of fairness. Thoughts anyone?

I'd add my SIL's approach (NOT one I used, but it seemed to work with
her daughter). When her daughter complained that something was unfair,
she'd say, "Yep, it sucks to be you."

I have occasionally used the old finger gesture of the index finger sawing
across the thumb and saying "This is the world's smallest fiddle playing the
world's saddest song". Not so much with my sister as with whiny adults
(which does happen on occasion). Probably wouldn't work, though.

FWIW, Sue, my 6yo daughter is FOREVER complaining that things aren't fair.
She and your DD3 seem to share quite a few other personality traits, so
perhaps it just comes with the personality. Doesn't make it any easier, I
know, but maybe it helps a little to know you're not alone.
--
Be well, Barbara