OT sort of - resuming relations after baby

What you said goes along with what comes to my mind. Sexual arousal is
also something that happens in the mind, not just the body, especially
in women. A big part of it is you are not being sexually stimulated
mentally. If you thought about sex half the day instead of the kids,
you'd want sex when your husband comes home. When you think about the
kids all day, sex may not even cross your mind, so you never get
aroused or have the desire. If you know how to get yourself "turned
on" then you will have no problem wanting sex even when breastfeeding.
Most people don't know how to get themselves sexually aroused and rely
on their partner to do it, which may not always work.

Also, when a person (man or woman) is exhausted mentally and/or
physically, they become less interested in sex... or if they are
interested in sex, they're body simply won't respond. After birth, a
woman can wind up being overwhelmed by all the responsibilities and
chores, and simply be too tired to have sex. Plus add tha fact that
breastfeeding and lactating uses energy as well, a woman can burn a lot
of energy. Its similar to how some men who work long hours complain
that their wife wants too much sex. She's well rested from not working
as hard, and he is tired. The stereotypes say that isn't possible, but
I have talked to more than one man who had the problem of their wife
having more of a sex drive than the man, and its usually linked to the
energy level of each person. The person who wants sex more is more
rested than the one who wants sex less.

Also, stress reduces the desire for sex as well, in addition to
reducing the likelihood of getting pregnant. It the body's survival
mechanism for prevening pregnancy while it may be dangerous to do so.
And stress tells the body its unsafe to get pregnant.

My bet is the women who have a low sex drive are probably exhaused
physically and mentally and don't have time to think or fanticize about
sex. Or they are stressed out. If you can figure out a way to get
yourself well rested, perhaps by the husband helping out or hiring a
maid to come in once a week, you may have more interest in sex.


On Nov 16, 11:37 am, Workingmom wrote:
emilymr skrev:

Obviously I don't think people should pressure/guilt their
breastfeeding/exhausted partners into having sex. And obviously there
are ways partners can take some of the burden off mothers so we're not
so exhausted. But I think relationships are a two-way street, and those
of us who don't necessarily want to jump in the sack all the time need
to make more of an effort.

(dang, DH would be calling me miss-preachy-no-action if he read this
post...)

Em
mama to Micah, 11/14/04In Denmark is was once said that the best way for a man of obtaining sex
in a marriage is to grab a vacuum cleaner and do the dishes (not WITH
the VC, though)

It's not like something for something, but if you've sat on the sofa
knitting for an hour while your hubby does some of the necessary work
you'd have more energy at bedtime to think about other things than sleep.

Tine, Denmark

deja.blues wrote:


I'm bemused that in a breastfeeding newsgroup, noone seems to be aware that
the very hormones that sustains breastfeeding also puts a huge damper on
female sexual response. Breastfeeding lowers levels of estradiol (the
hormone responsible for keeping the urogenital tract lubricated and supple)
and raises the prolactin hormone, which suppresses sexual desire and lowers
testosterone - the hormone in both genders that stokes desire. If you are
breastfeeding for a year or more, not having sex can become a way of life.
Not to mention that after having a baby hanging off of you all day (and
night) the last thing you want is a full-grown man doing the same thing.

I don't think it's that simple -- even if it were down to hormones,
women vary a lot in their hormonal response to lactation, and I suspect
hormonal state varies a lot at different points in the breastfeeding
relationship anyway. Me, I apparently had low estradiol during
pregnancy and not during lactation.

The only hormonal state I can think of (besides stuff like actual
labor) that definitely overrode any possiblity of sexual desire was
morning sickness. Any other time, whether pregnant or breastfeeding, it
was far more a question of how well rested I was, whether I was feeling
particularly harried, etc.

--Helen

"Sue" wrote in message
news:fcOdnSzgNcmj58HYnZ2dnUVZ_tednZ2d@wideopenwest .com...
"Irrational Number" wrote in message
Thank you, determined! I did put a smiley there...

I knew you were kidding. I saw the smiley face. However, the fact remains
that many women once they become mothers is to forget about their husbands
and their relationship. Many mothers put so much time and energy into the
kids that they forget that they are separate from their kids and lose
sight
of themselves. I think the best gift parents can give to their children,
is
a healthy loving relationship and showing them that their marriage is
important to them. Face it, motherhood can suck the life out of us women
and
it's better to create a balance than to forget about your life.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

My husband and I have a great relationship. Sex is just on the back burner
right now, but we make the effort to have quiet and close moments of
cuddling and holding hands. For both of us, that is enough at the moment.
He is as tired as I am, and doesn't really miss sex as much as our ALONE
time! I'm not saying that I don't believe it's important, but I also don't
think it's always essential. My husband and I do have a healthy and loving
relationship, just no sex right now. ANd I think we're still showing our
kids the way it should be.

Workingmom wrote:

In Denmark is was once said that the best way for a man of obtaining sex
in a marriage is to grab a vacuum cleaner and do the dishes (not WITH
the VC, though)

I totally agree with this. (Plus get lunch
ready for the kids the next day.)

-- Anita --

In article ,
"Sue" wrote:

However, the fact remains
that many women once they become mothers is to forget about their husbands
and their relationship. Many mothers put so much time and energy into the
kids that they forget that they are separate from their kids and lose sight
of themselves.

You know, I *hear* that people do this. I just haven't met anyone who
*behaves* like this.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue

" wrote in message
ups.com...
The only hormonal state I can think of (besides stuff like actual
labor) that definitely overrode any possiblity of sexual desire was
morning sickness. Any other time, whether pregnant or breastfeeding, it
was far more a question of how well rested I was, whether I was feeling
particularly harried, etc.

When my thyroid's balanced, I'm just this side of a raving nympho.

Jess

"Workingmom" wrote in message
In Denmark is was once said that the best way for a man of obtaining sex
in a marriage is to grab a vacuum cleaner and do the dishes (not WITH
the VC, though)

Hear hear, I agree with you. ) I keep telling hubby that the way to my
heart is to clean up the house or run the kids around where they need to go.
I can't complain though, he does all the cooking.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"determined" wrote in message
My husband and I have a great relationship. Sex is just on the back
burner right now, but we make the effort to have quiet and close moments
of
cuddling and holding hands. For both of us, that is enough at the moment.
He is as tired as I am, and doesn't really miss sex as much as our ALONE
time! I'm not saying that I don't believe it's important, but I also
don't
think it's always essential. My husband and I do have a healthy and
loving
relationship, just no sex right now. ANd I think we're still showing our
kids the way it should be.

Yep, that's how it starts. Then, once sex has been on the back burner for a
while, it's easy to keep putting it on the back burner and then before you
know it, it's harder to keep that part of the relationship going. It has
been too easy to put it off. I speak from experience. My husband and I have
a great relationship also, but let's face it, I'm tired too. I have three
kids, work full time, have a house, and all the running around to do with
the kids. If the choice was sleep or sex, well I am going to pick sleep. Now
that sex has been on the back burner for a long time, there is an underlying
tension that is hard to get past. I'm not saying that everyone is like this,
it's just I know how hard parenting is, especially with babies. It's a
balance and I understand that it is sometimes hard to do.

--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"Chookie" wrote in message
You know, I *hear* that people do this. I just haven't met anyone who
*behaves* like this.

Really? Lots of women on the newsgroups (especially this one) I participate
in are like that. Heaven forbid should they let their babies out of their
sight to do something for themselves. There are quite a few women who I know
that once had their children, have let their marriages go down hill. Many
have ended up in divorce. Read alt.support.marriage to hear how
relationships have been torn apart because the mom's attention is on the
kids. It's very common and you are kidding yourself if you think it is not
true.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"emilymr" wrote in message
I agree with Sue... It's not like I have a fantastic sex drive (ha). I
didn't even have a fantastic sex drive *before* I had Micah. But I do
believe that not only is having sex is an important part of your
relationship with your partner, but that it's not healthy for the
relationship *not* to have sex. And sometimes that means doing it even
if it's not the top of your priority list.

You and I sound a lot alike. I never had a very high libido as it was
either, but parenting and/or life itself has certainly lowered it. I do
sometimes have to make myself and when I do, I am glad. We always say to not
let this aspect go too long like we have in the past, but really there is
always too much to deter me.

But I think relationships are a two-way street, and those
of us who don't necessarily want to jump in the sack all the time need
to make more of an effort.

Yes, I agree. And for me it is an effort. But definitely worth it. It does
make us closer.

(dang, DH would be calling me miss-preachy-no-action if he read this
post...)

LOL. Yep my hubby wouldn't believe that it was me saying these things. He
would think an alien has taken over. ;o)
--
Sue (mom to three girls)