Postpartum depression

I stopped Paxil as soon as I was able after having the baby, during the
second week of breastfeeding and have had more energy and been feeling GREAT
and calm etc. I wasn't on it for depression, was on it for panic attacks.
Had been on it in the past for anxiety/stress but never actual depression.
From the way I felt on it, I don't think it would be the best choice for me
to deal with depression anyway if I DID need medication for depression.

Anyway I HAD been feeling so great but am starting to have symptoms that I
notice and that bother me. I am not sure if this could be postpartum
depression starting up or what. Things are not going well between me and my
husband and the constant feelings of being dissatisfied, unfulfilled, tense
and stressed, unhappy etc are starting to get to me. Also, it is not all my
husband's fault-there are times, sure, that he should be doing a lot better,
but there are also times when he IS trying, and it just doesn;t satisfy
me....I feel letdown, like things aren't good enough, he doesn't please me
etc.

Without going into details, there is more to it than this, but: my husband
HAS let me down by not being here for me like I want him to. I'm doing ok
with the baby, but having a hard time with myself- I have been very vocal
and let him know all of this, but he is not being affectionate with me and
it leads to a neverending cycle of bickering out loud, or getting along and
me being unhappy on the inside....I cry several times a day, it just floods
out. I'm distressed over family things, stress over money etc, and with my
husband (and also dealing with feelings of guilt-- I feel guilty and
horrible THAT I feel he's doing a really crappy job of being there for me.
but he is insensitive and callous sometimes etc). But I also cause some of
this or make it worse, by being bitchy or by telling him not-so-gently that
he didn't do something right. Or that he is not meeting my needs. I
contribute to this. Although the root of the problem is that he is making me
feel isolated, by not putting forth just a little effort....he doesn't hug
me anymore, ever, unless I inititate it, and I NEED hugs and cuddles and
affection. I get so tired of feeling like I have to beg. Also, he's on me
about money. And, it includes things like getting on me for wanting my hair
done etc. I have not been taking care of myself and was sick all through
pregnancy and I year to get back to my old self......to pamper myself a bit.
I hadn't had a haircut in a year! I long to get my hair done monthly and get
some new clothes and take care of myself, and fix up before going out
instead of just going out without makeup and looking so tired and drawn all
the time. I want to come back to life! Pregnancy was hard....but I don't
want to let myself go, I want to be back like I was, cute, bubbly,
happy....active and busy etc instead of being cooped up inside with the
baby, being a frump.

My husband seems to want me to stay frumpy, to stay around the house, and
not take time to make myself better etc. This is a sore spot....

But.......I worry about me now because it's taking a toll on me, outr
problems, and while I am still having a FANTASTIC time with Rachel and she
is so dear, sweet and perfect and I love every minute of her, and she does
make me feel so happy and special.....I've had it up to here with my husband
and our problems. I worry because it IS affecting me...I cry a lot, and am
eternally unsatisfied.....I harbor resentment toward him and it does make it
where when he puts forth a little effort, I am not pleased, because I can
only see what I resent.

I am not as worried about my husband and what he is doing or not doing, as I
am about the fact that *I* feel out of control, hopeless, sad, and burst
into tears all of the time.

Could this be PPD or is this just normal emotions stemming from my problems
with my husband which were here before pregnancy even?

{{Jill}} I am no expert, but I would talk to your physician and perhaps get
a referral for counseling. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate
right now.

--
M~Elizabeth

To thine own self be true
"Jill" wrote in message
. com...
I stopped Paxil as soon as I was able after having the baby, during the
second week of breastfeeding and have had more energy and been feeling
GREAT
and calm etc. I wasn't on it for depression, was on it for panic attacks.
Had been on it in the past for anxiety/stress but never actual depression.
From the way I felt on it, I don't think it would be the best choice for
me
to deal with depression anyway if I DID need medication for depression.

Anyway I HAD been feeling so great but am starting to have symptoms that I
notice and that bother me. I am not sure if this could be postpartum
depression starting up or what. Things are not going well between me and
my
husband and the constant feelings of being dissatisfied, unfulfilled,
tense
and stressed, unhappy etc are starting to get to me. Also, it is not all
my
husband's fault-there are times, sure, that he should be doing a lot
better,
but there are also times when he IS trying, and it just doesn;t satisfy
me....I feel letdown, like things aren't good enough, he doesn't please me
etc.

Without going into details, there is more to it than this, but: my husband
HAS let me down by not being here for me like I want him to. I'm doing ok
with the baby, but having a hard time with myself- I have been very vocal
and let him know all of this, but he is not being affectionate with me and
it leads to a neverending cycle of bickering out loud, or getting along
and
me being unhappy on the inside....I cry several times a day, it just
floods
out. I'm distressed over family things, stress over money etc, and with my
husband (and also dealing with feelings of guilt-- I feel guilty and
horrible THAT I feel he's doing a really crappy job of being there for me.
but he is insensitive and callous sometimes etc). But I also cause some of
this or make it worse, by being bitchy or by telling him not-so-gently
that
he didn't do something right. Or that he is not meeting my needs. I
contribute to this. Although the root of the problem is that he is making
me
feel isolated, by not putting forth just a little effort....he doesn't hug
me anymore, ever, unless I inititate it, and I NEED hugs and cuddles and
affection. I get so tired of feeling like I have to beg. Also, he's on me
about money. And, it includes things like getting on me for wanting my
hair
done etc. I have not been taking care of myself and was sick all through
pregnancy and I year to get back to my old self......to pamper myself a
bit.
I hadn't had a haircut in a year! I long to get my hair done monthly and
get
some new clothes and take care of myself, and fix up before going out
instead of just going out without makeup and looking so tired and drawn
all
the time. I want to come back to life! Pregnancy was hard....but I don't
want to let myself go, I want to be back like I was, cute, bubbly,
happy....active and busy etc instead of being cooped up inside with the
baby, being a frump.

My husband seems to want me to stay frumpy, to stay around the house, and
not take time to make myself better etc. This is a sore spot....

But.......I worry about me now because it's taking a toll on me, outr
problems, and while I am still having a FANTASTIC time with Rachel and she
is so dear, sweet and perfect and I love every minute of her, and she does
make me feel so happy and special.....I've had it up to here with my
husband
and our problems. I worry because it IS affecting me...I cry a lot, and am
eternally unsatisfied.....I harbor resentment toward him and it does make
it
where when he puts forth a little effort, I am not pleased, because I can
only see what I resent.

I am not as worried about my husband and what he is doing or not doing, as
I
am about the fact that *I* feel out of control, hopeless, sad, and burst
into tears all of the time.

Could this be PPD or is this just normal emotions stemming from my
problems
with my husband which were here before pregnancy even?

"Jill" wrote in message
. com...

Could this be PPD or is this just normal emotions stemming from my
problems
with my husband which were here before pregnancy even?

Maybe some of it is probably post partum blues (not necessarily depression)
but I think with your history of anxiety problems you should keep an eye on
it.

IIRC, there were some pretty serious issues going on with you and dh before
Rachel was born. Having a baby can tend to make those pre-existing problems
worse for a while. If you aren't already, I'd really look into some
counseling as a couple.
--
JennP.

mom to Matthew 10/11/00
EDD #2 10/24/04
remove "no........spam" to reply

"melizabeth" wrote in message
...
{{Jill}} I am no expert, but I would talk to your physician and perhaps
get
a referral for counseling. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate
right now.


I'm really afraid counseling doesn't work (and costs money, which is part of
our arguing--budget)......the problems would be manageable but what is
bothering me isn't any particular problem, but how *I* feel and how I can't
control how I feel etc. I really resent my husband right now. I resent how
he is, how he doesn't try to fulfill my needs- I am NOT that needy, ALL I
need is a *little* affection...all the other stuff he does, being the
breadwinner, cooking and doing the housework and fixing things....I am
ungrateful of that, when what I need is affection, something as simple as a
kiss before he goes to work or when he comes home, or a hug without my
asking for it. I hug him and he doesn't hug me back sometimes, until I say
something to him and then, I don't want it! If I have to tell him/ask
him......forget it, jeez. It's the same when he asks me what is wrong with
me. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you! You should know. He is not
a mindreader...but he KNOWS I used to repeatedly tell him to make me happy
with him he needs to be more affectionate. He wasn't like this at one time
but as the years go by he is turning into someone just like his father. I
didn't and wouldn't marry that man/personality!

I just cry all the time when I am not busy with the baby. The baby really
lights up my life, even at this needy stage of hers, nursing all the time,
demanding diaper changes, lol. But, that's not good---it shouldn't be that
the baby is all that's ok with me, is all that's making me happy. To me that
is a warning sign and I don't know if it is PPD.....if it just a temporary
road...or if I will end up getting fed up and trying to dig my way out of
this hole by separation....it feels more and more to me, like I should
SERIOUSLY think about what I can do, to take care of myself.

Is this PPD, someone please tell me this is something normal.......because
to be honest I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person, although
we have a beautiful beautiful baby who was NOT a mistake at all. If I did
one thing right, it's this precious baby. But if my husband can't give a
little and if he can't be affectionate with me emotionally something is
wrong and it makes me really think I can;t live with it. Meaning, it makes
me think I may have to get out. This is so bad to say when I have a new
baby, who deserves a family who is together.

?? This has been brewing a while, but for the past week I have really gotten
fed up, it's not as sudden as it seems. I am becoming fed up!

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I don't think this is normal
PPD, I think this is your DH not being there for you. Like Jenn said,
babies tend to make existing marital problems worse and things are
especially hard in the first year, IMO. It's easy to blame yourself, but if
your DH can't be there emotionally for you, the other stuff he's doing
doesn't matter. I know exactly what you are feeling and I feel for you.
Your DD deserves an intact family and if you can get couples counselling,
sometimes it can really help. Does your DH's employer have some kind of
Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? I discovered that if we use our health
insurance for counselling it costs $200, but going through the EAP it's
free, in our case for 10 visits, so this might be worth looking into. Since
Rachel is so young, you could probably bring her along - in our case we have
to leave DD with someone (she's 2). I don't know if it will be helpful in
your case, but it's worth a try if it might help. Sometimes having an
unbiased 3rd person's opinion helps you see things a little more clearly.
But FWIW, I don't think it's you
"Jill" wrote in message
. com...

"melizabeth" wrote in message
...
{{Jill}} I am no expert, but I would talk to your physician and perhaps
get
a referral for counseling. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate
right now.


I'm really afraid counseling doesn't work (and costs money, which is part
of
our arguing--budget)......the problems would be manageable but what is
bothering me isn't any particular problem, but how *I* feel and how I
can't
control how I feel etc. I really resent my husband right now. I resent how
he is, how he doesn't try to fulfill my needs- I am NOT that needy, ALL I
need is a *little* affection...all the other stuff he does, being the
breadwinner, cooking and doing the housework and fixing things....I am
ungrateful of that, when what I need is affection, something as simple as
a
kiss before he goes to work or when he comes home, or a hug without my
asking for it. I hug him and he doesn't hug me back sometimes, until I say
something to him and then, I don't want it! If I have to tell him/ask
him......forget it, jeez. It's the same when he asks me what is wrong with
me. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you! You should know. He is
not
a mindreader...but he KNOWS I used to repeatedly tell him to make me happy
with him he needs to be more affectionate. He wasn't like this at one time
but as the years go by he is turning into someone just like his father. I
didn't and wouldn't marry that man/personality!

I just cry all the time when I am not busy with the baby. The baby really
lights up my life, even at this needy stage of hers, nursing all the time,
demanding diaper changes, lol. But, that's not good---it shouldn't be that
the baby is all that's ok with me, is all that's making me happy. To me
that
is a warning sign and I don't know if it is PPD.....if it just a temporary
road...or if I will end up getting fed up and trying to dig my way out of
this hole by separation....it feels more and more to me, like I should
SERIOUSLY think about what I can do, to take care of myself.

Is this PPD, someone please tell me this is something normal.......because
to be honest I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person,
although
we have a beautiful beautiful baby who was NOT a mistake at all. If I did
one thing right, it's this precious baby. But if my husband can't give a
little and if he can't be affectionate with me emotionally something is
wrong and it makes me really think I can;t live with it. Meaning, it makes
me think I may have to get out. This is so bad to say when I have a new
baby, who deserves a family who is together.

?? This has been brewing a while, but for the past week I have really
gotten
fed up, it's not as sudden as it seems. I am becoming fed up!

(((((Jill))))),
I am sorry to read that you are going through the baby blues. I definitely
agree with the other ladies and I would talk to your physician about it.
I never stopped the Paxils and I had the baby blues for a while (because of
my history I checked with my psychiatrist). Then, all of a sudden I started
being suicidal (when Alexandra was 7 weeks). I am so glad that my therapist
and DH were keeping an eye on me, because I don't usually talk when I am
suicidal. I am doing better now, but it is nice for me to know that my
psychiatrist keeps an eye on me.
This is probably the most wonderful time of your life, but also the most
stressful and tiring time. And everybody in times like this needs special
care. Here in CT they send to us a monthly newsletter with the progress of
your baby (what to expect that month) but there is also a very nice section
on being a new dad and how to be nice to your wife who has gone and keeps
going through so much. I am sure that your physician will tell you if there
are similar things where you live or he/she might talk to your DH about it.

Pampering vibes to you.

Love
--
Nicky

Proud mamma to Alexandra (03/22/2004)

I do not know if you go to church or not but our pastor is a WONDERFUL help
to us when we need someone to "interprit" each other. One thing that Jeff
was told by his father was always kiss your wife before you leave for work
because studies have shown that men that kiss their wives before they leave
the house have fewer accidents then men that dont

Tori

--
Bonnie 3/20/02
Anna or Xavier due 10/17/04
"Jill" wrote in message
. com...

"melizabeth" wrote in message
...
{{Jill}} I am no expert, but I would talk to your physician and perhaps
get
a referral for counseling. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate
right now.


I'm really afraid counseling doesn't work (and costs money, which is part
of
our arguing--budget)......the problems would be manageable but what is
bothering me isn't any particular problem, but how *I* feel and how I
can't
control how I feel etc. I really resent my husband right now. I resent how
he is, how he doesn't try to fulfill my needs- I am NOT that needy, ALL I
need is a *little* affection...all the other stuff he does, being the
breadwinner, cooking and doing the housework and fixing things....I am
ungrateful of that, when what I need is affection, something as simple as
a
kiss before he goes to work or when he comes home, or a hug without my
asking for it. I hug him and he doesn't hug me back sometimes, until I say
something to him and then, I don't want it! If I have to tell him/ask
him......forget it, jeez. It's the same when he asks me what is wrong with
me. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you! You should know. He is
not
a mindreader...but he KNOWS I used to repeatedly tell him to make me happy
with him he needs to be more affectionate. He wasn't like this at one time
but as the years go by he is turning into someone just like his father. I
didn't and wouldn't marry that man/personality!

I just cry all the time when I am not busy with the baby. The baby really
lights up my life, even at this needy stage of hers, nursing all the time,
demanding diaper changes, lol. But, that's not good---it shouldn't be that
the baby is all that's ok with me, is all that's making me happy. To me
that
is a warning sign and I don't know if it is PPD.....if it just a temporary
road...or if I will end up getting fed up and trying to dig my way out of
this hole by separation....it feels more and more to me, like I should
SERIOUSLY think about what I can do, to take care of myself.

Is this PPD, someone please tell me this is something normal.......because
to be honest I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person,
although
we have a beautiful beautiful baby who was NOT a mistake at all. If I did
one thing right, it's this precious baby. But if my husband can't give a
little and if he can't be affectionate with me emotionally something is
wrong and it makes me really think I can;t live with it. Meaning, it makes
me think I may have to get out. This is so bad to say when I have a new
baby, who deserves a family who is together.

?? This has been brewing a while, but for the past week I have really
gotten
fed up, it's not as sudden as it seems. I am becoming fed up!

Jill said:


I stopped Paxil as soon as I was able after having the baby, during the
second week of breastfeeding and have had more energy and been feeling GREAT
and calm etc. I wasn't on it for depression, was on it for panic attacks.
Had been on it in the past for anxiety/stress but never actual depression.
From the way I felt on it, I don't think it would be the best choice for me
to deal with depression anyway if I DID need medication for depression.

The very first thing I would do would be to see a doctor and either get back on
the Paxil or try something else for depression. PPD is so common and I think
it's way worth it to see how much of your feelings are due to that before you
do anything drastic!


Anyway I HAD been feeling so great but am starting to have symptoms that I
notice and that bother me. I am not sure if this could be postpartum
depression starting up or what. Things are not going well between me and my
husband and the constant feelings of being dissatisfied, unfulfilled, tense
and stressed, unhappy etc are starting to get to me. Also, it is not all my
husband's fault-there are times, sure, that he should be doing a lot better,
but there are also times when he IS trying, and it just doesn;t satisfy
me....I feel letdown, like things aren't good enough, he doesn't please me
etc.

It sounds like you are depending on your husband to meet all your emotional
needs (other than those the baby meets!). I'm not saying that he shouldn't be
meeting your needs, but maybe you would feel better if you get out of the house
more, see some friends, go to a moms' group, etc. It can be very depressing to
be sitting at home with a baby all day while your husband is at least out in
the world doing things and then have him not come home and pay attention to
you. It is like he is your whole world and you are so counting on him to come
home and provide you with adult interaction and that can put a lot of pressure
on him too.


Without going into details, there is more to it than this, but: my husband
HAS let me down by not being here for me like I want him to. I'm doing ok
with the baby, but having a hard time with myself- I have been very vocal
and let him know all of this, but he is not being affectionate with me and
it leads to a neverending cycle of bickering out loud, or getting along and
me being unhappy on the inside....I cry several times a day, it just floods
out. I'm distressed over family things, stress over money etc, and with my
husband (and also dealing with feelings of guilt-- I feel guilty and
horrible THAT I feel he's doing a really crappy job of being there for me.
but he is insensitive and callous sometimes etc). But I also cause some of
this or make it worse, by being bitchy or by telling him not-so-gently that
he didn't do something right. Or that he is not meeting my needs. I
contribute to this. Although the root of the problem is that he is making me
feel isolated, by not putting forth just a little effort....he doesn't hug
me anymore, ever, unless I inititate it, and I NEED hugs and cuddles and
affection. I get so tired of feeling like I have to beg. Also, he's on me
about money. And, it includes things like getting on me for wanting my hair
done etc.

All of these are issues that counseling can help with. Anybody with a child
who is thinking seriously of separating owes it to that child to seek
counseling before taking a step like that. If money is an issue, you can see
your clergyman (if you attend church) for free, or if there is a university in
your area you can go to the clinic where they train psychologists; that will
have a sliding fee scale. Even some private therapists will see patients on
reduced terms. I cannot urge you enough to try this! And I think you should
also consider seeing a therapist yourself to give you a real person to talk to
about all these issues.

I have not been taking care of myself and was sick all through
pregnancy and I year to get back to my old self......to pamper myself a bit.
I hadn't had a haircut in a year! I long to get my hair done monthly and get
some new clothes and take care of myself, and fix up before going out
instead of just going out without makeup and looking so tired and drawn all
the time. I want to come back to life! Pregnancy was hard....but I don't
want to let myself go, I want to be back like I was, cute, bubbly,
happy....active and busy etc instead of being cooped up inside with the
baby, being a frump.

Well, of course, part of the whole adjustment to mommyhood and a big cause of
baby blues, for me anywat, is that you are NEVER EVER going to be back exactly
like you were. You ar a mother now, a new little person is depending on you
and you will always have that tie, and your relationship with your husband is
irrevocably changed as well. There's a grieving process you may go through for
the loss of that person, that relationship, that life, no matter how happy you
are with your baby. I go through it a little bit with every new baby, because
every baby means that my life and my family's life changes from what we were
used to.

That said, it doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself and make yourself
feel pretty, and of course you should be doing those things, and you need to
make your husband understand how much better it will make you feel if you do.

My husband seems to want me to stay frumpy, to stay around the house, and
not take time to make myself better etc. This is a sore spot....

But.......I worry about me now because it's taking a toll on me, outr
problems, and while I am still having a FANTASTIC time with Rachel and she
is so dear, sweet and perfect and I love every minute of her, and she does
make me feel so happy and special.....I've had it up to here with my husband
and our problems. I worry because it IS affecting me...I cry a lot, and am
eternally unsatisfied.....I harbor resentment toward him and it does make it
where when he puts forth a little effort, I am not pleased, because I can
only see what I resent.

I am not as worried about my husband and what he is doing or not doing, as I
am about the fact that *I* feel out of control, hopeless, sad, and burst
into tears all of the time.

Could this be PPD or is this just normal emotions stemming from my problems
with my husband which were here before pregnancy even?

I think you do have issues with your husband that you should work out with
counseling, but I also think you very likely have PPD and should talk to your
doc.

HTH,

Leslie

"Jill" wrote in message
. com...

Is this PPD, someone please tell me this is something normal.......because
to be honest I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person,
although
we have a beautiful beautiful baby who was NOT a mistake at all. If I did
one thing right, it's this precious baby. But if my husband can't give a
little and if he can't be affectionate with me emotionally something is
wrong and it makes me really think I can;t live with it. Meaning, it makes
me think I may have to get out. This is so bad to say when I have a new
baby, who deserves a family who is together.


Hi Jill!

My husband and I fell into a really tough marital patch right after the
birth of our elder child. I can't say for sure about him, but the "d" word
was floating across my brain every now and then during the first six months
of our daughter's life. After a while it got better.

I can't diagnose you with PPD, but perhaps you should be talking to your OB
about what you are feeling. It sounds to me that you might be having some
depression coupled with what are not uncommon post-baby marital problems.

FWIW, things between DH and I got a LOT better right around the 6 month
mark.

Donna

"Leslie" wrote in message
...

Jill, I think Leslie has given you some absolutely wonderful advice.

Comments interspersed...


The very first thing I would do would be to see a doctor and either get
back on
the Paxil or try something else for depression. PPD is so common and I
think
it's way worth it to see how much of your feelings are due to that before
you
do anything drastic!

Absolutely. No one here can tell you whether you're experiencing PPD. Your
MD can.


It sounds like you are depending on your husband to meet all your
emotional
needs (other than those the baby meets!). I'm not saying that he
shouldn't be
meeting your needs, but maybe you would feel better if you get out of the
house
more, see some friends, go to a moms' group, etc. It can be very
depressing to
be sitting at home with a baby all day while your husband is at least out
in
the world doing things and then have him not come home and pay attention
to
you. It is like he is your whole world and you are so counting on him to
come
home and provide you with adult interaction and that can put a lot of
pressure
on him too.

I'd totally forgotten this - Jill, when I was having such a dreadful time
emotionally after DD arrived, there *were* a few things that I could do that
helped, and Leslie put her finger on the biggest one. Get out of the house.
For me, Gymboree was a lifesaver. I went every day for the first four
months of DD's life, not becuase she got anything out of it, but because I
did. It was an excuse to get showered and dressed, and to hang out with
other brand new moms of newborns. We all looked exhausted and crappy, there
was always someone crying or nursing or changing the newborn, and there was
a discussion period at the beginning and end of each class where we got to
share our thoughts on the topic of the day (and realize that we were all
going through the same things).

See if you can find some kind of daily outlet to get out of the house. The
library. The Zoo. Gymboree. A mom's club (check with yourOB's office
orthe hospital). Something.



All of these are issues that counseling can help with. Anybody with a
child
who is thinking seriously of separating owes it to that child to seek
counseling before taking a step like that. If money is an issue, you can
see
your clergyman (if you attend church) for free, or if there is a
university in
your area you can go to the clinic where they train psychologists; that
will
have a sliding fee scale. Even some private therapists will see patients
on
reduced terms. I cannot urge you enough to try this! And I think you
should
also consider seeing a therapist yourself to give you a real person to
talk to
about all these issues.

I think you do have issues with your husband that you should work out with
counseling, but I also think you very likely have PPD and should talk to
your
doc.

Nothing to add here except that Leslie is right, imho.

Donna