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#1
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Have only child and want another...advice
Hi,
I really need some advice and I hope this is an appropriate place to post. I have an 8 year old daughter and for about a year now I have wanted a second. Whenever I bring the topic of babies up with my daughter she gets very upset. She says she doesn't want a sibling and wants it to be just her. My best friend is pregnant and due any day now. I asked DD tonight if she though XX (my fiends 2 yr old) would think it fun to have anew baby. She said, "No Mommy, X will be upset" and turned away from me with a sad look. I feel if she hurts so much now just discussing it, what on earth will she feel if I have another? I am so torn. I have longing for another child BUT I don not want it to come between me and my DD. For the longest time I never wanted another child. I was too selfish and self absorbed. I am ashamed to say I had an abortion when she was 4 as I just felt another would be too much. My husband is all for the idea as he was very hurt over the abortion. I feel I have matured a lot over the last few years (I am 29) and am no longer selfish kid who is only interested in herself and material things. My mother says that I have just forgotten how hard babies and toddlers are and that I should stick with one, as it is easier. She was the only person who was supportive of my abortion. I want to make the right choice for me and my family without hurting DD. Is that possible or are kids always hurt when a new sibling arrives? Money, my marriage, work etc are not an issue at all in this, it is just my relationship with DD. I would like some honest advice. |
#2
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Have only child and want another...advice
I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to add to
your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that matter). "Shelly" wrote in message ... Hi, I really need some advice and I hope this is an appropriate place to post. I have an 8 year old daughter and for about a year now I have wanted a second. Whenever I bring the topic of babies up with my daughter she gets very upset. She says she doesn't want a sibling and wants it to be just her. My best friend is pregnant and due any day now. I asked DD tonight if she though XX (my fiends 2 yr old) would think it fun to have anew baby. She said, "No Mommy, X will be upset" and turned away from me with a sad look. I feel if she hurts so much now just discussing it, what on earth will she feel if I have another? I am so torn. I have longing for another child BUT I don not want it to come between me and my DD. For the longest time I never wanted another child. I was too selfish and self absorbed. I am ashamed to say I had an abortion when she was 4 as I just felt another would be too much. My husband is all for the idea as he was very hurt over the abortion. I feel I have matured a lot over the last few years (I am 29) and am no longer selfish kid who is only interested in herself and material things. My mother says that I have just forgotten how hard babies and toddlers are and that I should stick with one, as it is easier. She was the only person who was supportive of my abortion. I want to make the right choice for me and my family without hurting DD. Is that possible or are kids always hurt when a new sibling arrives? Money, my marriage, work etc are not an issue at all in this, it is just my relationship with DD. I would like some honest advice. |
#3
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Have only child and want another...advice
"dejablues" wrote in message ... I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to add to your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that matter). I think my mother would be mortified if she even thought I was thinking of trying, she always told me kids ruin your life (but that's a whole other thread!) Its not as if I want her permission, but I want her to be happy. I feel a sibling would make her sad, even though it would make me happy. Then I feel that being a parent is about putting your child happiness before your own and that I am selfish for wanting another and turning her life upside down and inside out. Its so confusing! Thanks for the advice.. |
#4
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Have only child and want another...advice
"Shelly" wrote in message ... Its not as if I want her permission, but I want her to be happy. I feel a sibling would make her sad, even though it would make me happy. Then I feel that being a parent is about putting your child happiness before your own and that I am selfish for wanting another and turning her life upside down and inside out. Its so confusing! Thanks for the advice.. I don't think she really knows what having a sibling will be like until she has one. There's a very good chance she'll just adore the sibling when it arrives. I think most kids just think of a new baby as a given, rather than a choice they had any say in. Did you ask her if you should have a baby? |
#5
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Have only child and want another...advice
"toypup" wrote in message news:Qy%ac.156690$Cb.1612019@attbi_s51... "Shelly" wrote in message ... Its not as if I want her permission, but I want her to be happy. I feel a sibling would make her sad, even though it would make me happy. Then I feel that being a parent is about putting your child happiness before your own and that I am selfish for wanting another and turning her life upside down and inside out. Its so confusing! Thanks for the advice.. I don't think she really knows what having a sibling will be like until she has one. There's a very good chance she'll just adore the sibling when it arrives. I think most kids just think of a new baby as a given, rather than a choice they had any say in. Did you ask her if you should have a baby? Yes, she said she likes being special and she wants to be "my only one" Yes she may adore the sibling, but she may also not stand the sight of him/her. I cant stand my sisters and I am very jealous of them. I am the eldest, so I know what its like to be knocked off the throne. It still hurts now!!! I was 3 at the time. I dread to think how DD will feel. I know I was devastated. |
#6
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Have only child and want another...advice
KA-ching!
You are transferring your own negative experience (no doubt helped along by your mothers actions) onto your daughter. Not everyone views a sibling as a horrible, detrimental thing. NO kid should be put on a throne! Life is all about getting along with other people. I am the eldest of four , having three younger brothers. Sure , they were a pain for a while, and we fought like cats and dogs, but now they are my best friends. They grew up, got married, and had kids of their own, (my childrens first cousins). I wouldn't trade that for any sense of exclusivity or privilege that I would have gotten by being an only child. If you can't get past these feelings, and still want to have another child, I would suggest counseling. "Shelly" wrote in message ... ". I cant stand my sisters and I am very jealous of them. I am the eldest, so I know what its like to be knocked off the throne. It still hurts now!!! I was 3 at the time. I dread to think how DD will feel. I know I was devastated. |
#7
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Have only child and want another...advice
Shelly wrote:
I really need some advice and I hope this is an appropriate place to post. I have an 8 year old daughter and for about a year now I have wanted a second. Whenever I bring the topic of babies up with my daughter she gets very upset. She says she doesn't want a sibling and wants it to be just her. My best friend is pregnant and due any day now. I asked DD tonight if she though XX (my fiends 2 yr old) would think it fun to have anew baby. She said, "No Mommy, X will be upset" and turned away from me with a sad look. I feel if she hurts so much now just discussing it, what on earth will she feel if I have another? I am so torn. I have longing for another child BUT I don not want it to come between me and my DD. I think it is completely unfair of you to bring your daughter into this discussion. It's not her decision to make. While some children in this situation would welcome a sibling, it's not at all uncommon for children this age to have decided they like life just fine as it is and not to want to shake things up and start sharing mommy and daddy. Clearly, your daughter is in the latter camp. However, she totally doesn't have the maturity or the perspective to know what life will be like with a sibling and it flat out isn't her prerogative or responsibility to decide, and you put her in a very bad situation by trying to get her to give you permission to have another child. You have to decide on your own whether you want another or not. You can obviously take into account what you think a sibling will do for/to her, but you make the decision. If you decide to have another child, then you just present it to her when it's time without all the agonizing and without trying to sugar coat it either. No doubt, if you have another she will be upset for a time. She may even continue being upset for a while after the baby is born. But obviously, you will work hard to ensure that a baby doesn't completely turn her life upside down. You'll want to ensure that she is able to continue her activities that are important to her and that she has one-on-one time with you and her father. She will adapt, particularly if you are sensitive to her needs and if you present it positively. On the other hand, it will certainly be a life style change for all of you. Yes, it's a challenge going back to babyhood (we just did that, having our third last summer when the older two were six and eight years old). It's also a challenge keeping up a busy schedule of activities for the older kids while caring for a baby. Personally, it's worked out well for us and my 8yo (now 9yo) is absolutely thrilled with his baby sister and just adores her and plays with her all the time. He's a huge help. We didn't necessarily expect that of him, but it's a very nice surprise. Life is certainly a lot more complicated with a baby, but we're enjoying it. Having another child has lots of repercussions, but it certainly should not destroy your relationship with your daughter. If it does, then there is something else seriously wrong with the relationship that needs fixing. Best wishes, Ericka |
#8
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Have only child and want another...advice
dejablues wrote in message ... I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to add to your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that matter). Typical feminist "I'm in charge and make the decisions here" attitude :-( I think Shelly is an excellent parent for considering how it will affect the child she already has. Sibling rivalry is very important and the arrival of a second child can be devestating on the first who suddenly feels her position is usurped. DD must know other kids who have siblings. Try to enrol her into the excitement of having her own little brother or sister and once it arrives keep her involved: she can help feed it bath it etcetera... it will make her feel important and responsible and she will love it ;-) |
#9
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Have only child and want another...advice
"Chris Scaife" wrote in message ... dejablues wrote in message ... I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to add to your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that matter). Typical feminist "I'm in charge and make the decisions here" attitude :-( What, you think an 8 year old should be the decision maker? Or maybe grandma? Great idea. The person who is going to take on the responsibility of another baby, lifelong, is the decision maker. That's a no-brainer. Shelly, if you want another baby, then have one. But stop asking your child for permission. You are the grownup. If you have a baby, it's *your* baby, not your daughter's. They may get along, they may not. You can't predict that. But your daughter shouldn't be given the idea that she has any say in the matter. It isn't her baby. Donna |
#10
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Have only child and want another...advice
Feminism has nothing to do with it. Children should not be privy to adult
decisions. Something you don't agree with, obviously, having exposed your child to all the nastiness adults can dish up. "Chris Scaife" wrote in message ... dejablues wrote in message ... I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to add to your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that matter). Typical feminist "I'm in charge and make the decisions here" attitude :-( I think Shelly is an excellent parent for considering how it will affect the child she already has. Sibling rivalry is very important and the arrival of a second child can be devestating on the first who suddenly feels her position is usurped. DD must know other kids who have siblings. Try to enrol her into the excitement of having her own little brother or sister and once it arrives keep her involved: she can help feed it bath it etcetera... it will make her feel important and responsible and she will love it ;-) |
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