How to break 4 year old from shyness?

I'm not sure if this is the right group or not.

I have a daughter, almost 4 years old. We put her in daycare,
partially to learn, but primarily to be more 'social'.

She usually will sit just by the teacher, she does not play with other
children. She usually either plays by herself, or sits and does
nothing.

Occasionally, she will participate in 'group' activities, when all kids
are doing something, but if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids.

Out on the playground, she does not play much if at all. She stands
right by the teacher. If the teacher ignores her, she still stands
there. Almost like the teacher were her parent.

I don't believe it's anything the teacher is doing, because she was
like this with two other teachers before this one. In fact, today, her
teacher was not there, so she sat down all by herself against the wall
with a pouty face.

I tried putting her into a very social and interactive environment,
that is daycare / preschool. At home there's interaction, and games.
So, can anyone make any suggestions or reasons or comments?

Thanks.
Doug(Concerned parent)B

IMAFriend wrote:
I'm not sure if this is the right group or not.

I have a daughter, almost 4 years old. We put her in daycare,
partially to learn, but primarily to be more 'social'.

She usually will sit just by the teacher, she does not play with other
children. She usually either plays by herself, or sits and does
nothing.

Occasionally, she will participate in 'group' activities, when all kids
are doing something, but if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids.

Out on the playground, she does not play much if at all. She stands
right by the teacher. If the teacher ignores her, she still stands
there. Almost like the teacher were her parent.

I don't believe it's anything the teacher is doing, because she was
like this with two other teachers before this one. In fact, today, her
teacher was not there, so she sat down all by herself against the wall
with a pouty face.

I tried putting her into a very social and interactive environment,
that is daycare / preschool. At home there's interaction, and games.
So, can anyone make any suggestions or reasons or comments?

Thanks.
Doug(Concerned parent)B

Well, first, I don't think shyness is something to "break" a kid of --
you can model and encourage and role-play so she's more comfortable
interacting with others, but true shyness is just part and parcel of
some people's personality.

But what have you and her mom done to show your daughter how to
interact with the other kids? Have you smiled and addressed classmates
by name in her presence? Admired their artwork, or noted that one's
backpack or sweater was identical to your daughter's? You can then help
bring your daughter into the conversation. And you can then suggest
when you arrive that she go say "hi" to Amanda and join her at the
sand table, or help Alex build a village with the blocks.

You can then casually reinforce with her any connections you've noted,
on your drives to and from school, at breakfast, or whenever. ("I hope
Sarah's feeling better today -- I know you miss your friend when she's
not at school." "It was nice of Stevie to help us pick up those papers
-- he's a good friend.") That all helps her really see each kid as an
individual, and a friend, rather than just part of a sea of faces that
she's not quite sure how to get to know.

You can also reinforce those connections with playdates and activities
outside of school whenever possible. When my daughter was 4, she
enjoyed one preschool friend so much that her mom and I arranged for
the two of them to attend a morning day camp together that summer.


Lori G.
Milwaukee, WI

In article .com,
"IMAFriend" wrote:

I have a daughter, almost 4 years old. We put her in daycare,
partially to learn, but primarily to be more 'social'.

My DS1 (at age 2-3) used to hesitate to get involved in other children's
games, particularly if there were a lot of people or strangers. I remember,
when we went to other places, telling him to stay with me until he was ready
to join the other kids. I believed that he had a right to his feelings, and
that if he was allowed to handle things at his own pace, he would be much more
confident. Pushing a child to socialise will only get his/her back up. It
seems I was right -- DS1 (now 5.5) is slightly too outgoing for my taste, now!

She usually will sit just by the teacher, she does not play with other
children. She usually either plays by herself, or sits and does
nothing.

Have you asked her why she does this? Maybe she is finding it all boring!

Occasionally, she will participate in 'group' activities, when all kids
are doing something, but if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids.

My first question is: why is the day care leaving children unattended?

Out on the playground, she does not play much if at all. She stands
right by the teacher. If the teacher ignores her, she still stands
there. Almost like the teacher were her parent.

I don't believe it's anything the teacher is doing, because she was
like this with two other teachers before this one. In fact, today, her
teacher was not there, so she sat down all by herself against the wall
with a pouty face.

Second question: why is this YOUR problem? It happens at day care. You are
not there. The staff (presumably) have some training and experience. Why are
the staff ignoring her and leaving her sitting by herself with nothing to do?
Why are they not dealing with it? What do they think is going on, and how are
they handling it?

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue

I'm glad of what you suggested and answered, because it helps me be
confident I'm thinking 'correctly' or at least on the right track.

hedgehog42 wrote:

But what have you and her mom done to show your daughter how to
interact with the other kids? Have you smiled and addressed classmates
by name in her presence? Admired their artwork, or noted that one's
backpack or sweater was identical to your daughter's? You can then help
bring your daughter into the conversation. And you can then suggest
when you arrive that she go say "hi" to Amanda and join her at the
sand table, or help Alex build a village with the blocks.

Yes, I go in and say thing such as "Kaleb is sitting over there next to
your favorite seat.", or "Andrea has a teddy that is almost as small as
your scooby doo" and so forth.


You can then casually reinforce with her any connections you've noted,
on your drives to and from school, at breakfast, or whenever. ("I hope
Sarah's feeling better today -- I know you miss your friend when she's
not at school." "It was nice of Stevie to help us pick up those papers
-- he's a good friend.") That all helps her really see each kid as an
individual, and a friend, rather than just part of a sea of faces that
she's not quite sure how to get to know.

I drop her off in the morning, wife picks her up in the afternoon. I'm
going to suggest this to her. I usually find other things to talk
about in the mornings, on the way to daycare, to keep her entertained.
Lets see how many red cars we see today. I'll also give it a try, and
see how it might help.

She does know each child tho, she knows the teacher's name, and most if
not all of the children's names. And many of the children also know me
as her daddy. I try to make a point of interacting at least somewhat
with the other children. "Who can give me a high-five?"

Lori G.
Milwaukee, WI

Thanks for some of these insights!

DougB

Chookie wrote:

My DS1 (at age 2-3) used to hesitate to get involved in other children's
games, particularly if there were a lot of people or strangers. I remember,
when we went to other places, telling him to stay with me until he was ready
to join the other kids. I believed that he had a right to his feelings, and
that if he was allowed to handle things at his own pace, he would be much more
confident. Pushing a child to socialise will only get his/her back up.

This could very well be the case. I'm trying to find ways to get her
socializing without it being a 'push', but then again, just the fact
that is the goal might already be a push.

Occasionally, she will participate in 'group' activities, when all kids
are doing something, but if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids.

My first question is: why is the day care leaving children unattended?

I think maybe you misunderstood. Maybe a sing-along, with some hand
movements in the classroom. Daughter will sit, listen, probably will
not sing, or jump around, or do the hand movements. If so, will not
have much enthusiasm. (Can't think of an example song right now, maybe
the 5 frogs jumping off a log or something)

Second question: why is this YOUR problem? It happens at day care. You are
not there. The staff (presumably) have some training and experience. Why are
the staff ignoring her and leaving her sitting by herself with nothing to do?
Why are they not dealing with it? What do they think is going on, and how are
they handling it?

It is MY problem, because everything related to or concerning MY
daughter, whether I am present or responsible or not, is MY problem.

The staff are not leaving anyone unattended. This would be like in the
high school dance, most people are on the dance floor, or at the
refreshment bar, or wherever. There is likely to be the one guy that
is off to the side that is watching, but just not involved. He (or
she) is not unattended, but is still alone.

If the teacher is talking to a parent, or another teacher, or another
child, they cannot give 100% attention to my daughter. My daughter
acts as tho she has nothing else to do other than to stand next to the
teacher and wait for her attention. Would rather wait patiently for
some words, or just to follow the teacher around and do nothing, rather
than to go play on the slide, or sandbox, or the jumper, or whatever
else is out there, by herself or other kids.

Good insights also, thanks for your feedback. The more opinions I
read, the more I can realize that I'm not the only one with problems or
solutions.
DougB

Sounds like she is on her third teacher already. I know from having
moved around a lot as a child, that upon entering a new situation I
just sat back and observed. Most people considered me shy and my
step-family, I found out recently, had said I had no personality. lol.
I am not shy, but yes, in new situations I do sit back and observe. I
learn with whom I would be most interested in being friends with, whom
I may want to avoid at all costs, etc. I don't think it is something to
break, but inviting some of the children over one by one for a play
date might help her become comfortable with the new people on her
"turf" first. She might just not automatically know how to jump into a
group, which is fine; a lot of kids that age, especially those who are
used to each other, can be what appears to be mean if something doesn't
go their way, whereas your child might just be really easygoing and
gets her feelings hurt easily and avoids confrontations.

On Oct 6, 4:42*am, Chookie wrote:
In article .com,

*"IMAFriend" wrote:
I have a daughter, almost 4 years old. *We put her in daycare,
partially to learn, but primarily to be more 'social'.My DS1 (at age 2-3) used to hesitate to get involved in other children's
games, particularly if there were a lot of people or strangers. *I remember,
when we went to other places, telling him to stay with me until he was ready
to join the other kids. *I believed that he had a right to his feelings, and
that if he was allowed to handle things at his own pace, he would be much more
confident. *Pushing a child to socialise will only get his/her back up. *It
seems I was right -- DS1 (now 5.5) is slightly too outgoing for my taste, now!

She usually will sit just by the teacher, she does not play with other
children. *She usually either plays by herself, or sits and does
nothing.Have you asked her why she does this? *Maybe she is finding it all boring!

Occasionally, she will participate in 'group' activities, when all kids
are doing something, but if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids.My first question is: why is the day care leaving children unattended?

Out on the playground, she does not play much if at all. *She stands
right by the teacher. *If the teacher ignores her, she still stands
there. *Almost like the teacher were her parent.

I don't believe it's anything the teacher is doing, because she was
like this with two other teachers before this one. *In fact, today, her
teacher was not there, so she sat down all by herself against the wall
with a pouty face.Second question: *why is this YOUR problem? *It happens at day care. *You are
not there. *The staff (presumably) have some training and experience. *Why are
the staff ignoring her and leaving her sitting by herself with nothing to do? *
Why are they not dealing with it? *What do they think is going on, and how are
they handling it?

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue

In article .com,
"IMAFriend" wrote:

I believed that he had a right to his feelings, and that if he was
allowed to handle things at his own pace, he would be much more
confident. Pushing a child to socialise will only get his/her back up.

This could very well be the case. I'm trying to find ways to get her
socializing without it being a 'push', but then again, just the fact
that is the goal might already be a push.

Consider *very* carefully whether any intervention is required.

Occasionally, she will participate in 'group' activities, when all kids
are doing something, but if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids.

My first question is: why is the day care leaving children unattended?

I think maybe you misunderstood. Maybe a sing-along, with some hand
movements in the classroom. Daughter will sit, listen, probably will
not sing, or jump around, or do the hand movements.

That's not unusual -- but you also said:

if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids

That sounds to me like the teacher has walked away from the children, leaving
them to continue the game unsupervised. This is not something I have ever
seen in a day care and indeed it would not be considered acceptable here.

Second question: why is this YOUR problem? It happens at day care. You
are not there. The staff (presumably) have some training and experience.
Why are the staff ignoring her and leaving her sitting by herself with
nothing to do? Why are they not dealing with it? What do they think is
going on, and how are they handling it?

It is MY problem, because everything related to or concerning MY
daughter, whether I am present or responsible or not, is MY problem.

But it sounds as if the day care has left you to find solutions for them.
Generally, what they should do is tell you that they have noticed behaviour
XYZ, then tell you what action they are proposing for it (or that it's not a
serious problem).

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue

"Chookie" wrote in message
...
In article .com,
"IMAFriend" wrote:

I believed that he had a right to his feelings, and that if he was
allowed to handle things at his own pace, he would be much more
confident. Pushing a child to socialise will only get his/her back up.

This could very well be the case. I'm trying to find ways to get her
socializing without it being a 'push', but then again, just the fact
that is the goal might already be a push.

Consider *very* carefully whether any intervention is required.

Occasionally, she will participate in 'group' activities, when all
kids
are doing something, but if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has
to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids.

My first question is: why is the day care leaving children unattended?

I think maybe you misunderstood. Maybe a sing-along, with some hand
movements in the classroom. Daughter will sit, listen, probably will
not sing, or jump around, or do the hand movements.

That's not unusual -- but you also said:

if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids

That sounds to me like the teacher has walked away from the children,
leaving
them to continue the game unsupervised. This is not something I have ever
seen in a day care and indeed it would not be considered acceptable here.
I would take this to be as #2's pre-school:
Children playing, say, ring-a-ring-a-roses. Teachers ask them to join hands
in a circle. About 5 teachers, 20 children. The child has an atttachment for
one teacher, and will only come if they can hold that teacher's hand. From
what I've seen this is fairly common, particularly in girls to form a strong
attachment to one teacher. Another child says they need the toilet (or other
reason). If this particular teacher goes with the child then the OP's child
refuses to join in while they're not there.
It may be that there are other children who have attachments for other
teachers and will be upset if they go, so it isn't appropriate for this
teacher to say that they can't leave her. It also isn't necessarily helpful
if this teacher always stays either.
Debbie

"IMAFriend" wrote in message
oups.com...
I'm not sure if this is the right group or not.

I have a daughter, almost 4 years old. We put her in daycare,
partially to learn, but primarily to be more 'social'.

She usually will sit just by the teacher, she does not play with other
children. She usually either plays by herself, or sits and does
nothing.

Occasionally, she will participate in 'group' activities, when all kids
are doing something, but if the leader (the teacher) leaves, she has to
follow the teacher, she won't stay with the other kids.

Out on the playground, she does not play much if at all. She stands
right by the teacher. If the teacher ignores her, she still stands
there. Almost like the teacher were her parent.

I don't believe it's anything the teacher is doing, because she was
like this with two other teachers before this one. In fact, today, her
teacher was not there, so she sat down all by herself against the wall
with a pouty face.

I tried putting her into a very social and interactive environment,
that is daycare / preschool. At home there's interaction, and games.
So, can anyone make any suggestions or reasons or comments?

I was extremely shy all my life. It isn't till I was 35ish that I
discovered I had social phobia. It is very debilitating, but can be helped.
Try starting with your GP or school counsellor. She sounds much like I was,
but I would find one friend instead of a teacher.

I hope you can find help for her, it would be extremely hard for her.

Jen

Chris wrote:
Sounds like she is on her third teacher already. I know from having
moved around a lot as a child, that upon entering a new situation I
just sat back and observed. Most people considered me shy and my
step-family, I found out recently, had said I had no personality. lol.
I am not shy, but yes, in new situations I do sit back and observe. I
learn with whom I would be most interested in being friends with, whom
I may want to avoid at all costs, etc.

My first impression was similar to your comment - the OP's child may
be mimicing the parents traits. I see many children who are miniature
carbon copies of the parents, often when the parents are not aware of
their own habits.

Bob