Visiting Mom's Boyfriend in Prison

Hi,

My ex wants to take my girls (9 and 13) to prison to visit her
boyfriend. He is in for 1.5 years for multiple DUI's. My ex also has
problems with drinking.
I am uncomfortable with them going to visit him in prison; but before
he was arrested, the girls did grow to like/love him. They had lived
with him and their Mom 50% of the time for the previous 6-8 months.

Any opinions or thoughts? Am I being overly concerned? Is it good for
them to see first hand what happens when alcohol is abused? They say
they want to see him, but I am sure my ex has encouraged them to want
this.

I wouldn't want to do this myself, but then I wouldn't be living with
a boyfriend and daughters.

My MIL and FIL both had a drinking problem, but I think her problem
was mostly that she would drink with him to keep him company. Alcohol
abuse is a complicated problem.

I don't think the actual visit to prison will do them any harm as long
as your ex isn't driving under the influence to get them there. They
are IMHO old enough not to be permanently traumatized. OTOH, if you
forbid this, you may alienate the girls to no particular purpose.
Unless you are able to and want to forbid your ex to see them or take
them away from her, I would not rock the boat on this particular
issue.

wrote:

Hi,

My ex wants to take my girls (9 and 13) to prison to visit her
boyfriend. He is in for 1.5 years for multiple DUI's. My ex also has
problems with drinking.
I am uncomfortable with them going to visit him in prison; but before
he was arrested, the girls did grow to like/love him. They had lived
with him and their Mom 50% of the time for the previous 6-8 months.

Any opinions or thoughts? Am I being overly concerned? Is it good for
them to see first hand what happens when alcohol is abused? They say
they want to see him, but I am sure my ex has encouraged them to want
this.

grandma Rosalie

In article .com,
wrote:

Hi,

My ex wants to take my girls (9 and 13) to prison to visit her
boyfriend. He is in for 1.5 years for multiple DUI's. My ex also has
problems with drinking.
I am uncomfortable with them going to visit him in prison; but before
he was arrested, the girls did grow to like/love him. They had lived
with him and their Mom 50% of the time for the previous 6-8 months.

Any opinions or thoughts? Am I being overly concerned? Is it good for
them to see first hand what happens when alcohol is abused? They say
they want to see him, but I am sure my ex has encouraged them to want
this.


How old are they?

What kind of facility is he in?

How will the visitation be handled? Will they be seeing him through
bars in a dingy room, or will they be in an open room?

I'd say, if they got close to him, it's a good idea for them to maintain
contact. Lots of children visit people in prisons, and maintaining that
contact can be good, both for the kids AND for the prisoners.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
I wouldn't want to do this myself, but then I wouldn't be living with
a boyfriend and daughters.

My MIL and FIL both had a drinking problem, but I think her problem
was mostly that she would drink with him to keep him company. Alcohol
abuse is a complicated problem.

I don't think the actual visit to prison will do them any harm as long
as your ex isn't driving under the influence to get them there. They
are IMHO old enough not to be permanently traumatized. OTOH, if you
forbid this, you may alienate the girls to no particular purpose.
Unless you are able to and want to forbid your ex to see them or take
them away from her, I would not rock the boat on this particular
issue.

I agree. I also think this may be a good lesson for them to learn about the
consequences of doing stupid things. (Obviously, the lesson didn't hold for
the guy in jail.)

I am actually more concerned about your ex's drinking and her living with a
man who has a serious drinking problem than him being in jail for 18 months
or visiting him in jail.

Jeff
wrote:

Hi,

My ex wants to take my girls (9 and 13) to prison to visit her
boyfriend. He is in for 1.5 years for multiple DUI's. My ex also has
problems with drinking.
I am uncomfortable with them going to visit him in prison; but before
he was arrested, the girls did grow to like/love him. They had lived
with him and their Mom 50% of the time for the previous 6-8 months.

Any opinions or thoughts? Am I being overly concerned? Is it good for
them to see first hand what happens when alcohol is abused? They say
they want to see him, but I am sure my ex has encouraged them to want
this.

grandma Rosalie

In article
,
dragonlady wrote:

In article .com,
wrote:

Hi,

My ex wants to take my girls (9 and 13) to prison to visit her
boyfriend. He is in for 1.5 years for multiple DUI's. My ex also has
problems with drinking.
I am uncomfortable with them going to visit him in prison; but before
he was arrested, the girls did grow to like/love him. They had lived
with him and their Mom 50% of the time for the previous 6-8 months.

Any opinions or thoughts? Am I being overly concerned? Is it good for
them to see first hand what happens when alcohol is abused? They say
they want to see him, but I am sure my ex has encouraged them to want
this.


How old are they?

Following up to myself....

I missed the ages when I read this the first time.

Frankly, I think they are old enough to make this decision for
themselves -- especially the 13 yo. Do they want to visit him? If the
answer is yes, I'd say that's good enough.


What kind of facility is he in?

How will the visitation be handled? Will they be seeing him through
bars in a dingy room, or will they be in an open room?

I'd say, if they got close to him, it's a good idea for them to maintain
contact. Lots of children visit people in prisons, and maintaining that
contact can be good, both for the kids AND for the prisoners.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

On Fri, 10 Jun 2005 11:54:47 EDT, dragonlady
wrote:

In article .com,
wrote:

Hi,

My ex wants to take my girls (9 and 13) to prison to visit her
boyfriend. He is in for 1.5 years for multiple DUI's. My ex also has
problems with drinking.
I am uncomfortable with them going to visit him in prison; but before
he was arrested, the girls did grow to like/love him. They had lived
with him and their Mom 50% of the time for the previous 6-8 months.

Any opinions or thoughts? Am I being overly concerned? Is it good for
them to see first hand what happens when alcohol is abused? They say
they want to see him, but I am sure my ex has encouraged them to want
this.


How old are they?

What kind of facility is he in?

How will the visitation be handled? Will they be seeing him through
bars in a dingy room, or will they be in an open room?

I'd say, if they got close to him, it's a good idea for them to maintain
contact. Lots of children visit people in prisons, and maintaining that
contact can be good, both for the kids AND for the prisoners.

Around here, the John Howard and Elizabeth Fry societies help organize
programs for child visitors to prisons, including I think some kind of
"what to expect" booklet or briefing and some peer support group. In
your shoes, I might recommend that your ex visits first in order to be
able to describe to them (and you) what it is like, and that you or
your ex look into what kind of support there is for child visitors to
prisons in your area. It would be worth finding out what they're
allowed to bring with them to entertain themselves during the visit or
to show him, because just like visiting someone in the nursing home or
hospital, a suitable length visit for an adult is likely to be boring
and/or uncomfortable for a child, especially if the child doesn't have
conversation-starters like a sketch-book, toy, magazine, or school
project to show. Is there a set-up where the children can meet him
briefly, then hang out in a playroom or the car while your ex has a
longer visit?

Also, I would think that not being allowed to see where he is will
encourage them to imagine something scarier than the truth.

Good luck. This sounds like a difficult situation for you in many
ways, and I'm glad you're being so thoughtful about what is best for
your children.

Louise