more birthday ettiquete questions

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , toypup
says...


"Banty" wrote in message
...
These adults aren't there to celebrate the birthday, toypup. It's a
hang-out
opportunity. If I were you, I'd also drop the adult thing, and have
something
for your family on memorial day instead (or something like that).
Rearrange the
family expectations a bit. Hitching it to your son's birthday wasn't
working.

How my family feels is important to me, even if you don't think it should
be. They would feel slighted if I did not invite them for the party. We
already don't get along as well as I'd like and that would just further
alienate us.

There may be a connection, though, between you doing what you think they
want
and you and they not getting along.

Some people are funny in certain pertinent ways. If you pander too much,
they
lose respect. Even if you think you can hide that you dont' feel
completely
comforable with doing what they want, they pick up on it. So things
spiral.

I don't think I pander much at all. If I did, I'd be going to visit them
every weekend. To pander twice a year isn't much. Those *are* my own
terms.

"toypup" wrote in message
et...

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , toypup
says...


"Banty" wrote in message
...
These adults aren't there to celebrate the birthday, toypup. It's a
hang-out
opportunity. If I were you, I'd also drop the adult thing, and have
something
for your family on memorial day instead (or something like that).
Rearrange the
family expectations a bit. Hitching it to your son's birthday wasn't
working.

How my family feels is important to me, even if you don't think it should
be. They would feel slighted if I did not invite them for the party. We
already don't get along as well as I'd like and that would just further
alienate us.

There may be a connection, though, between you doing what you think they
want
and you and they not getting along.

Some people are funny in certain pertinent ways. If you pander too much,
they
lose respect. Even if you think you can hide that you dont' feel
completely
comforable with doing what they want, they pick up on it. So things
spiral.

I don't think I pander much at all. If I did, I'd be going to visit them
every weekend. To pander twice a year isn't much. Those *are* my own
terms.

BTW, Banty, do you never do anything for your loved ones because you care
about them, because it would make them happy? Though I don't get along as
well as I'd like with my family, I still care about them, and I do think
going slightly out of my way once in a long while isn't a big deal. I'm not
sure exactly what part of holding a party for everyone is going so much out
of my way as to be considered pandering at this point. I invite them and if
they come, they come. That's how it's always been. I'm not holding it at a
children's venue, but that's not such a sacrifice. I am hiring an
entertainer so that I don't ignore them, but I'd do that with the other
adults there anyway.

As far as why I don't get along with my family, their biggest complaint is I
don't care enough about them to visit them each and every weekend. I never
call them, either. The why of it is a long story. I never take their
advice and I don't call them when I need help is also high on their list.
My mom has always said I'm too much like a man, which was not a compliment.
She is from the old country and independence from her was an insult. They
wanted me to live at home until I was married, even if marriage was 30+ yo.

As far as people wanting to hold huge parties because everyone does it,
what's wrong with that? Most everyone cares on some level what people think
at least on some issues. It would matter to some if they were thought of as
rude or uncool or unfashionable or whatever. The only people who would be
bothered by the large parties, as far as I can gather, are those who would
feel pressured to do the same. But that is their problem, not the
party-throwers'.

toypup wrote:

As far as people wanting to hold huge parties because everyone does it,
what's wrong with that?

If the only reason one does it is that everyone
else does it, that's a problem. I don't think it's a particularly
good idea to teach children it's okay to overspend/overcommit/
stress out/compromise one's principles/whatever to throw a
big party in order to keep up with the Joneses. That's a
recipe for a lifetime of disasters. Now, if you have some
*other* reason for throwing a big party *and* you can
afford (financially/physically/emotionally/etc.) to do it,
then no problem. But if the only reason one is throwing a
party is that one believes it is expected or failing
to throw a big party makes one uncool or some such thing,
I do think that's a problem at a pretty basic level.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
toypup wrote:

As far as people wanting to hold huge parties because everyone does it,
what's wrong with that?

If the only reason one does it is that everyone
else does it, that's a problem. I don't think it's a particularly
good idea to teach children it's okay to overspend/overcommit/
stress out/compromise one's principles/whatever to throw a
big party in order to keep up with the Joneses.

I'm not personally into that, but I think that if someone gets their thrill
from that, then it's okay with me. If they are stressed out about it, then
I don't want to hear about it.

"Barbara" wrote in message
oups.com...
Banty wrote:
SNIP
Immediate family and the kids' real friends (in which case the parents
should
already know the other parents, therefore already have their addresses).
Period.

Ah. Spoken like someone whose kid has always gone to a neighborhood
school, and whose job allows for things like pick-up and drop-off on
weekdays. That's not everyone's world.

Exactly. I didn't meet DS's first best friend for quite some time after
they became close and I didn't get together with the mom for some time after
that. I don't know any of his other friends' parents, save one. Pick-up
and drop-off times are varied, most are students with wild schedules, I
work, and the school is in another city.

In article , toypup says...


"toypup" wrote in message
. net...

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , toypup
says...


"Banty" wrote in message
...
These adults aren't there to celebrate the birthday, toypup. It's a
hang-out
opportunity. If I were you, I'd also drop the adult thing, and have
something
for your family on memorial day instead (or something like that).
Rearrange the
family expectations a bit. Hitching it to your son's birthday wasn't
working.

How my family feels is important to me, even if you don't think it should
be. They would feel slighted if I did not invite them for the party. We
already don't get along as well as I'd like and that would just further
alienate us.

There may be a connection, though, between you doing what you think they
want
and you and they not getting along.

Some people are funny in certain pertinent ways. If you pander too much,
they
lose respect. Even if you think you can hide that you dont' feel
completely
comforable with doing what they want, they pick up on it. So things
spiral.

I don't think I pander much at all. If I did, I'd be going to visit them
every weekend. To pander twice a year isn't much. Those *are* my own
terms.

BTW, Banty, do you never do anything for your loved ones because you care
about them, because it would make them happy? Though I don't get along as
well as I'd like with my family, I still care about them, and I do think
going slightly out of my way once in a long while isn't a big deal. I'm not
sure exactly what part of holding a party for everyone is going so much out
of my way as to be considered pandering at this point. I invite them and if
they come, they come. That's how it's always been. I'm not holding it at a
children's venue, but that's not such a sacrifice. I am hiring an
entertainer so that I don't ignore them, but I'd do that with the other
adults there anyway.

Oh absolutely of course I do things for my family for their sake to make them
happy sometimes. But, perhaps you don't realize how this is coming across, but
plainly you're struggling with doing things in a way that aren't really
comfortable for you, just to please your folks, and IME that just doesn't work.
I'm only suggesting that you shift the family piece of it to a place that's not
getting in the way of other things you're trying to do, like celebrate a
birthday. That's all. It may help. Or not.


As far as why I don't get along with my family, their biggest complaint is I
don't care enough about them to visit them each and every weekend. I never
call them, either. The why of it is a long story. I never take their
advice and I don't call them when I need help is also high on their list.
My mom has always said I'm too much like a man, which was not a compliment.
She is from the old country and independence from her was an insult. They
wanted me to live at home until I was married, even if marriage was 30+ yo.

I dont' have the cultural angle in my case, but I surely can understand how
demands that you go through a lot of motions to *act* very close drives a sane
person to do just the opposite, from experience with one of my own parents. But
that's part of what informs my advice. I'm all for drawing boundaries.

It's just that my impression is:
1. You struggle with combining your son's birthday with a family visit (for
understandable reasons - for starters, last time you did a family-only thing,
they sort of blew him off!)
2. Over the past few years you *have* invited them for a family birhtday thing,
so they *expect* it. (All the more keenly because they expect a *lot*.)

So I'm saying, maybe consider adjusting their expectations for a visit or visits
that work better for you.


As far as people wanting to hold huge parties because everyone does it,
what's wrong with that? Most everyone cares on some level what people think
at least on some issues. It would matter to some if they were thought of as
rude or uncool or unfashionable or whatever. The only people who would be
bothered by the large parties, as far as I can gather, are those who would
feel pressured to do the same. But that is their problem, not the
party-throwers'.


Oh I have no problem with big parties, and I've stated that in this thread.
Some folks just thrive on parties and throwing them, the more the merrier! What
I object to, in a *general* way, is when it gets to be a bandwagon thing (which
I think it has), where Mr. Jones would rather have a small family thing, but her
birthday child and anyone the birthday child would invite, now have expectations
that it has to be a huge pool party or Chuckee Cheese extravaganza. That really
has nothing necessarily to do with what you're doing.

Banty


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In article , Banty says...

Oh I have no problem with big parties, and I've stated that in this thread.
Some folks just thrive on parties and throwing them, the more the merrier! What
I object to, in a *general* way, is when it gets to be a bandwagon thing (which
I think it has), where Mr. Jones would rather have a small family thing, but her
birthday child and anyone the birthday child would invite, now have expectations
that it has to be a huge pool party or Chuckee Cheese extravaganza. That really
has nothing necessarily to do with what you're doing.

Banty



Um, make that *Mrs.* Jones.

Banty (it's the trans-sexual agenda!)


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toypup wrote:
"cjra" wrote in message
oups.com...
Why would you have to have a separate party for kids at a venue??? Can
the classmate friends not also come to the family party?

My family's weird. They would rather not go to a kids oriented party at a
kids place. They have all been too long without kids or have never had
kids. I can't get my mom and dad to go to Disneyland with us and I've
offered to buy them season passes so they could hang out for an hour or two
one weekend a month maybe. They refuse, because they don't care for
Disneyland and they don't care to do it just to be around the kids.

Why is that weird? Seems perfectly sensible to me.
You couldn't get my parents to Disney on a bet, and my mom
would probably rather blow her brains out than spend 15
minutes in Chuck E. Cheese ;-) I figure they're the grandparents.
They've already paid their dues. They get to do whatever is
fun with the kids now. They don't have to do anything that's
not fun if they don't want to. There's been no shortage of
things that both grandparents and grandkids find to be fun,
so no need to torture the grandparents.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , Ericka Kammerer says...

toypup wrote:
"cjra" wrote in message
oups.com...
Why would you have to have a separate party for kids at a venue??? Can
the classmate friends not also come to the family party?

My family's weird. They would rather not go to a kids oriented party at a
kids place. They have all been too long without kids or have never had
kids. I can't get my mom and dad to go to Disneyland with us and I've
offered to buy them season passes so they could hang out for an hour or two
one weekend a month maybe. They refuse, because they don't care for
Disneyland and they don't care to do it just to be around the kids.

Why is that weird? Seems perfectly sensible to me.
You couldn't get my parents to Disney on a bet, and my mom
would probably rather blow her brains out than spend 15
minutes in Chuck E. Cheese ;-)

Fifteen minutes in Chuck E. Cheese *is* blowing one's brains out!

I figure they're the grandparents.
They've already paid their dues. They get to do whatever is
fun with the kids now. They don't have to do anything that's
not fun if they don't want to. There's been no shortage of
things that both grandparents and grandkids find to be fun,
so no need to torture the grandparents.

Agreed completely.

Banty


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On 1 Apr 2006 08:34:38 -0800, "cjra" wrote:

Kids birthday parties have all been at someone's house or at a
park with a playground.

One thing that is nice here in the New Orleans area is the number
of park venues that work well for birthday parties. We just had my
dgs's party at a park with a train (the kids get free rides for an
hour of the party). We had to bring the food and the cake (we had
pizza delivered and bought a sheet cake with trucks and tractors
on it).

There are several parks with carousels and party packages are
available there too.

While I don't like Chucky Cheese, there are some smaller indoor
venues that do nice parties too. We went to one at a Hershey's ice
cream store. It included a simple craft, a little pin the tail on
the donkey game with a balloon donkey and vecro attached tails.
pizza and make your own ice cream sundaes. It was very nice.

Here the other things that are often hired when people have parties
at home are those *bouncy houses* I have seen a few that actually
had pony rides too.


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Dorothy

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that can be heard unless someone listens ..

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