birth coaching in an adoption situation

One of my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die has been to be either a birth
coach for someone or at the very least, just an observer in a delivery
room. I may now get my chance, but the circumstances are different
than I ever expected. DH's niece is due any day now and she has just
asked me to be in the delivery room with her. I'm not that close to
her, but DH has recently gotten very close with her as he's been
helping her through some tough issues, including preparing to give her
child up for adoption.

If there's anyone that's been part of a delivery in an adoption
situation, I would appreciate any pointers on things to do/not do.
Should I gush over how adorable the baby is or should I keep him at
arm's length? What do I do if she starts to change her mind about
adoption? This really is the best decision for her, but I know it
certainly happens a lot once mothers see their babies.

Thanks,
Annie

On 22 Mar 2007 07:59:42 -0700, annie wrote:

If there's anyone that's been part of a delivery in an adoption
situation, I would appreciate any pointers on things to do/not do.
Should I gush over how adorable the baby is or should I keep him at
arm's length? What do I do if she starts to change her mind about
adoption? This really is the best decision for her, but I know it
certainly happens a lot once mothers see their babies.

It's such a sad situation. I've never been in it myself, so I don't know.
I just think that if I started to change my mind and someone talked me out
of it, I may resent that person for the rest of my life. OTOH, maybe I
would thank that person later for helping me come to my senses. I just
don't know.

On Mar 22, 9:59 am, "annie" wrote:
One of my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die has been to be either a birth
coach for someone or at the very least, just an observer in a delivery
room. I may now get my chance, but the circumstances are different
than I ever expected. DH's niece is due any day now and she has just
asked me to be in the delivery room with her. I'm not that close to
her, but DH has recently gotten very close with her as he's been
helping her through some tough issues, including preparing to give her
child up for adoption.

If there's anyone that's been part of a delivery in an adoption
situation, I would appreciate any pointers on things to do/not do.
Should I gush over how adorable the baby is or should I keep him at
arm's length? What do I do if she starts to change her mind about
adoption? This really is the best decision for her, but I know it
certainly happens a lot once mothers see their babies.

Thanks,
Annie

I haven't been there, but here's my 2 cents anyway....

Take your cues from her. She may want to distance herself, or she may
want to gush, just try to remain neutral and go with what she's doing.
Throughout the birth, focus on *her*, listen to what she needs to get
through it, hold her hand, give her comfort, physical support,
whatever is necessary - like with any birth. You can offer things like
"you're doing the best for your baby" without really encouraging
either way. I wouldn't keep him at arm's length, but I'd be careful
about gushing too much.

I have so much respect for someone who puts their child up for
adoption, it's a wonderful gift.

In article . com, cjra says...

On Mar 22, 9:59 am, "annie" wrote:
One of my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die has been to be either a birth
coach for someone or at the very least, just an observer in a delivery
room. I may now get my chance, but the circumstances are different
than I ever expected. DH's niece is due any day now and she has just
asked me to be in the delivery room with her. I'm not that close to
her, but DH has recently gotten very close with her as he's been
helping her through some tough issues, including preparing to give her
child up for adoption.

If there's anyone that's been part of a delivery in an adoption
situation, I would appreciate any pointers on things to do/not do.
Should I gush over how adorable the baby is or should I keep him at
arm's length? What do I do if she starts to change her mind about
adoption? This really is the best decision for her, but I know it
certainly happens a lot once mothers see their babies.

Thanks,
Annie

I haven't been there, but here's my 2 cents anyway....

Take your cues from her. She may want to distance herself, or she may
want to gush, just try to remain neutral and go with what she's doing.
Throughout the birth, focus on *her*, listen to what she needs to get
through it, hold her hand, give her comfort, physical support,
whatever is necessary - like with any birth. You can offer things like
"you're doing the best for your baby" without really encouraging
either way. I wouldn't keep him at arm's length, but I'd be careful
about gushing too much.

What she said.


I have so much respect for someone who puts their child up for
adoption, it's a wonderful gift.


What she said again. But it's also the neice's decision concerning possibly
keeping the child. So follow her lead concerning any decisions about that, too.

Banty

On Mar 22, 9:56 am, Banty wrote:
In article . com, cjra says...





On Mar 22, 9:59 am, "annie" wrote:
One of my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die has been to be either a birth
coach for someone or at the very least, just an observer in a delivery
room. I may now get my chance, but the circumstances are different
than I ever expected. DH's niece is due any day now and she has just
asked me to be in the delivery room with her. I'm not that close to
her, but DH has recently gotten very close with her as he's been
helping her through some tough issues, including preparing to give her
child up for adoption.

If there's anyone that's been part of a delivery in an adoption
situation, I would appreciate any pointers on things to do/not do.
Should I gush over how adorable the baby is or should I keep him at
arm's length? What do I do if she starts to change her mind about
adoption? This really is the best decision for her, but I know it
certainly happens a lot once mothers see their babies.

Thanks,
Annie

I haven't been there, but here's my 2 cents anyway....

Take your cues from her. She may want to distance herself, or she may
want to gush, just try to remain neutral and go with what she's doing.
Throughout the birth, focus on *her*, listen to what she needs to get
through it, hold her hand, give her comfort, physical support,
whatever is necessary - like with any birth. You can offer things like
"you're doing the best for your baby" without really encouraging
either way. I wouldn't keep him at arm's length, but I'd be careful
about gushing too much.

What she said.



I have so much respect for someone who puts their child up for
adoption, it's a wonderful gift.

What she said again. But it's also the neice's decision concerning possibly
keeping the child. So follow her lead concerning any decisions about that, too.

Banty

annie wrote:
What do I do if she starts to change her mind about
adoption? This really is the best decision for her, but I know it
certainly happens a lot once mothers see their babies.

In the past couple of years, I've read a lot of blogs written by women
who have placed babies for adoption years in the past, about their
experiences and how it's affected them long-term. It has been an
eye-opener.

Prior to this, I recognised, in a lip-service kind of way, that placing
a child for adoption must be a Hard Decision. But until I read some of
these experiences - and put them together with my own experience of
giving birth and how hard it was to have the baby out of my sight for
even short periods of time in the days immediately after that - I didn't
realise just how profoundly, utterly, horribly soul-wrecking a decision
it was. I didn't realise how deep a mother-child bond could be and how
deep the consequences of breaking that bond could go.

I didn't realise that giving a child up for adoption isn't something you
'get over' after an appropriate grieving period. These were women who'd
placed their children years earlier and who found themselves feeling
worse, not better, as time went by.

I didn't realise that even if a birthmother feels happy with her
decision immediately after giving her child up, that isn't some kind of
convenient final scene over which the credits roll. I read stories of
women who felt fine at the time and couldn't have believed the grief
they were in for once the whole what-a-wonderful-decision blissful haze
wore off and the reality of *losing that child* set in.

I didn't realise that no matter how good a decision to adopt might look
on paper, that really doesn't necessarily mean that it's the right
decision for that woman. Women have raised children successfully in all
sorts of difficult circumstances and just the fact that raising a child
is difficult doesn't mean that giving a child up becomes less difficult.
I've read stories from women who literally feel that no difficulty
they could possibly have been through would have been harder than the
pain of losing that baby. I remember one woman talking about how
adoption didn't give her any of the things it was supposed to - freedom,
chances in life, a happy carefree youth - it took away any chance of her
having those things.

I know you could say that maybe these are just a few bitter women who
are having a hard time adjusting, but I honestly don't get that
impression. I've realised that we underestimate the effect that
adoption can have. We want to think about it as a happy-ending
situation where the pain is some sort of manageable Hollywood feelgood
version of pain that'll all be worth it in the end, because it's really
difficult to accept just how much damage it can potentially do to the
women for whom it's supposedly 'the best thing'.

I don't think I'm putting this very well or getting across what I've
been reading in these stories. I'm not trying to say that adoption
should never happen, or that it's never the best decision for a woman to
make for herself. What I'm trying to say is that it needs to be her
decision. And, by that, I mean an informed decision made knowing as
much as possible about the consequences - not a 'decision' made because
everyone's assuring her that this is the Best Thing To Do and letting
her think that Of Course It'll Hurt but It'll Get Better With Time.

What I'm trying to explain is... after what I've read, it gives me the
chills to hear about someone assuming that giving a child up for
adoption is the 'best thing' even if a woman wants to keep that child.
*Maybe it isn't*. I know that I don't know her circumstances and you
do, but... she knows them even better. If she really does want to keep
her child, then, no matter how good it might look on paper for her to
give that child up for adoption, it is almost certainly not better in
reality.

So, please, please, please... Be sensitive to what your niece actually
wants, not just what you think she should want. If she starts wanting
to change her mind, give her space and time to talk about what she wants
(which may swing back and forth). Don't hassle her, don't pressure her,
and don't assume you know better than her what's right for her life.
Not even subtly, not even well-meaningly. If she wants to keep her
child, why shouldn't she have as much chance as you or me to do so even
though it's difficult?


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell

"Sarah Vaughan" wrote in message
...
annie wrote:
What do I do if she starts to change her mind about
adoption? This really is the best decision for her, but I know it
certainly happens a lot once mothers see their babies.

In the past couple of years, I've read a lot of blogs written by women who
have placed babies for adoption years in the past, about their experiences
and how it's affected them long-term. It has been an eye-opener.

Prior to this, I recognised, in a lip-service kind of way, that placing a
child for adoption must be a Hard Decision. But until I read some of
these experiences - and put them together with my own experience of giving
birth and how hard it was to have the baby out of my sight for even short
periods of time in the days immediately after that - I didn't realise just
how profoundly, utterly, horribly soul-wrecking a decision it was. I
didn't realise how deep a mother-child bond could be and how deep the
consequences of breaking that bond could go.

I didn't realise that giving a child up for adoption isn't something you
'get over' after an appropriate grieving period. These were women who'd
placed their children years earlier and who found themselves feeling
worse, not better, as time went by.

I didn't realise that even if a birthmother feels happy with her decision
immediately after giving her child up, that isn't some kind of convenient
final scene over which the credits roll. I read stories of women who felt
fine at the time and couldn't have believed the grief they were in for
once the whole what-a-wonderful-decision blissful haze wore off and the
reality of *losing that child* set in.

I didn't realise that no matter how good a decision to adopt might look on
paper, that really doesn't necessarily mean that it's the right decision
for that woman. Women have raised children successfully in all sorts of
difficult circumstances and just the fact that raising a child is
difficult doesn't mean that giving a child up becomes less difficult. I've
read stories from women who literally feel that no difficulty they could
possibly have been through would have been harder than the pain of losing
that baby. I remember one woman talking about how adoption didn't give
her any of the things it was supposed to - freedom, chances in life, a
happy carefree youth - it took away any chance of her having those things.

I know you could say that maybe these are just a few bitter women who are
having a hard time adjusting, but I honestly don't get that impression.
I've realised that we underestimate the effect that adoption can have. We
want to think about it as a happy-ending situation where the pain is some
sort of manageable Hollywood feelgood version of pain that'll all be worth
it in the end, because it's really difficult to accept just how much
damage it can potentially do to the women for whom it's supposedly 'the
best thing'.

I don't think I'm putting this very well or getting across what I've been
reading in these stories. I'm not trying to say that adoption should
never happen, or that it's never the best decision for a woman to make for
herself. What I'm trying to say is that it needs to be her decision.
And, by that, I mean an informed decision made knowing as much as possible
about the consequences - not a 'decision' made because everyone's assuring
her that this is the Best Thing To Do and letting her think that Of Course
It'll Hurt but It'll Get Better With Time.

What I'm trying to explain is... after what I've read, it gives me the
chills to hear about someone assuming that giving a child up for adoption
is the 'best thing' even if a woman wants to keep that child. *Maybe it
isn't*. I know that I don't know her circumstances and you do, but... she
knows them even better. If she really does want to keep her child, then,
no matter how good it might look on paper for her to give that child up
for adoption, it is almost certainly not better in reality.

So, please, please, please... Be sensitive to what your niece actually
wants, not just what you think she should want. If she starts wanting to
change her mind, give her space and time to talk about what she wants
(which may swing back and forth). Don't hassle her, don't pressure her,
and don't assume you know better than her what's right for her life. Not
even subtly, not even well-meaningly. If she wants to keep her child, why
shouldn't she have as much chance as you or me to do so even though it's
difficult?


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell


I read this, and had the same thoughts, but didn't know how to express
them... I think you summed them up perfectly though.

Until I had my daughter, I always wanted to be a surrogate parent. I know
that's different, and that I would have entered the pregnancy *knowing* that
the child wouldn't be mine, but having carried her for 9 months, gone
through labour, and looked at her in pure fascination, I know that there's
know way I could have ever given her up. There is an unbreakable bond there,
and I couldn't even bear to sleep for the first few nights, as the gap
seemed so huge. I just don't think I could spend the rest of my life
wondering what she was doing/thinking or what she did/didn't know about
me...Of course, other people's views may differ, but like Sarah said, she
may well change her mind, and whatever may or may not seem like the best
answer, it is of course her right to keep her baby. Whatever she decides,
she needs to be the one in control of the situation, and wished must be
respected at all times.

I hope whatever she decides, it's the right decision for *her* and that she
gets the support she needs either way.

Lucy x

Wow, Sarah, you've obviously thought about this a lot.

There was an article in a recent LLL newsletter about adoption and
breastfeeding. At first everyone discouraged the birth mother from
breastfeeding, saying things like it encouraged bonding and so on. But the
mother of the birth mother said "The cleaner the bond, the cleaner the
greiving", it seems the first few days, the birth mother mothered the baby
as if it was her own, nursing on demand, rooming in whilst in the hospital
(each night, one of the birth mothers parents was present to support her).
The adoptive mother had planned to breastfeed and when this didn't work out,
although it wasn't planned, the birth mother decided to pump for the baby,
only stopping when moving jobs/state made it too difficult to continue. The
story was written in hindsight, by the birth grandmother and whilst it may
not be a perfect representation of the feelings of the actual birth mother,
it did all seem as if things had gone very well and that the early bonding
had been helpful, the birth mother had a chance to get to know her baby that
she had been carrying for 9mths and as it happens to be a semi-open
adoption, there has been ongoing information sharing. Seems to me there
really are no does and don'ts, for this birth mother, how her labour choices
affected her baby was very important to her, when it's often assumed by care
providers that this is not the case and a less thinking person may have gone
along with this.

Anne

I wouldn't do anything different than you would for a woman who was going to
parent her child. At the time that she births it, it is her child. Whether
she places the child or not, if it's beautiful, it's beautiful. If she
decides to parent, as "wrong" as it may be to you, it's still her choice.
If she is going to place this child for adoption, then she's going to need
to say hello so that she can properly say goodbye.

So, just help her through the labor, and don't worry about what is to come
later. That's her decision, and for her to work through.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password:
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Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
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"annie" wrote in message
oups.com...
One of my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die has been to be either a birth
coach for someone or at the very least, just an observer in a delivery
room. I may now get my chance, but the circumstances are different
than I ever expected. DH's niece is due any day now and she has just
asked me to be in the delivery room with her. I'm not that close to
her, but DH has recently gotten very close with her as he's been
helping her through some tough issues, including preparing to give her
child up for adoption.

If there's anyone that's been part of a delivery in an adoption
situation, I would appreciate any pointers on things to do/not do.
Should I gush over how adorable the baby is or should I keep him at
arm's length? What do I do if she starts to change her mind about
adoption? This really is the best decision for her, but I know it
certainly happens a lot once mothers see their babies.

Thanks,
Annie

"cjra" wrote in message
ups.com...
On Mar 22, 9:59 am, "annie" wrote:
One of my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die has been to be either a birth
coach for someone or at the very least, just an observer in a delivery
room. I may now get my chance, but the circumstances are different
than I ever expected. DH's niece is due any day now and she has just
asked me to be in the delivery room with her. I'm not that close to
her, but DH has recently gotten very close with her as he's been
helping her through some tough issues, including preparing to give her
child up for adoption.

If there's anyone that's been part of a delivery in an adoption
situation, I would appreciate any pointers on things to do/not do.
Should I gush over how adorable the baby is or should I keep him at
arm's length? What do I do if she starts to change her mind about
adoption? This really is the best decision for her, but I know it
certainly happens a lot once mothers see their babies.

Thanks,
Annie

I haven't been there, but here's my 2 cents anyway....

Take your cues from her. She may want to distance herself, or she may
want to gush, just try to remain neutral and go with what she's doing.
Throughout the birth, focus on *her*, listen to what she needs to get
through it, hold her hand, give her comfort, physical support,
whatever is necessary - like with any birth. You can offer things like
"you're doing the best for your baby" without really encouraging
either way. I wouldn't keep him at arm's length, but I'd be careful
about gushing too much.

I have so much respect for someone who puts their child up for
adoption, it's a wonderful gift.


Amen Sister.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys -- 01/03/03
Addison Grace -- 09/30/04

Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password