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#1
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Lazy husband?
How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging?
My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all the laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as he works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else. He spends all his free time online, sleeps in till 1pm on weekends and always gets upset if I ask him to mow the lawn or do any DIY. He takes absolutely no interest in our 7 yr old, which hurts me most of all. He never puts her to bed, reads with her or bathes her. He says he is "tired" and that I am being unreasonable by asking him to do anything extra apart from the 40 hours a week he works. His job is an office one, so it is not as if he does physical labour. He has always been this way, even during the short time he was unemployed, he refused to mow the lawn or do any decorating. I have now got to the point where am thinking of hiring people to do all the jobs that need doing. I feel embarrassed when people come to my house and we have wallpaper peeling off the walls. I can do certain things myself, like painting, but things like wallpaper I need two people for. He says that hiring someone is too expensive, but I stripped the walls of the spare room back in February have done all the paintwork, bought all the paper and paste, and I am STILL waiting for a time when he is "free " to do the wallpapering with me! On a weekend he will sit on the PC whilst I juggle our daughter and the painting.It makes me so mad! How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please help. |
#2
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Lazy husband?
"Sandra" wrote in message
... How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging? [Snip] How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please help. I would tell him that either you both go for some family counseling to work this out, or *you* will be going by yourself. And then do it. Even if he refuses to go and work on this problem, you can work out what your long-term response to this will be. You can hire people to do odd jobs, but you can't hire someone to be a proxy father -- and there's no reason to do so, since your DD has a father living in the house! Any man can be a sperm donor, but it's *work* to be a father. Tough break he apparently didn't realize this before fathering a child, but he now has one; time to grow up and be an adult. Sorry if this seems like a blunt attitude from me, but, as an adoptive father who had to "prove my worth" before being allowed to adopt, I have very little tolerance for men (or women) who shirk their parental responsibilities. We all work, we're all tired -- working parents, stay-at-home parents, single parents -- but that's no excuse to blow off your kid. Bill -- Bill Peckenpaugh http://www.plimu.com/bill.htm (Boring me...) http://www.plimu.com/daniel.htm (The Amazing Daniel!) |
#3
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Lazy husband?
"Sandra" wrote in message ... How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging? My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all the laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as he works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else. snip I have to say that I agree with Mr. Peckinpah's post, above. I just wanted to add that in similar situations I've had some luck with the strategies outlined in a book called "Getting through to the man you love" by Michelle Weiner-Davis. I'm NOT a self-help book person, at all, but I kind of like this one. As a companion to counseling, perhaps. Good luck. If it helps, you've got a fairly common problem. It's solvable. Periodically, at least. Donna |
#4
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Lazy husband?
In article et, W.D.
Peckenpaugh says... "Sandra" wrote in message ... How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging? [Snip] How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please help. I would tell him that either you both go for some family counseling to work this out, or *you* will be going by yourself. And then do it. Even if he refuses to go and work on this problem, you can work out what your long-term response to this will be. You can hire people to do odd jobs, but you can't hire someone to be a proxy father -- and there's no reason to do so, since your DD has a father living in the house! Any man can be a sperm donor, but it's *work* to be a father. Tough break he apparently didn't realize this before fathering a child, but he now has one; time to grow up and be an adult. Sorry if this seems like a blunt attitude from me, but, as an adoptive father who had to "prove my worth" before being allowed to adopt, I have very little tolerance for men (or women) who shirk their parental responsibilities. We all work, we're all tired -- working parents, stay-at-home parents, single parents -- but that's no excuse to blow off your kid. Well, it's also possible that it's the OP's perception that he's not doing enough because her expectations are that he should be *continually* socially involved with other family members. I've seen this, and I'm sensitive to it as a person of somewhat retiring temprament myself. And holidays can quickly overdraw the sociability reserves of a person. Or maybe not. But either way certainly I'd agree with your recommendation for family counselling. With a good counseller, both sides would air, and they hopefully would get some guidance in negotiating a solution with some combination of his increased involvement, redistribution of household tasks amongst the spouses and hired work, and some psychic space for the husband. Perhaps some space for a garage workshop and some time allowed for him to retreat to it is in order (or something like that). Or she's completely right. And/or he is manifesting an episode of clinical depression. Or it's just a mismatch in tempraments. Cheers, Banty |
#5
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Lazy husband?
In article , Sandra says...
How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging? My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all the laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as he works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else. He spends all his free time online, sleeps in till 1pm on weekends and always gets upset if I ask him to mow the lawn or do any DIY. He takes absolutely no interest in our 7 yr old, which hurts me most of all. He never puts her to bed, reads with her or bathes her. He says he is "tired" and that I am being unreasonable by asking him to do anything extra apart from the 40 hours a week he works. His job is an office one, so it is not as if he does physical labour. He has always been this way, even during the short time he was unemployed, he refused to mow the lawn or do any decorating. I have now got to the point where am thinking of hiring people to do all the jobs that need doing. I feel embarrassed when people come to my house and we have wallpaper peeling off the walls. I can do certain things myself, like painting, but things like wallpaper I need two people for. He says that hiring someone is too expensive, but I stripped the walls of the spare room back in February have done all the paintwork, bought all the paper and paste, and I am STILL waiting for a time when he is "free " to do the wallpapering with me! On a weekend he will sit on the PC whilst I juggle our daughter and the painting.It makes me so mad! How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please help. Hi, Sandra. Yes, this is an intolerable situation and I urge you to find some family counselling. On reading your post a couple of times, the possibility of your husband suffering from depression occurs to me. If he is continually tired, withdrawn, and uninterested, it's a good possiiblity. I guess you're posting this after at least seven years' marriage. Has there been a change in his behavior? Banty |
#6
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Lazy husband?
Banty wrote in message ...
In article , Sandra says... How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging? My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all the laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as he works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else. snip How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please help. Hi, Sandra. Yes, this is an intolerable situation and I urge you to find some family counselling. On reading your post a couple of times, the possibility of your husband suffering from depression occurs to me. If he is continually tired, withdrawn, and uninterested, it's a good possiiblity. This was actually my reaction too. My husband sleeps until noon on weekends as well and sometimes has to be 'nudged' to take on equal weekend childcare responsibilities, but he takes an active interest in life and doesn't just sit in front of a computer all the time. The part about the OP's husband always being "too tired" to do anything particularly sounded as though he might be depressed. I think the OP should definitely seek counselling. In the meantime, if she *does* have the money, I don't think it'd be the end of the world to hire help with essential chores. It might reduce her stress level to have some things done under her control. Beth |
#7
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Lazy husband?
I'd say, first stop is the family doctor to find out if there are any
health issues making him "tired", listless, disconnected etc., including depression. Then I'd be sitting down with him and having a serious talk about the future of your marriage. This is not a partnership. Is he figuring his contribution to your shared life, including your home and parenthood is financial alone, and for that he expects sex and a full time housekeeper and general purpose dogsbody to do all the chores? My husband was an only child, and was pretty much waited on hand and foot by his doting mother - so our first years of marriage were quite a shock to him. I found myself doing pretty much everything, and getting madder and madder at him. He didn't do it on purpose - he was just pretty much oblivious to the world of domestic chores, from gardening to housework to bill paying - it just didn't occur to him to do stuff, although he'd "help" if I asked - which isn't what I wanted. I wanted him to be responsible for certain things so they were off my back. It got worse when we had our first child - I COULDN'T cope with it all. I actually got to the point I was ready to kick him out, since at least on my own I wouldn't be cheesed off at another adult sitting around the house doing nothing while I struggled. We had to have a renegotiation, and I dumped a whole pile of stuff onto him like the bill paying onto him, and never looked back. Mary G. |
#8
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Lazy husband?
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#9
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Lazy husband?
Hi Sandra,
Sorry to hear about your problem. I am going to take a different approach than what most of folks have said here. It's a bitter pill but if you understand it, it's going to be very helpful in my opinion. It's just my view and you (or anybody) do not have to agree. I would say, stand up and take *responsibility* for what's happening in your life. We get exactly what we believe in, expect, and "ask for" on our deepest levels. We can think the people we are in relationship with as a mirror. They reflect our own beliefs. The change starts with us first. If you can *see* your husband helping you and the family, you'll definitely have it. God Bless You and be with you. Pat "Sandra" wrote in message ... How do you deal with a lazy husband with resorting to nagging? My husband works full time, but he never wants to do anything around the house, such as DIY gardening or childcare. I am quite content to do all the laundry, cooking cleaning, and bill paying, but my husband thinks that as he works full time, he should be expected to do nothing else. He spends all his free time online, sleeps in till 1pm on weekends and always gets upset if I ask him to mow the lawn or do any DIY. He takes absolutely no interest in our 7 yr old, which hurts me most of all. He never puts her to bed, reads with her or bathes her. He says he is "tired" and that I am being unreasonable by asking him to do anything extra apart from the 40 hours a week he works. His job is an office one, so it is not as if he does physical labour. He has always been this way, even during the short time he was unemployed, he refused to mow the lawn or do any decorating. I have now got to the point where am thinking of hiring people to do all the jobs that need doing. I feel embarrassed when people come to my house and we have wallpaper peeling off the walls. I can do certain things myself, like painting, but things like wallpaper I need two people for. He says that hiring someone is too expensive, but I stripped the walls of the spare room back in February have done all the paintwork, bought all the paper and paste, and I am STILL waiting for a time when he is "free " to do the wallpapering with me! On a weekend he will sit on the PC whilst I juggle our daughter and the painting.It makes me so mad! How do I approach this? Should I just hire someone to do all the jobs? What about our child? How do I get him to take an interest in her? He hates family things too and doesn't like taking her to the park or even helping put up the Christmas decorations. I feel so sad for our daughter. Please help. |
#10
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Lazy husband?
Hi Sandra,
Sorry to hear about your problem. I am going to take a different approach than what most of folks have said here. It's a bitter pill but if you understand it, it's going to be very helpful in my opinion. It's just my view and you (or anybody) do not have to agree. I would say, stand up and take *responsibility* for what's happening in your life. We get exactly what we believe in, expect, and "ask for" on our deepest levels. We can think the people we are in relationship with as a mirror. They reflect our own beliefs. The change starts with us first. If you can *see* your husband helping you and the family, you'll definitely have it. God Bless You and be with you. Pat Pat, I'm not Sandra (as you can see) but I would like you to elaborate on this post. I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation (my husband helps but he's very grumpy about it and makes me feel like he's doing me some kind of major favor by putting away his own clothes) Anyway, I've often felt that we all deserve someone to believe in us, to believe that we are being the best person we can be and that we are special. My husband did not have this growing up. I try to give it to him now but sometimes I think I fail because I *do* get mad when he doesn't help or when *he* gets angry b/c I've asked him to help. Please expand on the post above and give more details and examples. It sounds like an interesting approach but I need more info. Thanks! Heather |
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