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#1
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I think we've met our Tokyo Rose (or in this case, Herb)
http://www.everyman.org/Ten_Reasons_...dy_Battles.pdf
You know, fighting with grace is a good thing, especially in separations. I don't think any of us would say that you should resort to a bitter, name-calling feud with your ex, especially in front of your children. Even when she is doing the name-calling and the harassment, I would never advise anybody to stooping to her level. And I think we can also agree that in several custody battles, the only real winners are the people with "Esq." behind their names. You have lawyers (not all, mind) who circle like vultures sensing a fresh carcass. But being high minded and being noble is a far cry from simply giving up, which I think is precisely what this article is suggesting. Never have I read a more craven piece of typing in my life (I am not dignifying that garbage by calling it writing). In essence the message is this: "you'll never win so why even try. Just keep up those child support payments and maybe you'll get to take them out bowling." This article is also an example of the child idolatry that runs rampant in our society and especially in our family courts. Every whim of the child should be fostered and fed honey and milk. Old Herb seems to think that children are so perfect that they will come up with the right answer every time. Let's look at this: "While he could blame his wife for ‘poisoning’ the children’s minds and promoting the alienation, it became clear that it had little to do with her. His children just didn’t like being around him. While he had been the ‘perfect’ father in terms of his commitment, caring and devotion, he couldn’t connect with them. In their minds he was a know-it-all who lectured them and always knew the right way to do things. They disliked him and learned to tune him out." Wow, children don't like lectures from their parents. What a shocker. That is definitely one reason to stay away, the little cherubs will come to the right answer on their own sooner or later. Apparently, to good old Herb the concept that they might be exaggerating things or that maybe the father DID know the right thing didn't occur. And I love his rationale: "Particularly once, when the child is more than three or four years old, the die has been cast. If the bond is positive and present, little will disrupt it except temporarily. If the bond is absent or negative, the custody fight will exacerbate it. The more dad battles mom for custody, the more the children will recoil from him, as they perceive their mother as being abused. If he ‘ wins’, he will have won less than nothing as any potential for positive bonding has been seriously damaged." In other words: free will and change is a joke. But why stop there? If everything is set at five, then what's the point of any more learning? After all, if the child is preset to learn how to read, they will figure it out on their own. If they aren't, then you're just wasting your time. Let's just stop everything in our lives and simply repeat the next five years over and over again. Change occurs in relationships. Anybody who has been divorced knows that. The person you thought you'd be with "till death do us part" now makes you want to kill yourself. When you first made love each and every night, now you're relegated to hall sex (look down the hall, shout "f*** you" and slam a door). People change. In fact, the concept that your relationship is bad or absent with your child is all the more reason to be there with your child. You might change it for better or worse, but staying away will definitely harden it into whatever it might become. For anybody who doesn't know (and given the quality of education in this country, that's not a wide guess), Tokyo Rose was a nickname given to the female, English-speaking broadcasters who tried to lure the Allied soldiers into giving up and going home with seductive images of comfort back in the USA, much like Herb seems set to seduce us with happy talk of calm images and getting away from the evil lawyers. The irony is that the woman who was best known as Tokyo Rose, Iva Toguri D'Aquino, actually was a US Agent who smuggled food to many US POWs during the war and was later railroaded. In the end, she was pardoned; but I doubt the same can or will be said for Herb. And if you want a reason why you should fight for custody and participation in a child's life, I'll give you one: on a list and if somebody could find the exact quote I'd appreciate it it was noted that 68 percent of teens that commit suicide came from fatherless homes. Kids will get angry and bitter, but they get over that. How many kids, on the other hand, can get over being dead? |
#2
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I think we've met our Tokyo Rose (or in this case, Herb)
John Meyer wrote:
Apparently, to good old Herb the concept that they might be exaggerating things or that maybe the father DID know the right thing didn't occur. By the way, this sentence was written in error. I forgot: a father hasn't been right on anything, at any time, in this country since 1950. My bad. |
#3
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I think we've met our Tokyo Rose (or in this case, Herb)
On May 26, 6:34?am, John Meyer wrote:
John Meyer wrote: Apparently, to good old Herb the concept that they might be exaggerating things or that maybe the father DID know the right thing didn't occur. By the way, this sentence was written in error. I forgot: a father hasn't been right on anything, at any time, in this country since 1950. My bad. He brings up some good points (such as a womans vengeful purpose in life) but the rest is crap. Herb is pseudo-intellectual who obviously has never had to fight for his children. |
#5
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I think we've met our Tokyo Rose (or in this case, Herb)
Here is my e-mail to the good Doctor:
Dr. Goldberg, As a father who has joint physical custody of his son, I have to say that your article was upsetting but true in many ways. Custody battles are indeed traumatic for children and should be eliminated from our society as much as possible. The best way to do this, of course, would be to institute a presumption of joint physical placement so that children could get their rightful substantial contact with both parents. This is not currently the case, however, and unfortunately many men do find themselves in the position of being denied equal access to their children after divorce. No doubt their struggles to see their children may ultimately prove destructive, harmful to their children, or a waste of time better spent elsewhere. However it could also be said that the struggles of the suffragettes fighting for the right to vote were similarly harmful to the children of the women involved, unfulfilling, and not conducive to the ultimate contentment of their participants. But they needed to be fought. Some of your 10 reasons are ill-thought out. #1 is mostly correct, although you must realize that you are tacitly admitting to the existence of gender bias in the family courts. #2 may also be true but as such is yet another good reason for a presumption of joint physical placement. Remove the battle from the equation and no child sees their mother or father as "winning", "losing", or attacking each other. Remember that feminists of old were strong advocates of joint physical placement before courts began awarding custody to mothers on a regular basis (at which point they grew mysteriously silent on the issue). #3 may not result in a reuniting of father and child so much as a child growing up with a painful and angry childhood marked with behavior problems and ending in high school dropout or worse. What cold comfort it would be to the alienated father to learn that his son gave his mother a really hard time about not being able to see him before dropping out of school and dying in a gang-related shooting. #4 is indeed true and Mom is often more than happy to dump her child on a caring father after she has established that she is in ultimate control and secured child support tribute from a father who is actually caring for the child in question the majority of the time. #5 depends on the child's opinion of their father being static in the years without contact and under the influence of the mother; have you any actual proof that this can reasonably be expected? To #6, I ask, have you never seen a father who really IS good, loving, and maligned, abused, and misunderstood by his child's mother and the family court system? Do you seriously posit that such a man does not exist, has never existed, and cannot exist? If not, what is such a father to do with your reason #6? #7 simply points out the gender bias in the family courts. I have no doubt that you have seen very few if any fathers come to any sort of satisfaction in dealing with the family courts. Your statement that even in the rare cases when a father wins custody, he has "lost the struggle to focus on and nurture his bonding potential" is vacuous. Is a father who knows his child is being neglected or abused by a custodial mother somehow "nurturing his bonding potential" with his offspring by allowing them to suffer under their mother's abuse and neglect? #8 completely ignores the fact that a child living with one parent for an extended period of time will be likely to desire to stay where they are once they reach an age where their voice will be heard, regardless of who that parent is. #10 is completely correct, and most effectively remedied by staying as far from the courts as possible. It would also be remedied by the adoption of a presumption of joint physical placement, again removing the fight for custody from the equation to begin with in the best interests of not only the child, but all parties involved. - Ron ^*^ |
#6
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I think we've met our Tokyo Rose (or in this case, Herb)
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